Oh, and another thing that
my mate Frank did. We were walking down Gloucester Road in Bristol and popped into Somerfield to get a sandwich. I got served first and waited outside for Frank. He came out clutching awkwardly at his sandwich, receipt and change, which he was trying to put back into his wallet. A couple of paces further on, a homeless guy asked us if we could spare any change and Frank said "No, Sorry" in a loud and friendly manner. Two steps later, his wallet burst open causing the most enormous sparkling shower of loose change to fly everywhere, all over the pavement in front of the homeless bloke. We picked up the staggeringly large amount of change which he'd spilt right under the poor guy's nose. To be fair to Frank, he did give the guy some change, and told him "God's obviously punishing me for something"
(PsychoticSock, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 23:47, Reply)

Me and my flatmates were down at the pub
and we fancied a go on the quiz machine, the one you can play "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" etc on. But we couldn't because there was this girl there playing on it non-stop. I remember us laughing at her (Norma-No-Mates jokes and such-like) and EVENTUALLY she went to the bar to get some change. We saw our chance and went to the machine and started playing. After about 1 game I could hear this persistent sniff coming from behind me. She was back, watching us play, being a bit too nosey if you ask me. She wasn't crying or anything. For the next few games, more and more sniffing. We decided to sod it and give her back her machine and went to leave. As we were walking out, I just couldn't help but start sniffing nice and loudly to mock her and was laughing to myself. I left the pub and started walking back to the flat. I then realised that I was on my own. I decided to carry on walking back home because we only live 40 seconds from the pub and I needed to relieve myself pretty badly. I was watching telly when five minutes later my flatmates returned. Apparently the girl's friends were at the bar having a drink and had heard my impressions. A burly bloke then informed us "It isn't funny, she's DEAF, ALRIGHT", leaving my friends feeling completely embarassed and unable to leave, only able to stand there looking sheepish and apologising for me...
(PsychoticSock, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 23:35, Reply)

When I was in my first year at University in Liverpool
I used to go fairly regularly to a RAWK club called the Krazy House. One Friday night, in something of a stupor, I was weaving my way through the bar and felt myself bump into someone. I turned around and saw a girl on the floor that I'd knocked over. Being a "perfect gentleman", I went to pick her up, whereupon she started screaming and shouting at me to put her back down again. Behind her, I could see a neatly folded up wheelchair. Looking down slowly, it became horrifyingly apparent to me that she didn't have any legs.

I placed her gently back on the ground very very carefully, and continued on my merry way. It wasn't until the next morning that it all came back to me, but fortunately my friends had seen it all and were more than happy to continually remind me of it for the next couple of years or so.
( 100% of Gibbon, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 23:34, Reply)

I went to see His Dark Materials
at the National theatre a few months back, it was great. But a couple of guys didn't get up when I tried to get to my seat (cos it was so sold out I was sitting seperatly from my dad) so I went past and heard them complaining. Then a lot of people in the theatre had these devices that I thought were for hard of hearing, but were saying the action, that were loud in tense moments. I was getting pretty annoyed at some of it, till I noticed how many people were being guided to the exits and realised it was a blind discount day (I'm sure there's a proper term for that...)

I was talking to my friend Heather online and she suddenly said to turn to BBC that second, someone was on who looked a bit like her mum (bear in mind I'd only seen her mum a few times) and had an American accent so I instantly asked if it was her parents. It was that Lois Theron program on the whorehouse. This was kind of a return for when I'd asked out a friend of ours (idiotically) and she'd said no, then another friend had asked her out later that day. The next day (the last in that school term) we were talking and I pointed out "Helena's got two guys going after her now! And niether of us are that great really..." she said "Awww, you're so honest..." She swears she meant to say modest, but you know :P
( Whillow, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 23:34, Reply)

my sister
was waiting to get in a lift at a tube station and the bloke in front of her was taking ages to get in the lift, and when he did, he was standing right at the front (with his back to her) so she couldn't get in.

She told him rather abruptly, "Could you move up please, some of us would like to get in the lift today!"

But then one of the other lift passengers said, "Don't be so rude, can't you see he's blind?"

My sister muttered a mumbled "sorry" and suffered a rather awkward and silence filled lift journey.

And who was that passenger? Simon, from TV's Trevor and Simon.

*FACT*
( fishsticks, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 23:15, Reply)

This is one my mum said while out shopping.
Just as she was finishing her shopping and made her way home, she got stopped by a Big Issue seller. Seeing that the guy only had 1 copy left in his hand, she agreed to buy and said "Oh that's your last one, you can go home now!".

Mum's are stupid.
(Beaston, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 23:06, Reply)

Just thought of another
My uncle gave me his car after he inherited one from his dad after he died. Like most people (i hope!) i named my car after what the letters on the numberplate spell out. I was telling my uncle about how pleased i was with 'Eddie' before i was reminded Eddie was his recently deceased fathers name.

Oh the shame.

I now call it frodo coz its a bugger to get moving.
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 23:06, Reply)

Which ones pregnant?
This is like what sombody has already posted.

When I was at school I had a teacher who was pregnant but i saw her very rarely. Once i was standing in the corridor alone and she came along and i was cheerfully asking her if she was ready for the baby etc etc. It wasnt until i saw the mixed look of confusion and hurt that i realised i got the wrong teacher! This one was just a bit 'tubby'!

I was also talking to a friend about how upset i was when i discovered who died in the latest harry potter....and she hadnt read up that far yet...i felt so bad!
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 23:03, Reply)

another one.
this is about 1995, i had a small red fiat 126, (704cc 26bhp) and was driving home from a pub at about 2am, (as you do) wasnt drunk, had had 2 pints of watered down bitter all night.
I had smoked some big cigars though (as you do).

i wanted to get home quick, so drove the little fiat, how I normal drive it, to within an inch of death. I turned into my street and parked up, got out and saw a police senator (3000cc 230bhp) come into my street at a perculiar angle at some speed.

Aparently they had been chasing me for the last 10 miles. (i used ot go about 24 miles to the pub, as it was a favorite, and could do it in 16-18 minutes which is damn impressive for a 126) they stopped angrily by the car, adn the driver got out, (the passenger police man was having trouble containing his laughter)

"Are you a rally driver?", he asked.

"Oh I drive like that all the time" was my answer.

after a good 10 minutes or so of conversation, the police officers we're alright about it, surprised by the way I could handle this patheticly small vvehicle, and the passenger told me all the expletives the driver had been using directed soley at the Senator.

So was all good, wasn't going to do anything, was dazzled I think by my cander.

then the question came.
"So where have you been?"

oh I've been to the pub all night" said I.

hmm, now thats putting your foot in it.

I passed the breathalizer though, and started to see the passenger cop at the same pub every now and then.

moral of the story is
"TELL THE TRUTH it confuses them"
(Angle Grinder, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:58, Reply)

Oh Christ, this one is simple
Me and a few friends were at a games convention (many moons ago). We were pretty drunk and we saw this guy wobbling from side to side (walking as if his legs were made of jelly). My friend turned round to the guy and said "Shit me mate, you look as pissed as us lot". Next day at the same said games convantion we saw the same guy and he was in a wheel chair, apparently he suffered from cerebral palsy. THe ground ate us then spat us out for being evil barstards.
(Wook13 Been away but is now ducking a fuck on, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:57, Reply)

Fuck.
Ok...

Well, I invented this super-hero called "Tracheotomy Man". He flies in to save the damsel in distress and then croaks at her. You get the picture.

One day, I waltzed into the pub, met my mates and told them all about it, excitedly. Little did I know the dad of one of the guys had just died of throat cancer, after an unsuccessful tracheotomy about 6 hours previously.

Oops.

Strange thing is, he was still mates with me, but several of the girls there never spoke to me again.
( stup0t, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:52, Reply)

At work
we had a lady accountant for 3 days... she then (for whatever reason) tried to kill herself with an overdose. When work found out, myself and one of the female staff went to collect her and take her to the hospital (the company was concerned about her).

On the way to the hospital, with the lady in the back, a bloke opened his car door in front of me and jumped out into my path... "ARE YOU BLOODY SUICIDAL" I shouted... before cringing and wanting to curl up into a ball.

She never came back to work
( GeordieSteve, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:48, Reply)

well...
i was at a train station with my mates, and someone saw a hat on the floor. I am well known for wearing hats and this someone said "Taki is that your hat?". I looked at it and it was a piece of tat. I replyed "My God i wouldnt wear such a discusting, discraceful piece of crap". The owner of the hat was standing behind me waiting for me to to move so that she could pick it up. Bollocks.
(YUM YUM YUM IS AWESOME AT BANDWIDTH, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:46, Reply)

I was at the driving range one day with a friend,
and his girlfriend turned up with her two immensely fat friends in tow. I made a comment that the uglier of the tag-alongs looked like a cartoon pig from a childhood book when she was propped against the side of one of the stalls. My biggest mistake was that I said it quite audibly to most of the people around and that she was holding a 7 iron at the time.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:45, Reply)

well
it was sometime mid june, in about 1992.
someone hit the back of my car (it was a crappy mini at the time but i thought it was made of solid gold) and we stopped and started giving insurance details etc, it was their fault, no question of that, trying to be as friendlya s possible the guy was chatty, and said how he was sorry, and he'd inconvienienced me and all that
and i said,
"Well, I was just going to get my CAR TAX....."
(Angle Grinder, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:44, Reply)

I was telling my stepmother about an episode of South Park I had just seen
where Cartman sits on the lap of a woman with Parkinson's like she's a vibrating chair, when her father had died of the same disease. I don't mind too much, though, because she's a hateful gold digging bitch.
(Kimbo, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:43, Reply)

I knew a guy once who suffered an accident.
he lost the bottom part of his leg and some of his fingers, burnt face, etc. he had an electric wheelchair bought for him and he scooted round to my house and the first thing my dad said was

"blimey that must have cost an arm and a leg"
(Jimmaw, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:43, Reply)

Every family wedding I attend,
I get old relatives coming over, doing the "You were yea high last time I saw you" routine and generally annoying me. They also have a habit of saying "It'll be you next" I then decided to reciprocate at a funeral. The facial expression took shock to a whole new level.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:41, Reply)

Long ago when I worked in an Off License
a group of old acquaintances came in, a group of people i hadn't seen for 3 or 4 years.

one girl was looking very obviously and heavily pregnant, so using it as a conversation-starter i congratulated her loudly on her bump and asked when it was due.

turns out she'd just got very, very fat since i'd last seen her. To say that the next few minutes while her friends chose wine were uncomfortable would be understating it rather...
( Reverend Dan, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:40, Reply)

Tricky situation.
My warehouse supervisor at Morrisons is cross-eyed, some sort of condition I don't care to know the name of. Two of us were standing together awaiting further instructions. When he gave them I asked who he was talking to since we were both holding an eye's eye contact each.

"You" he said...as if this made things clearer. I walked a couple of metres away from my mate and said, "ask us again." I wish I hadn't have done this...

Incidentally he was talking to me.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:39, Reply)

Similar to Beaston's
When me and my mates were younger, we used to use 'Your Mum's Dead', and it's various corollaries, as a catch-all 'shut-up' variant.

All fun and games, until someone's mum actually does die, and you've been saying the same thing for so long that you forget to watch out for it...
(ReLiC, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:39, Reply)

one time, whilst driving, oh so many years ago...
my dad got pulled over for speeding.
"but officer, i was only doing 50 miles an hour" to which the officer slowly turned around, outstretched his arm, and pointed to a 40 sign, right in front of us. craaaaziness. *woop woop* (that's the sound of the police)
(Heffer foiled, once again, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:39, Reply)

Petrol Station Blues
Using my bestest, most booming, impersonating God voice I told the two men in suits to;

"Obey the voice of God, Come to my little window/drawer thing"

Looking somewhat affronted, they stormed over and handed over their money. It was at this point I noticed their badges said "Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints" on them.

Ooops.
(Predatory Sock, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:38, Reply)

oops...
i managed to give my girlfriend the impression that i had never loved her and that i would be happier with her best friend (not the case).

Fucksocks.
(hingesII, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:38, Reply)

Living in Berlin I tend to meet a lot of arrogant types
I was out walking the other day and this bloke starts walking directly towards me. From past experience I am always the one to give way so I thought, "sod this, I'm not giving way this time" - and the battle of wills was on. He kept coming and I slammed right into him knocking off his hat.

It was only after I mouthed off at him I saw the armband and white stick...
( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:38, Reply)

I have a one-armed PE teacher
and one time I saw him struggling to carry a heavy box and asked if he needed a hand. He wasn't suitably impressed.
Whoops.
( Malchick, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:36, Reply)

I remember one Mothers Day a few years ago...
I was banging on about something to do with Mothers Day (how great it was or something...) to a mate of mine... who's mother had died not long before! I wondered why the whole room went silent. It wasn't til i got home that i realised what i'd said!
(Beaston, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:36, Reply)

footsocket
blargleblargleblargleblaargle
( 0800221155 Coldseal windows, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:35, Reply)

My friend is in a wheelchair
And we were on an night out and we got really drunk.

He asked my what he was like the next day, I told him he was "Paraletic"

Didn't go down well at all.
( karatesausage, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:34, Reply)