wanking
I can do it 10 times a day.
(DayvidBerdo, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 14:59, Reply)

yes yes we are all experts in wanking, otherwise we wouldn't be doing it would we!
on an aside i am an expert in tying cherry stalks, lengths of string, my hair etc in a knot with my tongue.

Always goes down well at parties


(at least thats what it says on the toilet doors.....)


/Edit, was also an expert in the erradiction of contaminating Mycoplasma species from cell culture lines, but i don't do that any more.


Never apologise for length boys, apologise for the lack of.
( Clairebare Back once again with the Ill behaviour, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 14:54, Reply)

Every company I've worked for since university
has gone bankrupt. That's 4 companies in 5 years.

I am an expert in dealing with winding-up forms, fending off bailiffs and opening redundancy notices.

According to a recruiter I spoke to this morning I am "cursed" but I prefer to see it as being an unintentional expert at picking the least stable working environment.
( naeonlite, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 14:44, Reply)

Aliens
I'm know everything (and I mean everything) about the Aliens universe.

Why? What's the point? Why couldn't I know everything about Maths, for example?

Here's a little proof.
( I work in Brixton - save me, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 14:25, Reply)

Buckaroo
Undefeated in over 3 years. Even when using sausage rolls. Oh yeah.
(CactusBert, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 14:18, Reply)

Strange thing
I'm an expert in moving my right foot on the floor in a clockwise direction while drawing an anticlockwise cirle in the air with my finger.

Try it.

Oh, and I also believe in the devil.
( Fr_Jerry_McGwier looked over both shoulders at, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 13:50, Reply)

absolutely nothing!
:(
( catweasle neither a cat nor a weasle, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 13:43, Reply)

I'm on a expert on the...
fine art of hangover cultivation.

Also the Star Wars universe to an unhealthy level.
(DrGonzo, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 13:35, Reply)

Oh all right then
I'm apparently an expert in constructivist learning. This is all about helping learners learn only those things they want to learn, helping them make learning choices they want, and only getting them to learn in the way they want to learn - sounds a bit woolly liberal eh?

I then spend the rest of the year moaning about students who never f**king turn up to lectures, never do any work and never show any interest in the stuff I teach them. Bring back teaching machines I say - then I'm reminded about what I'm supposed to be an expert in.
( groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 13:32, Reply)

I'm an expert bible basher
I was thinking of getting a website going called "grill a Christian" where people could ask awkward questions about God and I could answer them.

I don't know why really. But I quite enjoy debate and stuff. especially if everyone disagrees with me.
(teasus likes tea, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 13:26, Reply)

Huzzah
I'm an expert in Renaissance Festivals. I know three different ways to curtsey, and I know who they should be curtseyed to. I know how to be escorted, how to accept a kiss on the hand, how to eat neatly with just a knife, and what it means to wear a rose in various different places. I know seven different styles of jousting, and how to score them. I know how to walk and climb stairs in a hoop skirt. I can speak in two different English accents, which is pretty good considering I'm Canadian (watching a lot of Doctor Who helps).

Most important of all, I can wear a corset for nine hours a day in the sun and not pass out. Yay!
(dragonrose, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 13:15, Reply)

I am
expert at nothing. I do, however, do a job where everyone thinks I am an expert in my field. I excel at talking shit in meetings, and generally blinding people with science.
(8-Ball, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 13:13, Reply)

BBC Micro
I knew far too much about BASIC and 6502 machine code for the BBC Micro, and could make the big yellow doorstop do anything as long as it was no larger than 32kB.

In fact, using my l33t powers for good, I accepted reasonable amounts of money and beer to knock out A-Level computer science projects for a fair proportion of my college mates.

Using my l33t powers for evil, I put together a semi-intelligent prose-writing programme which, when working together with a suitably manky database, churned out page after page of shit-hot lesbian pornography catering for every pecadillo you could possibly think of, plus a few more of my own geeky devising.

And you wonder where they get those "Dear Fiesta, you won't believe the most amazing thing that happened to me the other day..." letters from.

Karen, who worked behind the deli counter at my Saturday job, featured rather heavily. Alas, I never became an expert with her.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 12:56, Reply)

Everything
I am an expert at everything. I just talk like i know what im saying and everyone believes me. It's pretty dam good.
(GSM, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 12:56, Reply)

usefullessness
by "trade" i am a palaeontologist.

i now do contaminated soil and groundwater remediation. oh yes.

by night, i am a little pixie that floats ever so gently about counting fwappers for god. see, it's me that kills the kittens.....it breaks my heart.
(davidblunkettsdogblankets, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 12:41, Reply)

SQL Server 2005 and Oracle 10g
God I need a life. Also a really quite good bass guitarinist.
(nevin Sharpness is a bourgeois concept, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 11:59, Reply)

Rock Paper Scissors
I am an expert at Rock Paper Scissors; I use a Daren Brown technique of suggesting one of the elements to my opponent, then make a judgement on their likelihood to change and attempt a double bluff. I won £5 at a BBQ on the weekend doing that.
( toadfish, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 11:43, Reply)

heres one

I invented this exercise and have yet to meet another human who can do it . . . . heres what you do . . . while standing straight raise one foot out in front of you , now on the supporting leg begin to squat down while keeping the outstretched leg straight and your supporting foot flat on the ground . . . . I can squat all the way down without falling over . . . . do a few of them and you will feel the muskles in your legs grow . . . . up and down . . . I will send a mars bar to anyone who manages it.
(The Cats Twat, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 11:43, Reply)

Pro evo
I used to be an expert at being amazing at pro evolution soccer 3 while in uni, when it seemed like the obvious thing to do with our time.

I probably would be an expert at pro evo 4, but strangely enough I don't seem to have as much time on my hands now I have to perform a bizarre ritual every day called 'WORK' (i think thats how you spell it).

They don't tell you that at uni...bastards

Pop goes my QOTW cherry. *takes a bow and awaits his medal...*
( RR I love you ... in a way, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 11:27, Reply)

i can do the butterfly stretch
sit palms of the feet together, knees on the floor.

useless.

'cept for odd but efective sex postions.
( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 11:19, Reply)

I can now
probably give lessons in how to pick the worst career moves ever. I seem to be an expert in choosing bosses which look as though they are knights in shining armour to save me from the pile of shite I am currently in, only to find 2 years down the line I actually feel more like I have been put on the game..... sob
(Loving Vixen, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 10:37, Reply)

Stupid..
I'm an expert at saying really stupid stuff that either causes me to get laughed at or hated..
E.g. I'm in town wandering around when I see my friend Becky with some other people.
Becky: I'm annoyed, I need some new jeans but I'm too big for a size 14 and too small for a size 16.
Random guy: Well you could buy a size 16 and get a belt.
Me: Yeah, either that or you could get a size 14 and lose some weight..
*stares from everyone*


My defence is that I personally thought it was a good idea.
(mindpoet17, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 10:08, Reply)

i'm an sh 101 expert
it's an old analog roland synthetiser from the early eighties...with lots of linear pots to tweak. countless hours of fun
( olivier8 (euroloon), Mon 27 Jun 2005, 9:55, Reply)

I'm an expert
retail sales/register monkey. I've been working in retail for about 14 years now. Lucky, lucky me... time to put Kireland786's skills to work.
(ShigTheNewt isn't funny. -_-, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 9:50, Reply)

I'm an expert at
Grabbing test tubes after I have heated them for ages with a bunsen.
The number of times I have burnt off my fingerprints makes me think I should have learnt by now.
Although I suppose it could be quite handy if I decide to become an expert in theivery...
(freddiestarfish, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 9:29, Reply)

eye-crossing.
maybe.
see my powers!

(file's a bit too big fer the board. also, it moves a little fast, but i kind of like it that way..)

(p.s. i hope you'll excuse the sweat - i'd just gotten home from extreme heat.) (so many brackets.)
(harmless kitty, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 8:18, Reply)

I am an expert in all of the following fields:

( the wild elk Freeing excellence affects reality, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 7:38, Reply)

Freakishly
I'm an expert at blood splatter. My step father is a forensic scientist. When I was 16 I threatened to commit suicide, rather than whisking me off to the therapist like a normal person would he made me study the blood splatter of people who killed them selves. One hour a night for three weeks I'd go through pictures of the blood splatter and write down how I thought they died. I still want to kill myself...but now once I'm done I can figure out how I did it.
(Kireland786, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 6:57, Reply)

Ceramics
I'm fairly versed on what NOT to do when making ceramic objects:

If what you're making is solid clay, it will explode in the kiln.

If you don't put in air holes in a thick object, it will explode.

If you put glaze on gray clay before firing it, it will explode.

If you raku-fire (take a glowing-hot object out of the kiln and drop it into a bin full of paper) and the glaze has been on less then 24 hours, it will explode.

Related fire safety (not me, but I was a witness): Be careful getting rid of the burned paper - it can reignite! Do not put burnt paper indoors and definately not in a plastic bin!

If you don't follow the project prompt, your piece exploding will be the least of your worries!

There's probably a lot more that I didn't ask the teacher about and/or he didn't have to yell at me not to do.
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 4:55, Reply)

Ummm
I am an expert at making origami cranes, having made over nearly 1000 for a girl scout project. I also made about 3000 on my own: 1000 went to Hiroshima and they've probably been ceremonially burned by now; 1000 got split up between Washington DC and NYC, and 1000 went to my roommate). I have also shown other people how to make them (the fact that they're able to make them after being I've shown them is a testimant to ...something).

I'm also good at making little wound-up paper stars to the point where I ran out of big vases to put them in.

My roommates and I used to be experts in adding Eddie Izzard quotes into random situations ("...and here we are in our lovely room with a view of HELL!"). Sadly, we don't do that anymore...
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 4:40, Reply)