Encounters between groups of sci-fi film space ships
with a universally-agreed 'up' direction. They ought to be turned into soup.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 22:18, 10 replies)

Amish Information Systems reminded me
of when MPs and newspapers etc talk about a rise in VAT or income tax and say "that now makes VAT 20 pence in the pound".
I don't need to be spoken to like an imbecile, I can understand percentages. I know what 20% means.
I guess it made sense when we used pounds shillings and pence but we don't need it since we went decimal which was 40 sodding years ago.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 4 Apr 2011, 22:16, 6 replies)

A few..
When someone leaves the hoover switched on and just unplugs it so it splutters to life as soon as you plug the damn thing in. Oh, and when people use the phrase "step up to the mark" on Jeremy Kyle. No idea why that one bugs me so much... Last one - Grating cheese. No idea at all why I dislike it, it's hardly a particularly strenuous task.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 22:12, 1 reply)

The 'Drive Thru''
THE FUCKING DRIVE THRU'! Especially where there is space for the two extra characters.
(Bob Frapples is de-lurking on, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 22:11, 4 replies)

The sound of a fizzy drink being poured into a glass
Like on an ad on the radio for beer or coke or whatever, the closer it gets to the top of the glass...
...makes me want to peel my scalp off from the back.
(Soots, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 22:03, 2 replies)

Dissident Irish Republicans are very annoying.

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 4 Apr 2011, 21:49, 2 replies)

computers
On telly. They never run any recognisable OS, and make lots of twittery beeping noises whenever some text is displayed. If my computer made that noise, it would find itself thrown out of the window within minutes of being booted up.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 21:42, 18 replies)

People who say things like 'Robert Nesta Marley' or 'Stephen Patrick Morrissey'.
I don't know whether to hate them or thank them for saving my valuable time and marking themselves out as pricks, thus meaning that I can avoid them without fear that I'm missing out on worthwhile interaction.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 21:38, 1 reply)

Hollywood-style CPR and its associated procedures.
Every time I see it carried out in films and on merkin TV shows, it seems to drift further and further away from reality, unnecessarily raising people's expectations of what it can achieve should it be carried out in real life. My irritation has become such that I've started hating what are otherwise perfectly good films because of it (for example, The Abyss) :(
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 21:35, 5 replies)

when...
...people who aren't Northern occassionally put on a kind of psuedo Northern accent for no reason.

What are you up too tonight?
Ooh! I dornt really norr!
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 21:30, 13 replies)

Short people
My Mrs has an irrational hatred of short people. I'm not talking about dwarfs (or whatever they are called these days) but people who are just generally short. Apparantly it has something to do with their short arms.

I think that she might be a bit mental!
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 21:24, 2 replies)

The word 'gusset'.
I have no idea why, but it almost makes me do a little sick every time I hear it. It just conjures up thoughts of huge lady knickers beloved of females over "a certain age" (you never hear the word associated with male undercrackers, for some reason), rather than delicate little fairy hammocks.

Being a stationery ordering type many years ago, I'd go into spasmodic dry heave mode every time I had to order a new consignment of gusseted envelopes.

I might have to lie down, now.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 4 Apr 2011, 21:24, 5 replies)

God, I am VENTING this week
I was watching tele a little while ago, and had Relocation, Relocation on. Nothing wrong with that, that Kirsty bird is quite fit in a teacher way and it was an old one where she was a bit younger and hadn't put on a bit. All going well with an attractive woman who was looking for a new house in Kent or somewhere.

And then it happened.

My man Phil pulls his phone out his pocket, and rings the woman looking for a house. AND THERE'S A FUCKING CAMERA WHERE SHE IS. What a bloody coincidence! No? What, you mean the camera has always been there, and she probably knew she was going to get the call, and had been briefed before on what was going to happen? Say it ain't so! Kirsty and Phil wouldn't do that to me! But wait, is that shoddy acting? I think it is.

WHY OH WHY DO TV SHOWS FEEL THE NEED TO DO THIS? Just have them on speaker, or at least have a shot of them obviously waiting for a call. Why does it all have to look impromptu and surprising?

It's the same when a presenter knocks on someone's front door, it gets answered, BUT THERE'S ALREADY A BASTARD CAMERA IN THE HOUSE. Why do that? There's no bloody need for it. These people aren't actors, they shouldn't even try.

It's bloody annoying, because it's so unnecessary! Why don't they just make it how it would have been naturally? It's little things like that that actually ruin TV for me, because it happens on shows I actually want to watch. If it was on Big Brother or some other shite like that then I wouldn't care, it wouldn't affect me, because I'd never have to see it. But on Relocation? And Grand Designs? Come on, these are meant to be shows for adults (not that I claim to be that). Why do these childish shots?

SORT IT OUT.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Mon 4 Apr 2011, 21:22, 7 replies)

Robert Preston Smith
I just find myself thinking "why are you talking like that you stupid cunt"
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 4 Apr 2011, 21:18, 1 reply)

Robin Banks...
Those litle puns he makes on 'How it's Made' that aren't really puns at all, they're always delivered in exactly the same way with a rising then falling tone - Twunt!
( JamHamster My eyes, my beautiful eyes!, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 21:07, 3 replies)

Anyone who has described something as a 'good networking oppurtunity'.
Parts of my body hurt when I hear that phrase. The worst part is that the people that use it assume they're selling it to me, which obviously means they must think I'm some sort of cunt.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 20:59, 1 reply)

Computer viruses
Specifically, the overweight spotty virgin who last saw ladybits when he fell out of his own mother's who has spent his time making Vista Antivirus 2011 run in safe mode, block all my browsers and crash my computer when I start shutting its processes down. Really, did you think I wanted to spend my one free evening off from lab this week fighting to get some sort of software to fix my main desktop onto it while your fucking cunty program blocks me at every turn? Get a real job you lazy piece of wanking pus-riddled fat. Stop bullying innocent people into giving you their bank details or I wish eternal torture by Ag-a-doo being played at your mercilessly while Jeremy Clarkson makes papercuts between your toes and Vanessa Feltz gyrates in a pick velour jumpsuit telling you how Jordan's ruined her latest marriage. You sir, are a cunt. The lowest piece of scum ever found on this earth. You are not even fit to writhe and slime between the microscopic balls of Nick Clegg.

*And breathe*
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 20:56, 13 replies)

The A1.
Or, more specifically, the bit of the A1 that runs through Northumberland between Morpeth and Berwick upon Tweed. It shouldn't irk me so much; it's a road, like many others, except that unlike many other major trunk roads, the bit in question is almost all single carriageway and therefore pretty much impossible to make any decent headway on. As soon as you hit north of Morpeth, the road goes from a decent-surfaced dual carriageway, to a pothole ridden stretch of arse-clenchingly bumpy single carriageway that most country B-roads would shun at a shit roads convention.

Despite the fact that much of the road at this point is still actually quite wide, most traffic travelling upon its hallowed surface at this point automatically slows down to an average speed of approximately 45 miles per hour. The usual cause of this is invariably:

- A convoy of HGV's
- A tractor, or,
- A geriatric, wobbly headed Micra driver following another geriatric, wobbly headed Micra driver, who's slowed down to 30 as they rummage in the glove box trying to find whatever the hell it is that they so desperately need that they couldn't take two minutes to look for it before they set off.

After about 15 miles, you are faced with a nice long stretch of dual carriageway again which continues to just north of Alnwick, before reverting to type and hampering any progress you might have made in the previous ten minutes or so. There is another bit of dual carriageway further on, but this only runs for about two miles and is usually where you encounter similarly pissed off HGV drivers overtaking each other, therefore the ability to actually shift on this stretch is extremely unlikely before you actually run out of road again. If you're lucky, you might be able to get a clear run on one of the long, straight stretches, but invariably you will find you're ambitions thwarted by a slow moving procession of HGVs, tractors and Micras heading south. Then, basically, you're shafted, as the road starts to wind and become narrower all the way to Berwick, replete with rises and falls and hidden dips, all vying to halt your progress to the best of their ability.

I spent six months travelling to work between Morpeth and Berwick back in the 90's, and the journey always took an hour, no matter how fast I was able to get to on the dual carriageway. So one night I decided that my journey home would be done at a steady 50 miles per hour, no matter how much it was tempting to do 70 on the dualled bits. It took me exactly the same time to get home as normal, and had the added benefit that I wasn't a pent up, seething ball of mild displeasure.

These days, I try to just take things steady when driving up and down the A1. But I still hate the fucking dull stretch of grey tarmac. I know it's irrational, it's just a sodding road. But, it's an undeniably shit one.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 4 Apr 2011, 20:55, 9 replies)

Dates displayed the American way in the UK
No, this isn't Merkin bashing. I can accept they have a different date format. That isn't uncommon. It's a mild inconvenience but that's about it. No. What pains me is when the American date format of month followed by day is used over here. Being English we have the day followed by the month. I can forgive this on film posters as I imagine it saves on costs, but when the BBC News web site start writing July 7 instead of 7 July it sends me into a rage.

This nicely segues into another thing I hate: grief branding. What happened in New York carries the name "9/11". Okay, this was a massive event. Then the terror attacks of 7 July got christened "7/7". This fucked me right off, not just because it was of such a smaller scale than "9/11", but also we, as a country, have completely forgotten about living under the threat of terror for 30-something years without feeling the need to mark significant incidents with a date-based name. In addition to this, can anyone remember the dates of what happened in Bali and Madrid without googling it? I would guess not (that includes me, although I think Madrid was 15 March). But then, they're not English-speaking countries.
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 20:49, 5 replies)

people who liken things to marmite
and then try to make out that they've been really clever/original by doing so.

"oh yes, i like to call it a marmite experience, because you'll either love it or..."
"FUCK OFF"
( Spunky McPunk not dead yet, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 20:07, 2 replies)

Eggs, the not-quite-cooked variety
I could easily get work as an extra in Casualty as 'first vomiting man'. I can vomit at will simply by *shudders as he types* thinking about not-quite-cooked eggs. *dashes off to hurl*
(se8card, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 19:55, 5 replies)

people who continually post like they have Alzeimer's
sandettie light vessel automatic, you know who you are!

lol
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 19:38, 5 replies)

How could this have slipped my mind?
When people don't bother leaving me feedback on eBay. FFS, it's not difficult and takes 10 seconds. It really winds me up as I ALWAYS leave feedback. I'd say it puts them on the same level as those that don't say please and thank you.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 19:09, 4 replies)

got the 'ump
The expression "got the right 'ump". Even people who can talk properly and normally pronounce their h, for some utterly inexplicble reason, intentionally omit it here when using this hateful, hateful phrase.
(Freak Paw, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 19:02, 1 reply)

Richard LittleJohn
"How is that irrational hatred?" I hear you say. Normally I'd agree, but the magnitude of my hatred for this invidious shoe-faced cunt is literally astronomical. So much so, that I would declare it is at an irrational level.
The gargantuan amount of hypocrisy that the homophobic racist simpleton spouts is unique in the world of journalism. My body is incapable of producing the volume of splenetic juices that his very being induces and I feel that if I even read through one of his twice-weekly immensely misinformed columns I would probably suffer organ failure.

May bullet ants cascade from his shower fitting.

Bullet ants and raw capsaicin. And asbestos.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 18:49, 13 replies)

Certain stock phrases
Many of these stick in my craw like a sideways-swallowed twiglet, but these are my personal bete-noirs. Each must be uttered in a bored voice pitched somewhere between command and petulant nagging. They are real-world examples of Orwell's Newspeak.

"At this time." First employed by American flight attendants, but frequently encountered emerging from the pustulous lips of any number of hi-viz-jacketed figures of limited authority. Used because it is believed to represent a less commanding, more consultative alternative to "now," a word hated in modern bureaucratic circles because of it's un-euphemistic lack of ambiguity, and, for all I know, it's potential for offending the noble, climate-change-threatened Nao tribespeople who dwell around the Marquesas island mountain of the same name.

"Customers," used to refer to passengers using public transport. The word's implication of service, choice and accountability paint a picture of Postman Pat-esque public servants whose very life is given deep meaning by the prospect of helping people get to work in lavender-scented comfort at Star Trek speed with mid-century Fascist dictatorship standards of reliability. This is, of course, entirely opposed to the reality of the comeback-free, shouty, sweaty hell most city dwellers endure for the lack of even a completely improbable alternative.

Institutional expressions of emotion of any kind. Particularly excitement or regret. A corporate body is incapable of experiencing feelings (barring the unusual, such as a fire which kills lovable old Terry from the stockroom three days before his retirement), but that doesn't stop the Royal Mail, with their stupid "Sorry you were out" cards, from attempting to put on a concerned, frowny face like the one my wife gets when I start ranting about the state of the world and she thinks I'm going to have a heart attack, but I know at least 10% of her is wondering how much effort it'll be to claim on the life insurance, you know the face. Anyway, the paper isn't sorry. The institution isn't sorry. The postman probably is because he'll have to carry my consignment of rare Russian onyx love eggs back to the van, but that's about it.

A sincere expression of regret from an employee who is genuinely trying to do the best they can to help fix my problem? That's fine and is indeed appreciated. Expecting me to feel better because some computer-generated form letter has a rote apology written on it in 1993 by a team of lawyers certainly isn't.
( Scrumper, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 18:41, 3 replies)

At the end of the day, obviously.
That first little phrase drives me mental. Not actually mental, but it does make me clench my teeth and arse every time I hear it.

It's like this, at the end of the day, I am going home. So whatever you are saying won't matter much then.

Don't get me started on "obviously". One of the (very lovely) ladies who I work with says it all of the time, it makes me feel angry when she says it when she is establishing something that is a statement of fact, rather than explaining the situation. "Obviously Mr. Brown spent all of his money on paint." When it's only obvious to her, and not the customer that she is talking too.

Having said that, the customers don't appear to mind, so I should, and will, keep my pissyness to myself. Well, apart from the fact that I am ranting a little here.
(Catomiagi is in with a chance, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 18:14, 4 replies)

I have an irrational hatred of people who find any old excuse to submit to qotw on their b3ta birthday...
(cardiosurgeon ...not a real surgeon since, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 18:01, 2 replies)

Wet religious people.
Believe and follow every single last stupid word in your ancient book and accept you're going to burn in hell if you don't or stop being religious.
(twattybanjo, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 17:40, 1 reply)