XBOX NEW QUESTION
YOOOOOOO!!
(Captain Give-A-Fuck #internetpals4eva, Fri 20 Jun 2014, 16:37, 1 reply)

void MassiveWasteOfTime()
{
    cout << "Blah, ";
    while(rand() > 0)
    {
        cout << "blah, ";
    }
    cout << "blah.\n\n";
    cout << "tl;dr: Fuck you.\n";
}
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 20 Jun 2014, 14:40, 1 reply)

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities. He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.

In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever.

He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again!Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl. Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen.

"What was that sound?" He asked. "What made it? Is it behind that door?"

The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. "You have to tell me what it is," he begged.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk," said the monk.

The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl."Please tell me what made that sound," he said.

But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.

The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk. "I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound." The head monk just shook his head.

"I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said."Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.

The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."

The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky. He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded.

"Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world."The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.The head monk heard his answer and nodded.

"Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation." And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me."

And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise.

But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

A boy was on his way to school when he saw the words purple passion written on a wall. He had no idea what they meant, so when he got to school and the teacher asked if there were any questions, he raised his hand. When he was called upon he asked ,"What is purple passion?" His teacher screamed at him to go to the principal.

The principal asked him why he was there and he said "When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me here." "What are the words," the principal asked. "Purple passion," replied the boy. The principal freaked out and expelled him and told him to get out of the school.

At home is mother asked him why he had been expelled, and he said "When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me." "What are the words," his mother asked. "Purple passion," he said. His mom turned red and yelled at him to go up to his room and wait for his father.

When his dad got home he said to the boy,"So I hear you got into a lot of trouble today. Tell me what happened." So the boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up here to wait for you. "Well, son, what are the words?" "Purple passion."the boy replied. His father exploded and kicked him out of the house.

As he was wandering around he ran into some friends. They said, "What's going on, man? We heard you got expelled and your dad kicked you out." So the boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out." "Wow, what are the words?" his friends asked. "Purple passion,"he replied. All of his friends jumped him and started beating him up until a bum came by and scared them off.

The bum said,"I just saved your life. Tell me why they were all beating you up." The boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up." "So what are the words," the bum asked. "I don't know if I should say" "Come on I just saved your life, don't be ungrateful,"the man remarked. "Okay, okay. The words were purple passion." The bum freaks out and starts beating the boy up until a cop comes along and breaks it up.
Source(s):
The cop asks the boy what happened. The boy says," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up." The cop said,"What were the words?" The boy replied,"Purple passion." "The cop put the boy into hand cuffs, beat him up, and took him to jail.

The next day the boy appeared before a judge. The judge asked him for his story. The boy said," When I was on my way to school yesterday, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail."

The judge said,"What were the words?" The boy said, "Haven't you been paying any attention? I'm not going to tell you." The judge informed him that he would get into more trouble if he didn't just say the words so he said, "Purple passion." The judge was appalled and sentenced him to ten years in jail.



Everyone was curious about their new cell mate, so they asked him what he was in for and he said,"When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him he gave me ten years."

Everyone was amazed at the story and asked what the words were. Sighing deeply the boy said,"Purple passion. He spent the next ten years getting beat up.

The day he was released he met a beautiful woman. She said,"You look like you've had a very rough time. What happened?" So the man said,"When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him he gave me ten years. All of my cell mates asked me what the words were and I just sighed and told them. I have spent the last ten years getting beat up."

"Oh that is just awful!" the woman exclaimed. "What were the words?" "Do you think I'm stupid!" exploded the man. "I'm not going to tell you the words." "Oh come on," the woman cooed. "I won't do anything to you." "Oh, alright. The words were purple passion." "Purple passion?"asked the woman with her eyes lit up. "Yes,"the man replied. "You see that hotel across the street? If you meet me there in one hour I will tell you the meaning of purple passion."

The man was estatic. He was finally going to learn what purple passion meant after all of this time. Once the hour was up, he set off for across the street in a hurry. As he stepped off the curb, he was hit by a bus.

The moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 20 Jun 2014, 13:39, 16 replies)

You're all fucking SHIT

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 20 Jun 2014, 12:57, 10 replies)

gerroffff!
This is the Worst QOTW ever.

Heckled enough?
(Mister_E_Meat was caught sniffing bike saddles at, Fri 20 Jun 2014, 11:20, 2 replies)

Taking it too far
Was watching a game of THE FOOTBALLS in which the opposition team was managed by one Iain Dowie. Now Mr. Dowie, bless him, is not exactly the prettiest guy* in football and so the crowd was giving him some stick. Fairly standard stuff, from the subtle "you ugly motherfucker" (to the tune of "you don't know what you're doing") to the more intellectual "he's an orc" (to "here we go") and "does Sauron know you're here" (to "does your mother know you're here"). Like I say, pretty standard stuff.

Amongst this high wittery one guy shouts out:
"Oi Dowie, you're more ugly than my ex-missus!"
Crowd chuckles appreciatively, ha ha, good one, ha ha ha.
"...and she was so ugly, I had to kill 'er!"
...ha h-, hang on what?

*Other uses of private browsing: not having an image search for Iain Dowie in one's browser history.
(An Inflatable Bearded Whumpus, Fri 20 Jun 2014, 10:49, Reply)

( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Fri 20 Jun 2014, 10:26, Reply)

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 20 Jun 2014, 9:10, 5 replies)

Another week of heckles II, then. Brace yourselves.

( Zuowan, Fri 20 Jun 2014, 8:29, 3 replies)

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 Jun 2014, 17:01, 4 replies)

I hope this question finishes soon.
Because it's shit.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 Jun 2014, 15:52, Reply)

all of you
Go on, fuck off, the lot of you.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Thu 19 Jun 2014, 13:54, 2 replies)

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 Jun 2014, 11:47, 9 replies)

Mornington crescent
amirite
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 19 Jun 2014, 11:12, 1 reply)

the South Americans are making a proper mess of my world soccerball trophy predictions
I'll barely turn a profit if they keep this up.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 21:03, 9 replies)

Sarah Millican was doing a warm-up for the Edinburgh Fringe a few years ago and was testing out some of her new material. Part of this was a section in the middle where she was talking about gender stereotypes. She asked several women in the audience for examples of things that men weren't good at and got the standard "multi-tasking", "commitment" and "ask for directions" responses, and despite the predicatbility of the answers she managed to eke out some amusing piss-taking. She then asked the men in the audience what sort of things /women/ couldn't do, and there was a lot of giggling and muttering before a chap in front of me put his hand up and shouted "brevity".

There wasn't much that she could say to that.
(luckybluecoat, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 18:41, 2 replies)

People in glass houses
www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiDXda1WjrA
shouldn't throw stones
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 17:33, 1 reply)

Oi... b3ta... why the fuck can't you calculate numbers of replies consistently?
You massive, number-of-replies-miscalculating cunt.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 15:30, 29 replies)

"Where are you from, mate?" he asked.
So I glassed him.

LOL!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 12:30, 5 replies)

An acquaintance was at a rugby league match and the legendary Ellery Hanley was playing.
Rugby league supporters generally well behaved types but on this occasion a supporter was a tad vociferous in his observation that the referee was a "black bastard" - obviously confused that if one is to question the referee's choices then "who is the bastard in the black?" is generally the posed question.

Unfortunately for the spectator his choice of words was overheard by Mr. Hanley. He stopped, looked into the crowd and apparently no words were spoken but the crowd as one unit stepped so that the miscreant was exposed. Some words were exchanged and all ended well but the man left with a smell of shit following him. Heckles, lol.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 11:56, 9 replies)

The comic shouted out "Anybody here from Scotland?"
To which the response was

"No - anybody up there with talent?"
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 11:54, 6 replies)

Someone shouted a one word heckle at me
"HIGHER!" I can't thank him enough, my best moment on a stage ever.
youtu.be/SMbrCYBIAu8
( mushybees NEBUSHI SHANGHUNG!, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 11:48, 3 replies)

For reasons I won't go into I was at a Deaf Social Event - fuck me those audibly challenged can heckle.
I assume it was heckling and not just escaped geese being slaughtered.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 11:47, 2 replies)

My dad had a loud voice and a range of statements he'd yell at the footy for comic effect
for example, five minutes into the match when the opposition player would foul one of our players, he'd bellow, "He's been doing it all day". That era's gone now, more's the pity.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 11:32, Reply)

when i was a young and naive 18 year old swipe, we went to the comedy store for a friend's birthday
being young and naive, we sat right on the front row. we thought we did well getting these seats, for we knew no better.

we came in for a bit of light ribbing, especially my then boyfriend oswald for having a stupid posh name and being in the army, but nothing too bad. i was v flattered when the skinny dude who did impressions asked me to meet him in the bar for a drink afterwards (i recognised him on tv a few years later - it was alistair macgowan) and all in all was having a great night.

then disaster struck. there was a sweaty fat man on the stage talking about catholicism. he pointed down at me and said, "this one in the purple shirt can come up and share my moral high ground any time she likes. she's gorgeous."

quick as a flash, my beloved boyfriend cupped his hands around his mouth and bellowed at the top of his voice, "HE'S LYING!!!"

cunt. people were laughing at me (and agreeing with oswald) for what felt like about an hour :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 10:15, 38 replies)

(Eukanuba, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 0:32, 8 replies)

Rubbish Heckling in the Bakery
I don't know if this really fits in with the question, as there was no comedy club involved; but here goes.

Many years ago, I worked the odd weekend on the night shift at a bakery.
It was pretty boring work, making up orders for the various shops and loading them onto vans (sometimes even getting to decorate the Chelsea buns with the jizz icing).

We worked hard most of the time but, sometimes, when the vans were out and the cakes were still in the ovens, we had time on our hands.

Now, being a bakery, we would often find the odd mouse. We used "humane" traps to catch them and would generally just put them outside.
We would, however, keep a pair back, sometimes, and race them. This involved building an obstacle course round the back storeroom and betting on our mice.

A straight race was pretty boring, so we would sometimes try to heckle our opponent's mouse by shouting and even throwing currents etc. at them, to put them off.

Anyway. This time I decided that there was no way that my mouse would lose and I went to throw a pound bag of currents on the other mouse. Unfortunately, I tripped and poured them on my mouse. It stopped dead, looked me in the eye, charged and bit me on the ankle.

To cut a long story short, I pissed off my own mouse.
( MyFrontFellOff ; his mouth full of teddies, urinating defiantly, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 0:19, 18 replies)