Come on folks, it's not that hard
People on £40+k per annum don't need chid benefit and never HAVE needed child benefit. The wank-pot that was the last Labour Government should have removed this 'benefit' from the higher paid when they had the chance. End of (as they say).

Now the argument is about "It's not FAIR! If there are two parents working and they both earn just under £40k, then they still get it, but if I'm on £45k and my wife doesn't work then I'll lose it. Boo Hoo."

My question is: why the fuck can't the Government work out how much a FAMILY earns and stop giving child benefit to any FAMILY that earns over £40k??

Everyone's happy then, right?

I have to admit some bitterness here; as a couple, we've never earned anything approaching the higher tax threshold. While Sprog Grimsdale was growing up, we were variously: both mature students, both working at low paid jobs, one of us working, one self-employed etc etc. We were never on benefits, but had Tax Credits for a while, which were unaccountably then clawed back from us over a year or so.

I have no idea how it's OK for people on benefits to take home as much as someone on the average income! Why can't they take home the same as someone on the bottom 10 percentile??

Grrr. I get more Daily Mail every year, but only because Society is a pile of putrid, pink, pestilential pants.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:02, 78 replies)

Smart phone batteries
People who complain that their smart phone battery only lasts for a mere eight hours, when they've spent all day on Facebook, checking emails, listening to music, taking photos, watching Youtube videos, texting AND making calls.

"My first phone lasted four days before needing a charge", they bleat.

Well why don't you keep a phone that just does text and calls then?

Most smart phones have the processing power of a 6 year old laptop, who's battery would last little over two hours.

It's amazing people don't realise that using a battery operated device for a long time will drain the battery. Good lord!
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:00, 3 replies)

People who ignore chips in their windscreen and then one day - crack!
Then they complain about having to pay the excess to have their windscreen replaced.
If they'd repaired the chip it's usually covered by their insurance and it can be repaired at their work.

Gavin, 23, technician for Autoglass.

Autoglass repair, autoglass replace.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 7:54, 16 replies)

I've got a split personality. How am I supposed to afford to support two people on one persons JSA?
I don't know?

Well neither do I!?

Don't look at me, that's your problem!
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 6:48, 1 reply)

THE SHIFT KEY ON MY KEYBOARD KEEPS GETTING STUCK>

( PMGT -Bacon., Tue 6 Mar 2012, 2:40, Reply)

My daft sister-in-law,
diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. "That dietician, she caused all the trouble, told me to cut out sweets and that gave me such a craving..."
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 0:04, Reply)

The only Free car parking space where i can stay more than 3 hours is like a 20 minute walk from work,
So now I have to figure out if it is better time wise to go move the car two or 3 times a day or take 2 long walks. I have to factor in walking time, shoe wear, tyre wear, clutch wear, petrol, oil, all sorts of fucking things. Fuck.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 22:53, 14 replies)

"I only eat organic, you can taste the difference you know"
Oh shut up, you pretentious, misguided, self deluded knit-your-own-wholewheat-pasta fucks.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 22:46, 8 replies)

I asked Siri what the weather was going to be like tomorrow in Warwick.
It gave me the weather for Warwick, Rhode Island.

I didn't want THAT
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 22:42, 1 reply)

I'm afraid it isn't working.
None of your first world problems/stories of sheer single-minded self-pity are getting my goat.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 22:22, 3 replies)

This one goes both ways.
Ever get fed up with someone else's offspring making noise? Ever get fed up of people complaining about your offspring making noise?
Well how about some of you fuckers finding a middle ground?
So, if you're of the 'waaah, someone's child was present in the same square kilometer of my sainted existence, my life is ruined!', then perhaps do a little more observation and thinking. If the parent is making a clear effort to try and abate the noise, then cut them some slack, eh? You intolerent fuck.
Conversely, if your child is making a lot of noise and you're doing nothing about it, then at least make the fucking effort. The number of people I see leaving a crying baby in a pram while they witter on the phone about some inconsequential nonsense or chat with their friends makes my piss boil. Pick the fucking thing up and at least try to calm it down.

On that note, the person who wrote that ucking book where you run a baby to a strict schedule, regardless of what it actually needs at any given time, needs remodelling with a crowbar. "Oh, I can't give her a feed as my book says that she's not allowed for another twenty minutes." Don't be a fucking moron.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 5 Mar 2012, 21:55, 15 replies)

The mechanism on my toaster is faulty...
and it won't hold the toast down automatically at first. I have to slide my bread down and hold it there for about 20 seconds before it will actually stay down without me holding it. I spend most of the time while I'm waiting calculating how much time I'd waste over a given year holding the toaster down when it should do it for itself. Then I realise I'm needlessly scorching both sides of an over-processed slice of carbohydrates, while some people in the world have nothing. I feel bad for a second, but then I think about how much I fucking love Bovril.

Also, my kettle was leaking, but I've now replaced it. However, the lever to switch it on flips in the opposite direction to my old one, and I still haven't gotten used to it.
( guffguff fuckes your gradeds balls!, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 21:13, 10 replies)

Vast Prosperity
Is the problem. A lack of gratitude is the biggest problem.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 20:09, 1 reply)

Impatience
as a result of unacknowledged boredom.

Solution?

Think.
(roysin, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 16:25, 3 replies)

What is it with prostitutes as well?
Always fucking moaning.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:47, 6 replies)

On the tube, this morning,
I was getting some serious tongue action from my girl.
Would have been great, but some weasel was doing a sudoku puzzle. Scritch, scritch, scritch went his pen on the paper - holy fuck, it was annoying!
On the plus side, my sister-in-law is joining us for a threesome, this evening, so that ought to take my mind off things.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:00, 7 replies)

Some people have no sense of self-preservation whatsoever
I'm getting the tube into work this morning, it's 8:35 or thereabouts, and I'm joined in my carriage by a couple. A couple who think nothing of kissing each other in a crowded tube carriage as many times as they want. So inbetween Archway and Camden Town, the kiss each other about 200 times. It's like punctuation: one will say something, then they'll kiss. Then the other will say something, then they'll kiss. Then they'll kiss just to make sure, each one a big, noisy smacker.

Do these people not realise that a mere half-metre away, there is a man who is ready to take the pen from his Sudoku and ram it through their stupid fucking kissing faces? I mean, even if they had just got married that instant, there wouldn't be just cause for that sort of public display of affection. Even if she'd just let him sleep with her sister, I'd still think he was overdoing it.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:54, 12 replies)

I see badly behaved children and I think..just give it a smack already...
But nooo! The PC brigade has outlawed that as if it's some sort of heinous crime. Back in my day you respected your elders and if you didn't you'd get a swift clip around the earhole. In school we'd get 6 of the best and it was totally acceptable to do this as it built "character". Now days you send the little scrote home with a note and spot of detention. Both of which are about as effective as a motorbike with a sunroof. Society is becoming soft on children and they're leaving Uni with a media degree thinking the world owes them a favour because they had it tough.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:01, 49 replies)

My Car
The remote control on my car has a really annoying 'security feature' you click it once and it only unlocks dead bolts (whatever they are) you have to click it again to actually unlock it...and even then it will only unlock the driver door it takes a third click to unlock all the other doors.

Every single time I forget and stand there like an idiot trying to pull open a locked door it drives me mad.
(zaidin, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:23, 9 replies)

People who whine
when they're on their 8 hour flight to Orlando that they got sat 'right behind the row of babies'.

Here's a thought. You're cramped into 2 square feet of upright seat, fed what appears to be the contents of the septic tank, have 4 pratt and whitney jet engines about 15' from your head, and have 200 people a hour barging past you to get to the bog - maybe you wouldn't have slept very well anyway.

Me, on the other hand, I'm not going to give up travelling for 3 years* just so you can have 10% less noise on your flight. If you don't like it, I suggest you pony up 4 grand for a first class ticket.

300 quid for a pair of Bose QC3's would do the trick too.

*In fact my kids were born in 2 different countries. Every time we fly, one of them is 'going home', so double fuck you.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:18, 75 replies)

My Mother
who is retired, was complaining to me on the phone last night that her and my Dad are due to go on holiday to South East Asia for three weeks, starting next week, but she doesn't really feel like she's had a proper break as she only got back from five weeks in Tenerife a fortnight ago.

Apparently she can't even find the motivation to start packing.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 11:40, 8 replies)

Screen covers
Is there a more stressfull situation then having too fit a protective screen cover on your new smart phone? Making sure the screen is fully clean, lining it up, avoiding air bubbles. It's a nightmare! I bought a pack of 3 and couldn't fit one properly so bought a pack of 10. First one went on perfect.

People in the third world will never know this frustration. In a way I envy them.
(Mong goose, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 11:27, 3 replies)

Another letter to the paper*:
"I think it's selfish that commuters travelling alone use the seats with tables for their laptops. Four people who don't know each other could all sit somewhere else and me and husband could sit their with our children. These people treat public transport like an extension of their office and it's not'.


No, it's not. And it's not an extension of your fucking living room either, take your children and fuck off to an off peak train if you want a table, otherwise shut the fuck up and deal with it like the rest of us.



*paraphrased, but as seen in The Evening Standard last year.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 10:18, 25 replies)

Whenever bad cycling is raised, such as red-light jumping or riding on the pavement
The invariable response from cyclists is "But car drivers behave badly!"

It's as if they think such self-pity justifies such behaviour.

You may now call the irony police for QOTW - it's a fair cop and I won't object.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 10:18, 8 replies)

I overheard this conversation a couple of years ago...
(Yeah, topical. Still, I'll plough on.)

Pig's Arse #1: Well, we used to go to South Africa for our holidays, but since the blacks got the vote it's gone downhill.
Pig's Arse #2: Yeah, it was much better for tourists in the old days.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 9:48, 5 replies)

Fortnightly bin collections
Seriously, why do people get so het up about their bins only getting collected every other week?

There are three of us in our house (well, two and a half, my daughter will be one on the day this QOTW closes) and I only need to put our wheelie bin out once every 3-4 weeks. Hpw much shit are you buying and throwing away that necessitates your bin being eptied every week? It's not like I'm some beardy-weirdy, yoghurt-weaving recycle-psycho, we just don't seem to generate that much waste.

And what makes it worse is asome fat, ugly prick in government is going to spend a quarter of a billion pounds on "eradicating" ortnightly bin collections, like they're some horrible disease or criminal gang or, y'know, actual problem.
(ScousersPet, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 9:27, 34 replies)

Self pitying drivers.
You know what might be a good idea? Instead of moaning to all and sundry and writing letters to the local papers everytime you get caught out by a speed camera or get a parking ticket for parking outside the designated parking bay, perhaps try not speeding and park inside the fucking lines. You utter cunts.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 9:07, 32 replies)

Misplaced apostrophes.
Really grinds my gears. Misusers should be exterminated.
(Avnas dosh!, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 9:04, 5 replies)