For years my mom tried to convince me
that there was this god that saw everything we did and who sat in judgment of us. Then she said that he had a mortal son named Jesus who had died for my sins and that I should try to emulate him and live a life of humility, chastity and poverty. What a load of crap! When I was really little I used to be very upset when I saw horses being ridden in movies or pulling wagons and people hitting them with whips. My parents assured me that they were hitting the ground next to the horses, or the leather of the saddle.
( Artamnesia, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 1:05, Reply)

Fascist Parents
Having a common name spelt an abnormal way was quiete frustrating when i was a youngster, could nver ever ever find any of they pencils pens or rulers spelling out my name. When i asked my parents why they didnt make pencils or owt with my name on them "becasue there is nobody else in the universe spelt with a k" made me feel proper special til i was 14 and met sumone else spelt with a k. i was heartbroken. They later told me that the reason iw as spelt with a K is that so they didnt have to buy all that junk.

we used to hav routine where my bed time was at 8 and i had to go to bed after coranation street and i would go put my pajamas on at the commercial break. my mum told me last year that they used to record it and put me to my bed at 5oclock so that i would be sleeping all nite. stupid kristine never ever clicked on......
(StrangeKristine, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 1:01, Reply)

oh, another classic
was that thunder was actually my uncle* fred (who was a coalman), moving big bags of coal on the back of a lorry.

which scared me shitless, cos i knew he had died long before i was born

*actually my nans brother
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 0:57, Reply)

as a child from a single parent family
i always asked my family wher my dad was (as he obviously wasnt at home), and my mum, grandparents, aunt, uncle and various family friends all stuck to the same story, that he'd been conscripted for compulsory army duty in cypress (his home country).

i prefered the lie, it made him seem less of a cunt
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 0:55, Reply)

Crocodiles...
(1st post)

Not a parent, but my Uncle Dave told me, when I was 6 or 7, that the bite-shaped scar above his eyebrow was from when he was swimming in a lake and a crocodile bit him. He told me in great detail how he thwarted the crocodile with the cunning use of a floating twig by stuffing it in the croc's mouth making the jaws stay open.

Later that week in school we were supposed to write a true story about our families. So I wrote about my Uncle and the crocodile.

I got shouted at and called a "bold young girl for telling lies" by my teacher and I was made to stand in the corner and was put on litter-picking duty at first break and dinner break.

When I told my mum about this she said she would sort it out. Next day the teacher apologised and gave me a Mars bar. Turns out she had actually taught my Uncle many years before and she should have known better.

The scar was actually from a very nasty road accident involving an ice-cream van (evil) and a big green truck, which made my mum cry when she told me the true story, so he is doubly evil.

He also once told me he wrote "Mr Bean". The git.

(Sorry about the length, I get over-excited easily :oP)
(RubyGloom, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 0:51, Reply)

Also...
whenever my mother would go out for the evening, i would pester my dad with 'where's my mam, what time is she coming back' - he would alsways tell me that she had 'ran off with a big black man and isnt coming back' - i used to cry myself to sleep everytime! And of course she'd be there the next morning..hungover and smelling of gin usualy~!

however, the ironic thing is as i grew up, i realised i was gay and had a thing for 'big black men' - wonder if i do it just to spite them (my parents) a little bit....lol
(Trimble, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 0:51, Reply)

not so much parents...
a girl in my class at primary school told me that if you looked at a black person your babies would be black too...

whenever Moira Stewart was reading the news i used to cover my eyes...

(the shame!)
( applehead herp derp, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 0:36, Reply)

Animal accessories
When i was little we had a doberman who was er, to put it polietly, rather well-endowed. Whenever Zak (for 'twas his name) would get aroused - ie get a stiffy - I would ask my mother what it was - 'his lipstick' was her rather succint reply. Likewise, whenever the daft beast would attempt to lick it, my parents would tell me he was 'puttin his lipstick on'. I always remember telling the rest of my class (infant school) that two dogs shaggin in the playground were 'sharing his lipstick' - the shame, oh, the shame...
(Trimble, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 0:23, Reply)

Aaarfghh
Just realised I have also neglected to read prior post, so enjoy the umteenth ice cream storey.
( Chumfatty, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 0:20, Reply)

My mate at work
told his kids that when the ice cream van plays it music, its to let everyone know that its just run out of Ice Cream !! (he's a Bastard)
( Chumfatty, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 0:18, Reply)

Why did they tell me it was wrong to lie?
My parents told me and my brothers that when we were went to bed there were Bogeymen under the bed that would eat us if we tried to get out of bed again. And that there were baddies in cupboards, wardrobes etc.

saying our dog wanted to move out and join the police.

if i lied the green man would take my tongue.

My little brothers fish died when he was 9 or 10, and my mum told him he had to pray to get the fish to fish heaven. He had 7 or 8 kids off the street paying homage to a piece of dirt in the back where he buried it.

The worst though was when my mum convinced me that Carrot cake did not have carrots in it, but bits of orange sweets, even got my grandma in on the act just to make me eat it. I was 12 at the time and didnt actually cotten on until they told my friends when giving a lift to school. I cannot even look at carrot cake now.
(ubersnack, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 0:08, Reply)

Pops once told me
that thunder was caused by clouds crashing into each other.
(Corn Dog, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 0:07, Reply)

My folks once told me...
... that if I didn't read all the previous posts in a B3ta thread, I might post the same shite story about ice-cream vans as everybody else.
)But then again, I lived in the sticks - and ice-cream vans never came out our way - so maybe I'm just jealous :o(

They told my sister that we were having mutton for sunday dinner, instead of her favourite little Lambykins - she didn't twig for ages - and by then the minty-goodness was too much to resist!
(jesusbagpuss, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 23:41, Reply)

Parental lies
That "Brownian Motion' was an offshoot of the ancient art of rapid response stoolmaking for the clinically unsettled.
Motherchunking fibbers......
(mockup, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 23:37, Reply)

Had to visit Granny..aged 8
Who lived 200 miles away, near Stafford.
Now in the town I lived in at the time, there was a Stafford Road. I asked why we couldn't just go down that road as it would clearly be quicker. I was told that we had to go the scenic route and tell Granny about it.
Fair enough, until I went to visit Granny on my BMX, down Stafford Road, only to end up near a dual carriageway with no signs for Stafford (obviously). And I got told off for going near the dual carriageway!!

Edit : I was aged 8...not granny ;)
( Fronkle99, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 23:34, Reply)

I used to get told that if I didn't behave...
my parents would leave me with the gypsies, who had invaded a field near where we lived. I also distinctly remember someone's ignorant mum telling them if they didn't behave that the 'darkies' would get them.
( Bluesound, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 23:13, Reply)

belly buttons
my dad told me that if i saw a lads belly button, i had to marry them! C x
(carolwashy, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 23:12, Reply)

When my Dad said
that he was " ... going to see a man about a dog." I became very excited at the prospect of imminent canine companionship.
(Havelock, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 22:57, Reply)

When I was an ickle boy learning to read,
I was standing by my mum and big sister in a pharmacy. I was dead good at sounding out new words and so I tried one of the packets. "Luh-Ih-Leh-Tuh-Suh, Lil-lets. What are they for?" They told me that you stuffed them up your nose if you had a bad nose bleed. Oh, how classroom assistants cried with mirth at school when I told them the kid with the nose bleed needed a lil-let for his nostrils. Bastards.
(PsychoticSock, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 22:48, Reply)

My parents regularly tell me
that they love me.
If this is the case, why do they make me do the washing up?
Eh?
EH?
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 22:43, Reply)

My evil devil of a sister
is three years older than me. She educated me in all sorts of important ways. When i was four she told me that instead of a willy, a girl has a pajina, but they call the "PJ's".
When i was six i was told that baddies lived in the trees outside our house and would eat me if i walked near them.
When i was seven, she convinced me that when we had gotten rid of out cats when i was four (we moved house) instead of giving them to our next door neighbor, we had eaten them for dinner.
These are the cats she told me realy loved having thier tails pulled.
And now i'm seventeen, she's twenty, and she's trying to tell me she's not a lesbian. Well why should i start believeing her now?
( Yeknom. Incontinence and Premature ejaculation? Easy come, easy go., Wed 14 Jan 2004, 22:37, Reply)

...
oh yeah they keep tellin me ive been dropped on my head as well although that would probably explain a lot oh well lol
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 21:53, Reply)

A few about my 'rents spliting up.
Me, mum and my older sister walk on a path as a kid...
Mum/Sophie-Step on a crack and you'll break your back
Me-Step on a crack and you'll marry a monkey...
Mum-I stood on a crack once...
My dad moved out when I was about 3-6.

One thing that was a small part towards the divorce path was my dad tells how his grandfarther (or great) invented the cats-eyes on roads but the other guy stole the idea. Apparently they argued for years about it. My sister defended my dad as I did untill i heard from someone that a guy from a different country did it, my dad still believes. One grandfather of his Did make radios for ships and could have made the one in the titanic though (same company)

My mum and nanny still say looking mirrors when theres a lightning storm is dangerous. I dont but i don't know if its true.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 21:49, Reply)

LE WALLACE AND GROMIT???
when i was around 5 years old i watched a wallace and gromit film for the first time and my dad told me that people actually look like that and that they all live in france ....yes i know how do parents come up with this stuff?????
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 21:39, Reply)

I have a vage memory
of someone telling me i was born on boxingday cause I was found in a box like jesus slept in a manger. I had a pet boxer too.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 21:35, Reply)

Parental Nastyness
My sister told me ( I was 3 years old!) that the *anonymous people known as the "bad guys") would bomb us and kill us all and blow up the world. I asked how, and she said "A firecracker of course". (That may be because she had a fake firecracker prop from the school production of the Music Man) She made me do all her chores and more besides and made me hide in the basement with the demented cat and enoumous rats a day and a half. Bitch.
(number 27-hunter, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 21:34, Reply)

Spooky
When my mum was a teenager, she was a proper hippy, telling peoples fortunes and looking at zodiacs and stuff. When I was ickle I asked my mum about a box of tarotcards she kept in the bureo. I wanted to have a look at them and my mum told me if I ever touched a single card, i would get cursed for the rest of my life. It might sound funny, but i still cant bring myself to touch the things over 10 years later. last year she lat my pagen friend look at them, the first glimse i ever saw of them (there lovely old ones) and when I asked why she never let me touch them (i still havent) she told me she didnt care if that friend was cursed. I believe her.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 21:28, Reply)

longest lie
dad told me that my mum had to be airlifted out of their vwCombi scottish highlands holiday by helicopter due to my imminent arrival..
they didn't make it to the hospital in time so i was born in the air making me not-of-this-earth. so when i used to cock-up he'd say 'typical of an alien'

truth: st marys, leeds
(rigby happened on (and with added toothache), Wed 14 Jan 2004, 21:20, Reply)

just to add insult to injury
later that day he told me that he knew the old woman who lived in the shoe in the nursery rhyme. some years later he went out somewhere (to this day i don't know) and rang me on his mobile. now, i was watching sm:tv at the time, becos live and kicking was shit. he calls up and says to me in a slightly put on accent, that one of my frends had nominated me, Anthony Conway, for a prize. i quickly switched the telly to bbc1, and was told that i was going to get a day of horse riding with franky detori becos of my obbsessive passion for horses. i'd never been horse riding in my fucking life! so i play along. he says that the ppl on the show were going to ring me in a few minutes and i had to act all excited and shit, then he rang me, and told me it was an april fools.

get...
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Wed 14 Jan 2004, 21:15, Reply)

car paint
when i was about 7 or 8, i forget, it was april fools day...
i wandered into my parents room in the morning (it was saturday) and my dad, being the cheeky sod that he is, told me that the nigth b4 it had rained so hard that all the paint on our bright red renault espace had washed off and the car was a bright silver colour. i didn't believe him, but he sed that it most definetly had, and that he had already had a look. i walked over to the window and looked out to the street, and to my immense dissapointment it was still red.
me and my brothers got him back tho, when we hid the bacon in the tumble-dryer and he went all the way to sainsbury's in his bloody dressing gown to buy some more! fooligan
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Wed 14 Jan 2004, 21:07, Reply)