Before anyone else does it...
Scrubs

Nurse: You know doctor, I'm getting a little tired of your sexual innuendo.


Todd: In YOUR endo!
(Milo Minderbinder, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:42, 1 reply)

I thought I could go on all night with these
but I just don't have any more to give.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:41, Reply)

My little brother once asked me for advice on a mobile phone
He wanted to know what I thought of Sony Erections.

He was only 12 at the time, bless.

Accidental? My flatmate cheerfully informs me that he was probably wanking furiously all the time at that age hence erections being on the mind - I choose to ignore it.

*blissful ignorance*
(pineappleunderthesea mortal enemy of the apple since, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:40, Reply)

Regular work type fare
Tasked with installing a new laser printer at work I was busy trying to prise the wedged device from is polystyrine coccooned box. After much straining and grunting I managed to release the object from its bonds with a hearty gasp of relief. A female co colleague after watching the whole procedure then exclaimed "With all that groaning and straining I was expecting you to be getting out something a lot bigger than that!"

Of course I was obliged to tell her that this wasn't the first time I'd heard this.

Length? I think I just answered that.
( Smithlick is often seen at the bottom of threads, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:40, Reply)

Inappropriate...
In a maths lesson, my pair of glasses finally gave up the ghost and fell apart. I had to go down on my hands and knees to look for the various bits to put them back together.

At which point, my teacher walked in, saw me under the desk, and asked what the hell I was doing.

"Looking for a screw, sir!" came the cheery reply. He blushed, everyone else laughed at me.

The inappropriate bit? I was 11 at the time.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:37, Reply)

In my GCSE maths class...
...back in the days of the old school, one of my friends was talking loudly about how he'd just got himself a job working for Kentucky Fried Chicken, when our attractive young lady teacher overheard and said:

'Does that mean if i come in you'll give me a large portion?'

Laugh? Laugh!? 15 years on and it still makes me chuckle like a 14 year old school boy. I'm laughing again now, 'large portion!' lolz!
(Dean, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:36, Reply)

Scientists are mature, thoughtful people, right? (pt.1)
...no, they're really not.

I'm currently working with a post-doc who isn't technically my supervisor - more of a mentor - on upgrading the instrument which I'll be using.

A few weeks ago, this involved replacing the thermistors - small temperature probes, which had to be inserted into the appropriate holes in the black-bodies, with the aid of a substance known as Electrolube.

The spectacle of a first-year PhD student and a 30-something post-doc bursting into fits of childish laughter provide a strong correlation in favour of us never growing up.

I suppose a length joke would be appropriate to this qotw...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:36, 3 replies)

I'm gonna give you an
In-you end-oh!
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:36, Reply)

Hmm...
www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2008/jun/12/4

Coincidence? I think not.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:35, 1 reply)

Apparently they discover "a mysterious box"

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:32, 9 replies)

I Swear This Is True...
.
In my local, back in the UK, I walked into the pub for a pint. And Fester, the landlord, had just started a new barmaid.

She had the biggest set of tits I've ever seen. Obviously surgically enhanced, but impressive just the same. I could imagine her as a stripper and I could even imagine her act.

She'd crawl up onto the stage and just try to stand up.

Yes, she was that top-heavy.

Anyway, so I get to the bar and she asks me what I want. I never could resist a good feed-line.

"Pint of Titbread Wankard please!"


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:30, Reply)

Winter wear
This last winter, my girlfiend bought herself a muff to keep her hands warm.

I don't really need to go on, do I?
(davywavy, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:29, 1 reply)

A rose by any other name...
My mum's elderly next door neighbour: "Ooooh, aren't they lovely penises!"

She meant peonies.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:28, Reply)

Wrong word, rather than innuendo
Was in Tesco's a couple of years back, shortly after 'pro-biotic' yoghurt arrived on the shelves for the first time. Two old dears were looking at this new fangled product and in an attempt to explain the concept one said to the other "This yoghurt contains living orgasms"
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:26, 3 replies)

Richard
I used to work with a girl who, when she hadn't seen someone for a while, say "I haven't seen a lot of X this morning."

You know: "I haven't seen a lot of Brian today" or "I haven't seen a lot of Amy this afternoon."

This worked well until one day when a bloke called Richard has been out of the office for a while.

"I haven't seen a lot of Dick this morning."
(BearWithLittleBrain, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:26, Reply)

Wear sunscreen
My ex-fiancé's mother is a lovely lady but very, very much the Irish Catholic mammy. Even when he and I were engaged and living together she'd make us sleep in separate rooms when we visited.

We were talking about the weather and how hot it had been.

"Ooh, you have such fair skin, and that auburn hair - you need to be careful. Do you use protection?"

I glanced at her son - my intended husband - who only that morning had sneaked into the bathroom with me for some early fun.

"Yes. Yes I do," I confidently replied, then left before I started giggling childishly.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:23, Reply)

Yay, just heard on this morning
He's got hair that's rather muff looking.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:23, Reply)

It's my floppy
I'm not sure if it can take five and a quarter inches...
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:22, Reply)

Shamelessly Stolen from anther site
My octogenarian mother loves to feed the birds - her garden is always full of bird food and has an unbelievable number of birds living there.

She particularly likes watching the blue tits attacking the balls of fat that you can buy and she hangs these immediately outside her kitchen window.

Whilst I visited her recently, she asked me if I would take her to the local farm supply shop so she could stock up on bird food. When we got there, the owner, probably 70 years old himself, was working behind the counter.

I gather up all the stuff she wanted but the balls of fat were nowhere to be seen. Nonplussed, Mother hobbles over to the counter (she walks with the aid of crutches) and says hello to the owner, who obviously knows her as she is a regular.

Then she drops her bombshell.

"Have you got Fat Balls?"

I stood behind her and bit my lip to stop from laughing. The poor owner could only clench his teeth to prevent doing the same - and waved his arm in the direction of where they were now sited. As I watched Mums neck I could see the colour slowly rising up and with remarkable speed she rushed off to the Fat Ball counter.

I laughed all the way home while she sat there muttering "I cant believe I said that".........
(conanow, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:21, 2 replies)

guilty pleasure
posting 15 weeks late

sorry
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:20, 4 replies)

All of my innuendos
are intentional...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:19, Reply)

Not me but
When I was working at my last place a guy came in to pick up his newly castrated dog and uttered the immortal line..."I'm here to get lucky".
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:19, 10 replies)

It's not just humans that have these problems
but also used bus-tickets.

In a certain housing estate in West Bromwich, there's a local bus-service. Tickets are validated by tearing a part of them off. From the ticket's point of view, this is beneficial, as both parts of the ticket hate eachother. However, one ticket was forgotten about and was left in a corner to accumulate dust. It was discovered months later and finally used and torn in two. It was so glad to be separated that it made an exclamation of triumph. This event repeated itself several times and in local pub quizzes, the following question is used (followed by the answer).

"What says "Ha"?" "Dusty Yew Tree ticket stumps."

EDIT: GAH! QOTW change!
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:18, Reply)

I'll
give it one


Edit: Oooo, I'm on top of Enzyme.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:17, 2 replies)

First!
...page. Damn.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:16, Reply)

Hard One This Week
Fnurr,fnurr.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:16, 1 reply)

Woooo!
In your face everyone else!

A while back after a heavy night drinking myself and my mate were walking home when we came to one of those junctions that have a crossing a few yards away from the corner and metal fencing on the corners (to stop drunk people falling into the cars).

One of the fences was broken so I went around it whilst my friend walked all the way up to the crossing, while I was laughing he called out "You always have to be difficult don't you?" To which I replied, loudly and in front of several groups of lads

"No - I'm easy!"
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:16, 4 replies)