was once walking through town...
wit about 5 mates, we were going to a coffee shop for a sit down and relax (i loved free periods) and then a couple of chavs come downthe streets on bikes jeering at us.

mate of mine: "Shouldn't you be in school?"

chav: "shouldn't you be a chav?"

this made us all break into histerics and the chav looked at us as if we were mad and rode off defeated. ineducated little bollockhead.

Also in my villiage when i was growing up there was a little twat by the name of Daniel Pratt.

"Pratt by name Prat by nature" was very appropriate to the little turdburgler
(commodore modesty, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:20, Reply)

Flame On...
I wish I could take credit for this but I can't. I was even nominated for an award for it in Alt.Tasteless back in 1999 but had to disqualify myself as it wsn't my original work. I'd had it lying around for ages after I found it in the middle of a flame-war on Usenet. I still occasionally send it to fuckwits who annoy me. Apologies for naff formatting.

Legless


You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. I'll bet
you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk,
a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf,meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselfs in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would
have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb.
You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted flapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid.
Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.

This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of your of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful.
I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success.

True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space.I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:14, Reply)

My favourites at the moment
Nob

Cocsocket.
(kitescreech still here, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:09, Reply)

And on the subject of cows
A Scottish expression used to describe a clumsy fellow is:

"Ye're like a coo wi' a gun!"
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:06, Reply)

Bernard Cribbins inspired.
Anyone remember a programme called "Cuffy" about a dirty, smelly, stupid tramp?
Guess what the big insult was at my school.

And one from a pub in Stafford. (Try to imagine this in a thick Staffordshire accent.)
"Yow Jam-Strangling Pig!"
(Big D, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:05, Reply)

conception question
sat it a night club after an evening of beverages
I over heard a laydee being chatted up by a genetically deficient gentle fellow who had the charisma of quim . she asked straight faced " ask your mother if you were strained throught the bed sheets on conception?"
he didnt get it but it made me spit my drink out.

I had one that would cut to the very soul, but I thought it was funny when a client shouted "hope you get raped!" to me because they were unable to have things their own way.
my only come back to that was "thanks ! you too"
(fpk, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:05, Reply)

When referring to someone
doing badly a task which requires a modicum of accuracy -

"Couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo whilst holding its tail"
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:04, Reply)

In under 24 hours...

We've nearly matched the total size of last week's QOTW.

Does this mean that we're better at insulting each other than we are about doing our jobs and finding out the dirty secrets of our trade?


...


ah.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:03, Reply)

a couple i remember from my school days
in a lesson once we were introduced to the term "Crapweasel". speaks for itself but the ones i remember most were the ones that were created during the breaks between lessons.

i always enjoy and can't help but laugh when i hear the terms Bollock head and scrotum face
(commodore modesty, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:01, Reply)

If you were any dumber....
you'd need a helmet
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:58, Reply)

Probably bindun...


How can anybody be that stupid with just the one head?




*buddum tish*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:57, Reply)

Snotweasel
"Snotweasel" was a new coinage in that last post. Completely spontaneous.

Quite like it - will use it again...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:56, Reply)

At school...
in my A-level English set there was a girl - hello, Sarah - who made use of the word "Gifford" as an insult (as in, "You gifford".)

Cue much hilarity when we started studying Thomas Hardy, one of whose wives was called Emma Gifford.

Oh, you had to be there, you sour-faced snotweasels.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:55, Reply)

Legless...

reminds me of this one...

"you know what I hate most about you?



......




...the top half"
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:55, Reply)

An Old Fav...
.

"Do you know what I like about you?



"Fuck all"

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:53, Reply)

Your momma...
A friend and I got into an email 'your Momma so fat/easy/...' competition a few years ago. It stopped when I told him that she was easier than the Sun coffee time crossword.

I felt proud that I broke him.

Thank you, I'd like to leave this game now.
(Neostenine's maker, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:53, Reply)

At school:
I cant remember the kids real name now, but he was about 4 foot tall well into the 5th year, and had a 6'4 ego.

But once during a post footy game shower, he swaggered through the showers with his tiny cock on show for anyone who was interested.

Hence from that moment on, he was known as "Maggot".
(Vic Flange, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:50, Reply)

Monkey Monkey
Ages ago, when I was out running. Some bloke shouted "show us your monkey".

I'm still not sure if I am insulted.

If I had known what he meant at the time, I may have indeed shown him my monkey.
(lympicita_ie, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:49, Reply)

@pooflake
You say your friends don't have a nickname for you that they only use behind your back...but how do you know they're telling the truth?

Anyway, going from your own self-portrait, how about 'fattyskipgob'?

OK I never was much good at thinking up nicknames. Except the time I got everyone at Uni to call some guy 'Nursie' because his real name was Bernard. That one really stuck, in spite of all his efforts to stamp it out. Har har!
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:46, Reply)

Nickname based Insults
Not so much an insult but more of a very poor nickname. However it was very insulting for the young boy.

I'm going to break the fourth wall here ever so slightly and let it fly loose that I play the gentlemanly game of rugby football. Horrible business but it sure as hell beats anything else I can physically do. I digress however.

On the way back from a game of this bovine sport, questions were asked of some of the newer members of the Dundee University Rugby Team. Beers passed and the questions became more invasive. Eventually the question was asked of a man, lets call him Cameron (For his mother certainly does) if he had gone to Glasgow High School. He replied he had. He was then asked if he knew a man called Robin. He replied he did. He was then asked if Robin had an older brother called Toby. He replied he did. He was then asked if Toby was gay. He replied he was.

And as such this poor boy shall forever be known around campus and upon pitches as Toby Robin.
(TheVomitingCavalier entered one image challenge and failed miserably, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:45, Reply)

Pooflake...
Try 'funtclaps' on for size. Let me know if it fits...
( dan j what the buggery bollocks is this?, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:45, Reply)

Serendipity
Sometimes things just line up precisely at the right time. Kind of like the mystical alignments of the planets in a Buffy episode. This is one of them.

I was drinking in my local with a couple of mates and the usual barflies. One of the lads at the bar, coincidently he was one of the blokes who had been shagging my wife, said:

"Good day today. I just found twenty quid in the gutter"

"Last thing I found in the gutter, I married" I growled.

And the serendipity part? A couple of feet down the bar was my ex-wife, for once, buying her own drink. She went purple.

By God I enjoyed that one...

And yes, I'm still bitter.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:45, Reply)

Bitchy schoolgirls
"You're so ugly nobody will ever want to have sex with you."

We were ten!
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:42, Reply)

one I've actually used -
"thanks, I'll write that down [makes 'writing' gestures with finger]. But you'll notice I'm not using a pen, just my finger. And I'm writing on air. Also, if you look closely, I'm not making letters, just squiggles."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:39, Reply)

A developer in my last job
Was called Chopper.
(Vic Flange, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:36, Reply)

The pooflake appeal...

Firstly, may I say that I am enjoying the current QOTW immensely, and I don’t want to throw a cock-ring into the custard or anything, but disasterprone’s post about nicknames gave me an idea.

Like DP, I am one of those people that you all know between your relative circle of friends as ‘the cunt that dishes out the nicknames that always seem to stick’. However, the gaggle of brain dead mootants I socialise with are utterly incapable of giving me any kind of nickname whatsoever…insulting or not…I wouldn’t mind. My real name is as dull as whale shit so I would welcome, indeed embrace any alternative.

some of my friends include Furious, Hootie, trotter, cheesy, Jungle, Skid, Speed, and stalker... all pretty much for reasons you wouldn't expect.

and what do I get? Fuck-splintering-all.

I dunno, I've got many piss-taking, nickname-worthy faults...I'm fat, I've got a gob like a skip...and nobody can think of anything. cunts.

I've even asked if I've got a nickname that's so bad it's only said behind my back....but no.

and everybody knows there'snothing worse in the world than having to give YOURSELF a nickname...and even if you did...it'd never stick.

If only I knew some of you people...*whine*

Ps – Pooflake is my cat’s name
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:29, Reply)

If we must sink to homophobic jibes
'Fudgepacker' stands supreme.
(frankspencer, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:28, Reply)

The other day
My friend came out with "You are an ineffably detestable simpleton and a maniacal, air-polluting depravity of genetics." To which another friend replied "you are a disgrace to hygiene" Simple but true.

The smelly bugger.
(MutantSixtyFour isn't doing his work on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:27, Reply)

Falklands
The troops in serving the Falklands were asked to stop calling the locals "Bennies"

So they started calling them "Still"

As in "Still Bennies!"
(Jugular, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:24, Reply)

I just said of a colleague at work...
.."could find his arse with both hands"
(Vic Flange, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:23, Reply)