And that, kids, is why you shouldn't smoke pot
This is a moral lesson about what happens if you flirt forever and never try to make a move.

I had known this guy for about six months, and we seemed trapped in the "friend zone" where we would send each other texts/various online comments that were slightly sexual but in that way where if our advances were rejected we could just say "I was kidding! I don't actually want to pay you for sex! It was a joke, LOL, how about we forget it happened..."

He kept making these hints about how he loved redheads (yeah, I'm the sexy kind of redhead), and how he liked women with nice feet (fetish-quality feet over here) and so on, but he never grew a pair and tried to bang me.

One fateful night I decided to do that thing where you think about something a whole bunch until you totally blow up at a person instead of having a civilized conversation about what's bothering you. So I sent him a text at 1am: Were you ever planning on trying to fuck me, or what?

What I didn't know is that he had just gotten really high. Long story short, I spent the next two days trying to talk him off the ledge because I had so totally scared the shit out of him and he was paranoid that the question was some sort of trap.


Epilogue: sex.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 3:29, 4 replies)

Not flirting, but merely a drunken rant
They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Bullshit. Facebook raping is. The act of acquiring access to someone else's Facebook account and to write false statements about said person, be it through getting their password or more commonly through their laptop being unattended, or even worse leaving it logged on on a public computer. It is pointless, benign, derivative and, most importantly O VERDONE and tedious. The childish giggling that commences when so and so writes “Joe Bloggs like its up the bum” compels me to grab a screwdriver and repeatedly jam it into my ear over and over until I reach some gray matter that interferes with my speech and I start involuntarily yelling, 'MUSHY PEAS, MUSHY PEAS' until some poor sod feels sorry for me and smothers me with a pillow. For which I would be grateful because I wouldn't have to see that drivel any more.

It may well be a funny inside joke within a group of friends, and that's all very well, except it's on Facebook and my status feed is inundated with these pointless, tiring and shitty attempts at funny. People of the highest order of douchebaggery getting patted on the back by their peers after posting ' has got anal prolapse, what do I do omg! While the herd of people 'in' on the 'joke' click 'like'. That's another thing – this liking what someone has to say. Its not as if we go about shouting LIKE after someone has said something in real life,

A: Yeah i'm thinking of getting a tattoo.

B: LIKE!

A: Oh yeah, what sort, I'm thinking of a swastika on my arm?

B: LIKE!

A: Seriously?

B: LIKE!

A: What the matter with you?

B: LIKE!

A: Get the fuck out of my face.

B: LIKE!


Fuck you. Yeah you, the wanker who likes every single one of their BFF'S status.

“Mel cant wait to see my boyfriend John Giveafuck!”
clingy BFF likes this.
awwww you guys are so perfekt for each other! Love ya xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Mel can't believe I've been stood up like that”
clingy BFF likes this..
what's wrong babe?

“Mel fuck guys they always break you heart and never listen”
clingy BGG likes this
yeah fuck him, he's a dickhead, I've never liked him! Call me babe.

Anyway, I digress. The jolly muppey that is known as the 'prankster' who writes these TEEEHEEHEEHEEEEHHHAHAHAHAHAOMGROFL Facebook rape statuses will probably get the fistbumping of his/hers mates showering him or her with praise, “MATE, WHAT ARE YOU LIKE”, “YOU'RE SUCH A JOKER”, “L-E-G-E-N-D”. “LAAAADDD”

Now, I'm no psychologist, but remember in primary school when you fancied a girl and to show that you liked her, you avoided her, and if ever she came up to you, you'd be dickhead and destroy her daisy chain, or threw grass on her, or punched her? The equivalent of this is to facebook rape her account, only for her to find out it was you. An example conversation,

Girl: “why would you write that on my Facebook, you're such a knob, cant believe you did that *teary eyes* ”


Guy's inner monologue “she's upset, and vulnerable, OMG I HAVE TO TELL HER I LOVED HER. EVER SINCE SHE PASSED OUT THAT ONE NIGHT AT THE PARTY AND RESTED HER HEAD ON MY SHOULDER THAT'S WHEN I KNEW SHE WAS THE ONE I WOULD SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH. BE MINE! OH BE MINE!”

Guy: “ha, you got punked”

Girl: “but you changed my job to a prostitute! Is that what you think of me?”

Guy: “what I think is, you should go into the kitchen and make me a sandwich – (AAAAAAAAA LAD OMFG IM SUCH LADDDDD, AAAAAAAAH LADS ON TOUR!)

Girl: “crying, I cant believe this! And to think I fancied you! * runs away*”

And then you're just sitting on your own, having a wank and crying. Crying yourself to sleep. But using the tears as lubricant while you're tugging on your pathetic wilted member.

EDITORS NOTE: Ok, T'm pretty sure the first paragraph had a valid point, then I kinda went off on a tangent, but I'm pretty fucked. Spellcheck has saved me from incoherentness.
(pdawg, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 1:19, 17 replies)

Stuck up cow...
...I was flirting with a girl I met and I thought she was interested in me.
She then said to me "There's something I need to tell you. I've got MS".

Of course I lost interest in her straight away.

There's a Marks & Spencer where I live too, but you don't catch me bragging about it.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 1:16, Reply)

I dont know how to flirt
Or so i thought.
Apparently smiling back at some random guy who smiles at you is considered to be flirting.
Saying thank you to a guy who opens a door for you is considered to be flirting
Snorting with faux shock and then laughing when some guy makes a comment about my chest is considered to be flirting.
Well according to my friends who tell me I can flirt for England.
I'm not, I'm just being polite, and am always stunned when I'm then approached for further contact.
If I try to consciously flirt I fail abjectly, i just really dont know how to do it without turning beetroot red and cringing.
I'm probably the minger of the group when out with friends yet I'm the one who gets chatted up.
( and it does seem to confuse my friends :( )
It would seem that merely smiling at someone is considered a come on.
Or maybe guys think Im an easy option being the less attractive one of the party ;)

So far , smiling at a cop hasnt given me my desired results, aw poop
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 23:58, 1 reply)

Not actually flirting...
I know a chap who goes round all the girls asking them if they would like a shag. Its his opening line.
Mostly he gets told to fuck off or the odd slap. But he does eventually find someone who says yes.

His philosophy is why waste time flirting all night with someone when you don't know if you will get your end away when the lights come back up.
(Wize, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 20:08, 3 replies)

Girl, if there is any doubt in your mind as to what time it is,
let me break it down for you: It is time for you to get Smooved.

Aw, baby, I know that I had said some things that made you mad, but I am extremely sorry. If you just come on home, I will make it up to you. I will take you to new stratospheres of love. I will sex you wild.

To make up for all the foolish things I said, tomorrow night, I will escort you to my crib, where I will prepare for you a romantic meal comprised of succulent lobster from the finest sea. We will both eat the lobster and enjoy a side dish of rice with it. There will also be a baked potato waiting for you, and some butter for you to place upon that potato. In addition, there will be sour cream, which you may also put on the potato if you so desire.

I will also serve juice.

Then, when we have each finished eating our meals, I will lay your body down on a bedsheet comprised of 100 percent silk, which I will purchase in advance from the finest store in this city. Then, just before we freak, I will inquire as to how you like the feel of the sheets. If you inform me that you do not like it, I will travel to other cities around the world until I locate a store that sells sheets that are more to your satisfaction. Then, I will purchase those sheets and return home to put them on the bed for you.

It is then that I will hit you doggy-style.

While I am freaking you, I will whisper various things in your ear. Some of the phrases I will say to you are, "Baby, you are my everything," "You feel so good, I can't stand it," and, "Girl, ride me." There will also be candles and a CD featuring the music of Keith Sweat to create an atmosphere of unbridled romance, making you wet.

This is how you will get Smooved.

Just say the word, and we will share interplanetary cocoa love until the break of dawn. We will bump across the galaxy, exploring the known solar system with our passion. We will journey to places even the astronomers have never been. We will bump to Pluto, as well as to the moon.

When we are through with the lovemaking aspect of our romantic evening together, I will still continue to attend to your needs. If you wish a grape to be placed in your mouth, I will place one there. It does not matter whether you want a purple grape or a white grape, as I will supply myself with grapes of both colors.

If you would like to be massaged with scented oils, I will appear behind you and do so. I will make sure to rub your neck and shoulders lovingly, neither rubbing so hard as to be painful, nor so soft as to be ineffectual for massaging purposes.

Aw, girl, I want to throw you on the floor right now and ride you hard.

To summarize my feelings, I love you, and that fact is inscrutable. If you could only find it in your heart to forgive me for all the foolish things I did and said, we could take a magical voyage to Atlantis together, sailing on a caravan of love. Just say the word, and I will sting you. I will Smoove you.

All night long.

(from the Onion)
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 20:05, 5 replies)

Not me, but my friend who lives in London
He's the legendary one of the bunch: not up his own arse, just confident in the disarmingly simple ways that some guys can be.

He was walking along in central london, minding his own business when he notices someone walking along the same pavement in the same direction - almost exactly in step with him.

He looks across, and notices her. She, at the turning of his head spots him.

He smiles. She smiles.

He asks, "Hey, no idea if you do, but if you fancy a drink, want a coffee?" (gesticulating to one of the many coffee bars up ahead of them).

She starts blushing, but answers "Darnit, I'm late for a meeting as it is. Thanks a lot for asking though - was a really nice offer" She strides on, beaming happy smiles back at him, and he tails off to have a coffee anyway.

And that is how my mate R asked Claudia Schiffer out for a drink.

Guys, seriously, keep it simple.
( Claws of Doom I am no longer infected, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 19:24, 3 replies)

a very bad thing
When my number one son was in progress (delivery suite) Mrs Nurse was not the model patient. Me and the midwife spent hours comforting and soothing her. Towards the early morning Mrs Nurse nodded off, and I swear if circumstances were different, me and the midwife would have got to know each other a lot better. As it happens, we met later and confirmed my suspicions.
Length? about 16 hours!
(grumpynurse ,is playing minigolf on, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 19:10, Reply)

Down a local public paddling pool last summer
I was on me last month of sick-leave after having an operation on my ass (see me profile for that QOTW answer, hurt like a fucker). On the plus side I'd had the oppertunity to spend it with my 2 year old daughter, who was enjoying every single day.

This one particular day we were blessed with a mini-heatwave on a tuesday of all days, so I suggest we go down to this pool.

We arrive, and the missus decided to lay prone on some grass near the pool. Me and the midget take our shoes off, we stick her in a bather and hop in the pool. In the heat it was monstrous, but the pool was really cooling us down and absolutely fucking welcome.

We head over to the other side of this pool as the midget's spotted a water fountain. I waddle with her over to this spot where we were pretty much out of view from the missus. Nell was having fun though, so I kept a good eye on her.

We get to the fountain, where 3 bikini clad lovelies were relaxing, and one of them accidentally splashes me daughter. She smiles at us, then apologizes to me daughter. I say not a problem, and playfully have a quick flirt with her. Also, it allowed me to see her nipple-on; she had an immense rack :)

Which is when me daughter comes out with a blinder; "Me dad's bum is baddie....." They pissed themselves laughing, to which I could only shrug and say rather loudly "Ohhhh, lets paddle over there shall we" and waddled off, while they were laughing like fuck.

Me 2 year old daughter done me for fun. Bastard.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 18:52, Reply)

No really, go ahead
This one time i was skating in the park. I stopped to let a family cross the path, smiling and making the 'you first - go ahead' gesture with my hand. As his wife's back was turned the guy beemed a smile at me and winked. I swear, he looked as if he was contemplating chatting me up but decided that his wife might notice. Two small kids, one in pram. FFS
(bovine intervention, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 18:17, Reply)

Don't ask me why...
Some years ago now, I was idling around at work. The floor manager was absent and we were waiting for a relief manager to come and take the reins for the next couple of days. We were discussing who might turn up when Aphrodite herself walked in. She was achingly beautiful, never before had I seen such splendour in human form. She spent most of the day locked away in the little office, but I couldn't shake her from my mind, her image was burned into my eyes. I couldn't sleep that night, I was so obssesed. While she was with us I was a model employee, hoping, praying that it would catch her attention. On the last day she was working with us, the Gods smiled down on me and gave me a chance to interact with their carefully crafted creation. It was lunch and I sat at the table with her. She smiled radiantly and said "Hi!", and I stumbled a greeting of my own. She could see I was nervous and giggled a little. I gathered my wits to strike a conversation and began with, "So... what are you, like, 15?".

Just to add some context for you, she was in her mid to late twenties. She stopped eating, looking at me dumstruck, holding a sandwich in her mouth. She was clearly thinking "What the fuck?" I was thinking "What the fuck?" What, was I trying to compliment her? I have no fucking idea why I said it, or where it came from. After about 30 of the most painful seconds of my life, I excused myself to the bathroom and didn't leave for two hours. Even thinking about it now makes me want to be struck by lightning.
(God_of_the_mind, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 17:30, Reply)

Gagging while gagging.
I was 18 and a virgin, which is quite good by UK standards. Even though the alcohol had been flowing in for the last 2 years I had yet to taste the most probably foul juices of a damsel's quim, and boy was I horny for it.

One fateful evening I was about get me drink in at the bar in our local nightspot when I glance to my right and see a rather smart brunette looking back at me. I still had a bottle of Fosters Ice in me hand (or cheap lager piss as it's now called) and there was a small drop left in the bottle. I smile, turn to face the bar and swig back the rest of the lager in 1 gulp....only for me to cough midway and choke like a motherfucker. I almost drowned, lager came out of me nose and mouth as I turned purple, scrambling and coughing my lungs onto the bar.

I managed to steady myself, then turned around to the brunette and say "Fucking typical isn't it?". Thankfully she laughed like hell then introduced herself.

A few hours later we were banging away like good'uns. Good times, and yes I remember her name too :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 17:16, Reply)

"Hey, you know why they call you checkout girls?"
"Because I'm staring at your tits. Wait, no, I said it wrong. Because I'm stalking...I'll just go."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 15:57, Reply)

And speaking of checkout girls.....
at Christmas time there, I visited my local asda to pick up a bottle of Kahlua, being a new convert to dudeism as I was I fancied a white russian or two over the festive season. I never pay for alcohol at the self service checkouts as, despite being 32, I still often get asked for ID (although worryingly, not for a while). I waited in line at the checkout for a bit, then the lady in front of me noticed I only had a bottle of Kahlua on me and offered to let me go ahead.

As this lady had already loaded a massive pile of shopping onto the conveyor, I thought I'd better let the checkout girl know I was next. She was busy waiting for the previous customer to find her purse, and as she turned round I said "That lady says it's ok if I go next....."

"Naw!" she said, and giggled. That made me giggle. Nervously, I might add. She looked round at her customer who was now on the verge of sending a team of dogs in to her bag to find her long lost purse. She slanted a glance back at me and pulled a face, then stuck her tongue out at me and giggled.

While she was staring at this woman's gargantuan effort to find the mythical lost purse of legend, I unconsciously started smiling the biggest cheesy grin my face could manage, as I realised she was casually flirting with me. She turned and caught my grin, and returned it. There then followed a lot of sideways glances and smiling and giggling.

I paid for my Kahlua and walked off. It's just not like the movies in real life, is it?
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 15:08, Reply)

someone's actual chat up line ... though i did not actually understand when i first heard it
nowadays, its horrible to think about

"i'd like to touch your belly button ... from the inside"
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 14:58, 6 replies)

why are you so much like a parking ticket?
because you've got 'fine' written all over you.
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 14:56, Reply)

Everytime I fix a woman's computer over the phone
and she says something like "Wow, you're amazing!" or words to that effect, I immediately reply in a cheesey voice "All the women say that madame...".

Can't help it. I need treatment or something, just to rid me of this extra cheese.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 14:53, 2 replies)

i am a pro
on a night out, me and my (male) friend were watching a group of three girls. one of the girls was not attractive. one was pretty attractive. one of the girls was very attractive and her dress wasn't covering her bum. she had attracted a pack of vulture-like men who were watching her every move (or mostly her barely covered bum).

my friend had set his sights on her. 'what should i do radiatorlady?' he asked.

'go for her friend.' i said sagely '1) she's wearing more but she's just as attractive. 2) she's just spent all night watching her friend get hit on again and again so she's probably feeling jealous and 3) just one boy making a beeline for her (and not her friend) is going to flatter her a lot. there is, of course, the chance that she is taken but there is no point going for someone else who is distracted by so many other people.'

'good point.' he says and goes on to succeed.

i feel like a treacherous member of the female side of the species. but i think that's the first term he's managed to pull this year and he goes out twice a week. owch!
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 14:51, 1 reply)

I have, in the last few years years, become better at flirting.
I'm still hardly silver-tongued, but I can turn the odd cheeky phrase into giggles these days. I have also become more attuned to the subtle ways in which a lady will attempt to seduce a young, single chap such as myself.

Round these parts, the ladies are sophisticated. You have to have keen instincts and a well trained eye to spot when a young lady takes a shine to you in my neck of the woods. A fluttered eyelash, a tousling of hair, a giggle. All so easy to miss.

Take last year for example. All but the most experienced gentlemen would have missed what I believe could be the most subtle play for my attentions I have ever picked up on. Not me, however, master of the female mind and all it's intricacies as I am.

After an evening spent sipping only the most exquisite cheap lagers from my local pub, I decided to walk my cousin home before nipping home myself. We were followed by an enchanting young lady who appeared to have quaffed one too many sweet sherries. Perhaps it was the subtle way she kept banging into me. Perhaps it was the frequent, loud claims of not having had her hole in ages. Or perhaps it was when passing her house, her staring at me and saying "Aw well, I suppose I'm going home alone again then. My fanny must have cobwebs up it it's been that long since I got any." Yes, yes that was what gave the game away.

Not having my tickle stick on me, I decided to ensure my cousin got home safely and politely ignored the subtle yet tempting bait.

Nothing gets past me, you know.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 14:45, 1 reply)

when do you know you've got too big for your boots?
out with friend (and her boyfriend and a couple of others) when some guy comes up to me. this occasionally happens. i am not a complete troll. i was already with someone else so i politely sent him on his way and felt drunkenly smug. the smugness was not to last for long. my friend ran off. i found her on the steps of the club sobbing her heart out...

'whyyyyy diiiiiidn't heeee goooo fooooor meeee?'

'ang on, what's wrong with me?
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 14:43, 4 replies)

I know a young fellow
who has become rather adept in the ways of magic. He can't throw fireballs or levitate or anything, but he has a skill in card tricks that is usually only seen on television, and has completely stunned me on more than one occasion.

Although it is impressive, someone really should tell him that card tricks are just one of those weird things that, oddly, is not best used for flirting. Someone should also tell him that his usual flair for misdirection goes completely out the window after a night on the fighting-juice.

Seeing him approach a young lady, fumbling in his pocket and staring at her while mumbling incoherently is amusing, but not as amusing as the look of sheer relief when he whips out cards, and not his todger, from his pocket. I don't know how many backs of ladies heads he's slurred "pick a card" at, but it must be in the hundreds.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 14:32, Reply)

You want to know?
You want to know how useless I am at reading signs, and flirting in general?

Right.

I'm standing in a club, about four years ago. My mate is at the bar. Not wishing to appear odd, I whip out my phone and begin randomly texting people. Out of nowhere, my phone gets plucked from my fingers. I look up, and there's this beautiful (and I mean stultifyingly gorgeous) young lady looking at me with a quizzical look in her eye. She's got my phone.

"Sorry, texting's not allowed in here. No phones allowed." She smiled. I think it may have been the fact that not only was this lady out of my league, she was probably not from the same dimension as me, which made me for a brief second think that texting actually was not allowed. "You here on your own?" she asked. My brain caught on to the fact that she was not a club official in charge of stamping out phones as she sipped from her wine glass. Now I was confused. "Erm, no. My mate's over there" I stammered. She handed my phone back to me. "Awwwww. You're so shy" she said. She giggled and wandered off.

I can only assume that, in a quiet moment, she decided to play with one of the broken toys for a change. I still feel like a complete and utter loser after that encounter, and vow to buy every single one of Paul McKenna's books until the matter is sorted :P
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 14:24, 4 replies)

"Oh...from Canada?"
"You know, I've got these clubs and...uh...I know where there's a hole in the fence at Sea World."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 7:12, 3 replies)

Sexy Orphans
If I ever see that Tracy Beaker out, I'll go & flirt with her. Her tits have gone massive!
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 3:32, 5 replies)

Karaoke in my local tonight
So there's this Hen Party come over from Perth to live it up in my local, on Disco/Karaoke night... I'm up singing "I've got a feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas with the DJ, and 1/4 of the way in, one of the hen party comes up to me saying "you want dance?" I should ...point out that she was Asian, and speaking perfect Chingrish (I'm just setting the scene)...

Then she proceeds to snog me, biting my lip saying "You want dance, I make it worth your while". Meanwhile the DJ is pissing himself laughing and trying to pick up my part while I'm otherwise engaged. Then she realises I'm a dead end, and starts trying her wares on the DJ... who is married... who tells her in no uncertain terms "Look! Just FUCK OFF!".

I then spent the rest of the evening avoiding her while she tried her luck elsewhere.

It's the funniest thing that's happened to me in ages!...
( DavyBoyInGravyJoy Grey Goose Vodka on Ice, nothing finer, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 2:58, 2 replies)

Flirting...
Never been much good at it. Surprisingly I have a lot of attributes that women seem to want. Great sense of humor, big heart, romantic, remembers the little stuff. Sad thing is, I dont drink, and all my friends are currently married with kids. So whats a 38 year old to do? Sad isnt it?
(Subway Riding the rails underground, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 1:50, 2 replies)

It will happen
There is a really fit guy at work. The thing is, he is married with two kids. And I'm a bloke.

I flirt with him daily and he loves it. He is becoming much more flirtacious with me, even sending me emails that are suggestive, but not too suggestive that anything would happen.

he is hot and I so would, but won't. He's blatantly flirting with me, knowing that nothing would ever happen. The shit.

Someone made a jokey comment about me and his pants. I went beetroot and nearly vommed on the floor. Way to play it cool
(Eeevil You are losers, Sat 20 Feb 2010, 0:47, 8 replies)

Checkout Girl
The supermarket I've been visiting lately has a really fit checkout girl, who always smiles and chats with me (even to me while serving other customers). The thing is when she does, I completely lockup, I don't know what to say, if I should laugh or just give an appreciative nod and a smile.

Could be something to do with the fact I'm in France on business and speak only four words of French, she must think I'm a right pleb...
(metalhead41, Fri 19 Feb 2010, 23:10, 2 replies)