Yaaaarrrrr
I were caught stealin' grog frae the Cap'n's Table, so they tied me up to the mizzen mast, got the Cat O' Nine Tails and....

Oh... FAILED....
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Mon 8 Jan 2007, 9:53, Reply)

I failed to tell the time.
When I was a nipper I was something of the rebellious sort, and refused to do any maths work. This was primary school, mind.

OK, it wasn't really rebelliousness, it was just that you can only do "4 x 3" so many times before feeling the desire to murder people. So I just refused to do it. The problem is that the teachers thought I was just stupid, and gave me more maths work to do, and then threatened that I would be taken down a year. Yes, I nearly failed primary school.

I also couldn't tell the time. Again, it wasn't really that I wasn't capable of it, I just couldn't be bothered to learn. I mean: what was the point? We all had digital watches, where you can just read the time. Why would I ever need an analog clock?

And so I had to spend an hour or so in the Headmistresses office periodically telling her the time - every quarter of an hour in fact. Surprisingly enough it wasn't all that difficult.

Much much later, I also failed to break up with a girl. I tried my hardest, I really did... she just didn't believe me when I said I wanted shot of her (and in hindsight doing it on the phone probably wasn't the best option). In the end, I had to do it publically, just so that I had witnesses.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 9:47, Reply)

The lord failed moses
And the Lord did speak unto Moses, and he said come fourth..

..and Moses did come fith..

..and lost his beer money.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 9:26, Reply)

I failed miserably on a job interview..
Lost my resume, was late and didnt know a damn thing about what they were hiring for. So I ate the free doughnuts and pinched a couple of soda's for the road. Never heard from them again.
(Peripheral Visionary, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 6:32, Reply)

college
failed chemistry and biology as levels. Apparently falling asleep every chemistry lesson doesn't make you learn stuff.

I actually failed all bar 1 history exam but I scraped through on an E thanks to my coursework (it still counts as a pass, I got UCAS points for it and everything)

I failed at keeping my new years resolution of not drinking spirits an hour into new years day.

I also fail at going to uni lectures, I've come to the conclusion sleep is more important. I guess I'm going to fail this year too.
(lei, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 6:09, Reply)

My geography coursework.
It's due in about 7 hours, I've done none of it, well 300 words about the history the London Docklands out of a 2500 word field study isn't really anything is it?
(jakesomething, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 3:36, Reply)

I failed to take a place
on a free, mcse course, my local college were offering. I'd scored some work inputting data into a database. Which was fairly dull and the inevitable happens, due to the place being red hot, I keep drifting off.
I get a phonecall, to invite me onto the course, I politely decline due to needing xmas cash.
I was given the boot, three days later.

Goodbye seven grands worth of free course.
( Wildheart Baby. Drunken Mess In A Good Way, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 3:17, Reply)

And just for the driving test story
Failed it 3 times in England. First time, reversing round a corner (hit the kerb, only got 2 minors). 2nd time - parallel parking - hit the kerb, 4 minors.
3rd time, 5 minutes into the test, same examiner as first time, reversing round a corner. Hit the kerb.
Me: "Shall we just go back to the test center now, then?"
Him: "Yup"
Instructor: Laughing her arse off "guess you hit the kerb again, then?"

California test - 20 minutes, no 'points' as they call them, piece of piss. You drive down a few streets, 1 set of traffic lights, 2 stop signs. My 'manouver' was reversing 10ft in a straight line........got back to the DMV (test center) - "best driving I've ever seen"
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 2:57, Reply)

Blimey
All these stories of driving test failures offer up an explanation for the abysmal drivers I have to dodge on a far-too-regular basis. I guess the driving test has become more difficult since I passed it, unlike all the other exams being heralded in the Express & Daily Mail as easier each year, robbing our precious bairns of their academic birthright or some such nonsense, and, rather than put in the effort needed to develop their skills to a minimum acceptable standard, people just hop behind the wheel unlicensed. And ininsured too, no doubt. Cunts.

Fuck's sake. It ain't that difficult. Don't think about controlling the car; the mechanical aspect of it should be ingrained habit by the time you take your test. Just pay attention to what's around you. I mean, Christ, I make no pretence of being a good driver (that way lies complacency); I just try to be a safe one. I'm not the only road-user out there, something which all BMW/Audi/Mercedes drivers should learn to keep in mind.

Bah. Humbug. If people can't pass first time, and demonstrate a thorough knowledge of Roadcraft as well, then they shouldn't be on the road.

Oh, er, hang on. Failures. Right. Let's see. Motorcycle test for one. Took it far too early, and failed on the U-turn. Put my foot down. Should have had lots more practice beforehand to overcome my piss-poor sense of balance. Not sure why the instructor told me I was ready for the test, since he could have earned plenty more sitting there watching me practice U-turn after U-turn.

Academically, I failed A-level Maths. Well, not so much failed as didn't hand in enough work to get a grade in the first place. Useless fucking exam boards with their newfangled insistence on coursework being a better measure of someone's aptitude. Cunts. Give me a final exam any day, one I can revise for and pass with flying colours. It's somewhat telling that the subjects at which I did well were mainly exam-based, and the ones at which I did poorly were mainly coursework-based.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 2:49, Reply)

Failed to get a Green Card
Right, as most of you know, about 3 months ago I had my green card interview. Was told they'd write to me. The following day, I went to USCIS to get my employment authorization and was told I wouldn't need it as my green card had been approved. Hence me coming on here going woohooo, my green card is coming, woo yay houpla etc.

Nah, USCIS being a government agency, actually meant to tell me "you're a fuckwit, you overstayed your visa, therefore you now have to file this waiver which are hardly ever approved in-country".

I'm now looking at probably being deported back to Hull, and a life of misery for 3 years while hubby and I fight it. And I'll be away from hubby all that time (no sex!!!!! Arrrggghhh!)
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 2:12, Reply)

I failed
at shaving my bollocks. My girlfriend said she wanted me to get rid of all the excess hair - never seen so much blood. And after a trip to the A&E in good old Steeton - was told "no arousing situations for at least a week." How do you avoid that when you watch as much porn as me??

Edit:
*pop* And that's just the blisters....
( pickspicks, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 1:18, Reply)

F!
GCSE design and technology was all about designing a toothbrush for children. Easy, right? Scribble a few pictures down, take the exam, go home.

I did absolutely no prep work and exam time rolls around. I'm sitting behind my mate Matthew in the exam room who said he could hear my idiotic giggling after we left. So, why did I try to fail?

When you look at a DESIGN and TECHNOLOGY exam and spy a question that asks 'why is it important for children to brush their teeth?' something inside the sixteen year-old psyche just snaps. Instead of picking up an easy mark I wrote: "Do I look like a fucking dentist?"

Then I thought I'd compound the error by drawing cocks all over the exam paper and making slight alterations to the exam instructions to the tune of "you will need red, blue and green pen(i)s to complete this exam" amongst others.

Hence the immature giggling and a big F on the results.
(ElectricMonk is falling awake on, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 0:39, Reply)

Success + excess = failure?
I have failed at two things:

1) I was fired as a waitress at the Dog 'N' Suds at age 16 for "not having the right attitude." So that counts as a success, really.

2) I got 38% in Statistics for Psychology. It was due to my dyscalculia. (You see what a cracking psychologist was lost to the world?)

At love, however, I have succeeded. Perhaps too well. So I have also failed to avoid being called a "slut" according to a fence, but again, whether that's a success or a failure depends on your point of view. No such thing as bad publicity, right?
(socialised_medicine quietly returns to Saskatchewan for Lurkfest 2007, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 0:28, Reply)

My friend's driving test
Was over even quicker than the one that introduces this QOTW.

The eyesight test, the questions under the bonnet, turn the ignition and he's off. Turns left out of the test centre and drives for as long as the examiner will allow on the right hand side of the road, and was told to return to the test centre. At least I made it as far as the M11 roundabout before failing (anyone who's taken their test in Bishops Stortford will be farmilar with this terrifiying prospect).

Oh, and another friend has currently failed twice. Both times with no minors and one major. To parapharse Oscar Wilde, to do that once is unfortunate, to manage it twice is just plain silly.
( Whillow, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 0:16, Reply)

My PhD
Failing my PhD led me to write this song:

www.morttheostrich.co.uk/ice_new.mp3
( giant_squid, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 23:57, Reply)

Well
On Tuesday, I will be failing my driving test. Again. For the fourth time.

I wonder how many tests I can take before they chain me up, steal my car, and refuse to let me behind the wheel.

I hate examiners.
(Nearly, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 23:49, Reply)

I failed
to shave my legs today.

Hence boyfriend just putting his hand on my leg now and going "mmARGH STUBBLY"

go me
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 23:01, Reply)

SHUG
I too know the chronic failure with women, for the most part it is the story of my life

-------------------------------------------

My own tale revolves around women, exams and too many illicet substances known to many as the opposite of Alkali.

I could carry on in sych a fashion, but given that I'm half trolleyed, I'll cut it short.

Got bombed with the then Queen Lottie of Swandanavia, went into my GCSE woodwork exam and spent what felt like 6 weeks drawing trees and sawdust in before and after pictures. FOllowed by several months of sleep, and technicolour air in every direction. Blooming magic so it was.

And LO! I got a D.

No apologies for length, so long as the depth can take it.
(King of Swandanavia Proud owner of the worlds first Flong, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 21:08, Reply)

Gawd,
what a QOTW this is, with a few exceptions it's like a subliminal trigger for the buried, humourless Emo in everyone. I refuse to stoop so low as to expose my weaknesses in so trivial a manner and am off to top myself out of respect for what remains of my tattered dignity.

Also I once failed a hard sums test when I was 7.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 20:59, Reply)

dating
Now im a chronic failure with the ladies and the first date i went on says plenty about ones skills.

I was set up with this lass and we had a few scoops at a local rock bar,que me making repeated and valaint attempts at invigorating conversation only to be met with stony silence.

She left the venue with some other guy and i never saw her again.
(shug, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 20:55, Reply)

not a test, but during a driving lesson once...
the instructor (who was cool and looked like the Tom Baker version of Doctor Who - scarf included) told me to change gear. For some reason I yanked the handbrake, and di a perfect handbrake turn.

After he'd got his breath back, he said "never do that again, please", and we continued with the lesson. Huzzah! I've not yet got as far as taking my test (that was about five years ago)
(teasus likes tea, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 20:32, Reply)

Another driving test failure
I don't know why he failed me though, surely running over one little girl is just one minor, not sixteen.
(sailorspoon started wiping his own arse from, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 19:51, Reply)

Failed smellily
I was carrying a bowl of cerial upstairs and i tripped and it went all over the wall and not my stairs smell of old milk
(abignumber, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 19:37, Reply)

cunting driving shitting bum
i have failed so far twice at my driving test. i started learning in june and still cant pass in january. the first one, i felt, was brilliant. the guy was young, fit and even had chats with me (i was told this is NOT allowed)
then we were all of 14 feet from the gates to the test centre at the end. WOO i thought! pass first time! wrong.
as i pulled onto the road the test centre was on, i had to stop to check all was clear as there were cars double parked everywear and lots of bushes on the corner. i brought the car as far forward as safely possible, sticking me head out of the window to make sure the chap knew i was observing.
left...all clear
right...all clear
so i start to pull out, but as i did, some mother in her huge 4x4 comes roaring round the left of me, causing me to emergancy stop. she flasshes her lights, gives me the finger and bibs her horn. surly i should have passed as it wasnt my fault and i was able to stop safely?
anyway, the second time i was so nervious, i pulled onto a main road mear centremetres from a passing taxi, causing the new driving instructor to shreek.

my nex test is on feb the 7. boo.

i also have exams this week.
(leftehhhh, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 18:30, Reply)

Driving test
Twice

Made a few mistakes but I still maintain that it was because I called the same examiner by the wrong name on both tests.

Passed on the 3rd occasion with a different examiner.

The Name Perry doesnt remotley sound like Phil to Me either but that vital mistake must have at least contributed to costing me about £100 in test fees.

Boring story but Im bitter after losing the money
(Monkeyofspong, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 17:55, Reply)

Driving Test
...My mum realised she had failed her driving test only after she had been pulled over by the police for dangerous driving after overtaking the police car around a blind bend at 70mph in a 40 zone...


Hopefully I don't pick up any of her bad habits before my test....
( Jimbo314 is drunk on, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 17:46, Reply)

My Greatest Regret
is the failure of getting my QOTW post in on time.
(clayud, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 16:21, Reply)

My Uncle
was up the other week, along with my cousin and my elder brother. none of us managed to make it into uni without resitting a-levels/the equivalent so my uncle announced that "we must be the dumbest members of the family" which i felt was a bit harsh.
at least he then made it worse for himself by announcing that he'd failed an open book exam whilst at uni.
(cs192 is sucking on a Koala at, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 15:47, Reply)

impossible exam
As part of my course at uni last year i had to take a subject called "the human body" basically about anatomy. At the time it was sweet, 10 weeks of lectures about the body and some time dissecting dead bodys.

The exam came. The examiner decided to ignore the fact we had done 10 weeks worth of lectures and decided to base an entire test on what some corpse fuckning doctor had mumbled during one incomprhencable session where i was distracted by the fact i surrounded by decaying bodys and skulls in a dissection lab (plus embalmed baby, more annoyed i didnt pocket it on the way out. what a conversation peice).
I answered the one question i knew and then wrote:
"I wasted 2 weeks revising for this test. A test that contains none of the things i was revising. So cheers for that. Heres a picture of a tree".
I then proceeded to draw the most a ellaborate tree ever, one that spand the entire 5 pages of the exam book.
8%. lowest mark i got for anything ever. I also got a bitter note telling me not to waste an academics valuble time. If only i'd drawn a comedy phallous insted...

Luckily it turns out no-one did much better than me. We all complained, signed a petition etc and sent it to the top bods. Allthough they never admitted that the examiner was a retard they bumped all our marks up.
8% became 42%, just a pass.
So i didnt fail after all, sorry for wasting everyones time.

length? its part opptical illusion mate
(Orangeygoodness clicks cartoons hard, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 15:38, Reply)

Another driving test story
I was doing so well, I'd only racked up 1 minor for having to make a second attempt at a parallel park (but realising just short of a kerb tap). Then we came up to a new roundabout that was still being built. "Take the 2nd Exit". OK, well the first exit was completely blocked off by a construction site fence, so in my mind, that is no longer an exit, infact, with only 3 exits on the whole roundabout, the second exit to me is in fact the one I am just coming out from. So I pass the construction site, and as I am passing what I had thought was the *real* first exit, a flicker of thought came into my head. That *IS* the second exit! SHIT! Think on your toes DavyBoy, what to do?! GO FOR IT! And so I swing the car into the exit, going more into the oncoming traffic lane than my own.

I knew I had failed, but we still had to drive back to the centre. Which to be fair was some of my best driving on the way back. The car park at the centre on a slope was my final undoing. Stalling the car 4 times getting into a fucking parking space, and after the fourth attempt, the way I had been told to leave it looked more like a rape victim, than a proper park, my arse hanging out in the car park, all a kilter!
I passed my second test with only a couple of minors. And the test I had in the states was just a piece of piss!
( DavyBoyInGravyJoy Grey Goose Vodka on Ice, nothing finer, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 15:36, Reply)