Not my secrets but it did cause severe psychiatric trauma to me.
As a sideline, I repair and upgrade computers. Natrually, the very first thing I do when a computer is switched on is do a search for *.jpg to see what flavour porn the owner is into. Anyway, my ex-wife of 15 years was having trouble with her ADSL modem, so I said I'd have a look. By habit I did the search thing, while I was sorting out the problem. Fixed it, closing evrything, then I remembered the search, so I had a quick look.

(a quick reminder to everyone - when you use Kodak Easyshare software, that as well as downloading the pictures from the camera into the My Documents/My Pictures/Kodak Pictures folder, they are also placed in C:\Windows\temp)

A total of 68, 2304 X 1728 images, taken on self timer of the ex doing various masturbatory things, with some quite close up views. Apparently, they were for a personal ad that her current husband was unaware of.

Unfortunately, time hasn't been kind, plus the additional 30kg and the fact that when you are pushing 50, gravity has a way of catching up with you.
(goober, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 11:06, Reply)

Oh my..
As we all know, Mozilla is awesome for the amount of extensions you can get. Especially one which remembers the last web-page you were on when you re-open the browser.

Before I have to leave to go work at Shitsbury's, I decide to have a tommy todger while reading some saucy stories.. I shoot my load then it's time to get to work.

My mum picks me up, waiting in the petrol station she says - "I checked my emails today and saw something quite disturbing!".

Turns out she snuck onto my already turned on compter, opened up the browser only to be greeted by "female masturbation stories" on the screen!

Now she's quite old fashioned so she gave me the whole 'Women aren't objects' speech.

By this time I didn't care because I had my mouth round a petrol pump and getting ready to swallow a lit match..

Mothers are the best.
( stereo_world has decided not to eat your photograph., Mon 13 Feb 2006, 11:06, Reply)

When I went out...
...with my cunt of an ex-girlfriend, I made her this nauseating jpg saying something like "Claire is lovely, she has a lovely bum" or some retarded fucking gay shit like that and put it on the desktop as a surprise. She loved it, we laughed, fucked etc...

Anyways, about a fortnight later my computer broke down and so my father and I tried to get it working and to my horror, the thing appeared as our background. Serves me right for being a total pricker I hear you cry - and, you'd be right!

Now, to avoid embarrassment, I maintain a strict policy of neutral desktops, like scenic lakes or double-ended dildo incest porn.
(misteroz, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 11:01, Reply)

Party at mine
I had a party round my house when the grandparents i am living with had gone away. I invited round a bunch of mates who mostly happened to be female, a couple who were ex-gf's but still on very good terms with. One of said gf's knows my password for computer as i hadn't bothered to change it, not knowing she knew it. Me going between downstairs and my room trying to keep the music down to a suitable volume and discovering that my ex and a bunch of friends have kindly been searching through my porn because she knew my password. Looking through pictures, videos and anything else that was there. What made it worse is that my mate had recently asked me to store all his hard drive temporarily on my pc due to reformatting his. I couldn't get near the pc to turn it off either! I had to go into another room and remote desktop turn it off.

Still, can't have been too bad or weird content, i since went out with a different girl from that party and have been with her for a long time since.

*pop* - first post
( MadAdamUk was last alive on, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 10:49, Reply)

WMP is a grass
A good old while ago, one of the B3tans here posted a vid of a lapdancer in a Star Wars scene. It was woo and I showed it to my brother. My brother thinks it ace and decides to show it to my stepdad whilst I am downstairs.

Unfortunately, I hadn't cleared out my last playlist from Windows Media player and the first sight that greeted them was a girl called Holly shoving a 9 inch speculum up her hairy growler.

That was a difficult one to talk my way out of. Needless to say they didn't believe a word of it.
( Kroney, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 10:26, Reply)

Further crimes to be taken into consideration
In my early days as a main-frame computer operator, I had a hot thing going with one of my female colleagues.

We found a "talk" facility on the system where we could send one-line messages to each other which would appear on the bottom line of our work-station screens.

So we did, often.

It was only after a couple of weeks of this that we were both taken to one side by the programmers and informed that the "talk" facility goes through the central console screen, and they could see every single message we had sent. Especially the one in which I expressed a desire to shoot red-hot spunk on her tits.

Furthermore, the central console log was printed off every day and handed to the IT manager for his private inspection, which, thankfully, he never, ever read.

They thanked us for the free entertainment and sent us on our way.

Did I learn from this? Answer: What do you think?

[Linky goes to story of impressive girth, length. Apologies only for shameless blog pimpage.]
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 9:34, Reply)

Autocomplete on Dad's computer
In spite of knowing the erase history functions, there's still a window of opportunity to see addresses using autocomplete. I caught the names of "newbienudes" and "teensex" on my dad's computer. I never went farther then viewing the addersses, and as long as it's not saved on the computer it's all right with me.

I teased him about it (turns out he dosen't even know the phrase "kiddy porn") and left a note.

The next weekend, my dad had changed the password and refused to tell me or mom what it was or make a guest account. Serves me right, I guess, taking away the few pleasures the ill man has!

Edit: He also just got a web cam. I can only hope he dosen't become a camwhore...
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 9:20, Reply)

Caught with my pants up
On a message board discussion, my friend was annoyed with the topic, so he posted a picture of some very robust men pleasuring each other and possibly wearing hard hats (but I only looked for a split second).

A short while later, I was in an Internet cafe in Korea, sitting right next to a group of young boys (maybe between 9 and 11). Up pops the picture. I quickly scrolled away, but one of the kids saw it. He obviously didn't know what to think of it, but it didn't offend him. Instead, he suddenly became curious with me. I switched computers.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 5:58, Reply)

Lesbian Clit Biters
Being a freelance web designer, I use the internet at several convenient locations to do my work. One of those places is my mothers house, while she herself is at work elsewhere.

My mother came home one day and settled in to watch television, and noticed a glow coming from her office room, where on her screen was a couple pages of a website called Lesbain Clit Biters. She proceeded to browse around these pages to form her opinion of the content.

She then called my voicemail to relate her story and say that she thought the girls were really skinny, and couldn't get why I would be looking at something where they were so obviously "faking it".

My wife was the first to hear the voice-mail message.
(crumpled, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 5:16, Reply)

Annoying
When you type in a URL in most web browsers, it tries to be helpful and show you things you've typed before. It's especially bad if you're checking Hotmail because there are quite a few disreputable sites starting with "hot." If you do a lot of surfing it gets worse. At the peak, I could click on a text box and type any letter, and it would come up with something highly suspect. EDIT: ...autocomplete list? That's what it called? Can the thing be turned off?

Once I was at the radio station where I volunteered, and I was checking out my Dot.TK account. I noticed in their list of new pages that one was called something outrageous like animalpornstars.tk, and thinking this site wouldn't ever support that, so it must be a joke, I clicked on it. No bestiality, just a cascade of hundreds of pop-ups. With no privacy around me.

I used to go to a computer lab in the basement of the university's law building every day because I didn't have Internet at home. I used the same computer, and at some point I discovered that someone else who uses the computer regularly in the morning has particularly striking taste in porn. Because it had already be looked at, I figured there was no harm in refreshing old pages that were discovered earlier.

SpringySunshine: Maybe you don't know your Star Trek, but Hoshi Sato was a female character.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 4:15, Reply)

"Butch, leather-clad bikers fucking"
A couple of years ago I was at my uncle's house. I desired some music to my taste, so went about downloading a few songs. Upon trying to locate them in his shared folder I saw an mpeg file titled "butch leather-clad bikers fucking". This was one of many gay porn files.

My computer is free of any smut. I'm smart enough to delete it.
( Fictional Emma, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 1:35, Reply)

Last one for now then
At school, there was a massive clampdown going on on the new network the school had installed at great expense (which the headmaster obviously never realised would have to have its hardware updated almost yearly), due to the overwhelmingly large number of emails sent to the entire school saying things like 'bum,' or 'Borland fancies Mrs Drummond'. And porn, because teenage boys are resourceful little wankers (hence the reduction in the number of computers in the lockable room in the sixth form centre), and during this clampdown someone thought it would be funny to send a shitload of donkey porn to my email account, which I would get into trouble for apparently.

Unfortunately my best friends little brother has the exact same name as me, so they had to pick the right one from the email list, so they had the pick of 'thePontificator' or 'thePontificator (S1)'. As i was in S3 at this point, they chose the latter. Unfortunately someone at the computing dept. had got as mixed up as they were and labelled my email account as the S1 one.

Confused? Everyone fucking was. He got a stashload of donkey porn, I got emails from 1st year girls telling me they fancied me.

Either way, he won, especially after explaining to the computing department that being sent donkey porn by email was not the same thing as actively looking for it yourself.
(thePontificator, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 0:58, Reply)

Suddenly started remembering tons of these
On the network in my hall of residence in 1st year it was clear quite a lot of people didn't know how the network worked, as they left all their files open to sharing. Cue incredibly slow computers for these people as everyone helped themselves to all their music and films that were any good.

One girl found her computer unbearably slow so she took a lot of music off it (halfway through my taking some of it off her as well), but still it wouldn't speed up. She eventually discovered that it was because she'd left her whole hard drive open for viewing for the whole network, including the massive collection of nude photos someone had taken of her, which revealed everything.

What I found most weird was that I was in the year below her at school and recognised a few pictures with her ex in the background, a guy who was in my year, who I had always associated with the word 'cunt' anyway.

She was a really nice shy person though, which made talking to her afterwards even more embarassing.
(thePontificator, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 0:48, Reply)

A few of these come to mind...
Recently the football team went on a drinking binge/cultural excursion to Budapest, and the hostel we were staying at was essentially some guy's house they'd done up with bunk beds, so as revenge we set the hostel computer's home site to www.lemonparty.org. (NSFW for those who don't know)

Well, when I say 'we', I mean 'I', and I didn't tell anyone about it. And when I say 'I' I mean I got Kev to do it because I was too drunk to read at this point, let alone in Hungarian.

Cue my old roomate going online to check his exam results at 7am, waking up the receptionist while doing so. The first thing the receptionist saw was Andy online looking at naked old men sucking each other off.

For some reason they didn't change it back.
(thePontificator, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 0:39, Reply)

Columbine
Amongst the weird ideas my friend glen/edlismage and I came up with (including filling our school with Industrial Lemon Jelly, which sadly fell through on realising we wouldn't be able to sustain a temperature of 3C and have enough time for it to set)was an idea to "Columbine" the school (as a joke-obviously). We were so adamant to get the job done before we left school, that we typed into google during our ICT Lesson "Site where I can buy a Kalashnikov so that I can massacre my classmates". Slightly unorthodox in a situation which requires alot of care and detailed planning. Anyway, our balding ICT teacher didn't seem all too happy when he spotted out searchings on the school server. Cue menacing looks, Hostility, wearyness and "therapy" like sessions (well for me anyway) On another note, I was also done for www.queen.com when i was 8 (by the school again) because i thought it was a wrestling website. I nearly got expelled. Oh dear.
(PensocraticA, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 22:54, Reply)

A friend in Edinburgh
went away to see his girlfriend at the weekend. He had a new flatmate who he didn't know too well, so he made the new guy promise not to trash the flat with a big party.
On Monday, he came back to find his room wasn't quite as he'd left it. He asked the other flatmates, had Sean thrown a big party and then tidied up? No, they'd been there all the time, no noise, no friends round. A little peturbed, but reassured, friend boots up his computer and starts typing in google. Got as far as www.g, before IE autocompleted to "grannyfanny.com"

Needless to say, the flatmate was asked to leave soon after..

ps - No, I'm not sure if that is still/was a real website (this was 1998), but I am sure as hell not looking at it to find out.
( expf, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 22:42, Reply)

Stupid Computer
My girlfriend left me so I called up another girl, invited her over, fucked her and took pictures of it. A few months later, the girlfriend and I got back together. All goes well for a few months until girlfriend is looking for old pics on my computer. She opened up search and just plugged in ".jpg", needless to say all of my porno came up, which is no big deal, the problem came in when the girlfriend realized that there were a dozen pics "hidden" in an odd directory. Upon further investigation, she realized the pics were of me and some other woman. I couldn't deny it, the pics were time and date stamped, not to mention my tattoos are clearly visible in the incrimnating pics.

I've now learned to delete the file extension on things I don't want her to accidently stumble across.
(scarsfromknives, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 20:04, Reply)

Gay Porn Payment Discovered
I was on my way to abroad study abroad for 6 months, and I owed some money to a friend. I fired up the browser, and used the bank’s website to transfer the money to his account. Since I had the opportunity to include some text with the transfer, I of course had to add something funny: “Payment for gay porn” seemed appropriate.
However, I wanted to make sure that he saw the text, so I also checked the “Notify account holder of transfer by mail.”

What I didn’t realize was that I was the “account holder”, and that I was having my mail forwarded to my parents for the next six months.

3 months later, I come home for a visit, and gather my mail. I noticed the open letter from the bank, laughed out loud when I saw the “Payment for gayporn” note...

My mother seemed less amused and brushed it off with a “Oh, I didn’t even notice that…” something which is clear evidence that not only did she read it, but also worried for 3 months how I was making money abroad - and in Holland.
(Sorry for length - the boys like it...)
(crazy-c, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 20:03, Reply)

Bang to rights...
...rumbled by my own parents with the damning words "What the hell is 'MILF porn'"?

Any road up, the door swings both ways. If you've got a referrer tracker on your website, there are hours of endless fun to be had seeing what people have googled to reach your site.

My own personal favourite: "Lesbians getting fucked hard in a porno movie whilst looking at turds".

That must have been the article I wrote about lesbian turd-watching porn, obviously.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 18:46, Reply)

Ooops
In my old student hovel my girlfriend lived in the next room and we had her printer networked so it could be used by everyone.

One bright summer morning I woke up with the horn (as you tend to do quite regularly when you're 19. My gf had gone to Uni so I proceeded to fire up Captain Internet and His Smutty Minions for a bit of self-abuse. Job done, I went back to bed for a little while, only to be woken by an angry young lady knocking on the door demanding why I had printed bunnyteens tgp off her printer! I must have done it by accident and not noticed. Certainly wasn't the best of days.
(Wide, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 18:34, Reply)

Not me o' course
Having had the sole PC in a house of completely computer illiterate people, i never had any probs keeping the naughty stash hidden. However, a mate of mine had a father who was very much PC savvy. As such, one time around his house I found a lone un boxed CD amidst his music colelcton, with a set of four greek letters daubed on it. I wasnt sure what amused me more - That he had had to label the CD to remind himself of its contents, or that he'd attempted to be doubly cunning and label it 'pron' =]
(GingerDemon, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 18:02, Reply)

Almost repressed memories
I inadvertantly came out to my Granddad and my 11 year old cousin when I was showing off my spangly new PC. I started up Media Player, to be greeted with a huge list of lesbian porn in the playlist.

My cousin, being the sex obsessed little pervert that he is, immediately ran off to tell my assembled family while I sat and went bright red. It wasn't a shock to my parents, who knew, but it certainly was to my aunts, uncles and other cousins.

It was my 18th birthday.
(sporky, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 17:53, Reply)

Organ duets
A friend of my wife (call her Mrs A) was happily married - to a church organist (Mr A), as it happened. They were still in touch with several friends from university... including another girl who also happened to be an organist.

So Mr A would regularly go off and practice organ duets with this girl.

One day Mrs A was using the computer, and opened up Mr A's copy of Outlook Express... only to find a whole series of graphic e-mails to and from the other organist. Turns out that organ duets really did mean 'organ' duets. Just not the sort that you can really perform in church.

The funniest thing was listening to my wife on the phone as Mrs A told her all of this: "He didn't... Never... What, you mean...? ... With a melon?"

(ps ScottFree: still working on it... but as Rob Manuel used to be a Robot PD customer I thought it only fair to return the favour by posting comments on his luvverly website)
(ChaRleyTroniC is invincible with his chips and cheese, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 17:17, Reply)

If you're curious...
Just ask to check something on you're mates computer, and then just type in 'www.a' and you may well be confronted with a huge list of pr0n sites beginning with 'a'(the ones I remember being 'asstraffic', I've tried this, it was lhilarious). try every letter, you can see all their favourites...I'm not quite sure how to manipulate autocomplete properly, but when I do...!
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Sun 12 Feb 2006, 16:28, Reply)

Not very interesting, but...
last year my school was the proud owner of several sets of wireless internet laptops, which they thought would be a brilliant idea to give to a class of year 11 students to do their RE coursework on. RE, pfft. I spent the entire lesson swearing at the paperclip and giving it some rather odd commands. Turns out that the technicians watched everything you sent and locked me off the school network for a week.
(and now for someone completely different, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 15:57, Reply)