Igronant
some years ago, whilst getting on the school bus, I walked straight past the school bike (who I'd played a little doctors and nurses with the night before). As I got near the back of the bus, she was a bit miffed at me not saying hello and loudly shouted "You're igronant, you are. You're an igronant b'stard". And yes, 'igronant' is how she pronounced it.
I hope life's brought her everything she ever wanted.
( dogfish, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 13:03, Reply)

Friend's missus...
Swedes love ketchup on pasta. I can't answer why, but it seems as though no bowl of spaghetti can go un-assaulted.

An American mate (Not all americans have shoe-sized IQ's) takes his Swedish lass to the "Best Italian place in NewYork" ...
Upon the delivery of two of the "house specials": (a finely flavoured and garnished pasta-dish), she sends the waiter off with a request for a bottle of Heinz Ketchup.

The chef Came out of the kitchen to personaly rebuke the request. Yay.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 10 Jan 2005, 12:53, Reply)

Unwanted Pint
Remembered another one.

My friend told his ex-girlfriend that if you didnt want your pint you took it back to the bar and all they did was push the pump the other way and it sucked the beer back up.

She belived him for weeks

Aww bless.
(Fishbone-didi, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 12:38, Reply)

Overheard at the cinema
more funny than stupid really
The film was 'Micheal Collins' featuring Liam Neeson and depicting (after its fashion) events in Irish History. When the story got to the part where Micheal Collins was shot- this following conversation was overheard;
A" That's not where Micheal collins was shot !"
B"Isn't it?"
A"No it was just down the road from me ,there's a plaque and a bit of a monument there..."
B"Well they couldn't have filmed it there so"
A"And why not?"
B"If they showed him there now, standing beside that plaque it'd give away the whole ending of the film"
A"I suppose"
(pikey, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 12:22, Reply)

Baldmonkey
Another riveting post...
(Gomi No Sensei, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 12:06, Reply)

Traffic Signage...
So I've just crossed the street ahead of this woman and her brood of children, when I hear her behind me, addressing a driver who has his window down. He has his signal on to turn right, as he was considerately waiting for us to finish crossing before he went.
Woman: "You can't turn here."
Driver: "...?"
Woman: "Can't you see the sign? It says no right turn."
Driver: "Actually it says no turning right on a red light."
Woman: [After the driver went ahead and turned right, on the still-green light] "Hah. He went ahead and turned on a red anyways."
(BlurOfSerenity, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 11:57, Reply)

My Auntie
It was christmas day and me and my cousin were looking through my dad's new guinness book of world records. my auntie comes over and asks what we are reading, "the new guinness book of world records" i reply. then she uttered the classic line "wow, it just looks likes a normal book, wonder why that one holds all he records"
DOH!
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Mon 10 Jan 2005, 11:54, Reply)

This takes me back...
In July 1984 the weather was particularly hot. The whole of Hampshire had turned into a desert. I got a phone call from the Queen, informing me that she wanted me to go to Hampshire and defend it, single-handedly, from the invading sea-people. Of course, I accepted.
When I arrived, I had nothing with me apart from a penknife and a bottle of Lucozade. I knew at once that this would be the most challenging job of my career as a Freelance Monarchical Aide. The entire county was covered in sand, and the only signs of life were tumbleweed and the occasional cactus.
Using the Pogo-stick attachment of my knife, I made my way to the water's edge. Once there I made myself a hidey-hole out of sand, which I glued together with some of my sticky Lucozade.
I spent the next two months there, picking off the occasional sea-person, if they dared to surface, by throwing my penknife into their soft skulls.
It was in the second month that signs of life started to return to the county. My first contact was with a dog called Toby, who claimed that he had learnt to talk in the circus. As the sea-people seemed to have given in on their invasion, Toby and I spent our evenings relatively peacefully. We played catch with starfish, and feasted, nightly, on boiled cactus and seaweed. Were it not for the dysentry and loss of my left leg, I would describe them as the happiest days of my life.
Towards the end of the year, the Queen phoned to say that I could go home. I invited Toby to join me and, thankfully, he said yes. As we hiked through the dunes of Winchester we saw movement ahead. We were both scared, as we knew mutants were attacking innocents accross the south of England. I couldn't make out what it was, but Toby, with his enhanced dog-sight zoomed in on the movement. After a tense pause he finally declared "It's okay! It's only a dromedary!"
It was only when we got closer that Toby and I realised his mistake. It wasn't a dromedadry at all! It was a bactrian! Stupid fuck-witted shit for brains dog! How we laughed!

Unfortunately it did mean that I had to put Toby down, as he could no longer be trusted.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 11:06, Reply)

PIKEY BRILLIANCE
While shopping on Saturday, I was walking through the city centre and passed a group of teenage pikeys. One said to the others, in a loud, earnest and clear voice, "So would you fuck a dead bird then?" His friends looked stunned, and he followed it up with the immortal "Not even if she was dead fit?"

The wife and I laughed our socks off... pikeys do bring joy occasionally, as well as trying to steal your wallet
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 10 Jan 2005, 10:59, Reply)

Today in the carpark
I work in a school, there is a carpark - the scence is now set.

In this carpark there is an entrance and an exit, the exit is usually blocked as it joins a main road and therefore there is a cue of traffic. this cue of traffic blocked me getting around a bend in the carpark to my space, as soon as the traffic was moving again they wouldnt let me across and so i had to nudge my way through. WHAT UTTER CUNTS
( SiX and his hat, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 10:56, Reply)

Hinge and Bracket
Firstly apologies for length, but if not now when ? I had the misfortune of sitting next to two of the most inane people who would witter on all day about bollocks. In a bid to keep sane I jotted down each of their musings, I even considered selling the list as material to the two lovely old ladies named above. The edited version I have listed below.

1. Washing machine cycle times. My new one takes two hours, they didn’t use to take that long.

2. There are quite a lot of undesirables out in the Fens, miles from nowhere.
3. Syrup sponge, treacle sponge, golden pudding, they cook it with the syrup already in.

4. Whisky. 17 year old 21 year old. They don’t make that anymore. Sherry casks, it’s colourless otherwise

5. 1963 weather on the downs, even though they’re ups. Snow was so deep I walked over a car.

6. You can’t beat a good igloo.
7. I don’t think the Germans are as good at biscuits as we are.

8. Who does the best haggis. Waitrose do a good selection.

9. What is mass ? The universe is still expanding.

10. English breakfast is better than PG Tips.

11. You need to have at least twelve screwdrivers and separate storage for screws and nails.

12. Ten minutes conversation on the inherited bottle of vanilla essence and the ten year search for a replacement.

13. Lamp post or lamp-post. It’s interesting that.

14. Types of shotgun. I tried one with a silver stock. It didn’t agree with me…

15. Classical music transposed for the trumpet.

16. Father wouldn’t let us listen to anything other than classical on the radio.

17. You’ve got to start thinking about what life is all about… What have I done.

18. Indigenous tribes of South America and discussions of various theories about them.

19. The thing I find fascinating about bluebells is…

20. What does a piece of ginger look like.

21. It’s a souffle, it’s very light, raisins, custard… It sounds very sumptuous.

22. Probate forms require the mandatory use of black ink.

23. Hanging files are better then plan chests.

24. It only protects you from true influenza. I had asian flu in the ‘50s. I was flat on my back for a week.

25. Explosive bird seed.

26. How did men on Napoleonic warships go to the toilet.

27. God made the angels and everything. Are you being faceitious?

28. You’re very magnanamous about the packed lunches.

29. The thicker the skin the better the custard.

30. The mysticism of the oven.

31. Just like an umbrella what goes up must come down, just as things go in must come out.

32. Opinionated academics with a dislike for curtains. He would sit there listeneing to the academics… It was a hoot.

33. As a kid his father would not read him bedtime stories. He would be read Keats, Shakespeare and stuff like that, can you imagine… some people…

34. Red onions make a colourful addition to the plate.

35. Is a Dutch euro different from a German euro ?

36. Step-ladder or pair of steps, mmm, which one is right. Just makes me laugh that.

37. I’ve got an antique sewing machine, you’ll probably get £20 or £30 for it, even if it went to a good home, I just don’t want to chuck it.

38. Handwriting experts analysed the Cortina logo on the old mark one cars and said it was written by a schitzophrenic.
39. Its only a sniff away from Dover sole.

40. They served battered cauliflower florets for breakfast. Did you realise what they were ?

41. I used to have a Faber Castell slide rule. Oh yes, they were the best. How long was yours. Really clever people had circular ones or even spiral ones.

42. Catarrh counts for a lot of modern day illnesses. I’ve been using menthol crystals for the last few days. Olbas oil is quite good. I don’t think it can go off. I’ve had mine three years. Menthol crystals are only a single chemical all they can do is evaporate

43. An hour before midnight is worth two after. That’s true that is.

44. The nice bit about playing an instrument is that each time you play a piece of music you are creating a unique version of that tune.

45. Have you ever seen a cow hit by a cricket ball whilst it’s having a poo. I have, it was dead funny.

46. PH “They’ve got three IBC’s full of rain water”. CJM “Where did that come from”. Everybody “the sky”

47. He had an intimate knowledge of the history of the Royston postal system. He used to collect interesting postmarks from around the country.

48. I have no knowledge of the mechanisms of adhesion.

49. I was just wondering where Azerbajan is, is it on the Caspian sea or the Black sea ?

50. Tesco’s have been doing a nice line in sprats. I’ve been looking this week but they’ve sold out. They’re lovely headed and tailed. No I only head them. I crunch the lot. Nicely crispy fried with a bit of bread.

51. CJM. “Do you know in what position Dave Barker fell in the car park”. PBS collapsing onto the floor. “I don’t know, something like this?”

52. Are you aware of pyrophoric materials ?

53. Strictly speaking aluminium shouldn’t exist.

54. Did you ever hear of the fate of Winchester cathedral ? It was built on beech timbers on a peat bed. You might like to read those two columns on entry into a confined space. It says they worked for five years down in the mud.

55. That’s not my sort of muffin really.

56. A weld is not a weld it’s a minefield.

57. C&A were very good for ties and t-shirts

58. I heard on the radio that they’re doing away with condensed milk.

59. I used to play wet nurse to a steam roller.

60. My wife does the monthly shopping every month.
(Yellow Car is now red, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 10:30, Reply)

Whilst watching the tsunami new reports at my best mate's house
Her dimwitted bitch of an older sister says
"I don' believe in them toonami's"
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 9:34, Reply)

RTQ.
There was this bloke who used to bug us by failing to read that actual 'question' behind "question of the week" once, so we told the daft bugger that if he continued to pick his nose, He'd damage his brain.

Never in our lives did we assume that he'd be so ignorant that he'd actually believe us, but rumour has it that he went to see a DOCTOR to ask about it!!!

(I don't think there was a sub-clause in the question saying "only write something if the particular case of ignorance had potentialy dire concequences")
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 10 Jan 2005, 8:27, Reply)

topical
Overheard at work:

Customer telling another that the safest place to be in a tsunami is on the beach, even refusing to accept that up a big hill miles away is safer.
(MrPSB, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 8:18, Reply)

my computer isn't working!
working in IT and sometimes having to do phonesupport, you get a right load of idiots sometimes..

so I get called up by this complete idiot, I shall call him Alexander (because it's his name):

Alexander: My computer doesn't work!
Me: What doesn't work, sir?
Alexander: I don't have internet on my computer!
(ofcourse not fool. it's a large international network. you can connect to it, but it doesn't fit on your computer)
Me: Do you get an error message?
Alexander: There's this little icon in the corner, it says the networkcable is unplugged.
but the networkcable is plugged into my PC.
Me: is the other side plugged into the router?
Alexander: no. should I plug it in?
Me: yes. goodbye...


AARRGGHHH!!!
(radja, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 8:18, Reply)

Tripple vs Trippple
My area manager during my one misguided month with Poundstretcher Ltd asked me if "triple" had 2 or 3 "p"s.

It was about then that what little faith I had in the company was shattered completely.
(MrPSB, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 8:15, Reply)

Eclipse
We were all outside watching an eclipse, and a manager arrived, got out of his car, and asked us what we were doing.

"Were watching the eclipse, the sun is almost entirley blacked out now" I said.

He replies with "Cool, where's the moon?"

Tosser
(JaffaMused local in the So.Cal, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 7:17, Reply)

At an autopsy...
...as paramedic students we were required to attend an autopsy.
The deceased was about 25 and had died of a traffic crash related head injury. On hearing this and knowing that blown pupils are often present in head injuries, one of the students said "Oh, did the pupils dilate then?"
Another student replied "Idiot, they would have died at the same time as the rest of the body".

He was serious and lo and behold is now a manager - keeps him out of the way of patients I guess.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 6:34, Reply)

.
I once knew a guy who didn't know what a douche was (he thought it was simply a synonym for idiot).

upon hearing the real definition, he exclaimed "no, no... that's a doich."

I then had to explain to him what Deutsche meant...
(three hams, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 6:21, Reply)

One day, in U.S. history class...
Our teacher was trying to explain what ambassadors do. He decided to use one not-so-brilliant girl in the class as an example...

Teacher: So, let's say that Alicia is from...pick a country.
Alicia:California?
Teacher: California is not a country.
Alicia: Cancun?
Teacher: Uh...yeah...let's say Mexico..
(pk, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 6:04, Reply)

Overheard on a shuttlebus in Narita Airport
They crammed all us passengers onto a bus to drive us out to the plane on the tarmac. Behind me three Americans got on, all fairly old and all military personnel (or contractors or something).

It looks like a couple of them jumped the line so they could get on quicker. The louder of the bunch was maybe in his 50s and sounded sort of like Zell Miller, and he bragged about jumping the line. He said everyone was smaller than him, and it was okay because Asians don't like to start trouble with foreigners (categorically not true).

Then he started complaining about some Japanese guy who'd jumped line in front of him the previous day, somewhere in the airport I imagine. He claims he told the guy "If you keep doing that, someday someone's gonna break your leg."

I burst out loud laughing and nearly turned around to ask him "Do you know the definition of irony?"
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 5:39, Reply)

Recently at work...
Foot in mouth syndrome, twice in one day;

Simon turns and asks me who's on the tills, glancing quickly at the rotor I reply "simon" said dude's slightly shocked reply, "i'm simon", i'd worked there long enough to know.

And nextly, a rather beautiful woman strolls up to the till, being rather stunned by her I say "you have lovely eyes", she informs me that they're contacts, so far so good, she asks me what time I started work "half two" I reply, and add on "and I finish at eleven if you're interested", I really ought to think before I speak, she just blushed slightly and said she'd think about it while I tried (in vain) to tell her it wasn't supposed to sound like that.

And yes it was overheard, for on both occasions it seems that my brain had gone for a stroll, so no apologies for girth, length or other sizeable attributes.
(thermal_assault, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 3:21, Reply)

Ah the blonde gene...
A friend of ours, at our neighbour's cattle farm, was gazing at a newborn calf taking its first drink. Her eyes seemed to glaze over momentarily as we watched the idyllic scene, then in wistful tones she uttered the immortal words...

"I wonder what cow's milk tastes like..."
(Imp of destruction, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 3:06, Reply)

Cheap PCs
Working for a PC chain a few years back I was told a story from one of the outlets. They were selling PC cases for £20. A woman bought one and left happily. She came back the next day and complained that her PC didn't work. Oblivious to the fact that it was just a case and not a full PC. She demanded her working PC and said she wouldn't leave the shop 'till they'd replaced it. (They managed to get her out after a couple of hours)

This was made even worse by the fact that the manager anticipated the possibility of ignorant customers and had put a big sign in front of the cases explaining in big red letters that these were in fact just cases and not fully working PCs...
(MrKWatkins, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 2:50, Reply)

people who earn less than $50,000 a year say the darndest things
At university some people told me that picking your nose causes brain damage, because it pushes the soft tissue directly onto your brain. Queue me going to the doctor several times over the next few years for the onset of memory loss and early dementia.

The same people told me that NASA was planning to set up a colony on Mars, evacuating all the top people because Earth's ecosystem was going to collapse.

In both cases I believed them because they were science students.

And while I have your attention...

the practical consequences of a trainee hairdresser not knowing how to pronounce 'millenium' are basically zero. The practical consequences of large numbers of educated people stereotyping the economic bottom 60% as mindless shell-suit wearing chavs etc etc are many and severe. Thus most of the people who've posted here are more ignorant than the subjects of their posts.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 2:50, Reply)

Sorry for double posting
I used to get calls from a man in Colorado (re: two time zones and many states away) asking for the male clinic. I have no idea how serious his problem was that he needed to call New York, but after the fifth time and in the middle of class, I told him off, and have yet to hear back from him.

Next time I just plan on fucking with him, no pun intended.


Also, at camp two years ago, one of my friends was in 'Parade' and they were about to rehearse the cake walk scene after Leo's conviction. The choreographer said this was "a traditional negro dance". Note: the cast was entirely white and Jewish, but this was still enough to make everyone's eyes bulge.

Recently, my dad (uni professor) told me of an incident two of his classmates had with a music teacher. One of them asked him how to deal with a teacher who told him, "you're pretty smart for a black kid.", and another asked the same of, "you Asian people always tend to do well with learning." Ah, old people.
(DeadCats, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 2:45, Reply)

Americans... a serious case for retrospective birth control
My ex-wife was a guide in Jenolan Caves (NSW) and was asked the following from a loud & opinionated tourist attempting to ask an intelligent question:

Check-pants wearing tourist: "How many undiscovered caves are there?"

my ex answers: "17 and a half"

Ignoramis: "How can you have half a cave?"

ex now tries not to strangle this man...
(AusMark, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 2:44, Reply)

Wrong Numbers
Shortly after getting a phone line in my flat I quickly found out that the number was listed somewhere as the number of a Chinese takeaway. Cue lots of wrong number phonecalls. I did have 5 or 6 calls from the ignorant who didn't believe me: (Why do ignorant people always assume they are correct and you are in the wrong?)

Me: Hello.
Caller: Hi, is this so-and-so's takeaway?
Me: No, sorry, this is a private residence, you must have a wrong number.
Caller: Are you sure?

I quickly started getting sarcastic with the callers, but even that didn't deter one lady:

Caller: Are you sure?
Me: Oh, no, now you mention it, you're quite right. This is indeed a takeaway; I just never noticed it before.
Caller: Great. I'd like sweet and sour chicken, two bags of prawn crackers...

I no longer answer the phone in my flat. Partly for the above and partly because one of my friends (Who is a firm member of the mobile generation) had a habit of calling me and immediately asking "Where are you?"

I stopped apologising for length two girlfriends ago.
(MrKWatkins, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 2:34, Reply)