Thanks dad..
My dad's always told me that the Aids virus was caused by American scientists, who got, say funky with some monkeys one night in the lab. I believed him.

In the general studies exam today for the final question of how to improve the worlds poverty and Aids problems, I wrote that Aids was all the Americans fault, and they should give more money etc etc.

I told my dad what I wrote for the exam, and he's still on the floor laughing ten minutes later...
(McHamster_Meal_with_fries, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 0:04, Reply)

ahh, childish innocence...
I once asked my father (a venerable sage of wisdom and other useful information) why nut, bolts, screws, etc were marked as either "metric" or "imperial".

"Ah," came his sage-like reply, "this is because metric is a new invention, designed to standardise international sizes."

"But what about imperial?" asks I. "Why did we change?"

"It was a long time ago" said he, "the Imperial measurement was invented by the emporer; and only he knew the exact size. When the Death Star blew up, the knowledge was lost, so we had to invent some new measurements. All the imperial nuts and bolts you see now are the last ones made before he died."

I believed that for years...
( vbloke OLDSKOOL, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 23:56, Reply)

Man oh man...
On the conterary, thrain, the accordion is my fave insturment and is actually making me money. Also accordion-related, I had a big ugly cut on my middle finger from a pop can, and I had to play a piece for a concert one year. My mom told me (to presumably make me look better and play faster) that it would heal faster with exercise. I mean, who's to argue with mom? I got an infection that day, which wreaked living hell on my poor finger. Poop.
(number 27-hunter, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 23:47, Reply)

Not anyone's parents...
A friend and I once convinced his sister that she'd met this guy called Steve-O, with pink hair. She said she couldn't quite remember him but she definatly could remember the football he had on a string... a detail we happened to have made up...

Mind you, she thought California was a city on the east coast of the USA...
(Fido Dido, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 21:54, Reply)

Paint
I came home from school one day to find paint all over the sofa and carpet. Mum said that she had been decorating but managed to knock the paint off the step ladder.

Dad seemed pretty angry about the fact that our lives were being disrupted while these people came in and changed all the carpets and that he no longer had his favourite seat.

I found out later that it was all just an insurance scam and they were both in on it. And my aunty and uncle. And my gran.

Lying bastards!
( caldini Have you seen my polar bear?, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 21:45, Reply)

Lies/Equivocation
I once asked my Dad what sex was* to which he replied that men are 'of the male sex' and women are 'of the female sex'. Clever bastard.

*This wasn't the other day, I was about five.
(Wax cat, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 21:17, Reply)

Safeways? Aliens?!
My mother once told me that "all babies came from safeways" (we used to shop at Asda so I never found out this was a lie untill I was 5..) and when ever I played up she'd tell me that "she still had the receipt, and the man on the till said she could return me when ever she wanted and get an exchange". Also (this wasnt so much a lie as stupidity on my part) in a trying to be humorous way after my brother had done something mindlesly stupid she said "He's from another planet" to which I took completely literally and I honestly believed for 1 whole year that my brother was indeed an alien.
P.S. sorry if there are bad spelling mistakes, but my grandma lives in a tree...
(Minni_Minx, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 21:08, Reply)

Serving Time
I must have been about 6, as I remember this happening before we moved from Merseyside, but I told my mates from school that my Dad was in Prison, embellishing a half heard telephone conversation between my Mum & someone.

Anyway the gossip of school mothers got the better of them, and they challenged my mother outside the primary school gates to find out what he was in for.

I had the living piss beaten out of me all of the way home by my Mother - and then slippered with punctuated beats "DON'T (SMACK)YOU (SMACK)EVER (SMACK) with her shiny rubber soled and beige nylon instruments of torture.

It turns out that my dad wasn't in the nick, he was "Serving time" as an apprentice. He didn't see the funny side of it either and beat the crap out of me too for bringing the family name into disrepute, when he got back.
(Catchag "You know!....For Kids!", Mon 19 Jan 2004, 19:43, Reply)

Again, not parents but worthy of a laugh
My girlfriend's sister is always good for winding up. Year before last she saw a green, unripe pumpkin in Asda. She pointed it out in amazement to which we told her all pumpkins are green and there's a mass industry painting them orange for Halloween each year.

She ended up asking her 8 year old's teacher...
(Mr Jim, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 19:20, Reply)

My name

Until the age of twelve I thought my name was Miceal (kind of prnounced Me-hall, which is the Irish for Michael). Then I got my birth certificate and said that I was actually called 'Michael' which was what my Dad went by. It turns out that my Dads name, according to his birth cert, was 'Miceal' but he hated it too and changed it. With two Michaels in the same house it got confusing so they just chnaged mine...

So I in conclusion, I insisted on being called Michael and now my parents just call me 'David' (my second name).

I can't win.
(nycmstar, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 18:59, Reply)

witches and shoes
my dad told me that witches stole shoes

i've lived with pagans and it turns out that they just put them in the fridge

its true, i seen it
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 18:57, Reply)

My Mom used to tell me ...
evrything will be OK.
(tdevil76, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 18:42, Reply)

the gran of doom
this wasn't my parent, but i was in the great ol' North staffs hospital when a boy started runnin about and screaming. JUmping up to her feet, what must have been his gran said ' sit down and shut up - otherwise they'll keep you'

This is one of the most evillist yet thoruoghly humorous lies I have ever heard. And guess what - it worked!
(b34ch3r, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 17:59, Reply)

Parent Food Lies
Every time my mum tried a new recipe, my dad would explain the origins of the dish. They always involved a peasant whose hut burnt down, fortuitously containing all the key ingredients of the recipe. Whilst sifting through the ashes, the peasant would discover the ingredients (which had become mixed and cooked in the flames) and proclaim to have discovered a new meal. The dish would be named after the peasant - for instance, Monsieur Bourguignon was the man who had to leave his burning home containing a cow, some onions and a bottle of wine.

Even now, when I hear the name of a recipe given my dad's treatment, I have to remind myself that it was all just lies.
(troemyd, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 17:49, Reply)

My parents were just confusing
"What's syphilis?"
"It's the tube that connects your mouth to your stomach."

"What's a prostitute?"
"Like a catholic, except they worship a different God."

And after some confusion about the phrase "A twinkle in the milkman's eye",
*pointing at Milkman* "All those people are going to have babies?!"
"Depends on what milk they buy."
( Pretender, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 17:46, Reply)

Lies
My parents were a bit funny about lies, they never let me believe in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy.... but they did tell me that thunder was the angels moving their furniture about in heaven... believed that one for years.

I told my brother one day that there was this really special type of cola that only really special kids could get and that it just turned black if you were good... Next day I went to get him a can and opened 2 black ink cartridges into it..... cue 2 week grounding!
(little minx, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 17:02, Reply)

Stupid parents
[/Lurking]
My mum told me that I would have to use 'special' Toothpaste that could make my teeth fall out if I used an electric toothbrush.

Thanks mum, now I need thousands of pounds of reconstructive dentistry.
[Lurking]
(Miserygut, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 17:01, Reply)

Ice cream vans
..had you going there, for a minute. Heh.
(The Pink Strat Copy, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 16:59, Reply)

I'm not a parent but
Me and a mate told his little brother that he had won a competition to go to lapland and meet the real santa. We were about 12 and he was about 6. We got him to pack his bags with everything he thought he would need and to write a biiig long christmas list as Santa could give him anything he wanted from his factory. We walked him to the train station (picture him with his lunchbox in one hand and a sleeping bag draped over his shoulder) and he really beleived that he was off to meet Santa until the moment we sent him up to the ticket office to ask for a "ticket to lapland to santa's palace" and the bloke behind the counter pissed himself laughing. The tears didn't stop until the middle of the next week and there were some recriminations from the mother, I can tell you.
(Nathalie Imbruglia's Cellist's Cello, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 16:36, Reply)

Not MY parents, you understand but...
My mate Paul "Jonah" Jones (mate = some kid of limited intelligence who kept kicking me in the nadgers) was told by his dad one morning that due some unspecified trouble with the law, his family would be changing their name to "Backskin". It would be down to him, number one son, to tell everybody at school his new name.

So he did.

Paul Backskin.

How we laughed.

_____________________________

Another one told to me by a regular on another messageboard... can't even remember his name, which is a bit of a bugger.

He used to live in the Wirral. One Saturday, his dad told him they were going on a cruise liner to visit New York. So they jump on the boat, go for an unexpectedly short cruise and spend the day shopping in the Big Apple, before going home again that night.

Excited, he told all his friends at school Monday morning, and wrote it up in his "What I did this weekend" report. It was only then that his teacher told him that he had in fact visited Liverpool on the Mersey Ferry.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 16:20, Reply)

Gee I Wonder
Yes! Quite a bIT!!!
(Penguinator The penguins are restless, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 15:55, Reply)

Er...
...has anyone mentioned Ice Cream vans yet?
(SproutsAreEvil, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 15:53, Reply)

I have always hated mushrooms with a passion.
So one time I was with my dad, somewhere in London. (I don't know why, but he bought me to work with him a couple of times when I was about ten.) He bought me something for lunch.

It was round, grey/black/brownish with an odd texture. I asked what it was, he said it was a spider with it's head and legs cut off.

I (completely ungrossed by what I heard it was) ate it, and quite liked it.

I was about to ask for another when he told me it was actually a mushroom. That's when my first incident of induced vomiting occurred. :)
(Spin Doctor, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 15:39, Reply)

my dad is also evil
because he discovered my porn collection, threw it away and didn't tell me for about 5 months. Leading to my panicking for 5 months incase my parents had found it.
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 15:18, Reply)

My grandmother is evil
because when i was small my gran convinced me and ALL of my friends that when you pressed your nose hard your top teeth would fall out, and the same for if you pulled on your chin. She could only do this as she had false teeth, cue lots of kids with aching noses and near-broken jaws.
bitch
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 15:01, Reply)

I asked my dad about global walming
he told me that the purpose of human beings was similar to a thermostat and we had to turn the earth into another sun so life could continue elsewhere.
i hope he was lying.
(snailcat NNNNNNNNG, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 14:50, Reply)

Lies from a teacher
My infant school teacher Mrs Way-Rider told us if we didn't join up the line on our a's or o's then WITCHES WOULD COME OUT!!

Witches coming out of letters! ...tsk.

She would often walk the entire class to her house to look at her spoon collection...I'm guessing shes now dead.
(haf, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 14:28, Reply)

My dad once said...
...that he knew one of the actors off "All Creatures Great and Small", and that if I was good for a month he would arrange it so that I could get to put my arm up a cow's bum, like they did in that program, because he knew I really wanted to do it. Don't ask me why. Sadly, it never materialised, because it was obviously a lie.

Also, my next door neightbour was in the RAF, and he told me that one day he'd pick me up in the morning and fly me to infant school in a Harrier jump jet. I told ALL of my friends, who for some time sceptically asked me when it was going to happen. It was years later when I found out that my neighbour was only a chef.
(Tommy B!, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 13:57, Reply)

The lie I remeber the most
was, "I won't tell you again!" to which I frequently replied, "Pardon?"
(quolkalamazoom, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 13:23, Reply)

Tooth Fairy
I was told that if I woke up in the night after placing my tooth under the pillow for the aforementioned fairy, she would remove ALL my teeth and not give me the customary 20p either.

My Parents variously told me that eating broad beans/cabbage/sprouts/crusts of bread would make your hair curl. They seemed to think this was a good thing, in actual fact I had curly hair as a child and my greatest wish was to have nice straight hair like the other kids.


Oh - and in response to an earlier post, Lesbians come from Lesbos (Greece) not Lesbia :p (yes it is a real place, yes the natives really are called Lesbians).
(Ariaxen, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 13:22, Reply)