Uni
Some family advice before i left for uni.

Dad - Eat a decent meal in the canteen at lunchtime, you wont have to worry to much if you miss evening meal etc.

Brother - Dont skive lectures and classes to the point it becomes impossible to go back as it will be obvious you have barely been there.

I ignored both of these, barely ate a thing for 3 years, pissed every penny up the wall rather than on food and barely attended like any standard student.

Got a desmond and have put on 2 stone since leaving, worked out alright!!
(jonnyninetails, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:00, Reply)

The trouble with being fisted
is that it feels like someone sticking their hand up your arse.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:59, 1 reply)

What goes on this website
Stays on this website, can be found and you will be in the shitter.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:52, Reply)

Smile, breathe and go slowly.
Thich Nhat Hanh. (Vietnamese buddhist monk)

I've got the smiling and breathing down, but the going slowly is hard work.
( girlinthehole, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:48, 3 replies)

If the doctor puts his finger up your arse
make sure he doesn't have both hands on your shoulders at the time.
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:46, Reply)

I write words for a living in an advertising agency
The best advice a creative director ever gave me were:

"Go away and write it better"

And you know what? I did. And now, whenever I write something, I go away and write it better. Every time.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:45, 4 replies)

Advice from my old anatomy teacher:
"The width of a girl's pelvic floor is roughly proportional to the width of her feet. So lads, if you hook up with a girl who takes an extra wide shoe, remember to take a torch with you because it's going to be awfully lonely in there..."
( sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:43, Reply)

I've a few I've picked up from various places
"Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes. If you're not in one, you're in the other." Thanks Gran.

"If anyone's giving you advice, consider how it affects them." From the Alan Clark diaries. This is a good one.

"Don't hang about with girls, get stuck in there!" An uncle at a Hogmanay party. Cheers Rob, I was ten. Took me about ten years to realise you were right.
(McChinaman banned, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:43, Reply)

Got to go, but not without a word from William Burroughs
If you're doing business with a religious son-of-a-bitch,
Get it in writing.
His word isn't worth shit.
Not with the good lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal.

www.jjjwebdevelopment.com/306sites/burroughs/burroughs.shtml
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:40, Reply)

always remember
it's nice to be important, but its more important to be really, really important.
(Hernandez Fiendish probably won't be here until at least, say, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:36, Reply)

From my old harridan of a history teacher:
"A friend in need is not a friend."
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:36, 2 replies)

If you're ever stuck wondering what to do next,
do something, anything, even if it's the wrong thing. Any activity is better than none.
( S tr app y, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:34, 1 reply)

Google Desiderata...
s'good! ;-)

Edit - On second thoughts here's a linkything...

www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm
( JamHamster My eyes, my beautiful eyes!, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:34, 8 replies)

Two things:
1) Never underestimate the stupidity of people in large groups
2) It doesn't matter how foolproof you make it, there is a fool out there who will break it
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:34, Reply)

Decorating advice I should have taken
As I placed the huge tubs of Homebase own brand paint into my trolly, an old bloke said, "Don't do it son, it'll be like painting with milk"

He was wrong, it was like painting with watered down UHT. Milk might have actually stuck to the brush. The white paint was so piss poor it took 4 coats just to cover an already white ceiling.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:33, 10 replies)

Booked a holiday to Spain?
Are are you planning on killing your kids whilst you're there?

Stop.

Rebook a new break, this time in Portugal. You'll be free to come home after two weeks, and the kids luggage allowance can be used to bring back additional tabs and booze.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:31, Reply)

And one adapted from Neil Gaiman's Death
It's no harder to be nice than it is to be mean.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:29, Reply)

when watching a film (usually with the missus)
This is foolproof and saves a lot of pent-up hatred.

Tell someone you know who talks over and asks lots of questions during films that if they have a question about the movie, wait fifteen minutes, and the question will normally be answered.
(Hernandez Fiendish probably won't be here until at least, say, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:29, 2 replies)

Flogging a dead horse
Shit job? Shit relationship? Shit everything?

Knock it on the head and start again. No point maintaining a life of misery because you feel trapped.

No point whatsoever. MTFU and move on.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:29, 4 replies)

the best advice ever
is to eyeball the person who is asking what they should do about their crap wife/married boyfriend/incontinent dog/evil rapey-eyed boss and tell them to think carefully about what advice they would give you in the same situation.

then to go away and do it.

it is amazing how many people agree with this, then proceed to ignore it and keep ranting. sigh.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:28, Reply)

Dont do bad things
... only do good things.
Always treat your neighbour like someone who lives near to you.
Never put a sock in a toaster.
Never put jam on a magnet.
Never throw your Granny in a bag.
Never suck all the juice out of a vampire.
Never lean over on Tuesday.

Thanks Eddie.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:27, Reply)

Don't piss the wrong way in a hurricane
if you don't know how to duck.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:26, 1 reply)

Criticism is always right, advice is always wrong
My motto when working on anything creative. If someone tells you that something you've done doesn't work for them, that is a fact you have to accept and choose whether you want to change anything. But if they tell you what you should do to fix the problem, they're pretty much always talking crap.

I came up with this about fifteen years ago and it's never let me down yet.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:26, 4 replies)

"Don't shit on your own doorstep."
Well, it's just common sense, really, isn't it?
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:25, Reply)

Never get involved in a land war in Asia

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:23, 2 replies)

If a place is known locally as Dog Shit Alley
then don't walk down it in the dark.
( FishNChimps Achtung! Spitfeuer!, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:16, Reply)

Make sure you back things up.
This applies to both computers and contraceptives.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:11, Reply)

Be careful who you talk to at the pub...
A drunk man's word is a sober man's truth.
(MuseMuse became self-aware on, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:11, Reply)

Weird but...
One that I find is helpful, "Hope for the best, plan for the worst".

Has saved me a few times when event management hasn't gone strictly to plan... Also quite helpful about enjoying things knowing that you've got it all nailed down should the worse happen.

Another version of this is "I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?"
(Helo, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:07, Reply)

A post below of the Sunscreen song reminded me of this
www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YwqFz14xY4

Full lyrics here, but my favourites:

Learn how to smoke Winnie blues. If you're underaged, get an older kid to buy them for you. Get to really know your parents - they're good for
money.

If you're worried about the way you look, try to remember you're
probably fatter than you think. Maybe you should consider an eating disorder.

Remember you can wear your underwear 4 times without washing: forwards,
backwards, inside out forwards, inside out backwards.

Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when you're kneecapped by a loan shark.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:06, 1 reply)