Tramps in Shepherds Bush
Not one but two tramp-related stories from the Bush, when I lived there a few years back.

Tramp No. 1: Picking toe-jam from his feet and adding it to the ciggie he was rolling, and then smoking it.

Tramp No. 2: Standing behind a woman in the queue at McDonalds, licking her hair. She didn't notice at all. As far as I know, he might still do it.
(RooTheGrockle, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:40, Reply)

Snot Eating Dog
Our dog used to love eating massive greenies we had hocked up. He would even catch them if you spat them out. One day after a heavy smoke we decided to fill an entire breakfast bowl with huge post smoke green snots. He lapped up the lot.
I feel queasy even now thinking about it.
(dedlymonkey, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:39, Reply)

Apeloverage: That worked.


In horribleness terms...

I was at a conference once when a german guy ran to the front with his USB memory stick. He had a video on it which would help illustrate the point that the speaker was struggling to make.

The video was an original (i.e. unedited) download of one of the Iraqi prisoner executions in which a man was beheaded with a large knife. The sound on the computer was turned up and the poor bastard's terminal screams and pleading were boomed around the auditorium at astonishing volume. Several people spontaneously began to cry and more than one had to go and puke. Cheers Mark, you fuckwit. Maybe a warning next time?
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:34, Reply)

I still have bad dreams...
... about a dismembered corpse I saw in a drifting down a river in the area I grew up in. I was even more disturbed to find out that it was someone I had met before.
(charliesays, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:32, Reply)

Those bastard French again
Not that I have a pathological loathing of them or anything (ok well, maybe a bit...but that's another story)...

I've already told part of the story of how at school, we were taken to France for a few days (seeing sheep's brain on your plate after you've just taken a bite is pretty horrific to start with).

As part of that visit, we spent a day wandering around Rouen doing 'activities' in pairs -- looking at the architecture, going into shops and seeing how much things cost, that sort of thing.

Anyway, eventually the time came to head for the rendezvous (see? Je speakie Frenchish, moi) point. We had to cross a wide, busy road so we found a zebra crossing, waited for a lull in traffic -- since no-one seemed to be taking much notice of us -- and crossed.

As we neared the other side of the road I noticed an old lady crossing, painfully slowly, in the other direction. Then, I glanced to the side and saw a car approaching at fairly high speed. He got closer and closer and I began to get worried because he wasn't slowing down. He must've seen her -- she was right in the middle of his lane -- but he just ploughed on without slowing at all and ran her down. She rolled over the bonnet (I can still recall the sound of her head hitting the windscreen) and landed in a heap in the road.

The guy screeched to a halt, leaped out of the car, ran over...and started swearing at the woman as she lay bleeding in the road.

I learned later that stopping for a zebra crossing is (or at least, was at that time) 'optional' in France. So presumably he was blaming her for the incident and the damage to his car.

We were mightily cheered up a few minutes later, though, when we told our (not well-liked) French teacher, who was French himself, about what had happened. He misheard us and for some reason thought that it was his son (who was also on the trip) who'd been hit. The sight of him running off yelling "Melveeen!" and waving his arms in distress still makes me chuckle, to this day.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:29, Reply)

One of the ones I haven't mentally blocked
Leaving a train station in Berlin, I walked out of the exit, turned left and looked right up the ringpiece of an old lady on all fours taking a piss. If that wasn't enough, I was treated to the sight of her skiddy knickers and sagging vadge. I also recall her slack old pink eye twitching in the sunshine.

Oh god.

On another note, I saw Jackass 2 last night and the sight of Chris Pontius drinking horse cum will go with me to the grave.
( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:28, Reply)

Oh dear lord, dear lord above
This is a story from my dad, and it is so gruesome it gives me an instant headache and the cold shivers whenever I think about it too hard. I shall begin.

My dad, for years, was a miner in our sleepy Yorkshire village. After working down the pit for years he worked his way up to the control room, which controls the washing devices used to clean the dust off coal (still a messy, noisy, dangerous job, but not *quite* as bad as being a miner proper.)

He used to regularly go into what I believe was called the pit face, which was the section being liberated of it's shiny bounty at the time. A tunnel would be dug directly into the rock, and steel props would be used to bear some of the load of the ground above, and these tunnels would be used for access between faces, and to the lifts up to ground level.

My dad was down there one day, talking to a guy, standing in the access tunnel. It's dark down the pit, and you only have the gloomy light on your hard hat shining on the other person's face to see who you're talking to.

Now, the props used to hold up the tunnel were steel, adjusted by a steel peg through holes in the prop. The pressure of the mass above must have bent the steel prop slightly, causing a peg to 'pop' out of the wall with the speed and force of a bullet.

Straight into my dad's friend's temple. Just under the rim of his hard hat. He was killed instantly.

My dad says one minute he was talking to the man, and the next the bloke looked wide eyed, as his brain oozed out of the other temple.

My dad was sick. But he continued working down that pit for another 20 years. Needs must. Family to feed. Jobs scarce.

Click 'I like this' if you think my dad is very, very, very brave to have ever stepped foot in a pit again.
(Northern Lovely, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:27, Reply)

I'm a nurse so...
...I've seen a fair amount of gore, bodily fluids and disgusting behaviour. The one that sticks in my mind is a couple whose house I visited when I was shadowing a district nurse. He was a schizophrenic heroin addict, she was an alcoholic/heroin addict. They lived in local authority housing and the nurse had to visit them every day to give them their medications. The smell in their house was unbelievable - there was crusted faeces on the walls and the ceiling. Their bedroom had a commode next to the bed overflowing with weeks-old vomit and faeces and it was all over their sheets as well. There was food covered in mould and maggots in their kitchen. They were both filthy and practically rotting in their clothes but they refused to have any kind of help with the house or their care. I felt most sick when I noticed that the lady was covered in love bites and had finger-shaped bruises on her arms. They'd obviously had rough sex on those filthy sheets.

Another vile thing I remember is a diabetic man who had regular leg dressings on his necrotic feet. Once I took off his old dressings and one of his blackened, rotten toes came off in my hand.

Thank heavens for latex gloves.
(Mary Mandolin still had it on, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:23, Reply)

I used to live next to a pretty rough pub...
...called, at the time, Fat Jacks on Histon Road in Cambridge.

One Saturday morning my housemate discovered, tucked just inside our back garden, a complete set of socks, trousers and pants overflowing with shit. Some drunken soul had obviously made it just few meters home before loosing control of himself and hand whipped the whole lot off in our garden before, presumably, wandering home wearing nothing but shirt and shoes and covered from arse to ankles in shit.

Nice.

We covered them in lighter fuel and burnt them.

Also, I couldn't get home one work night as armed police were surrounding the aforementioned pub. Some nutjob had his girlfriend tied up in a room and was threatening to burn the place down. Proper rough cunts in there.
(Mr. Partyhat, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:22, Reply)

Nappies and Maggots
Two stories spring to mind here. Apologies in advance for length.

Story #1: Several years ago, my dad used to live next door to a quiet elderly couple. They mostly kept to themselves, and nobody had a problem with them.

One day we heard a knock on the door. It was the old woman, looking rather nervous. She said her husband'd had an accident, and could we call an ambulance. My dad did so, then went next door to see what he could do. Some time later the old chap was being helped into an ambulance, and my dad returned.

Naturally I was curious as to what had happened, but my dad wouldn't say. This merely mad eme more curious and as we sat at the dinner table (probably the wrong place, to be honest) I kept asking him, but he kept replying that he "didn't want to talk about it".

Eventually my dad snapped, stood up, threw down his knife and fork and yelled "He showed me a nappy full of shit and blood! There, happy now?" and stormed off upstairs, leaving his dinner half eaten. To this day he still hates being reminded of it, and I can't say I blame him.

Story #2: Just a few weeks ago, the time to move out of my shared student house. I'd been living at home for the past few weeks anyway, so all that remained was to finish moving the things out of my room. When I got there however, I found that the last two occupants (the two lasses, especially the fat, lazy, obnoxious one who I hated) had decided to leave the kitchen full of dirty washing up and rubbish bags*, presumably thinking that I (being the last to leave) would deal with it.

'Bugger that,' I thought, 'I'm not tidying up their mess, but just for the sake of hygiene, I will move these bags of rubbish out of the kitchen.'

It wasn't too hard to move the bags to the wheelie bin outside, until it came to the bag inside the kitchen bin. My grandad was helping me with my moving, at it was he who had the misfortune to lift the bag out of the bin.

Coming into the kitchen I saw him standing there, holding up a bag, from the bottom of which was dribbling a horrible brown liquid onto the kitchen floor. The smell alone nearly made me sick, and then I saw the maggots dropping out of the bag.

We got rid of the bag, opened the windows, mopped the floor and used the best part of an air freshener can in an attempt to get rid of the smell. The landlord, when told what we'd had to deal with, was not happy with the others, and neither was I.

*The person in charge of putting out the rubbish had been one of the first to move out, and presumably the others had assumed that since they'd never had to do it before, they didn't need to start now. This means that the bag in the bin had been there for probably about a month. As I said, I wasn't there, so I've got an excuse. They haven't. Bastards.
(Uncle Comrade, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:18, Reply)

I'm such a wuss...
On my way from the train station to my job in London, many years ago now, a young mum walked past me in the opposite direction with 2 small and quite cute kids, a girl and a boy.

A couple of minutes later, over my (pretty loud) walkman I heard a blood-curdling* scream, the likes of which I hope never to hear again, and turned round to see the cute little boy under a Mercedes and his mum completely losing it.

A huge group of people appeared and lifted the car off him, and I saw him move so he wasn't dead, but I was traumatised. I thought of nothing else the whole day, and as soon as I got home I sat and cried for ages.

So, no funny there. Sorry.


*Utterly horrific - it was the singular worst thing I've ever heard, and nothing in any film I've seen has ever come close.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:14, Reply)

Pete Burns
and Jade Goody

and frozen home-cook doner kebabs in the supermarket
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:13, Reply)

Cats
My dad works for the pharmaceutical industry, whoring himself to the various multinationals. He was pushing one particular drug that inhibits the gastric reflux response ie. it stops you from spewing your guts up.
To really sell it, he had a video clip on his laptop. It featured a frontal shot of cat (ive forgotten the medical reason it had to be a cat) that was clamped to a board. The moggy also had the top half of its skull removed and electrodes wires placed on it's exposed brain. A large syringe full of a white milky substance was pushed into the poor puss's mouth and injected by gloved hands into it's stomach. The reflux centre of the cat's brain is stimulated and I watch as the cat vomits up the milk. The same cat is again featured after the drug has been administered, and this time, no chunder (though there is a fair bit of dribble). The whole time watching I was transfixed by the wide helpless pussycat eyes, and they continue to haunt me still.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:12, Reply)

A strange career
When I was a younger, and less fat harry, I lived in Bangladesh.

In Bangladesh begging was considered a career, and in order to improve their chances people woud have limbs removed, so there are many limbless (some have 1 removed, others all 4 down to stumps) beggers about the place who would clamour around you whenever you went out, which is pretty horrific and difficult to understand when you are 4. (and now to be be honest)

The strangest part of this story however, is the chap with only stumps, who would carry his begging container in his mouth, and roll up and down the main street in Dhaka... he was picked up at each end of the street in a rather nice car.

Made me feel better about the world for some strange reason.

Apologies for length, but happy endings could be in short supply this week...
(fatharry, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:11, Reply)

For those at Glastonbury...
Nothing is grosser than festival toilets at the end of a long, hot weekend. Yeuwww!

Also, was horse-riding many years ago in the woods. I was thrown from the horse and ended up in a pool of mud eyeball to eyeball with a decomposing fox. Nice.
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:10, Reply)

Joan Rivers

(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:08, Reply)

I was in Paris, near the Pompidou Centre,
and there was a woman in a hospital gown crouched in the gutter howling like a trapped dog. The thing that got me was her hair - it was thick and shaved down to about an inch long, but the line of stubble jutted down from the middle of her forehead and went right over her right eyelid and cheek, all equally thick and black. I only saw her for 20 seconds or so but spent the next couple of days thinking "what the fuck was that?"

A couple of years later in Lisbon I saw a homeless man with a growth coming out of his forehead which was so big it entirely obscured his face. It looked like he had two heads - a real one and in front of it a larger one that was actually a head-sized puss-oozing testicle. He wasn't asking for money or anything, just strolling about. I have no idea how he could either see or breathe.
( Zuowan, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:57, Reply)

*boilk*
I spent some time working as a video editor for a well-known broadcaster. I've seen my fair share of car crashes, firing squads, hangings and the red lumps that are left after a suicide bombing. I had to give it up as it was sending me mental.

The one that did it for me was a bomb victim at Algiers airport, blown in half vertically arse-to-tit, where I actually chucked lumps, deciding there and then my future lay in the written word.

You don't see any of that crap by the time it reaches your screens...
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:51, Reply)

can't think of anything I have seen in the flesh so to speak...
....but a good number of years ago I was emailed a video of a bloke nailing his bollocks to a table

didn't look too closely, but I think he may have ripped his knob off as well.

bleurgh

oh, and the video of that guy getting his head cut off. that was pretty grim.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:48, Reply)

My mrs. worked in a residential care home.
She walked in to one of the residents' rooms one day to discover him fucking his dog.
Male dog, apparently. That was the first thing i asked her.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:48, Reply)

That time of the month (rush hour)
A couple of years ago I was driving through Dudley which was horrific enough for me, but far worse for the unfortunate lady driving the PHS van in front of me.

As she turned sharply to exit an island (roundabout to those of you not from the Wild West Midlands), the drivers side shutter of her van opened spilling its contents onto the busy main road....

....its contents being those bins that reside in ladies toilets, into which are deposited used tampons and sanitary towels and yes, many of these escaped from their previously sealed and hygienic yellow plastic receptacle bastilles. They now lay scattered across the carriageway.

After I'd swerved around this bloody mess that resembled a recently blown up battlefield hospital, I looked in my rear view mirror to see the poor, unfortunate lady driver dashing in and out for the traffic picking up the jamrags by hand.

So not a good day at the office for her then.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:44, Reply)

ahem
B3ta.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:42, Reply)

An emergency dump...
One St Patrick’s night my mate and I went to an Irish pub and got totally bladdered on Guinness. There was a lock in and we didn't leave until the governor kicked us out at 4am. No night buses in those days and forget illegal taxis. Ok, so it’s a 2 mile walk home. About one mile into our drunken trek my mates belly rumbled like thunder and he knew he had to have a good shit right here, right now, couldn't hold it in, forget it!! About 100 yards ahead was an entrance to a towpath for the Duke of Northumberland River, so I told my mate to go and have a shit in the bushes on the towpath, no one will be able to see you plus you can wipe your arse in the river and I'll keep a look out from the bridge. So off he goes, drops his kacks and massive load into this bush at which point all we could hear was a chorus of quacking. A group of ducks in quite a rage came flapping out of the bushes covered in my mate’s smelly, stinky, black & runny Guinness dump. Even to this day I still can't look a duck straight in the eye.
(Flegg, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:40, Reply)

err
tubgirl is quite possibly the vilest thing i've seen, followed by some video of a squid exiting a womans vagina. (and yes thats exiting, not exciting. Edit: well maybe both, she sounded happy)

Used to work in a hospital so plenty of disgust to come if i get the time
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:37, Reply)

I can't think of any meself (I lead a sheltered life)....
...but me dad see's horror on an almost daily basis.

He delivers and installs medical equipment for the NHS within the elderly's homes. Every week I'm guaranteed to hear something truely mortifying from him, as the condition the elderely are allowed to get into is bizarrely unsupervised and quite literally fucking disgusting.

One such example was the old woman who answered the door to me dad, all quite polite and pointed him into the direction of the bathroom, to where he was meant to fit the commode. He opens the door and is greeted by the husband (who'se at a good old age) taking a shit and smiling at me dad, happy about his number 2 apparently.

Another was him turning up to deliver some medical equipment which was 6 months overdue, and unintentionally interrupting the recipeint's WAKE which was taking place in her living room. Half of the family went for him, even though he's only the installer and not the one organising the callouts.

Possibly the sickest one though was the granny who answered the door naked, while a few cats were idly licking her legs and feet. Me dad almost vomited over her there and then. He manages to convince her to get dressed before he and his very thick work colleague (disabled worker) walk in. The place apparently stunk of ingrown cat piss, and had a faint green glow (sounds like a Matrix sequel). While he's there he is offered a cup of tea, to which he manages to decline. His thick work buddy however says "yes please" and gets served up a cup full of cat hairs, which he still drinks regardless. It's only when the guy starts coughing up hairs that me dad's stomach starts getting really bad.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:36, Reply)

can everyone please read this?

This is apeloverage's Mum. He doesn't have any story about seeing a horrible thing, or even any puns to make this week. The fact is, he's been very depressed, because he hasn't gotten a story in the 'best of' for several weeks. It's a bit sad really at his age, but to be honest he doesn't have very much else in his life. So please, if you could all click 'I like this', I'm sure it'd mean a lot to him. Also, here's a picture of a kitten.


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:35, Reply)

All the time
I work in computer forensics, so unfortunately I see more than my fair share of horrific things.

Thankfully, if I happen to find horrific things, the suspect has rather a lot of explaining to do, and will probably be spending a large amount of time at Her Majesty's pleasure, having their arse used as a handbag.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:34, Reply)

My dog....
when i was young, used to eat the most disgusting things. He was a border collie/ cocker spaniel cross, and in all other regards was completely normal.
Here are a few examples of his culinary misadventures:

-I lived in the country and regularly used to go on long walks with the hound. This time, i was about 11, and desperately needed a shit. I crouched against a haystack and curled one out. It was a big one, and took me a while. The faithful mutt was watching me expectantly.
After the turd had made its exit, i stood up and looked for some doc leaves or something to clean my arse with. When i looked back, the dog was enthusiastically swallowing my large turd, wolfing it down jerkily, due to its heat. After finishing off this delicacy, he turned to me thankfully and tried to lick me.

-My cat was a mini psycho. About 12 inches long (not inc. tail) and about 7 inches tall, she was pretty small. But she used to kill and drag back rabbits much bigger than her. She'd leave them in the back garden for the dog.
The dog had an unusual way of eating them. Most animals would rip their prey into smaller bits and then eat them. Not my dog. He would start with the hind legs and try to eat it whole, crunching away as he went. To his credit, he could eat a whole rabbit this way. The most disgusting part of this (apart from the sickening crunching of the bones) was when he finally reached the head. Being quite a large bone, he would have to crunch away at the head for a while before he could fit it down his throat. While doing so, the eyes of the rabbit would regularly be squeezed out, sometimes dangling and being consumed with the head, sometimes falling off and serving as a dessert after the main course.
He would then invariably throw the whole thing up about half an hour later.
He never learned though.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:34, Reply)

Mangled froggy
One of the pumps on my koi pond wasn't working properly, so i took it apart to be greeted by this partially shredded and well dead frog.


suicide frog


Admittedly, not really horrific, but it made me scream like a girl as i wasn't expecting it, and caused me to continually dry retch when i had to get it out with some long nosed pliers, mainly as the legs made a funny popping noise as they dislocated from the body.

I think it is the 'hand' reaching out in a last 'help me' motion that makes it so moving.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:31, Reply)