Chavtastic Jet Set
Honest to goodness I overheard the following conversation:
Chav 1: Where d'ya go on your 'olidays then?
Chav 2: D'know, we flew, init.

Then there was the house mate of mine who thought that the Tetris tune was the new national anthem of Russia...
(Chicken Amygdala, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 13:44, Reply)

One Simple Word.
"Madchester" instead of Manchester.

I wanted to die.
(Nolanistic, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 13:31, Reply)

Anyone remember
that band from a few years back, Skunk and Nancy? My Dad does.
(ryry, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 13:22, Reply)

classic
Sitting there one day with my girlfriends sister waiting for my girl to get ready, News was on the telly, there was an investigation being done in to a murder in London.

My girlfriends sister pipes up "why do they get scotland yard involved in all these cases, why do they get people from scotland to get involved in something in London?"

I would have let her off with that comment had she not been 17 at the time........
(Project BBQ Impossibru, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 13:22, Reply)

American army officer
Not exactly overheard, but this question has turned into a free-for-all on anything that anyone has ever said that's stupid, so what the hell.
This conversation took place sometime around the year 2000.
US army captain: I'm going on a tour of duty to Bosnia tomorrow, and I'm really scared I'm gonna get shot.
Me: There's no need to be scared - the war in Bosnia finished in 1996 and it's pretty stable there now. You won't have any major problems there, I'm sure. Where exactly in Bosnia will you be based, anyway?
US army captain: Prishtina.

I then had to point out that Prishtina was the capital of Kosovo, a province of Serbia, i.e. a totally different country to Bosnia. If he was just a regular army grunt it wouldn't have bothered me too much, but this man was an officer, expected to take life and death decisions and lead men into danger. And he didn't even know which country Prishtina was in! I'm afraid that just sums up the US military.
( Biffins Bridge, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 13:16, Reply)

Record Shop Shenannigans
When a child I worked in a record shop and had people come in and ask for the following:

"that one by Feugal Shasky"
"the Eurythmatics with Uretha Franklin"

Plus we had loads of people try to return records having played them because they "didn't like them". Cretins.
( porky, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 12:55, Reply)

I See Dead People!
My mate sal, came out with the classic
"A lot of people have died, haven't they!"

I couldn't reply to that one,

another good mate, came out with this gem as we sat bleary eyed after a night out

"So mud is what you get when you mix water and earth together?"

genius
(mort110, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 12:49, Reply)

Idiot Mate
In the "olden" days when I was young my particular group of mates had a big row about geography.
To wit "Newcastle is closer to Scotland than it is to England"!
It took about 25 minutes to explain to the bozo what he had claimed and he still wasn't happy with the explanation.
( porky, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 12:48, Reply)

Languages
I was sat in college and I heard two girls talking about holidays abroad.
"Have you ever noticed how all the waiters in the hotels speak English?" said one.
"Yeah," said the other, "they probably learn English first becuase their languages are so difficult."
(crimmins, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 12:42, Reply)

Who's in the bag
One year our family was given this game, where you have a bag full of cards. Each card has 3 names on it, of famous people. You have 2 teams, each person takes their turn to try and describe as many people in a minute. (background over)

I was playing this game with a group of friends. One girl gave us the following classics:

Her: First man on the moon
Us: Neil Armstrong?
Her: No, his brother
Us: ???

(Answer: Louis Armstrong)

Her: Lead singer from Abba, one of the guys
Us: um, er, Bjorn someone?
Her: yes, his last name!
Us: um, only Bjorn we can think of is Bjorn Borg
Her: that's him!

Her: Actor in Indiana Jones
Us: Harrison Ford
Her: No, the guy from the fourth film
Us: um, there were only 3 Indiana Jones films?

(Answer: Tom Hanks)

Fun fun

(No apologies for length, size shouldn't matter)
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 12:39, Reply)

stupid girl
she said "we must go on holiday to the dominican republic, i mean 6 cans of woodpecker cider comes upto like 99p" and she babbled on about some 75% drink (proabably some form of paint stripper) aswell but i forgot to listen to the rest
(Stalkin Bambi, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 12:33, Reply)

Stardate 68.775
When I was little, me and my nerdy dad always used to sit down to watch Star Trek - The Next Generation....and for so many years I thought Patrick Stewarts character was called Captain Log.....

Oh yeah....I met him once at Huddersfield Uni, and he tried to pull my teacher. After said wooing, our teacher turned around and said "he was nice, who was he?" Classic!
( Mr.Ons knows you can hear him, Earthmen., Thu 13 Jan 2005, 12:02, Reply)

Noah
I was driving into londo a while back, coming in down the M4 with a friend of mine who's one of those really stupid intelligent people if you know what I mean.) Driving past the Ark (weird building shaped liek a boat at hammersmith), she said to me "Is there a special reason it's shaped like that?" Me "It's the only building that would float if London flooded." her "Really........"
(Mong-the-Merciful, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 11:34, Reply)

words cannot express his moronity
My friend, (who to protect his identity I will say his name is anything but Damon) comes out with the most monumentally retarded things. I'm scratching my head and annoyed I can only think of two because he can say some crackers.
My favourites have to be his insistance that the word psuedo is pronounced suede-o and the monumental moronity that he genuinely believed that Night of the living dead was based on actual events. He answers the phones at banks now, so now you know why they're so useless.
(sadsack, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 10:14, Reply)

Whilst attending a World Evil Medical conference
the Japanese delegates would get up an take photos of the presenters' slides.
With flash.
The slides were projected onto a reflective WHITE screen...
(Doctor Evil, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 10:13, Reply)

spida - re Vertigo
It's deliberate, dude

Hmmm.... ignorance, eh? Nope, can't think of any examples.
( Spunk Murphy Tchaikovsky is a synonym for fanny, apparently, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 10:10, Reply)

"Bastard Chickens"
Years ago, I worked in Iceland, and I'll never forget the old lady who came in one day and asked in a loud voice "you got any of them bastard chickens, pet?"

She meant ready basted, of course...
(dominocat opinions only valid until, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 10:03, Reply)

chickens
Many years ago when i worked for sainsbury, i had just finished filling 7 meters of cabinets 3 deep with chickens and i had this old dear come and ask me where the chickens were.
Also i had another women ask me what was the difference with the French and English chickens, so i said that the French ones went Le cluck, she was not amuzed.


Nothing to do with supermarkets and chickens, but my g/friends mate is a school teacher and could not bring herself to tell the children that Jesus was nailed to a cross, so instead she told them they all live happerly ever after.
(funkie, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 9:53, Reply)

boss in france...
My boss took his missus on a romantic weekend to Paris.
Being the expert in romance that he is he took her to macdonalds for dinner.
feeling a little cock sure of himself (he took french as an option at school) he bowled upto the counter, said " je mapelle bigmac!"
to which the young girl, smirked and giggled, and calmly replied.

"ah, bonjour bigmac!"
(topper, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 9:07, Reply)

Oh yeah...
When I was 14, I went on a french exchange and bloody hated it. Mainly coz I couldn't speak French. One night I'd slept funny so I had a crick in my neck. I went into the kitchen in the morning, having psyched myself up to start the day with a frenchy friendly phrase. I announced 'J'ai un peu mal dans ma cou.' They fell about in helpless laughter. Except dad, who looked embarasseed. Apparently I'd pronounced it 'cul'.
Which means arse.
Arse.
P.S. My now-boyfriend's french, but being aware of the dangers, I only speak french in impolite company. Fortunately, this includes most of his family :D
(spida, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 8:23, Reply)

Wet rain
Just remembered another one...

Many years ago in my uni days, several mates and i had partaken of a few social beverages and upon walking home it started to rain. It was the kind of light misty rain, one of the lads then said,
"Damn, its wet rain!"

When we asked him to clarify what he had said, he then proceeded to tell us that there was "wet" rain, and "dry" rain which didnt get you wet.

Hmm...

Oh how we mocked.
(Fishbone-didi, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 8:07, Reply)

Irony or ignorance?
Anyone notice that U2's new (ish) song 'Vertigo' starts off with
'Uno! Dos! Tres! Catorce!'
Which, as you may remember from 1st year Spanish, means
'One! Two! Three! Fourteen!'
Is he trying to be all twelvety about it?
(spida, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 8:02, Reply)

A few
My nan, upon seeing a TNT lorry pass us on the motorway:

"Isn't it dangerous to drive around with a lorry full of dynamite?"

My old boss:

"The client is jumping up and down like an angry farmer!"

Holly Valance:

"You can give yourself cancer if you're thinking bad thoughts about people"

And folks, try and remember that it's pronounced "in excess", not "inxs".
(casper the friendly ghost, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 7:07, Reply)

A Dance of Ignorance.
I have a coworker who was home-schooled and boasts of his superiority to the rest of us who received "mainstream education" every chance he gets.

The same fellow accused me of making up Helen Keller, said that hydrogen is not flammable "because it's the wet part of water", and when the movie "Goodbye, Lenin" premiered at the theatre across the street, he proudly announced "They spelled it wrong. It's L-E-N-N-O-N," and stood smugly with his arms folded while the rest of us shook our heads in disbelief. I needn’t add that he was highly disappointed when he watched it and none of his favorite songs were in it.

Also, my parents split and my father remarried a Christian evangelist when I was in junior high school. She brought with her a daughter from a previous marriage who was three years my junior. One day we were returning from a forced church excursion when my stepsister asked “Mommy, when the cats die, will they go to heaven?”
“No,” my stepmother replied cheerily, “because the bible says they have no souls. But there will be animals in heaven because the bible says that the lion and the lamb will lay down together.” To this, sullen twelve year old me spoke up.
“Doesn’t that just mean that the strong and the weak will be created equal?”
“NO!” My stepmother shrieked, flames curling at her nostrils “it means that there will be LIONS and LAMBS!”
Shortly thereafter, I decided to follow in my mother’s footsteps and became a Jew.
(Fishy_Queen, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 4:45, Reply)

pure ignorance
i squeezed past the police van into the bank and waited and waited to be served
finally i kept my hand on the buzzer
when a girl came out crying she apoligised
becose they had just been robbed .
were is that black hole to swallow you when its
needed
(blueblood, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 4:29, Reply)

Rank Idiocy
My mum was an English teacher, and was marking a pupil's coursework, when she read something along the lines of "Lady Macbeth washed her hands to try and get rid of her guilt which we will discuss further in chapter 3". I doubt the boy passed.

I also have a mate who is, shall we say, famous for being a bit gullible. I once said to him "In the next series of 24 the series will be 25 hours long because Jack Bauer's watch breaks and he has to go to H Samuels to get it fixed and it takes about an hour". I could've strung it out for ages, but I was so shocked when he actually believed me I just laughed.

He also stopped everyone during a kickabout in the park, pointed up and shouted "Hey everyone, look, its a spaceship!". When we looked it was a jumbo jet. His explanation - "Well it was going upwards!"

Thought of another one, I was working in Quasar (the laser gun place) explaining how to play the game to the kids etc, and I got asked about four times in one summer "How do you fire the gun?"
(Dowbocop, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 2:02, Reply)

"Do you know what a thesaurus is?" "Yeah, it's a dinosaur."
That was one of my embarrassments when younger.

At school, someone said that if you shave your pubes they NEVER grow back. Nobody was willing to try it to see whether it was true.

Americans provide lots of fun online:

4th July:
"So what were the fireworks like there?"
"Um... we don't celebrate the 4th July."
"Why not?"
"Because it's an American holiday to remember your independence from the British."
"Yeah, so?"
"So why the hell would the British celebrate it?"
"You could at least have a fireworks show."

Thanksgiving:
"So was your turkey good?"
"Um... we don't celebrate Thanksgiving..."
( SqueakyG, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 1:52, Reply)

Pheasant
I work at a mainline railway station, and we get all sorts of dead things stuck to the trains.....
There was a pheasant, completely intact.
"There's nothing wrong with it, it's just dead"
says me.
(davric, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 1:41, Reply)

Oh, and another one:
I once spouted the gem

"I include clauses in all my statements!"

B'oh.
(Girly Gerard contrary to popular belief, the manliest man, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 1:10, Reply)