just a couple
slouching, world cup facts, smoking and, er,.....cunnilingus.
Fin
( -:Coop:-, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:32, Reply)

Having spent nearly 20 years working in the computer industry
I am now an expert in BEER!!!!!

Have a goodun chaps & chapesses
( Big Ian has stopped changing his sig, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:29, Reply)

I used to be (in my younger and arguably sadder days)
a bit of an armchair soldier and used to know quite a lot about guns; cyclic rates of fire, calibres, that sort of thing. Not very useful in a country where you can't (and I'm glad of the fact) own any.

Still, early this Sunday morning I got woken by my phone (extremely hung-over) to settle an argument (between a friend and his girlfriend...) as to how many bullets a Mark 3 Sten gun holds. It's 32 by the way. I did get invited for breakfast afterwards so I didn't mind too much.

What a horrendously boring story - sorry.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:25, Reply)

snoozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......
I am an expert in sleeping in cars!

It just happens, dunno why?

I am also a expert at typo's as i'm too lazy to correct them!

No length...i'm a girl!
(bectoria, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:22, Reply)

Having spent nearly four years on a Chemistry PhD,
I'm now an expert in drawing crude pictures of a pink ostrich in MS Paint.
( giant_squid, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:21, Reply)

I am an expert at
Fisting

It's not as simple as one might think.
( nnnndave, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:17, Reply)

i quite good at
typing the letter T,
for example:
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
TTTTTTTTTTTTTJ

bugger
(tyler198125, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:12, Reply)

www.wordsmith.org/anagram/anagram.cgi?anagram=youlotexperts
(goat thinks you're shit, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:12, Reply)

Writing code
for a chip that will never be used.

I'm now working on a PhD blowing stuff up with lasers.
( speedyballbangpots, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:11, Reply)

A cunning linguist
Try this out guys, it really works!
spelling out the letters of your girlfriend's name on her clit, thus making her come in about 30 seconds flat! RESULT !
(Betty Boothroyd's Love custard Tourettes at the KOB, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:09, Reply)

Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen
Apparently, I'm an expert at treating women like "Toilets" (to use the macc lads phrase).
Todate, I 've got rid of three wives, last one only dissappeared a few weeks ago.
Never mind! Like red buses, there will be another one any minute !
(Betty Boothroyd's Love custard Tourettes at the KOB, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:00, Reply)

Sucking cock like a gay man
Have been told severally by some frankly startled men that I'm very good at blow jobs.

It's because I enjoy it.
(EdnaWelthorpe, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:58, Reply)

true expert at...
being a cellarman

dont ask!!

/coat
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:56, Reply)

poker
i am an expert in slowly and studiously building a large online poker bankroll, only to blow the whole lot when some gormless twat outdraws my nut flush to make a runner, runner boat!
(robotrobotROBOT, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:54, Reply)

my girlfriend
says i'm an expert at 'muffin buttering'.

o_O
(nappy rash, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:49, Reply)

My expertise is
in being a family carer for a profoundly disabled child with Lowe Syndrome.

Only two kids in Scotland with this diagnosis, and my kid's the oldest one. Plus I've been to 4 US international conferences about it. That makes me THE Scottish expert in Lowe Syndrome.

wanna argue?
(Serendipity Long time, No see., Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:49, Reply)

Formerly
a cheminformatics specialist*, but now I'm back at uni working at a PhD in NMR spectroscopy.

My true talent is that I have the gift of the gab and my enthusing powers can convince people I'm motivated and work hard. I am actually a workshy clown.

* EDIT: might be pushing it slightly. Stop spoiling my internet lies Mike!
(jokaah, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:49, Reply)

The application of Keith Johnstone's Impro...
... to the problems of thematic role-playing games.

Apparently.
( Argh-wrath ... is a very lame Glorantha joke, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:43, Reply)

Driving directions.
Because I drive for a living, I know my way around Southern California very, very well. Want to know how to get from here to there? I can tell you, and give you alternate routes, and the best times to go to avoid the traffic all without having to look at a map. Even the smallest little towns have been visited by me at some point over the last 2 years.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:41, Reply)

Cunnilingus
I'm proper good at it by all accounts.
(joe_merchandise, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:40, Reply)

Blowing bubbles of your toungue
FUCK! I really did think I was the only person on the planet sad enough to have learned how to blow bubbles off my toungue. How many more of you can do it? Oh yeah and I spent eleven years failing to get a D.phil in Philosophy
- I might rant on about it later - can anyone beat 11 years?
( EasyCheese, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:39, Reply)

Environmental Management in Higher Education
Eh-up,
I'm an (excuse for an) expert in environmental management in higher education. That may sound like an absurdly small sector, but British unis spend £200 million on energy every year, and over £2 billion on goods and services annually. So it is actually quite big. I've written three (and a half) papers, a disseration and an audit, coupled with having two degrees, a certificate and membership of a professional body.

However, most notably today, I am an expert in doing well in interviews. Just not doing quite well enough. Bloody University College Chester haven't given me a PhD Studentship in MY OWN BLOODY FIELD!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!$$5"£""!!!! Niiiii!!! Fnnugghghghghg!!!!

Gizza job. Go on, gizza job, etc etc. I'm getting desperate here. Hmmmph...

Plus pointless factoids and pedantry.

I know a fair bit about quantum cryptography, or more accurately, quantum key exchange, too.

Plus putting up with a girlfriend who tends to work abroad. Ah, love, eh?

Oh, and sex, naturally.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:35, Reply)

Italian Football
go on ask me a question


Forza Roma

CUCS
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:32, Reply)

I'm about to become an expert...
I'll be starting my PhD in september using a relatively experimental mass spectrometric technique hopefully developing it into a commercial diganostic tool for medicine.
( sudo is bored, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:22, Reply)

one Christmas, it was a great holiday but
I was disturbed to hear Dido coming from the local ice cream van. The local jobsworth bouncer (who suffered from Pilonidal Sinuses) agreed with me that this was wrong and offered to help me sort out the ice cream man until he noticed I wasn't an officer of the law, and I was wearing trainers.

Fortunately my cunt of a boss, who is also my father, a compulsive liar who talks bollocks(he is old now) and had an office affair with me as a child even though I was ugly (this was how I lost my virginity), turned up and decided we should sort the local nutter out together. I suddenly had a near death premonition and was lost, and decided to go back in time with my time machine, but had an onosecond when I remembered I was too lazy to make it and would have to stay in the shoddy present. Yet more evidence that I'm getting old, although I once overheard that this could be booze related. Disaster. Shaking off these feelings I hailed a cab, which was being driven by Brian Blessed. It was the worst journey ever, he mumbled a lot and we could hardly understand what he was saying, so I told him that he would be terrible in interviews, unlike myself, an expert. He mumbled something about clients being stupid, before he sped off, blatantly breaking the law. His tires were smoking so much they soon made the ape who was wanking while watching us smash a brick into his penis. Boy, that was going to be an embarassing injury. I really wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Like really unsure. But I decided fuck it, I'll just call him Pikey, the local slang for a ned, and cry.

So Dad and I reached the ice cream man and sabotaged his tyres. His parents came out and I realised they had once been in the local paper, and now I met them I realised that this was my claim to fame, it was a beautiful moment. It really is a guilty pleasure, pretending to like people just to get famous. They took to me like a duck to water, claiming their own son was a black sheep with bad childhood taste, full of useless information and got turned on looking at scars with "history". I told them the world's sickest joke, but soon realised I was out of my depth. I didn't like them anyway, stupid Hamdy and Isobella CerfunosharapovadenisonmcGruers. They didn't even sing the right words to Eye of the Tiger, I just remembered that now, listening to my walkman.

I got my revenge by eating all the ice cream in the van with a fork, spoons I have an irrational fear of. I still have that fork.

I don't know why I bothered, last time I ate ice cream I thought it was the worst food in the world, and was the sickest I've been, sicker than that time I wanked over my mum. Yes, that was a bad date. Fortunately I had my eyes closed and was listening to ice cream van music through headphones. The biscuits and tea were nice though. I was soon dumped live on a show, dedicated to me, afterwards, but missed it as I was carpeting someone's chimney (and I'm talking sexual innuendo here).

And that ladies and gentlemen, is my shit story. Ohhhh, I just don't get it. I only wrote it as I was skiving off work, and I had to make myself feel better for being drunk and buying a Barbie doll with the proper genitalia on eBay.

I almost certainly do not remain,

yours,

Legless
(Lannes, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:21, Reply)

Eye eye!
Im an expert at moving my eyes around indepentantly of each other. Really freaks people out, hurrah!


Yo mommas so fat, it takes 2 trains and a taxi ride just to get on her good side.
(Fishbone-didi, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:20, Reply)

Masturbation*
and I bet the same will be said at least thirty more times this week.

*It's true for me, though.
(Corn Dog, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:20, Reply)

Not Me
But my ex-wife is an expert salad-dodger - the money-grabbing copper-shagging fat slag.

Not that I'm bitter or anything...

I'm not now,
But soon will be
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:18, Reply)

Spoons
I am an expert in dyslexia, i can both read and write it in all its forms and dialects. For example, Dysexia is an anagram of Spoon
(StyX is staring at you, yes YOU!!!, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:17, Reply)