Minute's silence
A couple of years ago, we stopped for the Remembereance Day silence at college. The usual way of signalling this was a long ringing of the fire bell, then we all shut up. At which point, a classmate jumped out of his chair and punched the air, and shouted "YEEESSS!! FIRE DRILL!!"
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Thu 13 Jan 2005, 21:55, Reply)

american tourists
(i'm american)

1. americans don't think before they say things, and in general, don't like being told they're wrong
2. there aren't any british tourist stories because who in their right mind would come here?
3. after making fun of my friend for being stupid he responded, "I'm not slow, I'm tall!"
( abandonnship, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 21:51, Reply)

Not sure if this is incredibly intelligent or stupid
When told about the clocks going back, my six year old wanted to know "where does the hour go Mummy?"

Thinking myself pretty intelligent (until this point), I just mumbled and told him to look it up on the internet, and spouted some shit about discovery being better if you do it yourself...
(Peelmytangerines, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 21:36, Reply)

A couple of weeks ago,
whilst watching a BBC news item about David Blunkett, my friend said: 'is David Blunkett blind?" Aww
(Bobby T, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 21:23, Reply)

Lord of the Rings
The day after a few friends and I saw The Two Towers (being the second of the LOTR trilogy - and the first one that gollum properly features in) we were sat in our college canteen discussing said Gollum and how clever the actor Andy Serkis had been in his portrayal. Up pips friend:

Friend: 'He was played by an actor!?'
Us: 'Yeah, Andy Serkis'
Friend: 'Oh My God! The poor guy!'
Us: 'Huh? I'm sure he was pretty happy with the role'
Friend: 'Yeah, but he must be so thin. And short.'

Cue much laughter and general ridicule at said friend. We tried to explain the technology behind it but she wouldn't have it. She still goes on about men with anorexia today. Some people.

Bit long, apologies.
( demondethe, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 20:47, Reply)

Stupid
My sister last night, whilst playing Scrabble-

"Dad, what does X-ray start with?"

She thought it started with E.
(mrmistoffeles, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 20:46, Reply)

Had this little gem last night at work.
Okay, so I work in a video store. I'm a customer service rep; meaning I spend half my time on till and the other half trying to talk sense into dumbasses who can't grasp the various concepts that make up a video store.

Last night, I was working the closing shift, and around 9 pm a woman came in with her father and wanted to set up an account. Fine, no problem. When that was done and she'd rented her movies, she asked me when they were due back. I told her "They'll be due back on friday by 11 PM."

Her response?

"At night?"

For the record, she was blond.
(megomobile, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 20:21, Reply)

Chatrooms.....
A couple of years ago in an AO Hell american chatroom...

Redneck.......'So where are you from dude?'

Me............'The UK'.

Redneck.......'You commie pinko bastard!'

Me............'What?'

redneck........'rant rant grrrrrrr etc'

Thie tirade of abuse went on for a while....buggered if i could understand why he thought that being from the UK could possibly be considered communist.

Finally another room member decided to tell him..... UK means the United Kingdom, Not the Ukraine!!!........ What a numpty!
(vamp1refrog, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 20:10, Reply)

My sister
100% fact: My sister's thumbs are not at all identical. One looks like a normal thumb, and the other is short, stumpy and misshapen (like both of mine are). This bothers her very much.

One day, she and my mom came to pick me up from work. While they were waiting, my sister starts to ponder getting plastic surgery to correct her thumb issues. Finally, she decides to announce for all of the restaurant to hear "I think I need a hand job!"
(pk, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 20:05, Reply)

Absolutely brilliant one today.
Me and 2 friends, one of whom is wheelchair bound, were just walking (yes, I know) back to college having had lunch. We took a shortcut round the back of Asda where it was very muddy and the ground was sloping so my friend's wheelchair was slipping and sliding all over the place. Some women walked past as this was going on and what did she say?

"It'd probably be easier just to walk wouldn't it?"

I nearly died laughing. That had to be the most insensitive statement of the year! I'm still wondering if she was incredibly thick and didn't realise he couldn't walk or if it was just a cruel joke.

On the subject of geography and the US: I agree with Ken3005. I may not know where every town/state/city is in the US but I know where it is, I know its capital and most of the major cities/states and I don't generally confuse it with other countries like Canada. There is a world of difference between being unable to point out North Carolina on a map and believing that England is in London.

That is all
(Mr Slippyfist, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 19:56, Reply)

Communism redefined by blonde
Behold the wonder of my old friend Kimmie. Very intelligent, but zero common sense. Every day I'm amazed that she aces exams. Why? Take this example:

At a pub one night, I was trying to explain to her about communism after a barrage of questions about a political discussion the rest of us were having. I talked her through the basics of the idea, and when she asked for an example of a communist country I was certain she'd got it. "Well, for example, China is a communist country" says I.

She replied with "Why, is it because they all look the same?"

She wasn't making a joke and she's not racist, by the way. Not knowingly anyway. And yes, she is a natural blonde.

PS - In reply to dogfish's last post, I believe that most guns don't work underwater. Joke's on you!
(T.A.F.K.A. doctorsax http://www.badphorm.co.uk, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 19:32, Reply)

CV
I'm an editor. A couple of years ago, I received a CV, which announced in lovely, shiny big letters that the writer was:

'An experienced and excellent poofreader'.

Hur hur.
(Lizzle, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 19:27, Reply)

Years ago Mr Bum Plops and I trotted merrily along to buy our first ever mobile phones.

The sales assistant was lovely, describing how to turn them on, how to scroll through menus, how to charge etc.

He started to show us how to insert the battery and had, in the process, removed one from the back of one of the phones.

Mr Bum Plops decided to ask about how to add credit to the phone (those scratch off pay-as-you-go vouchers)and came out with...

"So is this where you slot in the voucher?"

The sales assistant and I promptly burst out laughing.

Bless him....he's smart really.....honest...
(bum plops, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 19:23, Reply)

Foop; US Geography
Take your point. Valid? Yes.

However, I know the US is sandwiched between Canada and Mexico, they speak English (more or less), roughly where the big cities are, and when I go there on holiday I do not assume their delightful and interesting country should be on my cultural terms.

I wouldn't dream of correcting shop assistants that the first floor of a department store is infact the ground floor, or that the sidewalk is actually called the pavement, by the way.
I find it hard to accept that some, not all by any means, US tourists can not actually think that they are somewhere different from home, which has its own way of doing things.

And dont get me started on the Service Culture Myth......
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 18:52, Reply)

Bless him.....
A couple of years ago my beloved bf went to his work Xmas party. I was having a quiet night in and called him at 11.30 to see when he would be back and he said he was just leaving. So off I went to bed.
I woke up at about 5.30 and he wasn't back. I was a bit worried by this so tried to call him but the phone kept ringing. I tried another few times and the phone just kept ringing. I was really starting to panic so couldn't get back to sleep.
At 8.30 I heard a shaky key in the door. I got up to see a v drunken bf walking in the door. At this point I exploded and screamed and cried at him for the next 10 minutes (in a typlically understated way). After I'd finished he produced a carrier bag.
He said he had tried to get some flowers but couldn't see any so he'd bought me 2 grapefruits for breakfast.
They were apples (that's what staying up all night drinking whisky does to you).
Thought that counts though I suppose!
First post by the way - woo!!
(colamonster, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 18:15, Reply)

Mystery Woman
Art History. College. Renaissance art; plenty of Mother Mary and Christ Child images. Ditzy drug-addict rave queen (nicknamed herself White Fluffy Cloud) raises her hand. "Ummmm. Yeah. What's with all these paintings of women and babies?"
(Ambassador Strangelove COVERED IN PORK, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 18:12, Reply)

In a very nice restaurant in Philadelphia...
I was staying in a very nice hotel in Philadelphia (circa 1996), went down for lunch and ordered myself a chicken korma, pilau rice and a keema naan (nothing to do with the story, just reminiscing about how good it was!)....

In walked some sweaty trucker (dirty red cap, checkered shirt, dirty jeans and a bodywarmer) the size of a barn, he walks up to the bar and orders 'a brewski', his words not mine...

Waiter brings over my food, we exchange small talk, next thing I know the sweaty trucker has sat himself down opposite me, he then asks me...

ST: Hey Buddy, you from the UK?
ME: Yeah
ST: So what do you think of the IRA?

I lose my appetite, and he was on about the Irish Republican Army not the IRA they have over there!

Twat!
(Mandingo, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 18:08, Reply)

at a festival in sunny oxfordshire a couple of years ago
a friend of mine (lets call him scoda because he is called that cuz he is a bit slow) and met these 2 irish girls, the first thing he said to them was "what part of scotland sre you from?" then after they corrected him as to their nationality he says "have you seen brave heart? thats set in scotland"

the moral of the story: kids buckle up, you never know when you will be in a car accident and sustain a massive head injury
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 17:47, Reply)

reading this brings back memories
of R.E class all those years ago, we were being taught about hinduism and the teacher asked what a hindu temple would smell like que the dozy chav at the back (who was also ginger)spouting out "curry!" wanker
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 17:31, Reply)

Total ´tard
"chav is a description of a type of behaviour"

My grandad always used to say: ´Tis better to let people THINK that you're an idiot than to let them KNOW that you are.

Apeloverage... we KNOW!!
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 13 Jan 2005, 17:31, Reply)

I misread this question as 'puce ignorance' at first
But why take the piss out of people for not being aware of the colour between red and purple?

Anyway, two examples of stupidity;

1: A Schoolfriend of mine once came out with a gem in a history class- "If blacks were discriminated against in 60's America, why was Neil Armstrong allowed to be the first man to land on the moon?" Turns out that he was convinced that Neil and Louis Armstrong were brothers...

2: The obligatory stupid American tourist one.

American tourist 1 (outside King's College Cambridge, looking at a sign saying 'King's College' with his guidebook open at the Cambridge page with a large labelled picture of King's college): "Where's this then?"

American Tourist 2: "Must be King's College College I guess"

American Tourist 1: "Wow... looks like it must be 100 years old or something"

(I resisted the tempation to butt in and tell them that my college is actually three times older then their country)

Gah. They must have been Red Staters I suppose.
( Shrub Rocketeer is a twisted emotional husk, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 17:20, Reply)

friend in college
coincidentally called katy dimmer, by the end of teh year we had enough material form her to wirte the lttle book of dimmerisms but he only one that comes to mind right now is when my firends and i were commenting on the fact that our biology teacher had just gone on maternity leave she interupted us with the classic
"she cant be on aterity leave because she is already pregnent!"
the concept of conception leave was born on that day, wouldnt that be brillaint?

(insert cliché that subtly hints at male organs here)
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 17:01, Reply)

Overheard.....
2 guys jibbering bollox in a pub.
1st guy "Drowning would be the worst way to die"
2nd guy "Yeah - I'd hate to be trapped under ice and drown."
1st guy "If you had a gun and you were trapped under the ice, would you shoot yourself?"
2nd guy "Yeah man, definitely"



SHOOT THE FRIKIN ICE, MORONS !
( dogfish, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 17:01, Reply)

Hey Beastie -Doesn't England border
with Scotland and Wales ?
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 16:57, Reply)

The shame. The shame.
Argh! One of mine, and remembering it is truly making me cringe.
I was in Germany on a business trip a month or so ago. Wicked - 5* hotel suite, awesome food, plentiful alcohol and drugs - fantastic hospitality - generally a great time.
I was talking to the truly lovely group of German people I'd gone out to meet about useless I am at any living languages - I did Latin and Ancient Greek, very useful these days - and they decided to teach me a few phrases. All cool until they got to German for goodbye, Tschuss, which sounds kind of like 'juice'. However, i was a bit worse for wear, due to the hospitality I've mentioned before, and misheard it.
Cue me announcing loudly to a packed table: German for goodbye is JEWS? What a weird coincidence!
Tumbleweed moment. Believe.
(mookroolz, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 16:55, Reply)

Sorry... more americans...
One of my mother's workmates (Phillipa) visited America. Whilst over there she was in conversation with some yank and the conversation went as follows...

Yank - So where do you come from?
Phillipa - England
Yank - Ah, That's in Europe isn't it? Which country does it border with?
Phillipa - Well... it doesn't really border with any European country... it's an island.
Yank - What do you mean?
Phillipa - An island... meaning that it's surrounded by the ocean.
Yank - Oh... *ponders for a moment* So how do you get off that then?

Nice...
( Beastie is doing science with his arse, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 16:54, Reply)

School Daze
Back in my days of secondary education I had a friend who was somewhat erm... 'special'. He was forever coming out with classics, but this is his best.

Walking home from school one summers evening and we were nearing his house when we stumbled across a lovely pedigree dog sat in the back of a car.

"Look at that lovely Weimaraner over their" I opined.

"Dur, you are so thick sometimes" he says... "That's a Volvo".

*silence*
( TooMuch2AM, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 16:53, Reply)