SneakyPete
You never met Erin. I can assure you, she was that dim.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 0:13, Reply)

Florida gets much more rain than you'd think. Or maybe I went during one of those hurricane things.
Anyway, I was on vacation in my fifteenth year, and at some Disneyworld attraction or other audience members were called upon to do some voice acting. I got one of the henchmen from 101 Dalmations, so I gave it my best attempt at cockney. The presenter said "Wow, that was really good. Are you from England?"
"No, Canada."
"Oh, well, same thing."
(Random Ferret, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 0:09, Reply)

2 kids (ok they were about 17) in soft drinks aisle in Tescos
"15p? you're joking, right?"
"No, seriously, look!"
"15p for lemonade?! Wow, If I'm ever a tramp I know where I'm going to come when I'm thirsty"
(insert copious amounts of swearing wherever you like amongst all that, I forget exactly where it all was)
And yeah, I know I said this before on the "Stuff You've Overheard" but it's still valid

Oh, and while I remember, upon seeing 2 identical twins in town, my mum remarked thusly:
"Oh look, identical twins...but one's more identical than the other"
Never really understood that one...
( GigerPunk has, hopefully, slept since, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 23:46, Reply)

On the Enhancement of Found Stupidity for Aesthetic Pleasure and Social Comment
I worked with a relatively intelligent but quite gullible woman, enjoyable overall, but occasionally her semi-recessive idiot genes would win out and then WHAM! suddenly she's thicker than frozen pig shit pudding on a plank.

At a conference full of touristy pavillions from exotic places, she remarks that she's never even heard of some of them. "Like Micronesia?" I ask, and she looks at me like I'm full of it. "No, it's true!" I (rep)lied, "It's a reeeally tiny place, and all the plants and animals are like minatures." Then she knew I was lying, and there was therefore no such a place called Micronesia.

Along comes Jaindo. "Hey Jaindo," says Ms. Gullible, "Have you ever heard of Micronesia?"

Problem is, this whole thing is because of my reputation as an amusing jackass, so Jaindo assumes it's a joke and plays along - "Oh, yeah, it's beautiful. But it's really tiny."

So now Ms. Gullible is CERTAIN there ain't no Micronesia. I spend four days at the convention with her, telling her more and more stuff about this mythical paradise. All taken from official data about the real place. And she buys not a bit of it.

Last day, we are wading past a sea of vendors, and lo and behold, coming at us is a nice man in a t-shirt, passing out brochures, both extolling the beauty and pleasures of Lovely Micronesia.

I enjoyed watching the little gear-teeth fly out her ears.

I convinced another woman there that you could get the same lift as a double espresso by flashing a tiny light at the sides of your eyeballs. She did, several times a day for months, and swore by it.

Forgive me you must. I was amused as a child, and it scarred me for life...
(meatybrain, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 23:40, Reply)

Cherry Dude,
The World Trade Center consisted of the Twin TowerS, the plural "World Trade CenterS" is incorrect.

Pwn.
(Slyph, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 23:36, Reply)

I managed
To convince a rather gullible girl in my RS course that the star of bethlehem may have been a cargo plane, but not a passenger plane as the "pressurized cabin" wasn't invented until decades later.
(Slyph, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 23:30, Reply)

--> scoob666
Your chum Erin probably suffers from the same psychological condition as me, that means we can't tell left from right. I have to imagine the word "LEAR" in front of me to tell which is left and which is right. Doesn't mean we're dim.
(SneakyPete, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 23:22, Reply)

Ah, Americans once again
Not really overheard. Well I was stood next to the conversation at the time.

Anyway, my mate Freya (v scottish lady) and I were stood outside a cinema in New York chatting when a slightly alarming looking man with massive trousers wondered over to have a chat.

SAM: I hear you're Irish
Freya: Nope, Scottish
SAM: Oh well, same country
Freya: Actually no they're different countries
SAM: Well, they're joined together
Freya: Actually, no there's a sea between them. I'd get wet if I walked to Ireland

This was only toppend by the yank who refused to believe in the existence of Wales until I started talking about Catherine Zeta Jones (bleugh), Anthony Hopkins and the like
(kitteny_goodness, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 23:15, Reply)

For the love of all things good and pure, learn some geography!
A few years back I was trying to organise a meet up with a friend of mine from the USA. Yes, another one of *those* stories...

I thought a nice half-way spot might be fun and interesting, so I suggested the Azores Islands.
She didn't have a clue where they were, even after I said mid Atlantic.

Fair enough, thinks me. Not everyone knows. I then proceed to say it is west of Portugal.

Where is that? Comes the reply.

At this point I'm grinning to myself and thinking perhaps the stories of Americans not knowing geography may be true.

I tell her it boarders the west of Spain. Surely she must know that, they colonised most of the Americas afterall!

To my dismay she doesn't know where Spain is either.

South-West of France? I enquire tentatively.

At this point she gives up and goes to find a map.

*headdesk*

I also remember the time a different American asked me where I lived. I told her I was from England.

She then asked me what state that was in.

*groans*

Please people, maps will not bite you! Learn about something that is outside your disturbingly shallow lives!
(Calantyr, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 23:03, Reply)

door-to-door Religon-pushers
"Hi, I'm Elder Micheal, and this is Elder James"
I was heavily caned, but according to my brother, I replied with "Wow, what are the chances of you two having that same wierd christian name...."
At the time I was somewhat hailed as a hero, but remember being hurt by the initial burst of loud laughter from the livingroom....
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 10 Jan 2005, 22:43, Reply)

Geography Lesson
This story was recounted to me by my uncle, who is German. He speaks excellent English albeit with a tinzy winzy bit off an akzent.

One one occasion, he travels to the US on business of some kind, and ends up having a conversation with a pair of Americans.

After talking for some considerable time, the more astute of the pair notices something funny about the way the stranger is talking and pipes up with:

"Hey, you're not from the US are you? Are you European?"

Uncle: "Yes, yes I am, I'm from-"
American: "No no, please lemme guess"
Uncle: "Okay, go ahead..."
American: "Hmm, let me think - France?"

Clearly noting the limitations of the other guy's brain, my uncle decides to be a little more helpful.

Uncle: "Well no. Somewhere a little bigger perhaps."
American: "Aah! The Netherlands?"

Sweet jesus

Uncle: "No..."
American: "Hungary?"
Uncle: "No..."
American: "Albania?"
Uncle: "No, no you're not going to guess: I'm from Germany"
American: "Aah of course! Now I should have guessed from your blue eyes that you're Scandinavian!"
(ooechs, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 22:35, Reply)

AusMark - 17 and a half caves
Excuse my ignorance, but I dont get it.
Sorry
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 22:35, Reply)

overhead on the train this morning..
two daft bints in conversation:

bint one: I helped the school last year take some kids to London to the theatre.. now what was it called? [long pause] Oh yeah: The Globe. Is that a theatre?

bint two: Yeah, The Globe is a theatre.

bint one: Hold on. No, it wasn't the Globe.. [even longer pause] It was the IMAX.

(muted sound of me falling off my seat)
(mr.bouffant, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 22:33, Reply)

Oktoberfest
While on holiday with a mate in Turkey, we get chatting to some Aussie backpackers. Conversation goes thus:

My Mate: "Where are you planning to travel to after Turkey?"
Aussie Backpacker: "Hoping to go to Germany for Oktoberfest"
Mate: "When's that then?"
ABP: "Er... October"
(lolwhites, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 22:24, Reply)

Learning Support
The Learning support teacher at my school which apparently I am worthy of seeing lives in her own small world, in which everything works perfectly... if she did it that is.

Anyway,
1) She wanted to enter in her password, biiig yellow box comes up CAPS LOCK IS ON YOU SILLY BINT. She totally ignores the box and tries another twenty times to put in her password, typing with only her index fingers. I eventually reach over in frustration and smack the caps key (after many failed attempts to tell her what was wrong). She looked at me funny, then tried again, and to her delight... 'SHE managed to get in.'

2) She was trying to print, up comes a warning, 'no paper in printer', she closes the warning, stares at the printer for about 5 minutes wondering why it's not working. The friend who experienced this one didn't manage to get the message across and eventually just waited for the bell to go and left the room.

There are many more, but I've already taken up too much room. This woman has also written a bloody book on Dyslexia...

ph34r teh 'mindmaps'(spider diagrams with pretty pictures[totally useless]).
(Frozen_Banana Shaved against the grain; thoroughly unrewarding., Mon 10 Jan 2005, 22:17, Reply)

You had to be there....
I used to be a fishmonger many moons ago. After a very long day, lady comes up and asks is I have any large scallops. I open my coat, look down at my nether regions and reply, "Sorry, only two left". Hey ho....
(CdrVimes, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 21:59, Reply)

Whilst on holiday in France....
...my family and I stopped at a bar for some lunch. We place our order and are just getting seated when another English couple and friends walk in. Loud Londoners who think that they know all. So one of the blokes goes up to the bar and starts to order drinks with no attempt at speaking French. So waitress replies with no attempt at speaking English (even though we knew that she could). As I remember, the conversation went thus...

Bloke - "We'll have two Cokes"
Waitress - "Oui"
Bloke - "and a white coffee"
Waitress - "Oui. Cafe au lait"
Bloke (looking slightly anxious at use of French) - "and a brandy"
Waitress - "un cognac"
Bloke - "no, a brandy"
Waitress - "Oui, un cognac"
Bloke - "no, a b-r-a-n-d-y"
Waitress - "ah, oui. Brandy" (obviously had enough of taking piss out of shameful excuse for an Englishman)

Was very hard not to laugh at this little exchange!!
(Krusty the Klown, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 21:54, Reply)

more....
After a scuffle in our high st that had been broken up by the coppers, i overheard one of our boys in blue trying to move the Big issue seller on, 'Come on Son haven't you got a home to go to?'.

And customers really do my nut in, like today...
Hello, I'd like to borrow more money on my mortgage please...
me: and can I take your roll number please?
customer: Oh no, I don't have my mortgage with you,

or

customer: Why have you cancelled my switch card
me: i have no idea I only deal with additional borrowing on mortgages, I can transfer you through tot he right dept.
customer: that's no good, i've been queing for 10 minutes to speak to you.. *hangs up*

Fucking retards, how simple is it to listen to a recorded message and press the right fucking button? if they let george W Bush have the big button to release nuclear armageddon and he hasn't pressed by mistake in 4 years, then surely somebody calling an automated phone service can press the RIGHT FUCKING BUTTON, and then they wouldn't be pissed off when they speak to us and we have to transfer them, after all its NOT MY FUCKING FAULT THAT THEY HAVE BIG FUCKING SAUSAGES FOR FINGERS, THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A RETARDED GOLDFISH AND CAN'T UNDERSTAND SIMPLE ENGLISH LIKE PRESS BUTTON 1 IF YOU HAVE AN EXISTING MORTGAGE AND WANT TO BORROW MORE MONEY ON IT....
and we trust these muppets to elct our Govt???
The state of the public really depresses me....

just thought of another one..
me 4 years ago , 'Yes I'd love to take this job in customer services'...... aaarggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Mon 10 Jan 2005, 21:50, Reply)

test the nation
back when the bbc was doing test the nation online IQ tests I overherd a bunch of chavettes discussing there scores (not one over 92 I might add), one of the pack added "I got 87, but I would of got more if the questions werent so hard."

well...done...dear. o.O



P.S. Ms 87 also thinks the ideal age to reproduce is 16.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 21:37, Reply)

A winner is you.
I went to McDonalds years ago with my mum, we ordered whatever and then asked for 2 hot apple pies...
McGirl : Would you like your apple pies now?
Mum : (Very excitedly) Oh! What have I won?

She heard "Would you like your raffle prize now?" It took a few minutes to explain and calm her down.
The apple pie was delicious.

EDIT: And one from my non-b3tan friend

Mate of mine is at work and gets asked by an Irish fella "D'ya fancy a game of spankies mate?" Cue much embrassed apologies and answers in the negative. Only after the confused Irish bloke had left did he realise he must have been asking "D'ya know where the nearest bank is mate?"
(Butterdog, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 21:35, Reply)

stating the bleedin obvious
"It's always in the last place you look"
Like you're going to keep looking after you've found it.
(sandman0733, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 21:21, Reply)

Pub meals & idiots (long)
A few years ago, my family went to eat at the pub. I couldn't decide what to eat and sent my mum off to the specials board. She shouted over "They've got gammon", my reply: "No thanks, I'm not one for fish"

Another, sorry. At the weekend I had a customer come to my till. I asked him to enter his PIN when he paid for his card, and three times he got it wrong. I told him that this meant he would have to call his bank to get it unblocked. He was fuming, he complained to me that our system must be broken, because he'd entered the right number three times: "the one it's got on the screen, the price I need to pay"
(SpookTheHamster, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 21:18, Reply)

stupid
i was flying to england to meet my (quite wealthy and posh) fiancee's parents for the first time and my mum warned him that i had a habit of saying "shit" all the time, in my broad northern irish accent - where most people would say, "crikey" or whatever. So, he tells his brother and sister in law on the way from the airport and they're just waiting for me to trip up. so i'm sitting there with his dad and all, drinking earl grey from a china cup and saucer trying to make a good first impression and their dog jumps on me, tea etc flying everywhere and i'm like "shit, oh feck, there's fecking tea everywhere, i'm fecking soaked, you eejit dog!". everyone was pissing themselves laughing or trying not to laugh. since then i have had many tea related disasters/spillages/etc.

my mother in law has now got the impression i am a foul mouthed clumsy bitch who snared her son, who will one day realise the mistake he has made. plus she believes i am turning my 15 yr old daughter into a prostitute by letting her get her nose pierced. my husband does not support me - he just pisses himself laughing after every disaster.
(superbabs, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 21:15, Reply)

Customers; the new americans
As far as I can tell, the general public are a load of braindead fecking eejits, and Im glad to see some people on here seem to agree with me. To continue on a running theme, this has to do with a very silly lady and her inabilty to grasp how credit cards work, (as in the signature is on the back for a reason).
She tried to buy clothes with her husband's credit card, and done her nut when I refused to accept it as it wasn't hers. "But its my husbands', and we have a joint account", she squealed. I pointed out that I had no way of knowing who she was married to, and it was illegal for me to accept it. She started screaming about why was she was able to take money out of the cashpoint with it then, and flounced off. "Cos you know the PIN number, ya daft bitch", was me reply.
Idiots, the lot of them.
(Do The Whirlwind, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 20:58, Reply)

I used to work as
a part-timer in the warehouse for Dixons when one time a mate of mine was cracking jokes about an ill remembered plane crash over america FOLLOWING sept 11th.

Me: 'but loads of people died you evil bastard!!'
Him: 'errrr what do you mean? no one died'
Me: 'it was a fucking plane crash! of course people did!!'
Him (nodding, with an all knowing "I've won this argument" smile on his face) 'Yeah, but they didn't find any bodies did they?'

Riiiiiiiight...
(Beefs, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 20:46, Reply)

More money than sense
A friend of mine works with computers, setting up & repairing networks & systems etc., never needed to advertise his business as it's mainly spread through word of mouth & business cards and he has some very rich clients.

One of his clients phoned him up saying he couldn't boot his computer, friend told the client to check there's no disc in the floppy drive, client adamently said there wasn't, friend then went out to see the client to fix the problem of the non-booting computer.
Friend got there, saw there was a disc in the floppy drive, ejected it and said "that'll be £25 please"...
( Haku Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Three Orange Whips., Mon 10 Jan 2005, 20:21, Reply)

On a long and dull interstate trip in the US...
...i had to change my CD now and then...in the small breaks in the music i eavesdropped on my father's conversation to a middle aged american suited and booted (therefore one assumes) businessman

BM: Oh its triangular...so how big is the UK then?
Father: about 700 miles or so...
BM: oh thats quite small. Wow .So hows that tunnel thing of yours going going?
Father: Its finished.
BM:Really? So that makes getting into France and Germany easier then.
Father: Yes, well it's much faster than the ferry.
BM:Ferry?
Father: Ferry across the channel.
BM:Channel?
Father: Yes the water inbetween France and the UK.
BM: Oh so theres water inbetween?
Father:Erm, yep...the UK is an island...
BM: Really? I thought it was inbetween France and Germany in the mountains.
Father:Erm, no, its an island off the coast of France.
BM: Really? I was only in the UK a few weeks ago and we got a train into France.
(notatoosyet, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 20:17, Reply)

The Ultimate DB
(Note: DB stands for Dumb Bitch)
We were in history, and this idiotic but well intentioned girl Sarah was in our class.
The teacher was talking about the ancient Greeks with their short swords and all, jumping off the boats and stabbing their way through Persians or Trojans or whatnot, and Sarah, the poor girl asks:
"Wouldn't they be worried about getting AIDS from stabbing all those people with the same sword?"
Sarah, just because your mom and dad have AIDS from not cleaning the needle doesn't mean the ancient Greeks had to worry about it.

P.S. Both her and I are in the program for highly gifted students (or as I like to call them: stuck-up brainiacs) at our school. God save us all.
(Digitdean: Disappointing Fans Since 1989!, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 19:58, Reply)

Sorry but More Americans
Overheard in Gerard St., Chinatown, outside grocers:

American Tourist: What's that? (points)
Exasperated American Guide: That's ginger.
American Tourist: What's that?
Exasperated American Guide: Well, If you had ice cream and you wanted it to taste of ginger, you'd put some of that in it.
American Tourist: Oh I see.
( High Lord Phanty, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 19:46, Reply)

Silly Cockney
One dayWhen i working behind the bar, I was delighted to be serving a group of four cokneys. Anyhow, one of the men asked me for a Guinness.
Me: Guinness or Guinness cold?
Cockney: Why would I want a warm Guinness?
Me: I'm not offering you a warm Guinness. I'm offering you a normal Guiness or an extra cold Guiness...
Cockney: I want a cold Guiness.
Me: Ok.
So i start to slowly serve a Guinness Cold for the fellow. I notice them getting imaptient after a minute...
Cockney: What's taking so long?
Me: I'm pouring you a Guinness. It takes time sir.
Cockney: Facking hell mate. I've been waiting here for ages.
Me: Ok sir, you do know it tastes better when it's settled?
Cockney: You takin' the piss?
and so on... This conversation went on for about three minutes and was finally settled when he took a sip and complained that it was too cold. He called me a 'fick norvern cant' and wandered out the pub.

I was always under the impression that it was us Northerners that were the supposed stupid ones...
(Kayozz, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 19:09, Reply)