This is actually a twist on the theme...
My mates had a severe case of Foot in Mouth Syndrome while at the pub, with me on the receiving end.

We were sat in said pub and i wasn't talking too much as i recently had some bad news. One observant mate decided to include me more in conversation by asking how my dog was doing. "It's dead!" was my simple answer. At this point they all burst out laughing (as it's the usual stupid thing i say when someone asks me how someone else is). But the laughter dampened down when i continued "... no, it really is dead! It died yesterday with heart problems." Bastards! I loved that dog!
(Beaston, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 19:20, Reply)

Cheap Jobs
Along the lines of MrSnuggly's post... In my first semester at Uni, I was trying to get a temp job so I could drink like a fish support myself. Well, along comes this "work part time in a grocer's" ad. So I go, dress up nice and all that, go through the interview fine, and as I'm rising up to go, the job lady says "Well, we'll give you a call" and bright me says "It'd be nice to have a job that's not so mentally taxing".
Needless to say, there was no returned call. Ah, well -- who needs gout, er, stout anyway?
(notcarlos, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 19:19, Reply)

I can
never talk to a man smaller than myself without mentioning the words short & small in every sentence. Sorry short men, but you make me do it!
( Hidden Mouse, Sleeping Kitten Gromada? Gromada!, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 19:04, Reply)

Twas today that this happened.
Last Term our current form teacher left, leaving us with a new gaffer who is married to my German Teacher. Well I forgot this so today when he was telling us about all the teachers he pissed off when he was our age I stuck me hand up and said "I gave Frau Hilton a breakdown!" (she had given up on me and said, it's ok Marion, don't give in your homework, it saves me the marking) But I had forgotten it was his wife that I pissed off. Sheisse! Well I think he ignored my comment anyway.
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 19:02, Reply)

One of friends...
was taking a singing exam and had to sing a song about a girl deciding whether or not to go with her family and go to a concentration camp or stay with her boyfriend. After she had finished singing, the examiner bloke asked her what the song was about to which she replied, "Its about a stroppy jewish teen bitch" the examiner makes that noise only people working in education can make and said she could leave.

ABout an hour later she was telling us this in front of one of my other mates who had also done a singing exam who just looked at her and said "You do realise he was Jewish don't you?!"

Needless to say she immediately went bright red and shout "FUCK!" v loudly...she passed the exam though.
(P-nut Obsessive Compulsive Green Day Disorder..., Wed 21 Apr 2004, 18:50, Reply)

Thankfully not me...
But a friend of a friend. Last day of school, the class gets to play games and whatnot. There was a girl who's dad had hung himself a few weeks previously, she's sitting next to said friend, generally being a bitch and annoying everybody. He then shouts to her, 'just piss off and go and play hangman'.
(BobbleHat, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 18:49, Reply)

back...
.. when i was in the first year at university, i lived in halls and one day we broke into a makes room, and while searching, foufn his porn collection (Big Sister i think) well anyway we decided to watch it, for laffs of course.......
..... well one of the girls was watchin it with us, but also waiting for one of the other girls to ring......
... so i wondered off to get some food as i was hungry and when i returned i found her talking on the fone, porn turned down and the others quiet.... as i got here she announced down the phone she was not doing anything, so i assumed she was on the fone to are mate, so promptly announced "yes she is, she is watching porn" or something similar.
well everyone glared... she cringed.... i looked to my sandwhich... the others shouted... she announce "yes dad he is a prat" passes me the phone i get shouted at..... evil other peoples parents... always went out when he was coming round.... aparently i didn't just have my foot but also my leg in mouth
(evil pete, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 18:47, Reply)

Hmm
While out doing military maneuvers, we used to ask disgusting questions to each other for laughs. I decided to join in and ask our new medic the following:

Me: Hey doc, would you rather shag your mom or blow your dad off?
Everybody: (laughing)
Doc: (crying) My moms dead!
Everybody: (total silence)
after a few secs...
Me: So I guess you'd blow your dad then.

Im going to hell.
( Well, not quite Will be nice for food, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 18:42, Reply)

oh the horror
1. In Marrakech, ancient islamic royal burial ground, tomb for tiny children of royalty, my boyfriend stage whispers "I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back ribs. I want...etc".
Our group promptly shuffled out. Could have killed him. But did collapse in hysterics.

2. I have no tact. In a bar, talking to a girl on my course (who I KNEW had shagged the whole local rugby team, in one evening - ouch), I started a rant against organised religion (I got my reasons). She then told me she was Christian.
Backpedal ensued. I did quite well...
Some friends from Uni still call me Queen of Tact. (There are MILLIONS more of these, I'm just too ashamed)

3. Not words, but...Millenium eve (the 1999 one, pedants), we accidentally set off new year 3mins early at Bath Abbey by popping our champagne early so we could down it on the bell.
Crowd's bloody fault for paying attention to drunkards.
Still highly embarassing...

Oh, there are more, but I think the others will be read by those involved. So shhh
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 18:27, Reply)

Young love
When I was about 14 I was dating a girl. After a while I got bored and split up with her. A couple of days later I met a new girl, Laura, who turned out to know my ex. We got chatting and things started to turn flirty. I had to leave before things turned serious but the next day at school my mate, who was also friends with her, told me she liked me. That night I got a phone call from Laura, oddly she was asking lots of questions about my ex, so me trying to impress her told her things were compleatly over between us and made this point very clear. The conversation started to die out at this point so I mentioned something from the other night, which Laura had no clue what I was talking about, insisting I wasn't with her the other night. It was at that point I remembered my ex's best friend was called Laura and I had compleatly slated my ex to her! Needless to say I never heard from her again! I did end up going out with the other Laura for a couple of weeks.


Another time I was getting on well with a girl in my school. I was talking to another friend online about school as he had left that year and he asked me about the girls. I said there was this nice girl I had been flirting with and it was looking like we were going to get together. I told him her name and he suddenly had to go off line, and when he came back on he didn't want to talk about girls in his life. I presumed he had just had a bad experiance and didn't want to tell me about it. I then went to a club wit said girl and the friend I was talking to turned up. He kept looking at me and her with evil eyes, and when I started kissing her he left. I found out the next day that they had been seeing each other for the past couple of months, only for her to finish it to get with me! In the end she broke up with me and started going out with him. After that he got arrested for sexually assalting 6 women around my area. This is a pointless part of the story but it shows how shit my love life really is!
( bobzarkoff, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 18:21, Reply)

Never trust a doctor
While at uni, me and some mates were sitting around discussing the Holocaust (as you do when you're young, pretentious and stoned). Suddenly, one bloke (who, in my defence, I had never met before) sat up and said, “Well, it's a lesson learned, innit? I mean, safety in numbers? Tell that to six million Jews.”
After the inevitable guilty snorting, one of my mates sat bolt upright and said, “That's not funny. My grandfather died at Belsen.”
Cue total silence, until he continued, “Yeah, he fell 60 foot out a guard tower.”
Sheesh.
( furry numnah has returned from the dead (but her profile appears to be mightily fucked), Wed 21 Apr 2004, 18:13, Reply)

God Im so thick
Around October, I had just joined a society at university with very few members, about 6 including me, so we had a meeting at one of there houses. So we started having a joke about steriotypes when I said something involving the welsh loving sheep alot.
"Im welsh"
"So am I"
I managed to insult a third of the group.
About a month later after it had blown over, I did it again...Git
*Note I dont have anything against wales or anything/one welsh, its very lovely contry where I visit every year, the north is especilly pretty.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 18:09, Reply)

School for the blind
In Edinburgh there's a magnificently ornate and gothic school for the deaf. My girlfriend thought it was a school for the blind though and when we walked past it she said, "Is that the school for the blind, God what a waste."

She also thinks Cockney is a place in London.
( blindmelon, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 18:04, Reply)

My 21st birthday
I'm sitting in a big armchair in a nightclub and this attractive girl has been sitting on the arm of the chair all night. We've been getting on quite well but I've never met this girl before and she's an obscure friend of a friend of a friend. Drunken logic kicks in and I decide that a relationship would never work. Eventually, the moment arrives when she make it painfully clear that sex is a definite option and in my mind I say this, "I like you but I don't really want a one night stand with you because we'd wake up tomorrow morning, say goodbye and never see each other again. I'm really sorry."

But what actually came out was, "No thanks, I don't want to see your face in the morning."

My friends have never let me live it down. And I never saw her again.
( blindmelon, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 17:59, Reply)

I really do make an arse of myself.
I once called Jehovah's witnesses Jews. I came off a right a right nazi. I believe I actually said, "Go away, you annoying jews." but with more swearing. They weren't very happy.

I also tend to call the Indians in the market 'Paki's' to their face. Like, "Thanks, paki".

My dad calls blacks Sambo.

Christ, I'm a bloody sub-concious racist, aren't I.
(King In Crimson, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 17:58, Reply)

in school
earlier this year (I'm 14 btw) i was in the canteen with my mates, eating lunch. after finishing i turned round to look at the health food counter (they have deserts there) just as a teacher walks right in front of my face. My mates ask me "Why are you looking up her arse", to which I reply "I was trying to see if they had any deserts up there".

Well, at least due to the fact that all the teachers were on that table and my friends laughed too loudly (they do everyday and get told off) they were asked to leave.
(Ukatoton, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 17:55, Reply)

Lift Farts
I used to work in an office with a bloke who used to think it was hilarious to fart as soon as we both got in the lift to go out for a smoke. They used to stink to high heaven as well. Our office was on the 5th floor and on this particular day, a very tasty bird from the 4th floor got into the lift just as the aroma was coming into full bloom. We had a very silent journey to the ground floor where the very distressed looking girl shot out of the lift before the doors were fully open. I saw her a couple of times after that and could never look her in the eye. If you are reading this Richard Peel, you know it was you....
( Snollock Biffer I don't really sniff Bollocks, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 17:52, Reply)

Girl in student union
When I was young and naive, I was a student at Edinburgh University. One of it's many (shit) student unions is a cheesy nightclub affair called Potterrow. It's on 3 floors. Anyway, I was pissed out of my skull and was staggering down the stairs when I saw a very attractive girl clearly struggling to stand. She was trying to climb the stairs by clinging to the stair rail and dragging the rest of her body behind her. Always the smooth talker, I pointed and laughed at her saying something along the lines of, "My God, you're sooooo fucking drunk!"

She stopped, looked me straight in the eye and perfectly coherently replied, "No, I'm disabled."
( blindmelon, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 17:50, Reply)

Irish gaffe
On meeting a new Irish temp at work, for some reason I asked him if he'd like to tarmac my drive. The guy reported me to the Chief Executive of the (FTSE top 50) firm as a racist. Fortunately for me, the Chief Executive told him to grow up.
(rogerzilla, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 17:47, Reply)

mini scotch egg
I have a particular talent for saying wrong things to religious people.

The pinacle of my career came when i ended up at a finger buffet where the bishop of durham was also. mini scotch eggs being round, and paper plates being crap, my scotch egg rolled off and fell on the bishops foot. to which i propmptly ejaculated "jesus, i'm sorry"
(Craig [Est. 1985], Wed 21 Apr 2004, 17:42, Reply)

work related accidents...
one of my finest was on email, sending out minutes from a meeting i had attended earlier in the day.

I intended to begin the email with "and here are the minutes from today's short meeting"

Except my finger/brain slipped and I actually wrote "and here are the minutes from today's shite meeting"

And no i didn't notice until after I had sent it. And yes my boss was among the recipients..

oops.
( rosey, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 17:38, Reply)

Foot In Mouth
Few months ago sitting in the pub drinking and chatting as one does my girlfriend came up with this pearler.

We where discussing beer adverts and talking about the old heiniken ones when my young lass says 'oh is that the ones where the frogs go bud wies er?'
( Smashy only 35 years of work to go :), Wed 21 Apr 2004, 17:38, Reply)

I have a couple
1.
In 1999 when united won the treble i decided it would be a good laugh to scive off college and tag along with my united supporting friends and take a trip to Manchester to watch the team parade through the city centre. When we got there it was packed(about a million peeps) I decided to buy a balloon in the shape of a trophy. Through out the day it got roughed up a bit and the metal shine started to crack. As i was staring at my cracked balloon the women next to me said "look at my wrinkly reflection" to which i immediately said "yeah and the cracks don't make things better" she then turns to her friends and her friends massive Manc husbands and says "he just called me a wrinkly bitch". Which then led to a husband grabbing me by the throat saying "what did you call my wife". Took a good few minutes for me to explain with no help from my friends who blended in with the crowd. Funny thing is later that day i saw her again on the search for food and she flashed me her tits and said "are these wrinkly"... no they weren't.

2.
My housemate is really good at putting her foot in it. The first month i lived with her i got the flu and stumbled into the lounge one morning all bunged up and bleary eyed only for her to shout out "haha look at your chinky eyes" then silence as we both try not to look at our Japanese housemate Ruri looking a tad upset.
( cooler_king That's no moon!, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 17:09, Reply)

Why me!
Ok, I work part time so when the postman comes to deliver something I am usually in. The first post is normally quite early so i'm either in my PJ's or dressing gown. We buy loads of stuff on the internet so there is generally stuff to sign for.

Thus postman only knows me looking a right mess, until one day when I spot him in town delivering to the shops. I naturally give him a smile and a hello and he looks at me blankly for a few seconds and then says at the top of his voice in a crowded shopping centre "Hi, I didn't recognise you with your clothes on"

Needless to say I wanted the ground to swallow me up! and he went the same colour as his post bag bless.
( flurokitty 3, 2, 1 lets jam! (+.[___]·:·), Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:54, Reply)

Two stories- same concept
1) I was talking to this girl, and she said something and i replied "yeah, that's what your mum said when i was in bed with her!" and she said "my mum's dead". I thought "shit... wait... haha... she's just joking". Later on (i was in a 'saying yeah your mum' kinda mood), i said it again to her. Big mistake. She said "No really, my mum died a month ago". I nearly melted. It was awful.

2) Not me this time. Some guy and some other guy were having an argument in a classroom at school, when boy 2 said "your mum" to guy 1. guy 1 promptly screamed and threw a chair at guy 2's head, before running out. No-one knew why this happened, and thought the guy was overreacting until they found out that guy 1's mum had died in a tragic house fire 3 days beforehand.


Well.. it's up to jesus to do the judging eh?
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:53, Reply)

Textual relationships and bullets and stuff
I was texting two girls at the same time - one called Laura, who liked me, and I liked. She thought I only had eyes for her. The other girl I was texting I can't actually remember the name of, but it began with R. Anyway, I was texting Laura with the usual crap about what I'd been up to, and I was texting R with... er... rather saucier material.

Predictably, I sent a message intended for R to Laura... she was not impressed, don't think I've spoken to her since.

On another note, I once told a story about a man getting shot through the bollocks, the bullet going into a woman and her being impregnated to my girlfriend's parents....

The first time I met them.

Just remembered: the first time I met this other girl I really thought she was fit. I used to swear constantly, and when I said "fuck" and "shit" I saw her flinch a bit... so I thought "If I'm getting into her pants I'd better tone it down a litte", and started saying "Jesus Christ!" and "Oh my god!"

She flinched even more

She's only really religious.

Things kind of went downhill from there.
( Detrius521, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:49, Reply)

Tumour Humour
Walking into town with my Dad, a popular man in Historic Lincoln City.

He waves to a couple and we pop over to say our "hellos". After a while Dad notices the stoney-face wife's grimacing silence.

"Why the long face," he laughs "he's not been slapping you around again has he?"

"No," she replies, "I've just had a tumour removed."

Not much left to say after that.
(microsaulxp, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:42, Reply)

I was only doing as I was TOLD
A long time ago, while in a particularly desperate unrequited love situation with a mate of mine who I will call Jane for now, I was invited to her flatmate's 21st. On arrival the flatmate in question told me that not only had Jane just dumped her boyfriend, she was hinting that she had done so because she could no longer control her true feelings for me. Wheee! This 21st was a sit down meal with lots of the birthday girl's family around so I decided to wait until it was over before making my move on Jane... The flatmate's dad however was a big, bluff rugger bugger and decided to liven things up by getting everyone at the table, grannies and grandads included, to tell the most tasteless joke that they knew as the evening went on. I got picked last. I had had a lot to drink. But still, MY joke wasn't as bad as some of the ones that had already been trotted out - or so I thought. I stood up, "What do you call an anorexic girl with thrush? A quarter pounder with cheese!". Eerie silence followed by a combination of growls/sobs from the family end of the table. Turns out the flatmate's little sister, a rather slim girl who, due to my romance clouded mood, I had failed to notice was not in attendance that night, had just been commited to hospital with anorexia nervosa. Her father had started the tasteless joke thing in order to try and cheer the family up a bit. He could not comprehend that I would just *happen* to pick that gag and so, assuming that I was taking the piss, chinned me. His wife and other daughter cried a lot and I was blamed for ruining her birthday.

Proving once and for all that there is no justice in the universe, I still got laid. However, I can't shake the feeling that what should have been the most romantic night of my young life was cruelly stolen from me and replaced with a pity f*ck...
(scunnydelight, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:40, Reply)

A bit grim but...
Years ago I worked as a care assistant on a gynaecology ward. I was looking after a patient who had had a fairly heavy vaginal bleed (sorry 'bout this). Being the efficient nurse I am I gathered towels, bowls of water, gloves etc and started scrubbing away. Blood doesn't come away that easily from hair, so I was right in there making a thorough job of it. It's difficult in this situation to make small talk, but I gamely tried- 'so, what do you do when you're not in hospitals?' She replied that she was a dentistry student. Quick as a flash, and with no idea what I had said, I replied 'Oh I couldn't do that- staring down people's mouths all day'! How we laughed. Luckily, she actually did- and I hope she tells the story as often as I do...
(clapper, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:34, Reply)