I can't believe they banned Albert.
That's well out of order.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 12:49, 5 replies)

When I hover over "Reply" it says "Quick Reply"
So I did.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 12 Jun 2014, 9:50, 13 replies)

has anyone said baby d yet

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 1:03, 8 replies)

Fantasist?
Walking out of a supermarket a couple of weeks ago I nearly bumped into a bloke wearing ebay combats and Daysack.
He was also wearing an old respirator.
(Docofair, Wed 11 Jun 2014, 22:34, 9 replies)

I'm sure I know
the biggest fantasist of all, I was married to him.
He believed the most amazing things about himself and everybody else.
Apart from believing that every phone call or every visit I made to friends I was having phone/real sex with someone else, he also thought he was the shit...
Such things as
He was offered work in Vegas as a DJ, even though everytime he mixed it turned into an earbleed train wreck.
He was going to be a world class photographer even though he got rejected from every picture compo he entered for.
He was actually taking pictures for National Geographic, but never got round to sending them.
He was going to be in politics because he knew Lance Armstrong, first man on the moon.(I know)
His family had links to the Royal Family, and they wanted him to come to the UK
After finally kicking him out, after a thankfully very short marriage, he insisted on a DNA test for my son, apparently his mum said it was essential so I didn't try and take him for anything I shouldn't.
My son was born in 1990.
I met my ex-husband in 2005.
He was a right loon.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Wed 11 Jun 2014, 22:29, 9 replies)

"Exclusive: Danny Alexander: Lib Dems could be biggest party by 2025"
"Danny Alexander told a recent parliamentary party away day in Wyboston, Bedfordshire, that the Lib Dems could be the largest party in British politics by 2025."

honest
(Guy Debord cette mauvaise réputation..., Wed 11 Jun 2014, 22:23, Reply)

I have a 44,000 litre saltwater pool and am not upset.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 11 Jun 2014, 22:01, 3 replies)

The mods on b3ta are doing a great job.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 11 Jun 2014, 21:56, Reply)

v upset v

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 11 Jun 2014, 18:23, 6 replies)

Used to work with a bloke who felt that his Cornish birth made him some sort of massive workplace celebrity (in Surrey).
Anyway, his faux-wackiness was harmless enough but he would come back from the weekend with incredible tales of sexual encounters such as "I got on the train the other day, and this girl came up to me and basically TOLD me to get off with her at the next stop and go back to her flat with her. Well, after 3 hours of shagging later, I got back on the train etc".

These stories were mostly about strangers he met in nightclubs and stuff like that. We never saw him attracting any girls when we were out with him. We were probably scaring them off, he'd say.
He then started including people we knew in his stories, even including a colleague he was sharing a rented house with.

Anyway, his world came tumbling down when he told me he'd been on a work trip to Singapore with 3 other colleagues. One of them, a Romford girl who worked in one of our small London offices, had called his hotel room in the middle of the night and told him to get down there pronto and give her a good seeing to, according to his post-trip story. Sadly, once more, a lot of people were impressed. Grist to his mill.
I, however, was good friends with the girl in question and, at the office Christmas party in London, said "so, I heard about you and Cornish in Singapore, eh? *wink wink*". She looked at me like I'd just farted on her mother's corpse. "Wot you mean!? Wot's ee said?!"

I hid my glee as I told her his account of what happened and watched and she went puce with fury and stormed over in his direction, where he was once again holding court about another tale of derring do, probably.

I didn't stick around to see what she did but I'm sure it really wasn't pretty, and amazingly some people got the arse with ME for being a shit-stirrer. Bah.
( Fray Brentos *mega-belms*, Wed 11 Jun 2014, 16:16, 5 replies)

Once upon a time, there was a board full of stories and hope
But, one day, the evil, evil trolls stumbled across it as they marauded over the Internet.

It is told, that they did not know they were trolls, and were really just people who had never known love or the feeling of being accepted in their local and with the calls of "dickhead" ringing in their ears had set out from many places in their virtual Honda Accords of justice, to find a place they might call their own.

And so it came to pass that on one fateful day, the virtual Honda's converged upon a shady (with a twist of lime) corner of the inter webs in synchronicity as was foretold in the book of Rob's. It was truly a dark day when they came together, like a boys school, pleasuring themselves to a single 1980's copy of Razzle, the unrestrained repressed sexual violence they brought upon that collection of naive electronic surfers was a horror we doubt the universe will see again.

The trolls they were clever and did not spring into the light but, spread their evil in whispers and half truths from the shadows. The first to suffer at their hands was the noble Tribe of Mod, who had protected this place with their truth and virtue, but were brought asunder with tales of canine molestation. Then like dew drops in the summer sun, we saw the destruction of the great houses of Spimf, Hood Butter, Legless and Spanky Hanky and we despaired when the not so great house of Smash Monkey fell to the dark side. Some though greatly diminished stayed strong, and fought the trolls in the valiant yet futile act of Trolling the Trolls, even though it cost them dearly in salt water pools and pissed upon mouths.

A dark prophet arose, a keeper of the false archives, and even though he had lurked from the shadows for many a year, his humorous persona of fat spouses and rutting rodents had allowed him to grow strong and draw others to his side until, the legend of AB became the god of false witness.

In the final Shambolic days of this once virtuous place in cybertropolis it became the fashion for the last remaining contributors to nonce upon the otters who used to run wild and the final descent into the fire walls and paid subscriptions began.

Oh from where will a saviour rise to save these fine boards?

Length: about 12 years

TL:DR - that's what fucked it for everyone

This is the word of the boards, praise be to mods.

Cheers.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Wed 11 Jun 2014, 14:35, 40 replies)

Dear Twitter, #setofwankers
It has come to my attention that you have let those bastards from B3ta join your social network. I am sure I speak for all Twittards that B3tards are not welcome here. #killthemall #justinbeiber #getridofthem
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 11 Jun 2014, 13:43, 7 replies)

Dear B3ta
When will you "finally join Twitter" ?

Sick of asking to be honest.
(Andrew Avetoom, Wed 11 Jun 2014, 12:58, 16 replies)

anybody fancy a fight and/or fuck?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 11 Jun 2014, 10:07, 20 replies)

I'm pretty sure that people on the internet give a shit about my opinions.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 11 Jun 2014, 9:49, 2 replies)

18 years old an with no idea what to do with my life, I took a series of short-lived temp jobs
One of them was at a warehouse where the job was to put pens into blister packs and seal them. Next time you're in a stationers, have a look at the Uniball/Mitsubishi Pencils pens and notice how they are all turned facing forward in the packs so that the barcodes are hidden. That is done by hand by some dull-minded bastards in Worcester.

Anyway, one of the girls who worked there was especially challenged, and the other women there used to tell her tall tales to check her gullibility.

One that I remember was that they told her that Tesco had started selling reusable teabags, and sure enough the next day the thick girl came in saying that her mum had bought some and they were quite nice.

The most ridiculous was that they told her that a Japanese spider had been spotted down the back of the warehouse, and that it had obviously come in with some of the pens, being as they were from Japan. The way that they knew it was a Japanese spider was that it had slitty eyes.

After several days being afraid to go down the back of the warehouse, she eventually reported back that she had spotted the spider, and that it did indeed have slitty eyes.
(Eukanuba, Tue 10 Jun 2014, 22:47, 3 replies)

HIYA!

(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Tue 10 Jun 2014, 21:45, 3 replies)

Bum 'ole
Working in the local chippy our manager - a toughened, bawdy woman from North London - proved quite the fantasist. Not imaginative enough to come up with her own bullshit, she just reacted to any story or urban legend that she either knew the tale already, or knew somebody more remarkable.
Naturally, this led to us testing the waters to see how far she'd go, culminating in the following exchange:

Coworker: "I read in the paper yesterday about somebody who doesn't have a bum hole"
Manager: "My niece doesn't 'ave a bum'ole!"
(JennaTaylor is gleaming like a well oiled Danny DeVito, Tue 10 Jun 2014, 20:38, 4 replies)

(Eukanuba, Tue 10 Jun 2014, 18:01, 5 replies)

Second Life
I used to spend a considerable amount of time logged into Second Life, the video game. It used to be possible to earn real money with 3d building, land buying or animation and that was the only reason that kept me going back,(no no, I'm not the fantasist!). By it's very nature it attracts people wanting to escape their real lifes. The weirdest fantasists would be the million dollar earners who were jet setting from one country to another and also spending 100 hours a week logged into Second Life. I left there before I lost all faith in humanity.
(maggied Riding the Gravy Train on, Tue 10 Jun 2014, 8:46, 15 replies)

i thought i saw a blimp once
but it was just your mum
(heine is living in a recurring nightmare of jibberish, Tue 10 Jun 2014, 8:35, 1 reply)

Bottoms.

(Andrew Avetoom, Mon 9 Jun 2014, 22:49, 7 replies)

Some of you seem to be confusing fantasists with bullshitters
A bullshitter lies and exaggerates about their experiences to try and impress people. It's dishonest and deliberate.

A fantasist becomes genuinely convinced that they've had the experiences they're telling people about. Either because they're very confused, they have a limited grip on reality, or they are so desperately unhappy with their day-to-day life, that they retreat into their own head.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Mon 9 Jun 2014, 19:54, 31 replies)