This other time...
Me and a few mates were wandering the streets one night and a few people started to lag behind. In an attempt to catch them up one of my friends shouts "Hey is there something wrong with your feet." And when he turns round theres a guy with deformed legs hobbling along just infront of us. We obviously vanished into a shop faster than shame would let us go.
( The Doctor Why is it big and why is there grass?, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 1:31, Reply)

Not Me, But My Mum....
When going out for a loverly romantic meal with girlfriend, we decide to meet at my house prior to leaving. Her mum who was dropping us at the train station was having a brief chat with my parents when the local ice-cream van pulls into our street (hooray).

On pulling up he rings a bell to signify his glorious presence to which, girlfriend's mum says "ooh we don't get that, he usually just plays the chimes down our end" (we live at separate ends of our wee "town")

Now the best bit....
Mum says in response to girlfriend's mum "Ah you see you must live down the posh chimes end, and we live down the rough bell-end".

Mum, get your coat! She's a great lass though. She also once asked my brother and I completely out of the blue "what's felching?". Needless to say she was shocked when we told her.
(Stevros, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 1:28, Reply)

Not one To say To Your Girlfriend's Mother...But I did!!!
When on the usual stop-off at my girlfriend's on the way home from uni I was showing off a birthday card I'd bought a friend. It was of the usual b&w photo with funny caption. Anyways onto the embarrasing bit....

I shows card to girlfriends mum as it's relatively tame, then for some reason I'll never know I, decide to describe in detail a card that says "if you try it with the left hand it feels like someone else is doing it". You can guess what it's in reference to. (Wan-king, for those of you who may never have batted your bishop)

I swear I actually heard my grave call me at the moment it occurred.
(Stevros, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 0:44, Reply)

Dave
Dave was the barman in our local for many years. Sadly, his six-year old daughter was killed by a hit and run driver outside his home.

On Dave's first day back at the pub he was going round collecting the empties. Picking up a discarded half-glass from our table he asked "Is this anyone's drink?"

"No, Dave. That one's dead". Dave walked off with tears in his eyes.

Swallow me up, ground.
(sad b'stard, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 0:35, Reply)

Boy, am I glad to still be alive . . .
I once asked a rather obese woman when the baby was due. She said she wasn't pregnant. Good thing that she had a good sense of humor.
(Embee90, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 0:26, Reply)

Last one a mere few hours ago...
My boss has tomorrow off. As I left the office, I wished him a good 'un.

Five minutes later and I remember; he's taken the day off to go to a funeral.
( dr goodthrust, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 23:51, Reply)

'twas but a few years ago
when I was a checkout operator at Morrisons. My current customer was a middle-aged woman and a group of three or four mentally disadvantaged people - yes, spackers.

Putting her products through the till, I was desperately trying to stop myself from bursting into laughter at one of them sort of pointing at the ceiling lights in wonder and going "Ooooo".

Anyway, I picked up a bag of parsnips - the ones where the checkout operator has to weigh them to get the correct price. Too busy concentrating on the pointing spack, I accidentally type in the product code for carrots instead, a more expensive item at the time.

Ever vigilant, the middle-aged woman (their carer) says "You've put those in as carrots, they're parsnips.".

I reply with "Oh, I'm terribly sorry.", taking the parsnips back from her to reweigh them.

It was then that I said what surely ranks as one of the worst things ever in my life. It just popped out.

"I don't suppose it matters really though, they're only vegetables."

I hasten to add that I did mean the parsnips. I wasn't being derogatory. She sort of gave me a scathing look and no more was said after that.
( GazChap, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 23:42, Reply)

Sorry, but i was fed up.
It was back in high school, and my mum had died two weeks previously, and been cremated. I had only just got back, and everyone was being really nice about it, not mentioning and so forth, but occaisionally people slipped up. I was just getting used to this, when one day we were all sitting in the library, discussing a mate's plans for a house party. He then ventured "i was hopin my parents would be away for the weekend, but it looks like they'll be here" "why not have the party anyway?" chips in someone. they then lead on to many jokes about how his mum would probably just get rat arsed and fall over. everyone started on this line with "I'd have to keep my mum in the kitchen, or she'd probably shout at us all for being drunk" and so on. this went round the table, and when it got to my end, one turned to me and said "what about you?" fed up with just looking sorrowful, i cracked and piped up "i'd probably have to leave her on the shelf in case someone knocked the urn over." everyone dropped their eyes in silence, except my mate mick who actually fell off his chair laughing. It never came up again.
(alchohol, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 23:28, Reply)

At the end of a meal, I borrowed £3 off a female friend
I won't see in a while. We were joking about interest on the money, and I jokingly said that she owned part of me now, and, in front of a group of friends, as well as the whole restaurant, said that i'd "give her a finger."


Only afterwards did I realise.

I used to have a serious crush on that girl, and was publicly rejected by her when I plucked up the courage to ask her out.

There goes my confidence again.
( Herr Tezcat, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 23:11, Reply)

Probably shouldn't even be here, but...
A few hours ago my mum and dad came home with the weekly shop. After they rang the doorbell I opened the door and yelled at them "I don't want any of your fucking bibles!"

Thankfully the kids next door weren't being supervised as they played in the driveway, not three meters away from my potty-mouth.
(ElectricMonk is falling awake on, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 23:10, Reply)

Not really what I said, more of what I did...
A couple of years ago, a friend and I were sitting alone in the school library, reading the newspapers, and he was sitting with one foot on his other knee.

So, me being me, I decided to take off his shoe, and throw it across the library... Just as a teacher walked past...

"Don't throw your shoes about, go pick it up", says I. Cue odd look from teacher...
(Fido Dido, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 23:07, Reply)

Oh, and another
I have the most evil maths teacher in the world. She's really bad, everybody hates her. Anyway, one day she goes out of the room to tell some people off in the corridor. I notice that she leaves her keys in the filing cabinet. I say very loudly to the class "We could lock her out, you know. Her keys are just there. We could do it, it's what she fucking deserves."

Predictably enough, she opened the door shortly after I started. Things have never been the same since.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 22:59, Reply)

Oh dear.
When I was going to work one day, there were 3 of us in a car going along the motorway, and every so often we'd pass a bored child being driven somewhere. Occasionally the bored child would make stupid faces at us, and being the merry fellows that we are, we'd respond with a similarly stupid face.
This was all well and good until we were behind one car with a kid gurning out the back at us - we started gurning back, and it was only after about 5 minutes of doing this that we realised that the kid actually had cerebral palsy. His parents looked shocked and appalled as we overtook them and disappeared quickly into the distance.
( magicbaboon, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 22:49, Reply)

swallow me, earth
I started a new job in a bar in a crappy local town. I was commenting to another barman about how all the guys round about seemed to be a bout 8 stone but had huge 15 stone wives. Yes, you can see where this is going can't you. Later that day this big woman arrived in and I said, god forgive me,
"Look at this beast! I bet her husbands about half the size of her."
"Actually, thats my wife you fuckwit."
He never spoke to me again and he was indeed about 8 stone, and I worked there for 5 MONTHS!

A few years ago my friend and I met the grieving parents of my recently deceased best friend at the airport. he had hung himself two days before. Despite all of us being in a very emotional state I managed to say the following while waiting for the bus out to the car park:
"Hope we don't have to hang about here all day, this cold is killing me"
I could hear myself saying these things but it was too late. My friend went crimson with horror, while the other two went stony faced, obviously shocked. I get shudders of horror still when I think of it. Even my friend hasn't mentioned it since...
(meatatarian!, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 22:46, Reply)

Ten years later, still cringeworthy....
A colleague of mine announced she was newly pregnant. As she worked in our office some 3,000 miles away, I sent her a card wishing her well. In that card, I wrote "I hope my congratulations aren't PREMATURE."

Why I did that, I have no idea. Needless to say, I never heard from her again.

I'm certain I've done far worse, but thankfully I have repressed the memories. Only way to stay sane, really.
(turtlewax, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 22:45, Reply)

Two:
One: I was hanging out with a bunch of girls and one of them said they had got off with this boy last week. I said "Was he a good shag?" Now apparently, where these girls come from making out is not shagging, but making out. I must have looked a right bugger.

Two: Today mine and my mate's black friend came to hang out with us. My mate whispered something to me in the corner and I went "STOP TELLING JOKES ABOUT BLACKS!". The look he got...
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 22:28, Reply)

The guy was asking for it...
It was really crewl but this guy was really pissing me off at school.
It all happened in the golden age of when the phrase "Your Mum!" was the ultimate bad ass thing to say to people. Anyway there was a bunch of us in the dining hall queue and this kid was being really annoying and kept barging us and calling us names. So I told him to "fucking stop!" and he said...
"Your mum!"
Now I new this kid's mum had died recently so it kind of doesn't count in this QOTW but still. Anyway I decided to reply
"At least I've got one!"
Everyone went silent. He started to cry. But at least it shut the little bugger up. Woo!
(I Want Billy, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 22:22, Reply)

I
was in the registry office and I said "I do"

'nuff said
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 22:13, Reply)

I once told my ladyfriend I loved her...
instead of saying 'will you sleep with me'
..it worked too, I got a shag :D
(lifelikeandposeable, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 22:11, Reply)

Hmm....
Talking to a rather damn fine blonde one day.
I ask a question, she mishears and asks 'whats that?' as in 'say again?'

So, i slowly explain the concept of the monarchy (why was i talking about the queen? i have no idea). Turns out shes rather intelligent. A* intelligent. And completely offended. Bugger.

Asking someone (No name) who the daddy was. He doesnt have a dad.

Calling someone a puffter, then remembering they ARE gay, and they get REALLY upset at that kinda thing.

Too numerous. Ask me in 15 mins when i can remember the better ones.
(Attention Whore, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 21:59, Reply)

I have always wanted to say...
'why, whats it to you?'. I was presented with this opportunity last year when some Ampleforth College lads gatecrashed our D of E campsite. They were pissing me off a lot so they asked me my name so i said 'why, whats it to you?' whilst secretley shitting my pants. Then, all of a sudden, another 10 lads appeared out of the shadows. Ooooops. I told them some bullshit about geordies. And they believed me. Wankers.
(javier, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 21:32, Reply)

Said to me, not by me...
I'd been off work for a couple of weeks after my mother died.

On my first day back my manager asked me to check something was working. I said "Yup, as far as I can tell."
He looked me squarely in the eye and said "Would you swear on your mother's grave?"

(Long silence)

/f
(Viewfinder, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 21:22, Reply)

Another one...
At another party full of strangers and distant aquaintances. So I'm chatting away to this lass who's a friend of a friend. Anyway, it's starting to die a little so I decide to throw out a conversational gambit. 'So, when's the baby due?' I ask brightly. "I'm not pregnant, just fat,' she replies deadpan. Imagine my embarrassment when a friend asks the girl exactly the same question half and hour later – making it look as though I've put him up to it.
(lookingglass, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 21:19, Reply)

We were having a curry one night
and as we got up to leave, it struck me as funny to say "You know, I've had it up to here with dwarves" and put my hand at hip level, my mate immediately slapped his hand on his forehead as I turned and noticed a table full of the vertically challenged buggers sat behind me.
(Higgy, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 20:20, Reply)

Bit of a Shit One
Was stood by the brandenburg gate in berlin, where east and west germany used to meet, with about 15 germans from 5-65 y.o. One guys mum is proudly showing off the gate and the long white gravel parade behind, which she explains is Germany's victory parade.
In my infinite wisdom i turn to the whole group smiling and say "Bet thats fucking useful!" Next 10 days before coming home were hell, i was living with them all too.
(squireyboy, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 20:19, Reply)

Job Interview.....
..I'd like to think, was not going too well and so subconsciously I had taken the decision to sabotage it anyway.
The interviewer,famous for dreadful grammar, kept saying in questions "I done this...". After about the fifth time I interrupted with "...it's actually I DID, not I done...".

I didn't get the job,and was described as 'arrogant'.
(mcnelson, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 20:11, Reply)

Never joke about people's children. Really.
Ok, so it was a colleague. After work, over a beer, a few of us were chatting about STD's and other things, as you do.

The conversation later turned to her two-year old son and his latest antics,
she told us how warm, loving and open he was and how he had developed
a habit of kissing people on the mouth.
Me, finding a tie-in, quipped "Well, you better teach him not to - can't be fun being the only one in the Infants with herpes".

Seems I was the only one who found that amusing. Oh well.
(nadir, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 20:10, Reply)

slightly similar to wbm's dead parents tale
i was round a friends house and there were some people there i knew vaguely. as i left, for some reason i said 'have a good mother's day' to the room (as the hallmark holiday was a couple of days away). immediately on saying this i realised one of the people there had lost their mother unexpectedly and at a fairly young young age only a few days previously.

many years ago when my sister was a toddler she was in the back seat of the car next to a rather hirsute female family friend. so she very loudly and clearly asked 'mummy, why does helen have a moustache?'

(edit) spookily wbm's alcoholic story has just reminded me that the other evening while having dinner i was banging on about this alcoholic twat who used to drink in a pub i worked at and what a cunt he was. it was some time before i remembered that my housemate's brother is a recovering alky.
( Spoon, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 19:36, Reply)

Grown into a proper young lady
My best 'foot-in-mouth' moment was probably when i was about 13. I hadn't seen my grandparents on my father's side since I was about 3 and we were visiting them for the first time, obviously it was very awkward, loads of stunted silences and suchlike and then my grandad made a comment about visiting some great historical site recently. My brother asked what it was known for and we were told that it was where they were supposed to have performed pagan rituals in the middle ages. Everyone nodded nicely in politeness...except me who for some unknown reason, spurred on by said nervousness giddily spurted out "what, like when they sacrificed virgins?" (which of course isn't necessarily a pagan ritual anyway).

Everyone stared.

In some ill-formed hope of making this inappropriateness better i decided to turn it into a joke "I'd be no good for that then!" yep, made it a million times worse.

Much more awkward silence. Never visted them again.
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 19:23, Reply)

Nothing big for me.
I was a small child, and for some reason, under the impression that imbecile was another word for old people. Didn't go over very well with my parents when I was describing my new teacher.

I've been on the recieving end several times when someone would be acting somewhat like a spaz, and someone else would say something brilliant like 'forget to take your ritalin this morning?'

At which point I, a totally normal person other than Attention Deficit Disorder, will usually pull some out of my pocket, and simply say 'No, it's right here.' Before walking away. Oh, the looks on their faces!


Oh, and blindmelon? The Jig is up. www.snopes.com/college/risque/telltale.asp
(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 19:15, Reply)