I like watching

actual rabbits having sex.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 7:08, Reply)

I'm only two people

short of a threesome.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 5:18, Reply)

Me too
I like watching Mrs Rabbits having sex with other women. And then joining in.
(fannyface, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 4:48, Reply)

Technically
I should be on the sex offenders register, my first sexual relationship was with a girl the same age as me (17). Only when we split up did I find out she was only 15. I was a bit annoyed about having been lied to, but the wierd thing was that I had met her mum and dad and they hadnt said anything, and her dad was a copper! Oh well, that was years ago.

*listens for knock at the door*
( JimmyD I let my best ideas go to waste, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 1:53, Reply)

Is it just me

or has anybody else seen Randomgazz's picture and thought, there's a kiddie fiddler here amongst us?
(Lt Columbo, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 0:25, Reply)

I always get told I look like a nonce in photos.

( Randomgazz, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 23:20, Reply)

Depends on your definition of a perv I suppose
Some people think that I'm a perv because I like watching Mrs Rabbits having sex with other women. And then joining in.

If you think that this is totally normally behaviour, click 'I like this'.

If you think this is pervy......get a life and try it at least once.
(tell me about the rabbits, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 22:47, Reply)

Seagull
Not me but a story I heard about while in College in Swansea. The rugby lads from Gorseinon college were out on a raucous piss-up in the glamarous Kingsway and one of the number was called "Seagull", which they made sure they put in every sentence directed at him. He was visibly distressed by this.

On enquiring as to why, it turns out that he got quite drunk on a post-game drink. He then proceeded to divulge to everyone within earshot that he once had a wet dream after dreaming he was shagging a seagull.

Still... they may as well earn their chips somehow.
(Hey Jonny, Park! Fluffeh Pleece, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 22:22, Reply)

This is a true story related to me by a man shrouded in mystery. Its about his fetish for the right breast.....
It all started when my wife found a cancerous tumor in her left breast, which she lost after surgery to remove the tumor. The sight of my wifes chest after the operation may have been a turn off to most men - one flacid breast erupting from her chest opposite a crinkly mass of scar tissue - however i found it very arousing, it was if the loss of the left breast had heigtend my appeciation of the right.
Fortunatly my wife understood my little paraphilla and recently invited some of her friends from her post op trauma group run by the hospital. Slowly they all got undressed and the "right only" women tied up the only "left only" woman and placed her in front of a mirror so she could see what she should look like, then they milked the breast into a cup in the shape of a breast that i made before hand from papermache, then all the women drank from it to cleanse her of her bad blouse bunny.

P.S I promise I'll stop going on about right breasts now.
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Mon 21 Aug 2006, 22:18, Reply)

Back in my teaching days...
our motto was "A bit of chocolate on the end goes a long way". My god those 6 year olds could suck a golf ball out of a garden hose.
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Mon 21 Aug 2006, 22:12, Reply)

Well...
there was this one time I was caught fucking a watermelon in Romford Market...
(rymix, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 22:12, Reply)

When I worked at a nursery

I taught the kids how to play leapfrog. Well, almost. My version did involve approaching of the rear, but it didn't involve any leaping. I renamed it bumfrog.
(Lt Columbo, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 21:40, Reply)

I peep

on my neighbour across the road when she gets un/dressed. I have a cracking view of her bedroom from mine. I've often had a wank whilst watching her. She's got a gorgeous body for a 78 year old.

PS. P.N.Guinn, she has a right breast you would crawl over broken glass for.
(Lt Columbo, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 21:13, Reply)

Oh forgot this one till now
The terrible scourge of cocaine is also found in the smallest towns of Scotland like Edinburgh.

Now I'd not taken any gak for almost 12 years but it was a nite out with youngsters and they seemed keen - so obvn. I wasn't going to let the side down and look like an old fogie. Invited along for a short trip to the bogs with my new best friend James, I went along to watch the inevitable routine of crush, cut and scrap.

A popular pub with a youth audience that did not want to lose its licence I was not aware, and neither was James, that the bouncers and owners kept a close watch on who went in to the toilets and how long. Given we had been a full 15 mins a rather stocky gentleman was dispatched to come see what we were doing; thankfully a bit late.

I got out the main bog door in time but he collared James. "So what were you two doing in there together?" he enquired in his best intimidating voice.

Without a beat James was inspired - "I was giving him a blow-job. What about it? You homophobic?"

Clever boy.

(My length was not needed - James was making it up)
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 20:28, Reply)

Oh deary me!
So the 9 day long Hindu festival of Navratri started, and I had some work to do in the local Indian community's temple. I took a young scrote with me to give me a hand, foot the ladder etc, and drilled into him the need to show respect, remove his shoes, not to take the piss, and basically to behave, upon pain of a royal kicking.

Things were progressing swimmingly, the work was quickly and easily finished, and out of respect for my clients, we sat down to watch the proceedings for a while.

These proceedings consisted of 100 or so people chanting, singing, bells, drums, and dancing - standard religious festival stuff, I imagine. After some time, we were brought a couple of small bags of dried fruit and nuts which I wolfed down.
My young slave, sorry, apprentice, wasn't quite as greedy as me, and had plenty left, so I reached across and pinched some. Much to his annoyance, I did it again. And again. He shouted his displeasure at me over the building crescendo of the ceremony.
Once again, I leaned over to pilfer a few peanuts. Suddenly, the prayer/chant came to an end, at the exact same time he bellowed :

"Will you get your hands off my nuts!!!!!"

Every single person in that temple span round to see me, evil infidel English pig-dog, defiling their holy ceremony by apparently leaning over and interfering with this youth.

We made our excuses and left, though he had to support me, I was too weak from laughing to walk properly.
(Rsoles, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 20:23, Reply)

Dead funny
Many moons ago, whilst working in a busy pub, I began to notice more and more of the clientele staring at me in what I imagined to be awe and respect due to my obviously superior bearing. Nothing had been said, people were literally sitting at the bar, gawping at me. Most strange.

Later on, I mentioned this to a colleague, who blithely said :
"Ah, that'll be because the boss was telling them about your 'condition'....."

My 'condition'??? Pardon??

After further investigation, I had to take my boss aside and ask that if she was going to discuss my problems with all sundry, that she kindly remember to tell them that I was "NARCOLEPTIC", not, as she had been broadcasting, "NECROPHILIAC" .
(Rsoles, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 20:05, Reply)

My friend R.
Was the most pansexual being you could ever meet. Nothing could offend this guy, and most things he would find powerfully arousing. He didn't care about gender, age, ethnicity, backround, personal hygiene, nothing. Sadly, I haven't seen him for a while, but he was a great guy.


Anyway, one night we (about 7 of us in total) jumped into a couple of cars and headed out to a car park (near the Banstead Downs/Downview prison, if anyone knows the area) quiet enough for us to drink some cheap booze, smoke some equally cheap weed, enter an alternate state and explore each others bodies (yup, amazingly, there were girls present. For those of us more choosy than R).



All was going well for about an hour when two police cars pulled into the car park. All manner of contraband was hidden or discreetly thrown out of sight, very quickly. It was a Friday night, and the boys in blue were out in force, looking for youngsters getting up to just the sort of things we were.



We were given a fairly standard lecture. For all the things we did do, one thing we wasn't into was causing trouble. I think they realised this. The drivers of the cars were identified and taken into them for a quick search and warning talk by the most superior ranking police types present. What follows is what was said to 'R' by a policeman with a stripe or two more on his sleeve than the rest, and my friends reply. This was witnessed by most of us.



Policeman "No bother son, we just have to make sure you're behaving."



R "OK".



Policeman "This car park is used by people to deal drugs and by gay men to meet for sex"



R, after a long pause, and entirely for his own amusement, puts his hand on the policemans thigh and says "Well, love, d'you fancy a spliff."


Cop: Not amused.

Us: Sphincter straining attempts to hold in hysterics.

Thanks for reading.


Length? Girth? R. didn't care at all.
( sir_spicious2000 Crap I've watched: www.filmplop.blogspot.com/, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 18:59, Reply)

Here's another
Went over me mate's house; he'd just splashed out on a new PC, wireless router, Xbox 360 and Windows XP Media Centre. I'd normally say cunt, but I always get a good deal with the left-over parts too, so I aint bitter.

So he's invited me over and is showing off the goods. He gets everything running, and in fairness after an hour on the 360 I had to admit he had a good setup. So we then move onto his PC, where he's got some stupid hi-res desktop in the normal windows theme. We talk about possibly he may want to get StyleXP installed on there, just to liven it up a bit, but he's not all that interested in setting this up (had probs with it in the past). So, after a bit of googling, we find that Alienware have thier own free Desktop-theme program which he downloads and installs to his delight.

Windows XP kicks back in, looking all metallic and shiny. We're both suitably impressed by this, and he goes "Lets look at the Media Player skin."

So he kicks it in and lo, it was quite smart actually; his Dolby Amp kicks off with some smart sound effects, and this Alienware logo flies around his screen in psuedo-3D, looking very very smart. Me mate's all "Christ, look at that ho ho!".

That was, until I clicked play on the player and porn filled the screen, and blasted out of the speakers for all neighbours to hear. I fucking pissed myself laughing as he scrambled to turn it off, and has been branded a perv ever since :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 18:37, Reply)

Went to me nephew's Birthday Party.
Shea was 5, and was going to Jungle Jim's - a safehaven for parents who want to subject thier children to "padded" scaffholding (only a matter of time before a kid dies, I tell thee). Me sis-in-law had organised a party for about 20 kids in this multi-coloured-sponge-dungeon and Shea nagged and nagged for me to come along. With threats that if I don't turn up I'll be ruining his birthday looming in the background, I swallow my tongue and head on in.

Now in this place, there's a cafe with a sitting area by the entrance surrounded with tables for the parents to sit and, well generally smoke thier brains out. I happened to notice that this "cafe" also sold Special VAT over the counter; a tramp-quality brew which is literally alcohol tar in a can. Nice.

I'm sitting about at one of these tables reading a newspaper (and trying to ignore the fact that right that minute Wales and England were battling it out in the Six Nations Rubgy tourney WHICH I WAS MISSING), and I suddenly had a moment of self-awareness ie someone was looking at me oddly. I lower the paper and glance about, seeing some bloke at the next table staring at me.

"Err, you alright mate?"

"Yeah. Who'se your kid then?" - I knew where this was leading immediately. So he thinks I'm on the prowl for some kids, eh? Fuck him.

"None of them, just window shopping mate."

Cue odd looks until me nephew runs up and tells me about this bully he just chinned in the ball-pen.

Some choice memorable moments;

1 - Shea had a party room hired out upstairs in this building. He was going through a "Spiderman" phase, seeing as Spiderman 2 had just come out in the cinema too at that time. Cue the crowd of kids moving into a room with 2 tables full of kids and party food. And some YTS boy dressed up as Spiderman. He looked like one of those Aliens from "Scary Movie 3", fucking hysterical I was, I couldn't look at him. Plus he spoke in a stupid American accent; "Hello Shpideyfans!" - on retrospect, it could have been Stan Lee.

2 - Leaving the party, while in me car I get cut up by a twat in a volvo who promptly sets off a speed camera then breaks hard in front of me, causing me to ram straight into the back of him. The speed cam was a dud, and there were no witnesses. There goes the no-claims bonus. Fucking volvo drivers.

3 - England trounced Wales. Fuck.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 18:22, Reply)

Ow
When i was maybe 10 and my cousin 4, something bad happened. I was her favourite cousin, i always played with her, and made her laugh. So one day i came over and she was excited to see me and ran over, she had her mouth open cause she was laughing/screaming. She had her arms out and when she ran into me hugged me and closed her mouth, of course being that age her head was crotch height. She bit me on the doodle, through my clothes, and made it bleed. Try explaining that to your mum and aunty.
(krupa, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 17:12, Reply)

Any old person who buys "Werthers Originals".......
....dirty fuckers.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 16:56, Reply)

...
How many Australians does it take to drag out an initially funny conversation until it reaches a point several inches to the right of interminable boredom?

One.
(yiddo, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 15:59, Reply)

I was a perv, but unintentionally
I was a late starter, had not even snogged a girl before the age of 19, partly due to the fact that I have always looked younger than I am (I can still pass for 30 though well into my 40s). Anyway, at the tender age of 21 I was enjoying a well-earned and extended holiday on the paradise island of Naxos. I was there with some mates and we were all living on the beach, I had constructed a bamboo and palm leaf lean-to which was all the shelter I needed. It was a mainly nude beach and I had an unrivalled all-over tan. Each night we ate souvlakis and then we’d move between the various ‘nightclubs’ which were just bars which played music and sold very cheap drinks.

A couple of times I’d spotted a gorgeous girl sitting demurely on her own, smoking cigarettes and getting up to dance if a Bowie track came on. This was 1984 and ‘Let’s Dance’ was a big hit. I’d been to see the live show and had a baggy t-shirt from the tour. Anyway, my mates could see I was smitten and urged me to go and chat to her. I was shy, but a couple of double ouzos helped, and I went to talk to her. She smiled shyly at me and I discovered she was French and spoke no English. ‘Pas de probleme’ I’d got a B for ‘O’ level French. Anyway, up close she was even nicer than from afar. I judged she was probably 18, dark shoulder length wavy hair, blue eyes, stunning norks, beautifully proportioned: the Girl-of-my-Dreams.

Schoolboy French has it’s limitations and the conversation was flowing like golden syrup, but I could feel myself falling for this mademoiselle big-time. Then I asked the inevitable question ‘Quel age as tu?’ ‘Quatorze’ came her answer. Remember the drink, the poor French, the anticipation, the hormones. It took me some time to realize what she had said, and what it meant.

It turned out that the woman know to us as ‘the crazy French woman’ who wore hundreds of bangles and danced all night was her Mum, she was also there with her little brother who was ten. Anyway, as luck would have it, we fell in love spectacularly went back to my little lean-to on the beach and, without removing our clothing we achieved some measure of ecstasy. She returned to her room promising to meet me again the following day.

The next day I went to the rendez-vous and waited. She didn’t show. I’m sure you all know that feeling, the gut-wrenching ache of the seriously in love when you think it was one-way. Then I thought ‘what if she told her Mum, and she has grounded her, or has gone for the cops?’ and then, guess who turned up? Yes, her Mum.

Shit. But no…it turns out girl-of-my-dreams is ill, very ill but sent Maman to find me to let me know. I went back with her, and spent the day mopping her fevered brow….

…anyway, a few days later, they left Naxos and I was left bereft and alone. I foolishly got caught by an English slapper which eased my balls but not my heart. Similarly, on the ferry back to Pireaus I had a wonderful one night stand in a sleeping bag on a crowded deck with a german girl, but nothing could erase the memory of g-o-m-d.

I had virtually ran out of money by this time and just had enough dosh to buy a train ticket from Brindisi to Paris. I decided to visit g-o-m-d and borrow enough money from Maman to get back to Blighty. All went pretty well, though a meeting with her Father was a little worrying, though I won him over with my charm….

[Stay with it folks, there’s a bit more yet]

…Christmas came, we’d been exchanging letters, and she came to stay in my shared flat in North London…with her Mum. Gomd shared my little single bed, Maman slept on the floor of my room. We still hadn’t disrobed and she was a good girl but I made a right mess of my underpants. She went back to Paris, I was working at Lloyds Luncheon club, gradually we wrote less, I’m not sure what happened. I went off travelling again, spent about 6 months in France, mainly in Nice, learnt the language really well and kind of moved on. Though gomd was always in my thoughts and I carried a passport sized photo of her.

Jan 85 I went back home. Got a series of temp jobs, fell in love with a girl on the tube, got on with life, had a fling with an older woman, friend of a friend, got over gomd. Then in June, I met the current Mrs Grimsdale and the story ends. Thank fuck I hear you say.

But no, there’s a post-script. Summer of 1987, recently married, baby daughter just born, and what arrives in the post at my folks’ house? Yes, you guessed it, a letter from gomd. ‘What did it say?’ I hear you ask, well, it said: ‘I still love you, I am sorry that I was so immature, I am 18 now and I’d really like to see you again, I know I can make you happy now.’

What’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life? I wrote back saying ‘thanks, but sorry, no thanks.’

Let that be a warning to you. Be a perv and you WILL be punished.

She’ll be 35 now.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 15:35, Reply)

one I just made up.

How many Englishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two: one to say "if you screw it in, you can get it in my hole", and one to overhear, leading to half an hour of comic misunderstanding.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 15:14, Reply)

my mum....
...worked as a hair dresser. One day she noticed the man whose hair her friend was cutting was making rythmic up and down motions under the gown in a wanking like way. She was shocked and told her mate, who, being less shocked by that kind of thing, whipped the gown off.

He was cleaning his glasses.
(Orkran Mild Euphoria Ensues, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 15:13, Reply)

Textual Harassment
I was once with a nice well behaved catholic girl who belived in the innocence of abstinance like most do... well me being male and 18 means that after a few months my corrupting influence began to take hold... we decided that whilst she was working in her placement at a primary school we should send some "romantic" texts, well this played for a few weeks and the texts got bolder and bolder... till they were at the sdtage when even prince would have been embarrased... well the twunt decides to buy a new phone... no reall problem... was pay as you go... so most people wouldnt by a new sim card and give it to their mum would they!!!!
Try and explain that to a vicar if you can...


"An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!""
(lucifyer Reaping souls since 1482, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 14:59, Reply)

S Club Seven?
A few years ago me and a mate journeyed all the way to the big smoke of London to see a Slipknot gig. I had booked the hotel right next to the arena and so felt quite smug in my amazing trip planning skills... until I learned of the fact that there is Wembley Arena(where the hotel was) and the London Arena (tother side of London completely). "Not a problem" we think as it will give us a chance to fuck about on the tube for a couple of hours on the way there.

So we leave our hotel at about 5 to get to the gig around 7:30ish (not knowing how long exactly it will take to traverse the city). As we are leaving the hotel the S club Seven Matinee show is finishing and about 50,000 kids and parents are leaving Wembley arena. We could see that we were on a collision course with them so decided to have a bit of fun.

Cue me and my mate dressed in Leather, studs, collars, bondage pants and mesh trying to carry off conversations about S club without breaking into fits of laughter. We got some very stern and worrying looks off the parents. especially the ones that were on the tube with us all the way from Wembley to the Docklands.
Its possibly worth mentioning that Im about 6'3"(in my boots) and look a bit like The Kurgen from Highlander.
(a man called donkey has been away for too long, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 14:02, Reply)

Young Awakenings
I was a 28 year old school-teacher in Venezuela when the mother of one of my students offered me $1000 to give her 16 year- old daughter comprehensive personal instruction in the arts of carnality.

This student was of quite spectacular beauty: large, black eyes; long, black hair, fully formed bosom, hips like Saharan dunes and full Jolie lips. Plus, $1000 dollars would pay for my planned jaunt around South America the foillowing summer. What would this cousre consist of, exactly?

"My daughter is untutored in the ways of love," said the mother. "I don't want her to have some artless fumble with a boy of her own age. They know nothing. You are a European man. You are older and more experienced. Show her everything; make her an expert - but do it without love. She can fall in love later, when she's ready."

So it was arranged. I put aside any scruples for the money. After all, it was her mother's will. The student, Maria, would visit my flat two evenigs a week and learn 'everything'. In the first meeting we stripped and I encouraged her to familiarise herself with my swollen manhood, which she did with cool and red-nailed fingers. As a product of a liberal family, she was not shy or awkward. She luxuriated in her ripe young body. In turn, I introduced her to her clitoris with a cunnilingual tutorial. She was fasinated and wanted to learn more.

In the next meeting I taught her to use her hands on me. This took some practice, but soon she had the right rhythm and grasp, and had me coming like a freight train. The semen excited her greatly and she begged me to let her practise fellation in the next 'lesson'. Her nascent sensuality was budding rapidly. It was an animal urge.

Again, it took some experimentation for her to get this right, but in no time she was using her tongue and full lips to magnificent effect, deep-throating my rigid tool and moaning for me to come in her mouth. This became one of her firm favourites, but the fascination with semen also impelled her to require that I come on her face and breasts as often as possible.

By now penetration held no fear for her. She wanted to try everything. I suggested the misionary position as a first-time position, but she wanted it bent over my writing desk. She was tight, but horse-riding had broken her hymen and she was soaking wet having already been licked comprehensively. Enraged by the sight of her beautiful ass, I'm afraid I pumped her too aggressively, but she thrust back against me with great enthusiasm, moaning "fill me! fill me!" in her breathy language. I did.

For the next few weeks we perfected her technique and it got to the stage where she could handle me like a pro. Her hands, her tongue, her ever-wet dell drove me crazy. She'd enter the flat, shrug off her clothes and take me in her mouth. She luxuriated in her power over me, her 'teacher'.

The anal route was inevitable. She'd been begging me for weeks. When the time came, she brought a crystal dildo with her to the 'lesson' and asked to fill both holes at once: "Come in my ass while you fill me with this toy," she pleaded. She moaned. She cried. And her orgasm was a supernatural thing.

The lessons ended abruptly. I received my payment and a bonus too. I never saw her again, but I think of those countless Venezuelan men who have benefited. And I realise that I broke my one rule - not to fall in love with her.

ENJOY THIS STORY? YOU'RE ALL PERVERTS. IT'S MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE!
(frankspencer, Mon 21 Aug 2006, 14:01, Reply)

My Nephews Birthday....
A few years back and I didn't have a present for him and was too poor to give him money. So I decides to make a website that will appeal to his (and my) sense of humour, then give him details of how to log onto the site. The site was about a fetish for right tits (thats tits on the right, not the government. Badum Tish!)Anypoo it all goes disasterously wrong when being the miniature 13 year old pimp that he is he gets a girl he knows to get her tits out on webcam and then posts them on his site. She told her parents, it got veeeery messy and I have been told by my brother and his evil wife that I am never allowed to talk to them or their son ever again. After that I logged on to the site and changed the "Right Breasts I am familiar with" page to prevent the little scamp from getting in more trouble.
Now that I've whet your appetite you may go forth and access the site at www.rightbreasts.piczo.com
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Mon 21 Aug 2006, 13:55, Reply)