Failed to get out of the way of a reversing car.....
1986, Northern Ireland.
A small, 7 year old weapon fails to spot a brown ford crapi, reversing toward him in a car park in Lisburn. The following few seconds were and are a completely dead sector of my memory. I crawled out from under the car and around the corner to my home. Th driver was too shocked to help, git. Long story short, skinned my back completely, broke my neck and my head took 50 some stitches worth of a pounding. May not sound like many, but when you're 7, your head is quite small.
On the plus side, the driver bought me a bag of M&Ms while I was in belfast hospital.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 9:28, Reply)

Irony
I was the first student in College to sit a 2 year 'A' Level course for Computing in 1 year, failed that miserably.

Straight after that, I've been working with computers ever since for the last 10 years and build them whenever I need to too. Nice to know that my 'A' Level attempt meant something.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 9:12, Reply)

I failed to fail my driving test first time....
...you fucking failures.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 8:50, Reply)

they told me
that I was outgoing, upbeat, confident, funny and attractive.

And that's the story of how I failed to get into Radiohead.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 8:37, Reply)

Failed no notice how many of my high school friends were queer.
Out of my closest circle of friends in high school, 3 out of 6 are now out of the closet. That's gotta be unusually high, right?

An amusing story is when one of 'em came out of the closet to me. I was at his gaff helping him write some software for his mother, and he just blurted out "Did I tell you I'm gay lately?"

The girl he was living with was so shocked she spit her coffee over herself. She knew, but he'd been very protective of his secret and hadn't even told his mother yet.

I said "Cool, does that mean I'm getting blown?"

"Not a chance." he responded.

Then I turned to the girl he was living with, who had her hand clapped over her mouth to stop more coffee spilling out. I asked "There's nothing worse than a discriminating queer, dont'cha think?"

That tipped her over the edge. Coffee sprayed between her fingers and out her nose, then she ran to the bathroom gagging and snorting.
( MarkyH feels like the H in Bob Hoskins' name, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 8:07, Reply)

Failed
To realise that my best friend through high school was completely insane. We haven't spoken since 1998, why you ask?
He never did say, one day we're bestest friends, next day, we aren't.
He was a completely anal little fella though, with special green air max's that he only wore on Fridays. He strictly saw his long term girlfriend only on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays and wouldn't use a urinal. I could go on about this one for the rest of the day, but only if I failed to pick up on the reader's impending boredom.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 7:46, Reply)

GCSE Design Technology.
The coursework I submitted was:

* A Nail
* A Shattered piece of plastic
* An A4 piece of paper stating merely "Nails are not an effective method of affixing plastic to a wooden surface."

I received a U for ungraded.
( MarkyH feels like the H in Bob Hoskins' name, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 7:43, Reply)

What Havent I Fialed at thus far...
College
any and all Jobs
Drivers test, written
Drivers test, Vehicle
All but one relationship ( the one i'm in)
my husband
my children
every fucking body

( my lord i'm feeling so EMO right now, slit my wrists and go write bloody aweful poetry until the loss of blood and brainfarts slowly incompassitate me...............................Oh Fuck that. I totally fucking rock, and everyone knows that.Plus, Emo's are Gheyer than Sir Elton John on extasy...)
and i'm spent.
(well that went better than expected, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 7:24, Reply)

Failures at multiple levels: Grade 5 Theory of Music
I failed Grade 5 theory of music 3 times before squeaking through by 3 marks or points or notes or whatever the hell they're called. The only single thing I can remember learning from the experiences was just how odd the music teacher was. An absolute freak. Very, very strange man, I think he was the violin teacher in real life.
The bigger failure, however, was not putting two and two together namely making a handy link between my complete hatred of the clarinet and the knowledge that I wouldn't be allowed to take Grade 6 without the theory exam. It seems so simple now. Bugger.
I also failed O level Latin with a U having previously been scoring As and Bs. But then another very strange teacher started to take the lessons and it went downhill fast, and became the impenetrable and useless language that it actually is. His name was Mr Arnold, and he shed a copious amount of dry skin and dandruff everywhere he went.
Not sure how a posh private boy's school employed so many freaks, but there you have it.
At least I also failed to be molested by any of them, so it could have been worse.
(Thomas_The_Spankengine, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 4:22, Reply)

spectacular driving test failure!!
i used to know this girl, let's call her S. she had the WORST case of munchausens syndrome you have ever heard. i used to just nod and listen, stupified by the web she wove. by 21 she had been a captain in the QARANCS, a radiographer in the NHS, a major of something in the Army and fooled a guy into marrying her by being pregnant and then *losing* it a few weeks later. and that (6 months after she had been sterilised) she was having a FIFTH child because her daughter needed stem cells to cure leukemia.

so she tells me she's doing her driving test (i'm thinking rocket ship to the moon?). two weeks later i bump into her and ask how it went. basically, her instructor had a massive heart attack JUST as she pulled into the kerb where he was about to tell her she had passed. luckily a priest just happened to be PASSING BY and gave the guy the last rites.

but as he had died BEFORE he had signed her off as a pass, she was told that she technically hadn't passed!! i was gobsmacked. i hadn't told her that we had the same instructor and he had taken me out that morning. he had said he wasn't going to have her in his car again, described her variously as "fuckin' nutter" "nearly made my eyes and ears and rectum bleed simultaneously".
(superbabs, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 4:19, Reply)

i got promoted - woo hoo!!
i had been working my crummy job for three years, getting more pissed off every day. one day the supervisor was just being a bitch and letting everybody who'd come in after me go on teabreak - so i thought "screw you - i will have your job!" and got an application - and didn't get the job. CURSES. and the bitch who got it looks just like the bitch in the hand sanitiser advert! NO HARD FEELINGS MY ARSE!!

so i went for the job again a few months later - but this time i was prepared. i kissed up to all the managers, did all the research i could and got it. everybody still hates the evil new supervisor but they love me cos i let them go on sneaky "toilet"(smoke) breaks, i don't tell, i ask them to help me and i don't treat them like minions. i'm happy cos i'm super well paid now, for less hours and i don't have to deal with customers/serial complainers anymore.

i know it's not a total failure story - but i'm happy.
(superbabs, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 4:07, Reply)

my french test
back in year 9...

Wrote a load of English nonsense where we were meant to put french... the title was one of the ridiculous "que-ce-se-quel-qu-qu" things, so I just put "qu-qu-qu-qu-qu". put my name down as Eileen Dover (in an all boys school) and wrote "(teacher name) is a witch". lower on the sheet, it said, "burn the witch!" with a lovely little picture.

It got copied and mailed home to both of my parents. My dad went apeshit and phoned up to have a go at me. My mum thought it was hilarious and took it to show everybody in her office. It got passed up the building and mailed to the other branch, who in turn eventually mailed it back.

I still have that test. It's fucking legendary. I show it to everybody I can, and with a smug smile on my face, I say "I did this!" while I suddenly realise what a fucking child I look like :-)
(Tyraen, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 3:25, Reply)

Failed to join up to the right force
I joined the RAF a little over two years ago as an AMM (aircraft maintainence mechanic). This means I am going to be involved in basic aircraft maintainence for the next 2 years before I get any kind of responcibility.
My mate joined the RN a year before I signed up and is now a non-commissioned officer (something it is going to take me at least another five years to even get considered for).

Then again, if had have joined the navy I'd be up to my neck in cock by now, so it's swings and roundabouts really.
(MauveGnome is watching you whilst you sleep, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 3:13, Reply)

I failed to finish the last day at one of my schools
It had already been determined that I was going to move schools and on the last day I was at the old school I called this other kid in my class an 'asshole'

The problem wasn't so much that I swore, but I swore in front of prospective parents, and my mum was called to pick me up at lunchtime.

It wasn't until recently that because of the seriousness the school treated the situation that my mum thought I told someone to 'fuck off' which she found out I only called a kid an 'asshole'. We both laughed about that one.

The kid in question wasn't an asshole I was just pissed off at the time, but my class teacher on the other hand was a cunt. And still is.
( Haku Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Three Orange Whips., Sat 6 Jan 2007, 3:12, Reply)

BF
I'm about to fail my RN Battle Fitness test on wednesday if I don't get physically fit very soon.

I still however stand by my statement that I'm only going to the gym so I can eat more.


Length = teeny, hopefully like my running time
(grey.squirrel, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 2:42, Reply)

Well, failure is not something I do often, but i do remember
one occasion when I failed miserably to follow up a dead cert night or two of hot passion and guilt free sex with a girl and her mate coz I thought they were joking.

They were not.

I am still sulking over that.


then there was the blond national lottery "dolly" bird at a winners party I attended (after winning 4 grand - and yes I was on TV) that actually invited me to her room, and as usual, I did not pick up that she really did want me to go up to her room until it was too late. (my brother went instead) bastard.

Oh, I also flunked my French exam, mainly as I refused to do it (I said it was a useless language, and I'd rather learn German as at least if they tried to go to war against us again, I would understand them, and be able to shout abuse at them) the French I reckoned would just surrender as usual.
( TBL I posted this on, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 1:50, Reply)

Marriage.
But I seem to have excelled at divorce, so it all evens out. Might try my hand at murder next......
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 1:48, Reply)

I Failed
My CBT. For those that don't know, it's the training you must take to drive a motorbike. And I failed. My excuse? It was raining (and i was useless at figure 8s). Passed the second time though :).
Failed to get Wireless Internet working (me getting the password wrong), failed to cancel AOL I don't use (10 quid a month for nothing!), failed first time I drove a car. Straight into a hedge. Slowly, luckily. Also failed grade 4 clarinet, and probably other stuff that I have mentally blocked out. Didn't fail any exams (didn't do RS GCSE luckily), but 1 IT class all got Ds and Cs when predicted As and A*s. The teacher was fired very qucikly.
Not as bad as dear mother at her O-levels. 9% in German mock, 11% in Maths mock. Unsuprisingly they didn't let her take the real exams.



Wait a minute....this question...IT'S AN EMO QUESTION!!!!!! THEY WANT US TO BE DEPRESSED SO WE END OUR SAD MISERABLE LIVES!!!!
Why would you do that B3ta?

I'm off to cut my wrists and look at dead animals now.
(RooRooRasputin Lover of the Russian Queen, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 1:43, Reply)

Failed
to get AIDS, HIV, or hepatitis after screwing more suspect minge whilst under the influence than Max Hardcore.

Frankly I'm amazed tbh.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 0:52, Reply)

fuck me, where do i start? :)
one that sticks in my mind is French A level.
I'd 'finished' the paper in 25 minutes - during a 2 hour exam. I didn't have the guts to walk out, so i sat there slowly going mental with anguish.

A level results: 2 U's and an N
i retook the N and got a U

hindsight suggest i should have done some work
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 23:30, Reply)

Failed musician
I was failed in my grade 5 clarinet exam by an examiner who was more interested in telling me about his emigration the next week. I still believe I should have passed and that he was just distracted.

As for RE, I did PRSE - Personal, Religious and Social Education. I also got a whole bunch of certificates from the county education authority. I've never managed to connect the two though...
( Bozo the Clone will work for chocolate., Fri 5 Jan 2007, 23:17, Reply)

I failed to become James Bond...
...and it's all my Mum's fault.

After uni, jobs weren't as easy to come by as I imagined (who'd have thought an English Lit degree has no practical application?) So I spent several months at home applying for everything available and getting nowhere.

One position was with MI5's graduate program. Quite liking the idea of being seduced by feisty Eastern European double agents, I applied, without thinking I'd hear anything.

One day, upon coming home from my temp job my Mum pressed a large, serious-looking brown envelope into my hand, saying, "Open this - it looks important." So I went into my room and opened it up - turns out it's an invitation from MI5 to attend the initial test stage of their screening process. Awesome.

Then the letter says - and I'm paraphrasing here - "This is the first step towards a career in which you will have to keep important secrets - not only from people you don't know, but also from your friends, and even your family. So you should start now - don't tell anyone about the nature of this interview." Rightyho, I can do that.

On cue, in comes my Mum. "Is it an interview? Who's it with?"

"No-one."

"Son, tell me."

"Mum, it's not important."

"Look, I've been putting you up here since you left university and I need to know that you're doing the right things. What is in that letter?"

"Mum - I can't tell you..."

*Mum grabs the envelope out of my hands and reads the letter.*

Mum - "Oh my god! You're going to work for MI5! Wait here - I'm going to tell everyone!"

So, essentially, I failed the first (and only) task MI5 would ever attempt to give me in roughly 30 seconds. Either I'd be the worst spy ever, or my Mum is a criminal genius.

(I did go to the tests - it was all very odd. I didn't get in, and the country is doubtless safer for it.)
(silencer, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 22:47, Reply)

I failed to think of a good story this week

(__, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 22:35, Reply)

Form 1 Failure.
In Form One, I sat my first social studies exam..... and got 34%. (Or something like that. I can't remember the exact score, but it was in the 30s).
I've also failed multiple maths tests (but, happily, passed both my IGCSE maths exams, meaning that I never have to do maths again - yay! And if you're wondering why I had to do 2 IG maths exams, I did Core maths in Form 4 and Extended maths in Form 5).
(GLC, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 22:22, Reply)

Train Driving...
I was off sick some time ago and instead of saying "Don't bother coming in" work found me a really interesting job at our company recruitment centre in London, helping out, photocopying things.etc

Once or twice I did structured interviews for applicants for the trainee train drivers jobs. Usually, we get thousands of applications for only very few vacancies, and the nature of the job means that we get some very odd people who like the railways very much (think duffle coat, thermos flask.etc).

Anyhew, one interviewee manages to get through all the aptitude tests, physcometric evaluations and reaction/concentration tests, and I get told to go through the interview with him, and mark off his scores on the sheet.
"Any probs, I'm just in the next room" the HR woman tells me.
So I introduce myself, tell the guy that I'm a driver, and the first question was something like "so why do you want to be a train driver?".
I then had to listen to 20mins of the interviewee tell me everything I don't want to know about the railway. How he wants to drive Unit Number such and such, how he dreams of signals and stations, how he spent £3,000 travelling around Poland looking at steam trains. I think I knew he was about to fail when he asked me if I'd driven his favourite train and did I have any photos, because he'd email me some if I wanted...

Failed for being too enthusiastic (and living with his Mum, when he was 42...) and having 'poor personal hygiene issues'.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 21:45, Reply)

absolute disaster
I failed at doing 2 things at once...

Trying to put my watch on while using the toilet.

At the crucial moment my finger slipped and I dropped my watch in the toilet and pissed all over my legs

:(
(gunken 100% better than tungsten, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 21:44, Reply)

I failed...
my Sociology O-level.

That may make me unique!
(littlesunshine licked your blinky diodes on, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 21:44, Reply)

A-Levels...
Having gone to a rather questionable East London Comp (i.e. it closed down two years ago), I managed to pass 12 GCSEs (we all had to troop in to see the Careers woman after getting exam results - she didn't believe me - "12 A-Cs??... In THIS school?").

Anyhew, two years later, it's A-Level time. Now in the years between GCSE and A-Level, *some* of us found the local pub, part time jobs.etc and women.

Hence my two Ds (English Lit and Sociology) and a (just barely) grade C in Computing. Questions were asked about my lack of A-Level performance...

... my answer was that I was working for an IT company, studying for a (paid for) MCSE and did most of my A-Level coursework in the pub while p*ssed. Aparently they weren't pleased as I had been predicted 3 A grades.

And as for GCSE RE exams, I (an atheist) came second with a B grade - only beaten to first place in the year by the school's only Hindu. (Did I mention it was a Catholic School?)
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 21:30, Reply)