Outwitted by pissed mates...
We were sat in the pub having one of those drunken conversations about the best comedy shows of all time. About half a dozen of us banging on about all sorts when someone mentions Rik Mayall and Ade Edmonson and 'The Young Ones' and 'Bottom'. At this point Andrew leaves the group to fetch his mate Dave who, he informs me, is apparently a huge fan of the latter. Anyway we're all drunkenly doing impressions and quotes from the show when Andrew returns with Dave in tow. Everyone knows Dave except me so Andrew introduces us and sits down. There's an awkward silence so I say "I hear you like 'Bottom', Dave?" to which everyone except Dave howls with laughter.

The bastards didn't tell me he was gay.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:33, Reply)

auschwitz fo par
I was standing in one of the gas chambers in auschwitz berkenau and was looking for the lightswitch when I found a box on the wall that felt like a lightswitch. I said out loud 'hmm probably a fire alarm...' and then corrected myself with 'no there would be no need down here' (I actually meant this because it is basically a concrete bunker with nothing to burn in it), but to my horror I turned round to find our guide staring me down and shouting "This is not the place for jokes!" I tried to explain that I didnt mean it like that, but she spent the rest of the day giving me evil looks. Not very funny but extremely cringeable.
(dedlymonkey, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:32, Reply)

the dangers of piracy
At a friend's flat a few months ago I picked up an unusual looking copy of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, only to find it was a pirated version with Oriental blurb on the back. "Why have you got the lik tang fuk wang ding version?" I asked, only to experience a deathly silence by way of reply - his (Oriental) new girlfriend had just walked in. Ulp.
(robreun, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:29, Reply)

I guess I should dob my wife in...
... she was working as a hairdresser in Brisbane (Oz) and a lady with three kids in tow asked to make an appointment for a perm and a trim for her hubby. My wife asked for her name and was told "Mrs Kuntz" - pronounced the same as you know what, and yes, you can guess how my wife wrote it down...
Mrs Kuntz saw what was written and loudly spelled her name for my wife’s' benefit - my wife being extremely embarrassed blurted out "Oh..okay..sorry." Looks at the three kids and says "Will you be bringing the little Kuntz with you?"
The woman complained but my wife’s' employer thought it was dead funny and didn't sack her.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:25, Reply)

Doh!
We'd endured a steamingly dull training session on some new fangled computer software (DisplayWrite 4 I recall)... the trainer was completely crap. Lunchtime arrived and it was in our staff canteen. I sat down with my usual chums and I mouthed off about how crap it all was and how useless the trainer was. Did I spot that she was sitting on our table? Nope. Her fault - she'd put her hair up, or down, or something. Tried to dig my way out. Failed miserably. That was 20 years ago and I frequently recall it to this day!!! (PS: If you're reading this, I'm sorry... but you WERE dull and crap.)
(Wombat Joe, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:24, Reply)

pretty mild, comparatively.
I mean, none of mine involve cancer patients and orphans. I'm pretty careful about that sort of thing.

1. The old "calling something 'gay' in front of my homosexual friends." It was in front of eight or nine gay friends - a freaking white party - with me being the token straight chick.

2. This wasn't me. My granny's boyfriend is a twat, really. He took my family out for some Indian food. Because he's a senior citizen, it was only about five-thirty and the restaurant was pretty much empty, so all the servers - the Indian servers, from India - were standing around. Oh jeez, what should we talk about? How about jobs being exported to India? This is a *bad thing*, see, because the quality of workers is *lower* in India, etc etc.
(fantastic german, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:08, Reply)

Just a few
1) My boss (middle-aged, male) once said to his boss (a bit younger, female):

"Is that a new hair-do, or did you just sleep on it funny"

2) My sister-in-law had baby about 5 weeks before my wife. We met them to admire the sprog, and my sister-in-law says: "It's great being able to touch my toes again", at which, my ever tackful spouse - 8 months pregnant - gracefully bends over and touches her toes. "I've been keeping up my yoga" she says.

3) And this is one of mine. I worked with a bloke who was a real bloke. Played rugby, played cricket, drank a lot, talked sport to his mates on the phone for at least an hour a day. He also had a massive appetite, and would arrive at work with about ten bits of fruit, get though a couple of bottles of coke, sarnies, etc, and whenever someone brought in cakes, he'd be first there, same with a buffet - he'd shamelessly be queueing up for his second plateful before some had got their first. His other really annoying habit was to give EVERYONE a nickname.

Anyway...I was mucking about on Googl3, as you do, when someone commented that Mike was a real truffle hound when it came to cakes. So I set about searching for a nice picture of a truffle pig to pin on his desk. Instead, I found this:

members.aol.com/webloid/15trufle.htm

I put it on his desk, but almost felt sorry for him when he found it, especially as he knew that everyone else had read it first. Anyway, Truffle Bear is now his name.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:07, Reply)

Oh how I sh*t myself
This one was horrible.
In the pub I used to work in there were giant builder types who would come in of a lunchtime and stay until their wives threatened divorce. I got on with them quite well, until one day I was having a lairy afternoon in said public house and the topic of conversation got round to a certain fat woman from the brewery who came round every now and again to make our lives hell. After lengthy slagging off period (it's no wonder crisps supplies are down... etc) a voice from the back of us pipes up with - "yeah that's my mate's wife you're talking about." He said that he wouldn't say anything because this bloke would kill us, but it didn't stop me cacking my wack every day - especially at Christmas when he gave me an unusally high tip and bought me a drink. I've seen Goodfellas - I know how these things work...
(karlosanddebull, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:04, Reply)

Like Mr Smuts' faux pas
I was an young apprentice printer and I was boasting of my shagging prowess to one of the senior printers. We lived on the same street and I told him how much I wanted to shag the girl who walked her dog at about 6 pm every night. As I started to describe her (including breast size etc) another worker started frantically signalling "NO!" behind the senior printers head. Too late did I realise that I was describing the printers daughter...
The rest of my apprenticeship was absolute hell and no, I never did shag her.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:02, Reply)

Mr T.'s
Not me, but my girlfriends little brother. As they lived in a little village far away which was only barely connected to the outside world by limited televison broadcasts, my GF's brother had little experience of the multi-cultural nature of modern society. On his first trip to the big city, (Birmingham) the little lad pressed his nose to the train window as he was entering New Street Station and loudly announced - "Mom! MOM! Look at all the Mr T.'s!"... embarrassed silence...
(karlosanddebull, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:51, Reply)

One day...
...I was waiting in a chemist to pick up a prescription, when this big Rasta gentleman walked, at the very same time the pharmacist called out my name for collection "James?” I jumped to my feet and shouted "Ya mon!" - the place fell silent and I churlishly ran out the chemist avoiding Mr. Rasta.
( JamboM, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:49, Reply)

In a taxi...
On the way to a club with a couple of friends and the girl I was trying to "be with". We drive past the circus, which has come to Cambridge, and start laughing about Austin Powers and Carnies ("circus folk. Small hands. Smell of cabbage") - quoting the film and generally being silly.

Cab driver (a big bloke, too) looks at us all in his rear-view mirror and says "actually, my daughter works with the circus".

Quietest taxi ride I've ever had, after that.

Another one - friend of a friend sends out an email, only realises afterwards that she's not signed it "kind regards" like she meant to but instead signed it "kind retards".
(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:49, Reply)

Oh dear another disabled one
Feeling very pissed and requiring a rest while in some club I sat down by the bar. A few moments later a guy in a wheelchair pulled up and started a converstaion. It was all very nice and friendly... How's it going etc etc, you from round here... blah blah

Then he's say's... So you having a good time? you look pretty drunk!

And for some unknown reason I replied... 'Yeah I can't even fuckin walk'

A-Whoops
(mister nice guy, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:47, Reply)

Another couple, involving MSN.
Talking to a mate on MSN the other day, my Mum looks over my shoulder only to be greeted with his profile pic of that wanker from The Darkness and the word "CUNT" underneath in big letters.

Second one, my mate thought it would be funny to set his pic to that of his mate - naked. I asked him who the bloke with the tiny penis was. "He's sitting next to me and reading this", came the reply.
(monkey_man, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:32, Reply)

Shamed into confession....
Having posted earlier about one of my wife's (many)faux pas, I am now forced to confess to one of my own.....I'll never hear the end of it if I don't....come to think of it, I've never heard the end of it anyway....

About 10 years ago, my younger brother turned up at our house unannounced, to show off his new girlfriend, Carole. Whilst reasonably pleasing to the eye, it soon became all too apparent that she had the IQ of a lawn sprinkler and the charisma of a burning orphanage....

As we all sat there struggling to fill those awkward silences, I noticed that amongst the many necklaces she was wearing, was one with a gold letter 'D' on. As we had already learned her name was Carole - and my brother's name begins with an S - I thought "Aha! A perfect opportunity to open up new lines of communication....."

Obviously, during the five minutes or so we'd spent in her company, I had somehow managed to put my brain in neutral (must have been infectious), whilst leaving my mouth very firmly in gear....conversation went as follows:
Me: If your name is Carole, how come you have a gold 'D' on a chain round your neck?
Carloe: That was for my last boyfriend...he was killed in a car accident....
Me: Oh. So, 'D' for Dead, eh....?

Strangely, the romance didn't last....although to this day, whenever anybody in the family has an outbreak of foot-in-mouth, it is referred to as a 'D for Dead' moment.
(Desolation Angel, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:32, Reply)

Boy in a Cupboard
I remember having a friend at school who was an only child who lived a couple of doors down from me.

Walking home me and a couple of my mates started talking about sibblings which we all had.

I told Danny (The only child) that he had a special brother that his parents kept in the cupboard under the stairs.

They let him out at night to look at his fish tank if his spazzy brother 'Fanny' (a play on Danny) is good and doesn't eat shoe laces or slobber in his dad's trouser pockets etc.

He then started crying saying that he had a brother who died when he was young from some disease...

I said I was sorry, I didn't realise that Fanny died which made him cry even more and run off...I called his brother Fanny by accident. His name was Stephen I found out later...

I thought it was funny at the time but now crindge when walking past his home with pictures of his dead brother on the wall through his window...

Cheers
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:26, Reply)

deary me
we were out in the pub one evening, and a mate who i hadn't seen for a while, and was absolutely besotted with, turns up. we get chatting, catching up on stuff. she's looking really good, sporting a healthy tan, so i ask her where'd she been on holiday. she admits its just a fake tan, to which i reply "oh right, is that why its all patchy then?"

and another time, i was out on a sports club piis-up. it was the christmas dinner so everyone was dressed up, myself wearing a sharp suit and tie. in some bar afterwards, one of the members, who i didn't really know, asks "what's that mean then?" pointing to the chinese characters on my tie. (it was a few years ago, and i was young...) my response, pointing to each character in turn:
"you"
"are"
"a"
"cunt"
he was non too impressed and walked off.

he now owns a computer shop opposite my flat, and i see him pretty much every day...

i'm such a cnut
(sunny chiba, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:18, Reply)

Sooo many...
... I was scratching my head last night trying to think of any, but suddenly the floodgates have opened and I'm going to have to save some time by reverting to just the punchlines;

1. (Posh bint at some function or other telling a group of acolytes that her boyfriend had to work on Christmas day) Me : "Which shop does he work in then?". Her : "He's a jockey".

2. Me : (to a bald barmaid) : "Christ, that's a radical solution to dandruff, hehehe". Her : "More like a radical side-effect of chemotherapy".

3. Me : "So what sort of tight-fisted cunt would bring a bottle of Blue Nun to a dinner party?" (to the tight fisted cunt that had).

4. (At the after-funeral drinks and sarnies for the mother of a friend who'd died of cancer) ; Me : "I'm just popping outside for a cancer stick... Fuck, sorry, that sounded really insensitive, I meant to say 'coffin nail' ...".

5. Me : "Jesus! Where did you find that weird piece of sculpture? It looks like it was made by a convicted kiddie fiddler". Indignant dinner party host : "It was made by my mother".

6. (Whilst purchasing some Durex from Boots the chemist on a very rainy day) ; Beyoutiful counter clerk : "Nice weather", Me : "For fucks ... I ... er ... I mean ducks".


1,000,000 holes in the ground wouldn't be enough.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:15, Reply)

Red as a bell-end...
At my old job as a plant site desk operator, I got a call one day from a poor chap who was paralysed from the neck down, and scooted about everywhere on his electro-wheelchair...which had broken down in an isolated corridor. So I grabbed one of the engineers and we made our way to his location. Once we got there, the engineer set about fixing his chair, only to say to the bloke once he was about to switch it back on "fingers crossed"...
(monkey_man, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:14, Reply)

A group of us were at Alton Towers
and were going from one side to the other in that cable car thing. Being full of *fun!!??* I decided to leg it out of the car and hide around the first corner and jump out and frighten the girls in the group.

So as I heard approaching footsteps and girly voices I lept out and yelled something obscene at the top of my voice, only to see three somewhat frightened and bemused complete strangers...
( enthusiastic amateur delurked at:, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:06, Reply)

Man in Motion
Not me, but...

I was at a wedding reception and people were dancing, including a guy in a wheelchair. The 'Mobile DJ' was playing John Parr's 'Man in Motion' and he stopped the record and said, 'That was John Parr's 'Man in Motion' and we've got our own man in motion: man in a wheelchair. He's had the nerve to get up and have a dance. Give him a round of applause.’

Total silence.

Followed by the sight of the guy wheeling himself off the dance floor.
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:04, Reply)

I was sat in a busy office one day when one of the guys
who used to be an apprentice of mine came in.

He had three odd shapes shaved out of his short hair and I asked what the fuck he had done to his hair this time - everyone looked around to see the hairstyle.

His reply was "I'm having radiotherapy for a brain tumour and the shaved bits are where they administer the treatment."

Everyone then moved their gave from his head to me.
( enthusiastic amateur delurked at:, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:00, Reply)

Oh yeah, wasn't me though.
I was sitting in the pub with a mate, telling him I wanted to get rid of my girlfriend and he told me that I should try to persuade her to take it up the arse. He went on for a bit about it actually, and didn't even stop when said girlfriend came from behind and sat down next to him at the table. I had to clear my throat after thirty seconds or so and indicate her presence.
( Zuowan, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:59, Reply)

Blow nono!
I used to work in the Gadgetshop. At the time I was porking one of the lasses that worked there (I'll call her miss X) but I wasn't really that into her.
Anyway I was chatting to the boss in the office on my lunch break this one day and generally being a bit laddish. The subject quickly got onto lasses and the fact that he was gutted I was seeing gadgetshop girl X because he thought she was lush. My reply was "Ah she aint that fucking great, no matter wot I do I can't get her to suck me off - I'm sick I just wanna be blown!"
My fabulous matter of fact statement was met with a horrible long silence from my boss and the look of horror on his face told me wot I would see when I turned around!
Yep, sure enough miss X had just arrived for work and was stood right behind me!!!
Ouch! I should have looked more closely at the feckin rota!
(Mr Smuts, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:53, Reply)

Pub Based Gaffe
We did off from work directly to a city centre pub for a night of beer fueled hi-jinks and, as we were waiting for latecomers to join our party, my mate and I began to suggestively rate the female entrants to the pub.

A series of lewd comments followed as the North East air produced a varied array of women in some quite superb states of undress, until the overall quality of girls entering the pub seemed to slump for a few moments.

Then in walks this brunette.

"Now that's more like it!", exclaims my mate, obviously excited.

"Fuck off man, Colin, are you taking the piss!!??", I replied for all to hear, proud at my amusing put down.



Yes... it was his fucking wife.
( pagram, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:51, Reply)

Too young to be mortified, but...
When I was four or so my family were on the poverty line and needed to sell the decrepit old car in order to afford a new one that actually worked, so my dad took it (and me in the back seat) down to a secondhand car dealer to try to get rid of it. When we got there we had a bargaining session which finished like so:
Car dealer: "So there's nothing wrong with it at all then?"
Dad: "No, not at all..."
Me: "But the clutch is broken."
A very highly developed sentance for a four year old and one I'm constantly reminded of.
( Zuowan, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:49, Reply)

and then there was the time my parents introduced me to their new next door neighbours
'This is Guy, and this is his wife Ceri' said my mum. My sister is called Ceri, I have about 3 friends called Ceri and at the time I was going out with a girl called ceri-anne, so not thinking, my first words to this poor woman were 'God, there's too many Ceris in this world, someone should do something about it!'. I didn't even realise what I'd said until I she looked at me like I was a name nazi.
( baby wet ones, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:48, Reply)

I was sat with a client and at the end of the meeting
we were discussing film stars that he had photographed (that is his business).

We were talking about someone (can't remember who) but I commented that I was not sure why girls made such a fuss about him as he was such a short bloke. I am six foot three. When I stood to leave I realised that I was a good foot and a bit taller than he was! Whoops - has meeting insults client and leaves!
( enthusiastic amateur delurked at:, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:47, Reply)

I had one of those
horrible 'entire pub goes silent just as you say something really embarrassing' moments. I was sitting in a crowded pub in my home town one saturday night with a very close friend and his younger sister, who I kinda think of as my little sister too, anyway, we were taking the piss out of each other and she made some comment about the size of my todger, I protested, saying she wouldn't know, when I remembered that the previous year we had all skinny dipped in next door's pool at a party at their house, I unwisely piped up quite loudly 'OH YEAH! YOU HAVE SEEN MY PENIS!', of course it had to be that moment when everyone else's conversations reached a natural lull.
( baby wet ones, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:44, Reply)

I used to be in hall at uni
with a bloke called Ed who was sadly hit by a truck and killed while studying in Paris the next year. Trouble was I was introduced to his sister 6 months later when I was stupendously wombled and the conversation went

Mate - "Nik, this XX, Ed's sister"
Me - "Hi, nice to meet you" .....can't think of what to say ... "What's Ed up to these days?"
XX - *silence*
ahhhhhhh fucksocks. how small can a large badger feel......

She did at least have the decency not to say "lying in a box last I heard" for which I am eternally grateful....
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 14:44, Reply)