Piles...
I've become, over the years, something of an expert at piling up paper on my desk. It's my ambition to build a little fort out of these paper pile and hide from everyone in the office, and anyone who comes near is in for a rather nasty paper cut...so there!
(Leoricx, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 14:10, Reply)

Nothing Sexy or Interesting
Swim bladder dysfunction in goldfish,
the right way to make a cup of tea,
how to make friends in Japan (you need to know how to say; hello, excuse me, and I beg of you),
the Amiga 500 (not +!),
Simon Pegg,
H2G2,
information systems,
reading more than one line at a time.
(Cryptoprocta has abandoned the username of Voodoo Mary, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 14:03, Reply)

Wheel of Fortune
My expert talent lies in playing the TV gameshow "Wheel of Fortune" (sadly lacking from the UK program schedule). It began when I was a small girl dabbling my toes in the land of gameshows and was cultivated into a fearsome talent whenst living with my 80 year old Nan and her sharp-as-a-razor sister, Aunty Dot. Would come home from uni at 5:00pm to dinner on the table (gotta love the oldies food schedules) and the Wheel about to start. I always delighted in kicking Nan & Dotty's arses at the Wheel, getting in with the answer before any letters had been turned - or maybe 2 on a bad day. In the early days, to be fair, they'd pip me at the post on occasion and if sometimes I was feeling generous I'd let them win one just to keep the game alive. It's now become somewhat of a family tradition to play the Wheel when Nan and Dotty come over for tea, the best bit being when we've already solved the puzzle and Nan & Aunty Dot hurl insults at the twunts on screen still trying to get the damn thing right. To see 80+ year old women swearing and hollering abuse at the telly is one of life's greatest pleasures. I continue to be the unbeaten champ of the Wheel. Step forward any contenders.
(firesnake, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 14:02, Reply)

micro$oft
i am the youngest person in the country to gain the following qualifications

Microsoft certified pro (win2k)
Microsoft certified sys admin (win2k)
A+ certified engineer
Network+ certified engineer

no biggie you may say. but i gained them all when i was 16

so i guess im an expert in computer networking

(can anyone give me job? i hate working in tech support)
(kramit http://lpjam.blogspot.com/ woo yay, blog spam, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 13:51, Reply)

A man of many, many talents
Making origami godzillas & layered shooters (shots) out of fun bright coloured foul tasting liquers.
I'm good with my hands me.
Who said uni doesn't prepare you for the real world?
(A bit Manchester, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 13:31, Reply)

Dr_Fonz
... You filthy B3tard!
(LadyIsATramp, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 13:19, Reply)

Dew - Come get some
I like the thinking behind the tin foil plan. We'd often considered how to do something similar, but never left the flat got round to it. Just had a look on google and found a lesson for us all.

Not Nottingham-based are you Dew?
(Sir Ian Blair, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 13:17, Reply)

Lipstick
I am expert at putting on lipstick using only my norks.
(ShockerMocker, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 13:13, Reply)

....
HCI

also Warcraft 3 and RA2
( SiX and his hat, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 13:13, Reply)

The Poop King ......
that's me. I'm in the process of patenting a new dog poop-scoop. My wife says I will make a million and be known as the Poop King
(Badabing, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 13:11, Reply)

Boning chickens
I can bone a chicken in 60 seconds flat.

One day I shall make a video to prove it.
( dr_fonz, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 13:11, Reply)

I'm world class.....
In selecting the photocopier that has run out of paper or the laser printer that has run out of toner.
Never mind the amount of choice, I always get the one that needs attention first time
(ElGatodeBarco, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 12:58, Reply)

I'm an expret typerist

(skindley, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 12:58, Reply)

I'm there with Gert-Big-Robot-Gal...
....I bet I read that magazine! As a self confessed expert at koi carp I would have definitely read all available material - it was an obsession - and talk of filtration techniques would have got me very excited. Lovely pond, expertly created, superb koi carp.

They're all dead now though.
(tell me about the rabbits, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 12:53, Reply)

I'm an expert at winding my housemate up!
The mere glance from me can in rage him so much a full blown fight starts.

Shouldn't of shagged his mum i suppose.
( cooler_king That's no moon!, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 12:45, Reply)

Furniture design
Did you ever wonder why a chair seat is where it is? Or why the typing return on your desk is lower than the desk surface? I know why. And you wouldn't believe me if I told you....
(mortdubois lacks imagination, doesn't play well with others, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 12:38, Reply)

Among other things,
I can hypnotise an iguana
(The Whacker Of Moles, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 12:35, Reply)

Tranlsation
I'm a project manager in a translation agency and have become an expert in proof-reading texts in languages I don't speak (I'm particularly fond of czech, russian and hungarian). The trick is to compare the source text and translation line by line, making sure that all of the paragraphs are there and then cross your fingers and hope that the translator understood the original text and translated it properly. Two weeks in my job and you will never again be surprised to read a dodgy instruction manual...
(ellen smellen, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 12:30, Reply)

...
chemistry and dust/gas interactions in star forming regions.
(Christopsy, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 12:18, Reply)

I bet you all wish
you could make stupid noises as well as me. I can produce an extraordinary assortment of strange sounds for no reason whatsoever.

I can make a dripping noise with my mouth, play the "charge of the light brigade" by banging on my head, and play "go moog" popping my cheeks with my fingers, I can make a loud pop by inflating both cheecks until my mouth pops open, I can whistle all sorts of noises too.

I'm ace me.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 12:07, Reply)

I'm an expert in the field
of late holocene sand dune stability of the Northumberland coast, or more aptly the art of bullshit.
( polio, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 12:02, Reply)

fao: 'not very much gravitas at all'
re Muppets:

bet you didn't know that The Swedish Chef's tasch' was modelled on Wonder Woman's muff hair.
No really, its true

I am an expert in celebrity beavers.
(nappy rash, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 12:00, Reply)

It's SO on, Time-and-a-Plaice!
turbo mode, check. auto aim and radar off goes without saying (what do you think i am? a girl?!)..

The maximum handicap thing tho, i've never liked (and yes, we used to play that), it just becomes about running for the body armour then.. And it's no fun if everyone's running around with an RC-P90 or a god damn grenade launcher

As you have clearly discovered, it doesn't take long before you learn the layout of each level and can identify where everyone is from a glance, so.. What you need is the following:

* Three equally sad mates
* Two TVs
* A tv aerial splitter
* various bits of assorted wire and adaptors
* some tin foil
* an oven glove
* beer and/or drugs

Place the two TVs facing away from each other, With the TVs on, tin foil over the top half of one, and the bottom half of the other (using the oven glove to avoid a huge static shock), the tin foil should just stick with all the static.

then proceed to wire up the tv aerial splitter, should be relatively easy, tho you'll probably need a pile of different cables and adaptors (you're so on your own here, but probably best do it before the beer/drugs ;))

Then you can play in two teams, blocking off your opponent's screens, with radar off, in license to kill mode (or max handicap if you really like it that much).. this makes for a much more challenging game, even if it does require a huge amount of fucking about to set up..

And i'll still kick your arse.
(godders loves you, children, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 11:51, Reply)

Ho hum
I am an expert in the field of traffic calming. I feel I should recount an amusing story, but frankly, there aren't any.

I also know rather a lot about the Volkswagen Scirocco. However, this arguably just makes me sad, rather than an expert.
(Throbbe, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 11:38, Reply)

The Moai
As a result of multiple degrees taken to avoid meaningful, gainful work:

The development of fungal taxonomy
The use of artificial immune systems in data-mining
Intellectual property and technology transfer under EU law

Wouldn't it be better to debate what we WANT to be experts in? In my case, Grand Theft Auto, making piles of cash out of the stock market and kung fu.
(The Moai, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 11:33, Reply)

Let's see...
I'm an expert in Indian and (to a lesser extent) Tibetan Buddhist philosophy.

I also know stuff about films, music and Linux.
(MSB Load universe into cannon. Aim at brain. Fire., Fri 24 Jun 2005, 11:21, Reply)

Not me, but
I'm meeting up with some friends this weekend.

One of them has a Phd in Sedimentary Mud. I often wonder how useful his doctorate in mud has been in his chosen career of a chef.
(Light, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 11:19, Reply)

Lefty Shame
Despite being a left-leaning loudmouth and cultural snob, and despite regarding reality TV show titfests with the disdain they deserve, I retain a near encyclopedaec knowledge of brainless bubblegum pop. Particularly boybands.

And yes, I am both heterosexual and worried about myself.
(Light, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 11:18, Reply)

There's no place like home
If I was on Mastermind I think my specialist subject would be the film The Wizard of Oz. As a child I watched it at least once every single day for several years. I therefore know all the dialogue off by heart, the scene sequence, the songs, the characters, I have even spotted the clangers (there are quite a few.) Sadly my boundless knowledge in this subject has never been put to use.....
(Mad McMad, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 11:17, Reply)