Pouring salt on slugs and snails
Having done our garden from scratch last year and filled it with lots of expensive plants I get most offended when those bastard gastropods destroy them so I take a sordid delight in sprinkling salt over them and watching them go all spastic and foamy. If you listen carefully they also sometimes make a little hissing/gurgling sound too.
How the long summer evenings just fly by...
( BobbyParadise, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 12:55, Reply)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
wen im drivin my car i love to scream really loud at people i pass. or i blow a whistle. its great i made an old lady duck for cover once! i nearly crashed coz i was pissin my self with laughter.
(mcintoish, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 12:46, Reply)

Wanking aside,
I generally spit in the loo when I'm having a piss and always press the lever before I finish and end up racing the flush.

When people ask directions, but don't say "please" I reply:
"I am sorry, but if you cannot afford me the common decency of saying 'please' then I am afraid I cannot accommodate you.", tipping my hat and wandering away. (I sometimes do this even if they have said please)

Climbing over cars who stop on Zebra crossings

Pulling up in the car, calling people over to ask directions and then showing them the stuffed gorilla and saying "I've got a gorilla"

Loudly saying "you're welcome" to anyone who doesn't say "thank you". This has only once turned into a confrontation, thus:

He(irate): "What did you say?"
Me: "I said 'You're welcome'"
He(irate): "Why did you say that?"
Me: "Because you said 'thank you'"
He: "I didn't say 'Thank you'"
Me(camp):"How rude!"

I like to write long, boring posts, just so that people have to read all the way through them to realise that they are dull (I don't know you, why should I care if you think I'm funny?)

Oh, and I'm habitually cruel to animals.
( Lord Manley of Ven www.justgiving.com/manley - please?, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 12:46, Reply)

mwahaha
in a traffic jam, all the cars gridlocked and i'm on my cz 125 dl motorbike, i get up a bit of speed, slip it into neutral and give a royal wave with my left hand as i'm speeding ahead of all those gas-guzzlers.

also watching comic relief with my 32inch dolby surround sound and lay-zee-boy leather couch and feeling slightly hungry
(5ifty0, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 12:40, Reply)

The Wombles
Very occasionally I like to put on my Wombles record (yes, vinyl!), 'Keep on Wombling' and sing along loudly to all the songs. Then, when it gets to 'Hall of the Mountain Womble', I walk round and round in a circle in time with the music until I get dizzy like I used to do with my brother when I was 5 (25 yrs and a bit more ago). You're not allowed to stop walking until the song has ended but then you get to giggle like a loon and enjoy the spinning headedness.

And I love to run through huge piles of leaves or big puddles and see the reaction on people's faces as a sensible looking thirty-something woman goes past at full throttle scattering vegetation or splattering water then slows down to a walk again as though nothing happened - usually only do that when with friends though, I'm not a complete madwoman...
( moonspoon blowin' free, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 12:03, Reply)

that reminds me
The other day I got a call saying Id won a free holiday. When I told the young man that Id rather stick my dick in a sausage slicer than go on his stupid fucking holiday he was quite shocked. His response was "You dont want a free holiday?" at this point I got tired of talking to him, so my response was "why dont you go on the fucking holiday?" before hanging up.
(nutsgeezer, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 11:47, Reply)

walking
across a crowded car parks with my keys in my hand and people in cars watching were im parked so they can have my space. usually i have parked somewhere else but its great to watch then scrammble around the car park.

When a telesales phone up my house usually for double glassing, i tell the yes tell me about it, and gently put the phone to one side as they go off into their sales patter and i go ona about my day

when credit card companies send their junk mail i save it till i get one from a rival company swap all the info over and send them back to them in the pre paid envalope.
(funkie, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 11:21, Reply)

arf ARF
Just remembered one. I like to, when pottering around in the comfort of my own home, sing songs to myself as if I'm a dog. I walk around going "arf arf ARF arf-arf-arf-arf" and so on.

I didn't even realise I did it out loud until, one day, I'd forgotten that my girlfriend was in the flat, I start "arf-ing” away and she shouts from the other room "is that you barking?"

Luckily she found it mildly appealing.
(skitster, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 10:43, Reply)

Where are they?
I love to reply to the where are they? columns in papers where people try to track down lost members of family or friends to give people false leads.

Haven't seen your Uncle Bert from Brighton for a few years, very sorry, died in a freak auto-erotic asphixiation accident three year ago...
(Let's all have an asbo, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 10:22, Reply)

Secret Race
When doing any kind of physical exercise with the girlfriend i like to have a secret race.

If your out walking or cycling or something you just get a little bit ahead of them and make sure you stay there, but on no account do you let your partner know that the race is on or even the concept of the secret race. If they work it out then you've lost but if you manage to keep it up and get where ever your going first then you can be safe in the knowledge that you've beat the pathetic loser fair and square.
(dmg, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 10:13, Reply)

All the other telesales ones reminded me of this-
True story. I remember it word for word.

Telesales (male indian accent): Hello, is there a [dad's name (my dad's been divorced for about 12 years now)] there?
Me: No sorry, he's dead.
Telesales: I am ever so sorry. (in the most insincere tone) What about a [mum's name]?
Me: She's dead too. Funny story really; they both were crushed by the same steamroller. Well, maybe not funny. Tragic. Yeah, that's the word.
Telesales: I am ever so sorry. Is there anyone over 18?
Me: Nope. Just me. Alone. No-one to love. Every night I eat a cold can of 12p beans and cry myself to sleep.
Telesales: Err.. err.. sorry... err... [pause] can I interest you in changing your telephone company?
Me: To ring where? HEAVEN? *sob sob sob*
Telesales: Err... errr.. umm... err... goodbye
*beeep*

I am a sick fuck. :)
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 9:54, Reply)

S'not funny
For about 10 years now, my nose has been subject to EBB (excessive bogey buildup). This results in bogeys about an inch in length that have grown overnight through the nasal passages. Picking them out can be hard work but but the "yielding" feeling I get when I finally thread one out is very satisfying.
In fact, so diverting can this be that one night I managed to crash my car while coaxing out something from my nose that looked like a length of rotting seaweed.
I rolled it up and hid it before the ambulance arrived.
(mudskipper, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 9:11, Reply)

Really guilty pleasures
Arson: Burn, baby, burn.
Mayhem: The intentional disfigurement of another
Extortion: Money for nothing.
Animal Harrassment: Nothing too violent
Assault: I'm going to shag you.
Battery: A little touchy-feely.
Theft: Kicks for free.
Drunk driving: Well, I made it home. Now where's the Morris?
Hit and run: I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date.
Chavicide: Doing society a favor.
Product tampering: Don't like it? Don't eat out.
(Lister, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 8:45, Reply)

I must be abnormal...
but i can only admit to picking my nose, belching and farting.

then again i do those things when there are other people around.

however before i completely move out of my old flat, if there's no one around i might have to relieve myself in the pot plant in the living room. and the orange juice in the fridge. and the washing machine. and anywhere else i can think of between now and Friday.
(squirrelysquirrel, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 8:36, Reply)

dutch oven
lying in bed & farting under the sheets......

im also a flight attendant and when we land I loooove to say "we made it" - the look on passengers faces is always priceless.
also on long haul, business first, we offer a breakfast service prior to landing and ask if they would like to be woken up for it.
I enjoy to wake up the passengers - especially the grumpy ones whom you know changed their mind because they are passed out from the alcohol.
(nightdream, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 6:26, Reply)

Comfort blanket
I'm sleeping with a married man, and he loves to cum over my tits, so after he has done the deed he wipes me down with a towel.. That night I will always go to sleep with the towel so I can smell it and remind myself of the dirty sex I've just had.
(plateau, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 6:15, Reply)

sniff
I loooooooove the smell of my man's body odor. Whoever my man happens to be at the time. It's so human and masculine and...stinky.

I also always spit in the toilet after peeing and I adore 70s mellow hits when I'm driving alone.
( salamander, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 3:03, Reply)

Driving round the red light district
stopping, then asking excited whores who think I'm about to make their dreams come true with my amazing sexual prowess which way the city centre is. Obviously this only works every so often, cos some of them remember my car/face and get grouchy.

Note: Angry, drug-crazed prostitues think nothing of throwing bricks at cars.
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 1:31, Reply)

SNEEZEING!
If you take a really good mouthful of dry ginger ale, then swallow it all in one go, the bubbles somehow throw themselves up your nose internally and make you sneeze. I fucking love that. Just today, I went to sainsbury's and bought 3 bottles for 99p. I also bought some chewing gum to push me over the £1 mark. So I've got a week of delectable sneezes, AND 2 nectar points.

Simple pleasures...

Oooh, I also love staring at the sun when it's really bright cos that makes me sneeze too. It's great.

Oh yeah, when I've got a normal sneeze coming, and I'm in polite company I like to really ham it up and shout the bloody thing out. Nothing more satisfying than a proper cartoon Waaaa-hooo sneeze. Marvellous. (apart from wanking, obviously)

Also, when I was younger I used to be really proud that I could hold my nose when I sneezed and perfect an almost perfectly silent sneeze. I stopped after that one time when I made my right ear pop (possibly literally) and my balance went to fuck and I just fell on the floor and felt like the world was falling over for about 10 minutes and couldn't stand up. Although looking back, that was quite fun too. Maybe I stopped cos of the terrible terrible headaches and loss of vision...

Meh.

No apologies for length, apart from this one.

Sorry.
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 1:26, Reply)

Utterly Childish and Pointless
I take great joy in bumping into people who wear camouflage gear - t-shirts, caps, trousers etc, and then apologising to them "Oh sorry! Didn't see you"

I've been doing this for over 10 years and nobody has got it yet. It pleases me no end.
( Strangey is present at, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 1:06, Reply)

Car parks
When I am in a busy shopping center and return to my car and find that there are lots of people driving around despratley trying to find a space, I take a great deal of pleasure in getting into the car, then after a minute or so getting out again to have a smoke, or even walk off again.

Or sometimes if I am waiting for someone I might be particulary evil, and reverse halfway out of the space and then pull back in, just to make sure the cars to either side have enough space.

I know, I am a git sometimes.

Eating hot chocolate powder, I do that too, got to be carful you don't breath any in or you spend the next half hour coughing and sneezing brown gunk.
(Mookfish, Tue 12 Apr 2005, 23:44, Reply)

Richest man in the universe
I often set myself challenges and bet that I can achieve them to win vast amounts of money.

Usually, when I'm pounding the streets, it's a case of getting to a particular lampost before a car on the road passes that same 'marker'. I'm not allowed to run although I do sometimes find myself walking fast if I don't think I'm going to make it.

It certainly passes the time when walking about and with bets in the range of 1-5 million at a time, the past 20 years have made me a very rich person indeed. I'm just not sure where I go to collect the money.

Jumping over the shadows of passing vehicles is pretty fab too.
(Finger_bob, Tue 12 Apr 2005, 23:28, Reply)

Rumourmongering
Going to drinking pits in some of our more colourful estates, then seeding vile semi-founded rumours about my enemies sexual preferences.

Telling the nice "salt of the earth" Folk where these enemies reside, is truley joysome, but oh so bad! Especially in two south coast towns, one a little more Taff than the other!
(Finn_coyote, Tue 12 Apr 2005, 23:14, Reply)

Soemtimes i worry about myself.
Iv had this fascination for since i was 2, im 19 now. Getting anything satin eg trousers tops, bedsheets and rubbing them on me. Best is when im wearing satin pajamasa and i can slide about my satin bedsheets. Im known to randomly cut labels of clothes in changing rooms and my frineds clothes so i can rub my fingertips with them, It literlly puts me on a ssorta hypnotised state.

Refusing to use nail clippers to cut my toenails but using a stanley blade becasue it seems more dangeous.

Claiming a half on the bus even though im blantantly not of the under 15 yr old variety. Its fun though when the bus driver is the really fit guy that i pulled in a club a few weeks ago, the look of fear in his etyes when he thought iw as 15 is enough to keep me amused for months.

I like harrasing tele sales people as well

Them: Hello is there a Miss StrangeKristine there?
Me: No She she went out for some milk
Them: Do you know when shel be bacl?
Me: Well that was four months ago so were expecting her any time
Them: Oh......

And making up lies to my credit card compnay to avoid having to make my monthly payment. So far my bf has died 4 times this year, iv been knocked down by a bus and my parrot has been at the vet 7 times. I dont have a parrot.

Smiliing in a ha ha i know something you dont know way, at a girl at work, who i hate cus she gets akk suspiciious then takes a hissy fit and cracks up.

Givivng people the wrong directionswhen asked.

Texting random numbers and seeing if they reply.
(StrangeKristine, Tue 12 Apr 2005, 23:09, Reply)

Winding up telesales people
who call me at 6-7pm every day. Well, yeah, I could opt for that whole call preferences service, but where's the fun in that?

Common examples of my tomfoolery :

Telesales person : Can I ask who supplies your electricity at the moment?
Me : I dont use electricity, I only have gas. Electricity gives me the fear.

Telesales person : Can I interest you in this amazing mobile phone offer?
Me : No, sorry, I dont like mobile phones. I only like normal phones.

Telesales person : Can I interest you in a new kitchen?
Me : No, sorry, I live in a shed.

etc. etc.
( The Neville What what what, Tue 12 Apr 2005, 22:51, Reply)

Eating the flavouring from Mild Curry supernoodles.
And oxos.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Tue 12 Apr 2005, 22:24, Reply)

Hmm..
Put me down for one of everything. Stairs are made to be crawled up, i pity anyone who stays upright while they climb them.

Has anyone else ever sniffed their own underwear in a horny rage? no?... er.. me neither..
(Clarky, Tue 12 Apr 2005, 22:05, Reply)

underoos
putting on underoos(little boy underwear, yes it fits me but im a very small girl)and dancing around my house to the lamest music i can find on my computer singing along, only in underoos and a shirt.
(g33kyizzy, Tue 12 Apr 2005, 22:03, Reply)

Bellybutton
Or to be more precise, sticking the (blunt) end of a ballpoint pen in it during boring meetings and sniffing the result. Sometimes there's a lovely meaty kind of aroma.
(rogerzilla, Tue 12 Apr 2005, 21:37, Reply)

My guilty pleasures...
Wearing headphones not plugged in to anything and listening to people's conversations on the bus/train.

Humming really tunelessly in a crowded room and seeing how long it takes before someone asks me to stop.

Standing really close to people I don't know to make them feel uncomfortable. They often move away with a slightly puzzled look on their face.

Sitting on the bus and holding loud conversations arranging terrorist acts on a switched off mobile. A favourite is to talk about blowing up the bus I'm on, pulling a worried face and saying "What, that soon?", immediately pressing the bell and getting off at the next stop. Even better is describing people on the bus to my imaginary contact on the phone, always calling them the 'target'.

Looking people through their windows - not doing anything dodgy, just the housework or watching TV.

Tapping strangers on the shoulder and walking off.

Pretending to follow people while furtively looking around.

Um. I think I've already given away too much about my personality. I make no apologies for length or technique.
(MooCow_Byter, Tue 12 Apr 2005, 20:14, Reply)