Birth Certificates
Why? No, really, why? When I apply for something important like a passport, I need to show my birth certificate to the person at the counter. But, I'm standing there in front of them, in the flesh, obviously alive, definately having been born at some point. So why on earth do I need a certificate to prove I was born? Surely that's the one thing everyone can be sure about me, without my ever having to prove it. The fact that I exist should be proof enough that I have been born! I shouldn't need a birth certificate to prove it!!!
( Purple Martin is board sigless, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 23:59, Reply)

semitet
i think the joke in that one is that they are havnig a rhino show at all. your not missing part of the joke just taking it in the wrong context

apologies for chatting nii thi section btw
( Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 23:59, Reply)

Serial numbers for software
Why do a lot of computer games and software packages these days come with serial numbers? (or "CD-Keys") They ask you to type them in during the installation of the software, and refuse to install if you type in the wrong number. Now am I the only one who does not think this would be an effective way to stop piracy? I mean, if you can copy the cd, then surely you can write down a few numbers and letters? Come on, has this stopped anyone???

Also, what is with the microsoft Product Activation crap, it was bad enough when it was just Windows XP, but now everyone is doing it!

Makes me laugh, really...
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 31 Mar 2005, 23:57, Reply)

Kittens
It was my senior year of high school. Myself and three mates were heading down to the beach (Ocean City, MD) after our graduation ceremony.

On the way towards the Bay Bridge, we stopped off and picked up some brews and just outside the shop was a little old lady with a cardboard box full of kittens.

My buddy picked one up and said he was going to take it to the beach with us. Ok.

We make it to the Bay Bridge. Its a BIG bridge, and while we are driving over it, wouldnt you know it? The kitty takes a dookie right in the guys lap. He rolls down the window, picks up kitty and flings kitty out into the void.

My WTF moment? Wondering why on earth we weren't turning the car around to go get three more kittens so we could ALL chuck one off the bridge?! I mean, come on! WTF?

Sic Semper Tyrannis!

Sean
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 23:53, Reply)

Ring 2
When I was at uni, me and my flatmate rented Ring 2 (The Japanese original). We were both immensely stoned and there was a scene set at a harbour. I suddenly emerged from my semi-comatose state and piped up with:

"How long have they had boats in Japan then?"

Don't get me wrong - I'm not entirely stupid; I'd just never made the causal connection between Japan being an island and it having boats. OK maybe I am entirely stupid.
( krang, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 23:45, Reply)

Drinking Games
I like getting pissed so how come its a forfit?

I play to loose
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 23:42, Reply)

Further to "cheap at half the price":
"Back and forth" - this is the wrong way round. You go forth before coming back.
"Have your cake and eat it" - first you have a cake, then you eat it. This is a perfectly normal sequence of events.
"Head over heels" - again, this describes a perfectly normal situation.
(_Felix 's school of dance and occult sciences, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 23:41, Reply)

on Far side
"cow tools"

enough said

Larsons wind up I recon
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 23:38, Reply)

Why is it wrong...
...for men to wear skirts or dresses? There is no real logical reason for this!
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 31 Mar 2005, 23:35, Reply)

Comedians who don't tell jokes
Or make humorous observations, or sing silly songs, or do impressions, or even go off on surreal stream-of-consciousness rants. I am not talking about comedians whom I find merely "unfunny" (e.g Jim Davidson, Joe Pasquale,Mark Steele, Jimmy Carr, Jo Brand etc). I can appreciate at least these people are trying and can knock out some jokes with actual punchlines (even if they are crap).

I am talking about that odd-looking Mel and Sue couple who also seem to be on TV, sustaining careers by appearing on reality TV shows and panel games. Or Rhona Cameron. Or that one off the Fast Show who has made a career of saying "does my bum look big in this?" Many more whose names I have not bothered to learn. What have they ever said or done to justify having "comedian" as their job title on their passport? Recite one joke they have told. Worse still, when they get they bored of this, they decide to become novelists and people even buy their books. It always seems to be women comedians. Maybe it's a man thing.
(McFlooble, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 23:10, Reply)

Birdman
and his attitude have me internally going WTF.

Would never say anything about it though.
(logic2, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 23:05, Reply)

Chavs, scavs and kids.
1.Sorry just don't get it. Why would you want to dress and act like scum to be fashionable? I'm a trendy person who spends admittedly too much on clothes but at least all mine isn't just rubbish sportswear you can buy in Allsports.

2. I know this will get peoples back up but why should you get money if you DON'T WORK. I've worked since I was 14 and have allways taken any job available so why don't those scavy twunts in the doll queue GET A JOB it's not that hard.

3. Why treat kid's as kid's. I mean why do they need to read stupid books with lines like see spot run I never did I sarted reading with Enid Blyton and by school was on Michael Crichton and had read Lord of the rings. I mean kids are quite capable of finding ways to play without us we should make them LEARN.

Apoligies for length (I don't really care but got to say it)
(Birdman, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 23:01, Reply)

Setimret, you're REALLY overthinking the Far Side on that one.
It's simply...a rhino show.

Like a dog show, but with rhinos. The rhino is wagging his tail and wearing a collar like a dog...except he's a rhino. His master has just won a trophy for having the best rhino.

RHINO! It's not really a standard punchline joke, it's just a little slice of life. Albeit an unrealistic one.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 22:57, Reply)

more things I don't get...
1)My phone bill... for the third time in a row BT have managed to send me the red letter BEFORe the bill!!! (WTF?)

2) Why is there only one monopolies commission?

3) Why people would spend £38k and more on a car (I paid that for my flat!!)

4) Why my masculinity is questioned by every new group of males that i meet when they find out I drive a Ford Ka?

5) Why I'm driving a Ford ka.

6) why all the critics are giving mediocre reviews to the new Moby album, when I think it's the best thing he's ever done.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 31 Mar 2005, 22:53, Reply)

I'm gonna make enemies with this one...
Why do people think Winston Churchill was such a good speaker? Yes, he was the man for the job in WWII, we couldn't have done it without him; but the man took forever to say anything!

Could you imagine him ordering dinner at a restaurant? "I'll have the t-bone. Not the sirloin, or the filet, or the hamburger steak or the chicken or even the London broil. The t-bone. Not the ham. With veggies. Not the potato, or the chips, or the rice. Veggies. To quench my thirst I shall have not the cola, nor the water..."

Not like FDR who asked Congress to declare "wah" on the axis powers...
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 22:47, Reply)

Camel
I agree with you entirely!!!
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 22:45, Reply)

i don't understand
# celebrity culture

# why people spend so much on make up

# clothing - i just don't get how you are meant to make it look right.

# Also, why do they assume that anyone over size 16 only wants to wear frumpy crap. There are loads of people who are bigger than size 16 so WHY are there so few shops that sell the clothes and when they do they are crap?

# And another thing, why are the majoriy of womens trousers now made as hipsters, they aren't practical, comfortable, and in most cases they aren't flattering.

# Bras - why is it so damned difficult to get nice ones in cup sizes above C? Society (especially blokes) seems to think big boobs are a good thing, so why aren't they catered for, why does one of my bras look like some kind of construction project (it is a sports bra, mind, so in a way it is)

I'm pretty sure I missed out some lessons in being a girl, i hate shopping too, especially for shoes, I just don't get what people enjoy about it
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 22:41, Reply)

Everybody Loves Raymond
It's a popular sitcom, been on for ~10 years in (North) America. It's syndicated, which means you can see it ten to twelve times a day on a dozen different channels.

It's an old throwback to the comedies of the 70s where everybody shrieks and yells insults at each other. Everybody is stupid, selfish and whiny. It alternates between being brutal and maudlin.

I don't know anybody who isn't repelled by the show.

Yet it keeps coming back every year, topping the ratings.

WTF???
(cox2inhibitor, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 22:34, Reply)

Smokes! I can't believe you used my suggested topic!
Not only that, you misspelled my user name (don't ask what it means - you wouldn't get it (har har)) and made me look like a dense moron to the whole world! Points for B3ta! I've been trying that on my own for years, now it's a reality! Beautiful moments...

The Far Side I don't get is the one where a large woman is handing a 1st place trophy to a guy at a rhinoceros show, and the other contestants look mighty upset. Why? The rhino doesn't look like the judge, so that's not it. There seems to be a colar or something around the rhino's neck, so maybe it's really a cow in disguise? But Larson would have made that more obvious. The winning rhino has its tail swishing, and the others don't. Not a clue about that one. The winning rhino also has two horns to the other rhinos' one, so perhaps the winning rhino has "doubled the pleasure" of the judge? Not Larson's style, as twisted as he is. When the complete cartoons came out, I was hoping he'd explain it, but no such luck. Maybe it's just simply not funny.

20 years of chasing this, suppose I should just give it up and get on with my life?
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 22:33, Reply)

Several things that I don't get
1) Why is it retired people go to the supermarket on saturday mornings? They can go any day of the week, and yet when I need my groceries it's like fighting your way through a conga at the old peoples home.

2) people who overtake you on a small country road, just to end up one car in front of you!

3)People who flash their lights at you, because you are doing the limit and they want to overtake you, despite the fact that you're overtaking a row of caravans at the time and have nowhere to go.

4)People who think that just because you work in a call centre it automatically gives them the right to abuse you, rip you to shreds and question your parentage. And these people phone us!

5) Tony Blair, sorry still not got the joke.

6) Pasta, it looks like cardboard, then when its cooked it looks like soggy cardboard, then when you put a sauce on it, like soggy cardboard covered in sauce.

7) Why the Beta Band were never more succesful than they were.

8) Why after having re-read all the above, that I've suddenly turned into my Dad.



apologies, length, none etc etc etc
(you should know the drill by now, like Dustin Hoffman in marathon man).
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 31 Mar 2005, 22:27, Reply)

Dear WorkBoresMe,

No, the Americans bastardised the english language. =)
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 22:24, Reply)

Oh Yes
And Steve Wright on Radio 2. Does anyone really find him remotely amusing or are all those "love the show" emails he always reads out actually from his mum?
Egocentric wanker who's favourite music is his own voice.
I defy anyone to justify his existence, except him and his mum.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 22:20, Reply)

I don't get
mullets. What's the point of them? The hairstyle, not the fish.
( Fictional Emma, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 22:13, Reply)

I don't understand
Bradford. Previously I've lived in Barrow-in-Furness, Liverpool,Gloucester,Leeds,San Diego,Baltimore,Bromley,Edinburgh,Leeds again and now Bradford. I don't understand why this city exists. Any suggestions?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 22:05, Reply)

Comedy?
I just really cant understand why people think shows like The Office, The Royle Family, Early Doors, so on, are funny. I really dont. They're just..crap.

The again I dont like the more loved stand up comedians (Lee Evans, Peter Kay)
(Pigmash, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 21:52, Reply)

ron
Fellow programmer / techie at work (but 20 years my elder). He says "this is really difficult because blah blah" or "we can't / shouldn't do this because blah blah" or "this is really complicated because blah blah" and as soon as he gets to the blah bit I drift off, then he starts laughing Dr. Hibberd fashion, and I always feel obliged to grin rather than argue with him. Even though I always disagree and do things my way anyway. I certainly don't get him, or what he is laughing about.
( Chupacabra owes me ten quid, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 21:46, Reply)

Busted
Or McFly
Or why anyone would ever _choose_ to listen to tuneless pap.
(Worshipdubya, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 21:42, Reply)

Women ... ?!
But then it wouldn't be fun otherwise, now would it?
(FortyFour, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 21:30, Reply)

Things I don’t get:
Sex – but that’s beside the point.

Religious wars – Isn’t it just the same as kids in the playground fighting over who has the best imaginary friend?

Musical genres – Who gives a toss whether a band is industrial/thrash/grunge? Generalisations: if the group need someone else to write/sing/dance for them, it’s pop. If they write their own music and play guitars, it’s rock. If they write their own stuff, look scary and play their guitars fast, it’s metal. All else is irrelevant.

People who think a decent standard of living involves dropping out of school at 16 with no GCSEs (O-Levels in old money), having a few kids with different parents by the time they hit 20, then living their life on the dole splurging it on fake designer clothing, plated gold jewellery, pointless car upgrades and crappy food, and encouraging their offspring to follow in their footsteps!

Fashion – why the smeg should someone else tell me what to wear? I wear what’s comfortable, practical and what I think looks good. If someone is going to judge me on my clothing, I’m obviously a better person than them and so am entitled to pour scorn onto/patronise them.

Narrow minded people who think a person’s entire life can be guessed purely because of their job/clothing/taste in music/vehicle of choice/hobbies.

Car drivers who don’t realise there are vehicles on the road with less wheels than them. Motorcyclists are allowed to use public highways, please look for us as we are considerably more vulnerable than you cased in your metal box!

Drivers who think that the highway code applies to other people, who don’t realise the flashing orange lights on the side of the car are not just there for an emergency disco, who think that speed limits are merely something to aspire to, who crowd around the centre of two lanes so that bikers can’t pass, or who feel the need to share their music with us.

People who don’t use decent spelling/grammar. Those who are dyslexic or don’t speak English as their first language are obviously not counted, but for all other – what’s your excuse?

Apologies for height.

(NB I realise some of these points have already been covered, but once I started I couldn’t stop)
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 21:27, Reply)

In reference from workboresme
On a similar thread, I dont understand why people use the phrase 'suck my cock!' like its a bad thing. Used against people when they piss you off. Surely having fellatio performed is pleasurable!
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 21:19, Reply)