If you want a tatoo then wait for at least a year to make sure you really want it.
Tatoos last for life. 1 year isn't much in comparison of living with a crap tatoo for the rest of your life.

Also, always double and triple check spelling and design and keep checking while it;s ebing done as 1 mistake and it's ruined. (I know a guy with 2 4 pointed "5 point star"s on his elbows.)
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Wed 26 May 2010, 0:58, 22 replies)

The wisest words ever said...
...to me were from my PhD supervisor and they have stood me in great stead ever since.

"There's nothing as over-rated as bad sex, or as under-rated as good shit"

No comment on length
(MonkeyToes is thinking about a back sac and crack on, Wed 26 May 2010, 0:50, 1 reply)

If at first you don't succeed…
…try, try again.

Especially relevant given the large number of L plates this week.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Tue 25 May 2010, 22:49, Reply)

Plan Ahea
d
(tingtwatter Eating loads of red meat since, Tue 25 May 2010, 22:35, 1 reply)

Rules to live by.
Be confident. Not just when talking to some one you want to plow, but in all things. Acting like your confident, like you know what your doing and people will usualy belive you do know what your doing.

Do what you think is right. It's better to be in the shit proud of how you ended up there then to be in a palace ashamed of how you got it.

Just fucking go for it. Lifes way to short to spend angonising over every decision, if you want to do somthing, do it!

And most importantly:

Don't take your self to seriously. The more important you think you are, the more of a twat everyone else thinks you are.
(Mong goose, Tue 25 May 2010, 22:11, 2 replies)

From my late Dad
When I told him that was I was going to propose:

"You've got to love her, you've got to like her and you've got to be able to live with her - all three"

Fortunately I do.
(hating swallows is 20 yards from the nearest Jaffa cake, Tue 25 May 2010, 21:19, 5 replies)

"Dont...
eat that red snow by the river, where the virgins go...." - Marc Orrell, Dropkick Murphys.

Truer words were never spoken.
(SKJack, Tue 25 May 2010, 20:50, 5 replies)

My dad's advice
If she smokes, she pokes
Steaks are like girls, only eat if it's pink in the middle, not brown.
Get the fuck out of my house before I kill you.
Everybody needs a sword(about a birthday gift for my 1 year old).
Kill her(when the wife and I were fighting).
If green meat is bad for you, so are green veggies.
And my favorite: Don't bother listening to what comes out of a girl's mouth if she doesn't want you coming in it.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Tue 25 May 2010, 20:21, 4 replies)

"Never trust a Steve"
My Grandad was loopy, but I've always taken his advice to heart.
Don't know if it's done me any favours, but I'm sticking by it.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Tue 25 May 2010, 19:19, 1 reply)

Just in case you ever encounter a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
or go paddling on a spontaneous visit to the beach, make sure you /always/ know where your towel is.
(epinephrine, Tue 25 May 2010, 18:27, 1 reply)

Be just
And if you can't be just, be arbitrary.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 25 May 2010, 18:26, 1 reply)

While reading the comments on PostSecret a year or so ago
I came across one with a piece of advice I've taken to heart.

"Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem."

I've kept it in mind for over a year now, and it's helped me and my friends plenty.


Long time lurker, first time poster, go easy please.
(epinephrine, Tue 25 May 2010, 18:15, 17 replies)

advice i recieved on women
when i was a trainee my boss gave me this tit bit, "chunky they are all whores, you pay for it one way or another"

my dad on the other hand told me "shag em all, you'll never be happy anyway!"
(Paulo1984, Tue 25 May 2010, 17:52, Reply)

Illegitimi Non Carborundum

Don't Let The Bastards Grind You Down. My version, Keep On Keeping On, means the same thing.

Persistence pays off.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 25 May 2010, 17:31, Reply)

How to stop burglars
If you are ever woken up by a noise that you think could be an intruder there are 2 things that you need, 1. A rounder's bat, 2. A pair of Anne Summers Crocodile underpants.

Method:

Picture the scene, you're lying in bed when you hear a noise coming from downstairs, the first thing you must do is put on your crocodile underwire so that your old chap is in the nose portion of the garment, now grab your rounder's bat and head downstairs. 99.99% of the time there won't be anyone down there, or if anyone was there just hearing you wake up would have been enough to make them scarper, there is however a 0.01% chance that you could interrupt an intruder and on these occasions you must do as follows. As soon as you see the intruder you must start windmilling you cock as fast as you can, this should confuse the intruder so much that you should buy enough time to hit them as hard as you humanly can in the head. Once the intruder is knocked out sit on him and call the police.

If you are a lady i'd advise nipple tassles or a strap on

This is more of a theory than advice, so I take no responsibility if it doesn't work.
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Tue 25 May 2010, 15:59, 5 replies)

Don't eat frozen dog piss.
That is all.
( Richard Shitheels, Tue 25 May 2010, 15:55, 1 reply)

Keep your B3ta name unique
from every other board/forum/email address you may frequent/use. For example, I'm only SLVA on this site and nowhere else. For the rest of the internet I have two other nicknames.

That way, your stories about shitting in a hotel bed or how you got laid at 13 can't be traced back to you.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 May 2010, 15:48, 16 replies)

Don't eat yellow snow.
That is all.
(Beelzebub's Ball Bag is pleasuring your wife on, Tue 25 May 2010, 15:45, 4 replies)

If you happen across Louis Spence on the street...
...somewhere, kick him firmly in the dick and tell him he's a god-awful prancing twat. He needs to learn.

Best advice I have, given that I'm not at my best right now.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Tue 25 May 2010, 15:43, 1 reply)

"Be yourself" is useless advice. This coming from an almost useless website.
I remember watching a YouTube video of someone talking about how "Be yourself" is really bad advice. The point he made was that if you were worried about something it would still be there if you were being yourself. For example: If you see someone you'd like to talk to but are over critical of yourself, you will still be that person after taking the advice.

The YouTube video then said that the best advice to give in that situation was: Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Nothing is gained from "Being yourself" whereas being told to make mistakes gives you an objective. He also said something about "Fake it to make it" which was essentially be the person you want to be and then that will become you.
(Man of face http://www.youtube.com/user/MillywiggZ, Tue 25 May 2010, 15:29, 7 replies)

My mum said ...
"If you're gonna have one, have a biggun'."

She also said (on getting back into dating when she got divorced from my (older) dad after thirty two years of marriage);
"Men --- they never grow up so you might as well have a young one."

I haven't followed either piece of wisdom fwiw. ;)
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Tue 25 May 2010, 15:29, Reply)

when you're worried about something
Ask yourself if there’s anything you can do about your situation. If there is, there’s no need to worry. If there isn’t, there’s no point worrying.
(bblgoose, Tue 25 May 2010, 14:56, 5 replies)

Never burn your bridges
unless you're an occupying force on the retreat
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 May 2010, 14:10, Reply)

im trying to find a job
went to tesco infirmary road. "oh, we don't tend to take on students. you should look on west street. they have a high turn over"

went to west street. "oh, we're not hiring because business is quiet over the summer. you should look on edward street. i hear their manager is struggling to cover holidays"

went to edward street. "we're not really hiring at the moment. the ecclesall road tesco is much bigger. they must have some vacancies..."

NO. they probably don't. because you don't actually know, do you???? what a waste of an afternoon.
(ladyintheradiator, Tue 25 May 2010, 14:04, 5 replies)

On holiday
Don't eat squid ink paella the night before travelling and then forget about it.

Having a pre flight dump is no fun when it came out black and you think you are dying (until your wife reminds you of your tasty dinner choice)!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Tue 25 May 2010, 14:03, 2 replies)

Don't feed you dog...
...black pudding with brown sauce, then take him to the park on a nice sunny day.

Brownish-black diarrhoea will occur, shouting will ensue, smells will offend, posh people will tut-tut, peace will be ruined.
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Tue 25 May 2010, 13:51, Reply)

A gentler one this time
Never have anything in your house that you don't know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.

(Edited to correct the quote!)
(robbersdog, Tue 25 May 2010, 13:37, 5 replies)

Another from Geoff Thompson
Just remembered this one. Its about what to do if you're cornered and can't get out of a fight, or a mugging or some such thing:

'It's better to be tried by twelve than carried by six'

If you really think that the situation is unavoidable, that you really can't run away, be the first one to get the bollock crunching kick in and inflict as much damage as you can.
(robbersdog, Tue 25 May 2010, 13:35, 9 replies)

Cherry Tomatos
They EXPLODE WITH MASSIVE FORCE so don't eat them at your desk unless you want tomato juice on your screen and tiny pips between sticky keys all afternoon.

Evil little red bastards.
(TheManofScience, Tue 25 May 2010, 13:26, 4 replies)

Clutter
If it has not been used in 6 months and is not a Christmas decoration or your photograph/home-video collection, then bin it, sell it or take it to charity shop.

The contents of a bloke's shed are the exception.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 May 2010, 12:57, 3 replies)