Atheism
I've been interested and enthused by starting atheism up as an alternative to religion, and after some bitter struggles with the university I set up the first uni funded 'Atheism Soc'. I've been in formal debates with priests, rabis, and even been to the Vatican to give a seminar on free speech and how atheists should have the right to debate their views without judgement. I've won essay prizes (total worth about £2000), been published in magazines, and been dubbed 'Most likely to worship Satan' by the leading Christian group 'Alpha' in the UK (watch out for Alpha people... they'll ask you if you've 'found jesus' within about 5 minutes of meeting you). I've also had a rather profitable T-shirt business with Urban Outfitters... you may have seen them, they say stuff like 'Jesus Can't Skate' and 'Where's Jesus When You Masturbate?'.
I think total earning is probably around £25,000. Yup, I think I'm the expert.
( meak is going to inherit the earth, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 2:20, Reply)

hmmm
military grade explosives.
also being a ginger cnut
( anhamgrimmar, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 23:14, Reply)

now that you mention it
i am an expert in predicting how well tim henman will do in wimbledon. ive got it right every time. im also an expert at pretending to be able to play guitar - any old tune on an electric sounds awesome for some reason
(sam ich bin, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 23:10, Reply)

After many years
Of being a total cunt, I can now say that I am an expert at being a cunt.
(newcustomerserviceteam, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 22:24, Reply)

Rush.
I'm the local expert in Rush, because no-one I know has ever heard of them, much less anything by them (apart from Lee who recalls that Spirit of Radio was on Top Of The Pops once, but the band weren't in so they had Legs'n'Co. doing some irrelevant dancing instead).

However someone on the Top Gear production team must because they used the introduction to 'Animate' (Counterparts album, 1993) as a background sonic bed while reviewing the Lotus Elan that came out (the one with the aluminium rivet'n'bolt chassis). See?
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 26 Jun 2005, 21:36, Reply)

lazy bums
us students all become experts in subjects featured on daytime tv. i'm now brilliant at properyt redevelopment. go on. test me! i can turn your crumby victorian semi into a property goldmine...
(karma queen, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 21:31, Reply)

Hmmm
Brevity!
(shitstirrer, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 21:05, Reply)

Expert?
I'm a qualified Librarian with 15 years' experience - this actually means I know bugger all about anything useful, but I can usually look it up for you or tell you how to go about finding it for yourself.

Although I do know quite a lot about useless things - I managed to answer most of the questions on 'Doctor Who Mastermind' correctly, for example (embarrassing everyone else in the room at the time)... And a lot about country music as well.

Actually, could this question be restated as 'Why haven't I got a life partner yet?' 'Cos I think I just answered that one by accident.
(cisco, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 20:51, Reply)

My Wife
was an expert in the Japanese art of Budokan. We had disagreement one night that left me with a 2 inch scar across my foot. Next night I stabbed her in her sleep.
Fuck martial arts
(ElGatodeBarco, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 20:42, Reply)

Murders and Bandages
Well, I was once 7 in the world at Cluedo (ok, an internet ladder of 300 people, but still...) so I suppose that must mean Im pretty good :D

Also, Im a qualified First Aid Trainer meaning that I can legally teach first aid to people.

Again, a little sad, but i've trained my ear to reconise every single Beautiful South song within the first 2 seconds - so much so I can not only name it, I can say which album it is from and who the female vocalist at the time was...

...I really need to get out....
( Grinned2Death knows what Willis was talking about, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 19:51, Reply)

I'm an expert in
Gunpowder spray patterns from discharged weapons.

Honest I am.
(kunti lala if we can't be free can we at least be cheap., Sun 26 Jun 2005, 19:40, Reply)

i am an expert in
listening to people tell me advice, but doing it my own way anyway, just because it's fun, and just because I can.
(holystorm, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 19:34, Reply)

licking my elbow
I can pop my right shoulder out of its socket, thus enabling my obscenely long tongue to lick my elbow. Very entertaining, if only I could dislocate my spine.
(themanfromdelmonte, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 17:37, Reply)

I'm an expert at making
those little origami birds, last summer I worked at an ice-cream/sweets counter and made about 500 in the 2 months I was there. I also make tiny ones, the record having a wingspan of about 5mm.
( NomDePlume fo shizzle my nizzle old bean, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 17:00, Reply)

Ima expert at...
...making ma best girl mate laugh, although she is mainly laughing at me... Ahh well



It's all about the depth
(Bhougal...hang me upside down from a banana tree and call me BERTTIE BHOUGAL>>>Oh Yeah...!!, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 16:55, Reply)

i
am an expert at doing exactly what i should be doing, WITHOUT anyone telling me to do it.
the other day i fixed 8 computers at work and mobody knew they were broken even when they wre using them.
beat that bitch!
*makes whip noise*
( DR Mexico Hunt, Hunt, Hunt, He's The Huntsman!!, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 16:06, Reply)

I am uber lazy
I used to have a stick to close my bedroom door when I was about 15. I didn't even go buy it, it happened to be lying around the house. The stick was later reclaimed by my mother. Before this I had a basketball to throw at the door. It would always come back because it rolled, so I didn't even have to go get it when I wanted it later. This is just a small example of my lazyness. I should have a certificate or a medal or something.
( Styxx hates when people talk in the third person, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 14:39, Reply)

i'm an expert on sydney olympics on the dreamcast
i can button bash like no other, i can somehow tense my arm, trap a nerve and then I can vibrate my fingers at super high speeds. i pull a strange face when i do it, but i break world records! 7.77 seconds on the 100metres! i'm a hero! I reckon i have parkinson's disease on it's way but meh...

the girlfriend loves it too
( northernwifeb3ta is going to Dubai in December :D for "work", Sun 26 Jun 2005, 14:13, Reply)

I'm an expert
in running along the thin line between "humorously cheeky" and "offensive" in conversation without falling off. Also Taekwon-do.
Being an expert in keeping calm helps in both of these.
(Slurpy The Frog, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 13:18, Reply)

gah
I've recently become an expert in the use of the levonorgestrel releasing intrauterine device in the treatment of leiomyoma related menorrhagia.
That's using the coil to help stop women with fibroids gushing blood like an inverted trafalger square when they're on the blob and also the title of a fantastically boring 4000 word essay I handed in yesterday.
(donksta, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 12:18, Reply)

Gotta love them numbers
I am the bestest number rememberer ever.......i can still remember my phone number from when I was 6........one day this skill shall be extremely valuable so I cultivate it by memorising all my friends numbers........sad, moi???
(Neiffer, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 12:11, Reply)

I am, without a doubt
The greatest player of sonic 3 on the megadrive in the world.
( Brown cow, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 11:38, Reply)

Cleaning and/or replacement of 1993 - 1996 Ford Falcon 4.0 litre six cylinder multi point fuel injectors
We run the car on LPG usually. You're supposed to run it on petrol once a week, we didn't for nearly a year. Injectors clogged, fuel tank full of crap.
(peewee13, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 11:24, Reply)

English, even though I'm a Yank
I'm a writing tutor; I hate comma splices.
Comma splices are easy to fix with semicolons; sadly, no one seems to know how to use a fucking semicolon.
(ladycat, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 9:30, Reply)

moonwalking.
when i first figured out how to do it, i swore i'd never walk normally again.
(harmless kitty, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 8:42, Reply)

I was an expert in
rocket science until two years ago now just a general expert
(creeper Hiding under your bed with a teaspoon, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 8:08, Reply)

Well, I'm...
a certified natural health counselor. Two years of natural medicine college when I was 12. The least useful certification ever. My mom thought it would be cool to have a son she could use to make other moms feel bad. Unfortunatley if your friends mom happens to be a nurse and she finds you're a certified doctor of naturopathy you aren't allowed to come over anymore.
(Three Percent Battery Remaining, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 6:43, Reply)

Masturbating

(stav999999, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 2:10, Reply)

I'm an expert
in procrastina oh look a cute puppy
( Frumbert has no sig, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 1:49, Reply)