People who whine
when they're on their 8 hour flight to Orlando that they got sat 'right behind the row of babies'.

Here's a thought. You're cramped into 2 square feet of upright seat, fed what appears to be the contents of the septic tank, have 4 pratt and whitney jet engines about 15' from your head, and have 200 people a hour barging past you to get to the bog - maybe you wouldn't have slept very well anyway.

Me, on the other hand, I'm not going to give up travelling for 3 years* just so you can have 10% less noise on your flight. If you don't like it, I suggest you pony up 4 grand for a first class ticket.

300 quid for a pair of Bose QC3's would do the trick too.

*In fact my kids were born in 2 different countries. Every time we fly, one of them is 'going home', so double fuck you.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:18, 75 replies)

It works both ways though.
You, unfortunately, have every right to take your children on a flight. I, however,have every right not to give you one iota of extra consideration just because you do.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:20, closed)

What consideration
would that be?
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:21, closed)

I don't know, I've never bothered to give it.
and I'm not really referring to you personally, just the general point that people do seem to expect extra consideration for their children. Otherwise why would the hit me in the shins with their push chairs but not dream of just walking up to me and kicking me in the shins if they didn't have one?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:24, closed)

Yeah,
I guessed you were just making up some nebulous 'me too' response.

OK, so here's the deal. I won't ask you to change a nappy for me, you don't need to whine about me taking my kids on an aeroplane.

As for the pram, that's solved, they take them off you as you board.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:29, closed)

You know, my work day is clearly not keeping me busy enough when I am arguing about you taking your kids on an imaginary flight that I am also on.
Knock yourself out, take your kids on your imaginary flight. On mine they all get locked in a room at the back with one ancient, hairy lipped Matron feeding them gruel from a cauldron while I sit up front getting a shoulder massage by a large chested woman with loose morals.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:36, closed)

Yeah, our little
spats aren't very satisfying today.

That bit about the hairy matron and the gruel - that's Easyjet, right?
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:41, closed)

No, it's RyanAir
Christ you can't even get that right...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:47, closed)

You're both being ridiculous
Gruel is an extra on both Easyjet and Ryanair.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:13, closed)

Don't want to get hit in the shins?
Easy answer: Get out of the fuckng way!

That's the only thing I miss about having a buggy, particularly in the supermarket. It's not the same with a trolley.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:57, closed)

Because it is harder to make it look like an accident when you walk up someone and kick them in the shins.
Admit it - you would bash the shins of annoying people in your way if you could get away with it.
It has little to do with extra consideration for those with children and more to do with consideration for all others.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:03, closed)

You're all getting it wrong
Much more fun/effective to get the back of the ankles - has the effect of a 'tap tackle' for half the effort.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:26, closed)

A child in a pushchair can easily be trained to kick people too.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:38, closed)

See! This confirms everything I ever suspected.
If you can train one of those things to kick people, you can train them not be utter cunts.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:57, closed)

I have - my eldest is quite the lovely, polite, well-behaved young man.
My two month old baby does cry though.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:02, closed)

I'm still an utter cunt, mind.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:05, closed)

What you are forgetting here, and it's OK, I understand.
Is that I am never, under any circumstances, in anybody elses way. Everybody else is in my way.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:28, closed)

Everytime you move,
the earth's orbit is altered. You might think it's because your the centre of the universe - I just think you're a fat cunt.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:37, closed)

Like people with this 'child on board' signs.
Who invariably drive like absolute cunts.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:24, closed)

Actually, I probably wouldn't bother too much with that whole 'Women and children first' thing either...

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:25, closed)

Me neither.
by the time it's of any importance on an aircraft, you're probably fucked anyway.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:30, closed)

I was just thinking I want first go on the slide.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:33, closed)

I had a £3200 first class ticket from London to Johannesburg
back in 2004. I had a nice bed for the 11 hour sleep. Unfortunately, the woman in the bed in front had brought her baby on the flight which pretty much cried for the entire 11 hour flight.

So paying for first class (or getting someone else to pay in my case) doesn't always work.
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:32, closed)

That really is bad luck
and I'd fully support your request to have it locked in a cupboard.

But I can only raise you a 'buy a learjet', and I'm then starting to sound petulant.

I'm sure I posted this here already, but I once had a woman who had sneaked into Club from the economy section with a howling baby thrown out . . .
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:40, closed)

I don't really mind kids on flights
...just as long as their relatively quiet, respectful and not kicking the back of people's seats.
If they are screaming for attention, and kicking the aforementioned seats they they should be fucking locked up - there's no excuses for piss-poor parenting, especially in a confined public space which people pay a premium for.
(dchurch bah, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:59, closed)

This is the thing, isn't it?
Babies cry, OK, I get that. But if you can't shut your fucking 8 year old up and stop it acting like a twat, then you shouldn't be on the fucking flight.

I think that anyone that wants to fly with children should be made to go through an exact simulation of check in, flight, security, the works. If their children play up, then they aren't allowed on the real flight.

It works for astronauts...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:12, closed)

i'm not talking about
8 year olds, I'm talking about babies.

People seem much more tolerant of badly behaved kids than badly behaved babies, which to me makes no sense. A kicking 8 year old is a monumental pain, but you don't hear people saying they shouldn't be on a plane.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:31, closed)

You do if you are in conversation with me,
I think we've had crossed wires all along. As I said, Babies cry, I get it. Personally i'd ban them outright but I do at least realise that is neither practical or probably even legal, so I'll have to accept it. At least until I am Holy Supreme Ruler Of The Way Things Are Done. But if you have a child that should know better and doesn't and you don't do something about it, then you should have your passport taken away*.

*Again, probably neither practical or legal, but there you go.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:35, closed)

Yep.

( PMGT -Bacon., Tue 6 Mar 2012, 2:44, closed)

Taking a baby on a plane isn't such a brilliant idea.
In fact it's pretty cruel. The reason they scream is that their eustachian tubes are much narrower, making it much harder for them to equalise the pressure between the cabin and their middle ear so it's extremely painful for them. It's scary too 'cos you can't explain to them what's happening.
Taking babies to foreign countries isn't advisable either. Healthcare can be harder to access if they become unwell and they're much more vulnerable to gastroenteritis than adults, rapidly becoming dehydrated.
Overall I would suggest waiting 'til children are toddlers before flying them anywhere.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:40, closed)

The ear argument is rubbish.
You just give them a bottle, and they're fine.

I'd be interested to hear how you're going to explain to my mother that she can't see her new grandchild for 2 years, because he might get the shits though.

Forget it, people travel, people have babies. Therefore, babies travel.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:52, closed)

Put her on the phone and I'll tell her
"It has been decided that, as a fully grown human being, in control of all bodily functions and able to sit still for an extended period of time without screaming at the top of your lungs that, if you wish to see your Grandchild, you can get on the fucking plane instead".
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:54, closed)

I'm slowly losing
this argument.

Chip chip chip. Fuckers.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:57, closed)

She probably wouldn't bother. It's a baby, I'm sure she's seen hundreds of them.
Unless it's got some spectacularly impressive birth defect she's not missing out on much.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:11, closed)

Tempting to make
a thalidomide joke here, but I shan't.

Oh, wait . .
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:16, closed)

Oooooh
Right on topic, with a first world problem.
(ubergeekian, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 17:36, closed)

If I become a multi-billionaire
I'm going to set up "Smokers' Airlines" where you can't even get a seat if you're not puffing of a cancer stick. Its main feature will be that you can get a flight and there won't be any fucking kids on it.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:07, closed)

While I'm at it, 10% less noise?
The last time I flew back from the States, having visited relatives in Canadialand, I got stuck in front of some fucking little brat that stayed awake for 9 hours of the 10-hour flight, during which it spent the time kicking my chair and asking its mummy stupid fucking questions. I took two sleeping pills and as many beers as the attendants would give me but I still didn't get any fucking sleep.

Honestly, fuck you and fuck your stupid fucking children as well.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:08, closed)

Yes, pretty much.
When you consider you've got jet engines, a 500mph wind going past the hull, 475 people, an auxilairy power unit and a large air conditioning system all going at the same time, a baby is nowhere near the only thing you can hear.

It is, I will grant, the most annoying one.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:11, closed)

You replied in the middle of my edit, during which my blood pressure levels rose and rose
but seriously, I can sleep anywhere, unless there's a fucking little bastard kicking my chair
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:12, closed)

Yeah, that was a bit confusing . . .
I was talking specifically about babies though, who seem to produce a fair bit of ire, and only noise related.

Agree, a parent letting their child kick the seat in front is really not doing their job. That would be infuriating.

Having said that, last time I flew on Virgin, the 20 something girl behind me got all upset when I pushed my seat back. She called the stewardess to complain, and was of course told not to be stupid. She then spent the whole night kicking my seat, and had it not been for the fact she had 2 or 3 very large looking blokes in her party, would have eventually got a slap round the head . . .
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:19, closed)

We're scarily similar.
No wonder we fight...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:21, closed)

Push your seat back into my legs
And you will get one of my knees forced repeatedly and forcefully into the small of your back.
(ubergeekian, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 17:37, closed)

I just hold the seat back and watch them try a few times.
So far, not one person has turned around to see what the fuck I'm doing.
I suspect it's because everyone is really aware that there's no fucking room to recline your seat unless the person behind had no legs.
Being a long legged type I suffer pain for any flight longer than about 2 hours, there just isn't enough legroom and I'm fucked if someone is going to make it worse.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 22:39, closed)

Last time someone tried it on me
was on a flight from Basel to Heathrow. Swiss weren't over generous with their legroom to start with, and as I'm 6'4" I was pretty tightly wedged. The woman in front tried to recline and couldn't because my legs were in the way. I wasn't being particularly obstructive, just unable to move to give the room she wanted.

She must have known that it was a human in the way, so she pressed the release and hurled herself back into the seat, moving it back a few inches. Instantly I screamed AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH. MY KNEES!!!! at the top of my voice. Nobody does this on a plane. Ever.

After she recovered, seat once again fully forward, I don't think she dared breathe for the rest of the trip. I didn't care.
(ubergeekian, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 22:58, closed)

Heh,
thing is I wouldn't dream of putting my seat back because it's horrible for the person behind and rather foolishly I assume that other people are similarly considerate. They are not, most people are trapped in a tiny bubble of their own concerns barely able to recognise that there are others with needs around them too.

I am not a sociopath yet, but it's not because people have convinced me not to be.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 1:05, closed)

It really is not the most annoying.
Very annoying, hell yes, I appreciate that (i have two and though generally I consider myself quite lucky that they are on the low maintenance side of the scales they can still be irritants) but I have sat on flights across the Atlantic wedged in my chair by my seat neighbour the world's sweateiest and most obese Floridian as his body tried its best to ooze into my paid for space; I have had to listen to the braying nasal whine of a family of almost comedically stereotypical New York Jews (at least three generations worth) who hadn't had the presence of mind to book seats near each other so used a form of loud screeching shuttle run chair swap to pass information back and forth across the cabin; hen do attendees explaining in unsuitably loud voices the sort of sexual practices that some adults but I would imagine pretty much all kids are unfamiliar with and how they wish to incorporate these into their holiday. In my experience it isn't that kids are fuckers it is more that people are fuckers and some of them happen to be kids/babies.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:29, closed)

^ This.
And lots of it.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 16:06, closed)

Couldn't agree more!
I've been on flights where the children have been nice and quiet and some of the adults complete and utter wankstains. I find a bit of noise from a child a lot less irritating and threatening than some dickhead who can't handle his drink for example, and I've never heard a toddler argue with a flight attendant when the couldn't get their choice of meal. As you say, it's people who are the problem, it's just some of them are small...
(FiatPanda, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 17:41, closed)

Well said...
On a flight from Paris once the guy sitting next to me twisted a bit in his seat, rested his head on his girlfriend's shoulder, and put his legs in front of mine, like we were old lovers. Then looked mightily pissed off when I pushed them back in front of his own seat O_o
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 17:53, closed)

Aw, man!
You were in there.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 19:36, closed)

I know, right?
I was on the way back from my honeymoon though, what can you do?

*shrugs shoulders*
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 13:33, closed)

Hahahahah.
Blimey, I thought I'd got irritaed, but I bow to you, sir.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:13, closed)

"Fuck you and fuck your stupid fucking children as well."
Could someone put this on a t-shirt, please?
(CheeseyPeas, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:28, closed)

No, I believe it is
fuck YOU.

The best bit is, my screaming baby, who is keeping you up all night cost exactly zero to get on the plane.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:32, closed)

Ahaha, you want to tell everyone you fuck children!

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 5 Mar 2012, 22:01, closed)

People with young children should be made to travel by sea.
This will give them plenty of time to think about what they've done.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:35, closed)

Actually, people with young children should be put to sea
and not allowed back until the children are capable of being contributing members of society. That'll test people's desire to have families.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:37, closed)

You'd better get your
lifejacket on then.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:39, closed)

Did you watch Waterworld,
and think, "hmm, that looks good"?
Admit it, you're fantasising about being Kevin Costner, aren't you?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:44, closed)

being
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:46, closed)

Always.
Whitney Houston would still be alive if I was.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:46, closed)

And I'd get to play baseball with my dead Dad.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:49, closed)

If people are complaining about your kids
it's probably got something to do with your lack of discipline. Refering to you other post.
(M61A1 CUPID- STUNTS, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:00, closed)

Who are you
talking to?

We're talking about babies. How would you discipline a crying baby?
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:06, closed)

Kick it in the cunt,
How would you do it?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:07, closed)

He hasn't got
one of those.

I'll just punch the guy complaining about it in the face instead.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:11, closed)

And you think starting a fight in front of your baby is setting a good example?

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:14, closed)

I'm 100%
alpha male. No harm in starting him early.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:15, closed)

To be fair, I just said I'd kick his baby in it's non existent cunt.
A punch in the face is the least I'd deserve. I doubt the baby will even notice. What with being to busy crying and being shit and pointless.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:17, closed)

BUt punching a baby is only likely to
increase the intensity of its screaming. It will definitely increase the intensiy of its faecal production.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 16:30, closed)

Tie it in a sack,
put it in the hold. Everyone is happy. Except the baby. But who gives a shit? It will be in the hold.
( PMGT -Bacon., Tue 6 Mar 2012, 2:47, closed)

I agree.
They really should introduce child-free flights.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 19:35, closed)

I'd love that.
Then all those whining cunts would be on the other plane.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 5 Mar 2012, 22:02, closed)

Everyone's happy.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 13:22, closed)

They even had child-free nativity plays and such like when I was at school, so parents didn't have whinging kids interrupting their other non-whinging kids as they pretended to be a wise man or Mary. If they can have child-free child themed events, surely they can have child-free air travel. If Ryanair can make you spend 50p to go for a wee, surely they can charge you 50 quid to guarentee you can be on an adult only flight? Perhaps with adult themed entertainment... Hoorah!
( Bathory, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 7:56, closed)