Another Gateshead nutter
After moving from shabby Dunston I moved to the shabby area of Bensham a few years ago (I now live in shabby Walworth near shabby elephant and castle), there is a bloke who sits on the bus (53 or 54) right at the back and talks to the driver all the way from Newcastle and back to saltwell park. Not only is he a mad distance shouty talk type person, if he is not on the bus shouting the driver questions about what he had for his dinner and what he is going to do when he gets off the bus, he is swearing at passers by. He swears like a trouper and sticks his fingers up in a variety of insulting ways at old women, young children but making me laugh everytime I went past and he flicked the v's at me for no reason other than he is a mentalist. He also stand at round abouts to achieve the same effect during rush hour incase he hasn't hit his daily quota of sticking his fingers up at passers by.
(Mr Neil, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 15:32, Reply)

"Best of luck!"
I too have seen the guy who shouts "Best of luck!" however I always though he was shouting "Best are Black!" although at the volume, does it really matter what he's shouting?

He is also not restricted to just Camden Sainburys, I have spotted him as far a field as Muswell Hill!
(anti-everything, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 15:31, Reply)

Guy where I used to work...
30 years old at least, still leaving with his parents and generally fucked up in the head.

Obsessed with anime and the Miami Dolphins/Dan Marino.

Would come out with ridiculous phrases, for example to express relief: "Woah, that's like taking off tight shoes".

Also when speaking to people on the phone would randomly scream "son of a bitch" and such.

Would never send an e-mail without really cool faces like (-_-)

What a dick.

Apparently when he eventually got sacked he advised management not to let him inside the building again or he would try and kill everyone...
(webdw, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 15:30, Reply)

The Leaper
More Oxford nuttiness; this time, out in the suburbs where no students venture, so if you aren't and never were, a local, you probably won't have come across him.

Littlemore, on Oxford's southern fringe, is a village well known to the populace as the site of the local mental hospital. It's now a swanky residential development, but the Mental Health Trust run a clinic over the road, and some of those who lived there have never quite managed to leave the locale for one reason or another.
One such, to whom I was introduced by my brother, who was an Occupational Therapist there, was The Leaper.
Quite simply, this man had only one aim in life, and that was stopping the traffic. To this end he would stand, often trying to hide behind the beacon post, at the pedestrian crossing, and upon seeing a car, bike or anything else with wheels on travelling fast enough to be dangerous, leap out onto the crossing, thereby exercising his well-earned and learned right to stop the traffic and cross the road.
Oh, how we laughed as we slammed on the brakes, tyres smoking as we slew to a halt in front of him, as he simply stood, aimless, on the crossing, waiting for us to wave him across.
Oh, you'll never guess what he did when he reached the other side of the road. Go on, guess...

That's right! He just stood there, lurking, waiting for the next car to roll by.
He's gone now. I don't know where, but I bet he doesn't live in one of thos nice St George's Park flats that the old hospital became.

Again, apologies for length, girth etc, but my job isn't very engaging, or particularly taxing, even for small monkeys or an otter with a bad leg, and I like to talk to people...
Aargh! I've become a local nutter!
(doctor sideburns, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 15:27, Reply)

From the social dead end that is Redditch
One of the more famous ones (I believe it made national press and even "Have I Got News For You"(ooooooooh and other noises of astonishment) if memory serves) a good few years back went by the name of Chris Watkins. He was renowned for his desire to well...bluntly put.....fornicate with the pavement. Specifically the cracks in it. Now the pain and hygene issues alone stagger me. It all ended in tragedy however when he was arrested for it, though he did resurface a couple of years afterwards, this time caught cooling his passion in a wheelie bin...somethign to do with the bin bags apparently. He seems to have vanished entirely since.
( mooglemania Please disregard this sig., Thu 16 Sep 2004, 15:26, Reply)

Nutty Ellen
As a kid growing up in East London - we usued to have a neighbourhood nutter called, rather appropriately, 'Nutty Ellen'. She'd wander the streets all day, smelling of something vile and hell-ish, with a manky plastic doll attached to her breast. Occasionally she'd talk to it. Sad really.

But what made her different was she met another nutter and he moved in with her - last I heard they got married on their balcony, and she managed to 'have' another doll. Ahhhh. Sweet.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 15:25, Reply)

haven't personally seen it but
my jazz-loving mate told me about a tramp who's sometimes at the place where Jazz in the Vines is held.he smells of cheap wine,cheese and err...bodily fluids...He also only wears a g-string(sometimes along with a jumper and pants) and tries to steal jazz instruments.

(btw;look at the logo on the jazz in the vines website.)
(That guy with a hat., Thu 16 Sep 2004, 15:25, Reply)

Hastings - another town full of schitzo's
During those halcyon days of the thatcher era, very many state run mental institutions were closed down, because, you know, they were probably all empty or something anyway.

Anyhow, the local councils now had to find somewhere else for the residents of the institutions to live. In central london you can imagine that this was a problem, what with it being crowded and all.

Thus most of the homes in london simply told their residents that they were going on a trip to the seaside in a coach, and to pack all of their stuff. They were mosty taken to hastings (due to the VERY large numbers of empty B&Bs in the town as the english holiday industry had been dying on its arse for the past decade) and once they got off the coach, it would simply drive back to london, leaving them to find somewhere to live. Care in the community i believe it was called. Can you feel the caring? Aaaaah. Can you? MMmmmm...

So as a result, hastings is still, to this day, full of nutters. Many of them are, i'm sure, the amusing and harmless type, but you do get the more traumatic incidents as well, such as when a guy decided to slash his wrists in the middle of Argos, leaving the horrified staff to try to stop the bleeding with carrier bags and duct tape while they waited for an ambulance to arrive. After which they had to be scheduled for blood tests in case they had caught HiV off the guy. Yay.

There is one local legend though - Pram Lady. She is a little old tramp woman (thats tramp in the 'sleeping rough' sense rather than the 'sleeping around' sense, you understand) who VEEEEERY slowly, pushes an old pram around town. The pram is full of dolls (creepy). If you attempt to interact with her in any way you get incoherent screaming and possible physical assault as a reward (scary). Apparently the reason for this behaviour is that all of her children were killed in a house fire, and the dolls are her substitutes (downright terrifying!).

I love hastings. I feel right at home.
(Daveybaby, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 15:22, Reply)

Speedo Man
is the village idiot of Grand Junction, Colorado. As the name implies, this nutter wanders around town wearing nothing but a speedo, a pair of sandals, and a smile. When it gets colder and snows, he does, on occasion, enter out into the public wearing legwarmers, tennis shoes, and one of those midriff bearing half-shirts, all coordinated to his speedo.

I've talked to him a few times, and he appears to be a nice person, although he has done WAY too much acid and cannot form a coherent sentence. I've also smoked the gangja with him on occasion.

Speedo Man is married, with two kids. He has been arrested a few times for such offenses as peeing on a dog (because it was barking too loud), wanking while standing in his front lawn, and verbally assaulting a liquor store clerk who refused to sell him spirits because he was visibly intoxicated.

I want to be just like Speedo Man when I grow up.
(grrlatthrockshow, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 15:21, Reply)

My local is full of nutters...
A new one appeared last night.

Walks in, stinking of shit for starters. Forehead covered in tattoos.

Anyway he starts shouting/mumbling about purchasing a pint of "three x".. presumably referring to the lager Castlemaine XXXX...

To top it all off he runs round the bar shouting "Fuck off fuck off fuck off I'll fuckin fight ya fuck off ya cunt" although this came out more like "foffuckightyantnnnggghh" presumably due to being pissed or just a general tard.

Then demanded the barmaid ring him a bus to go home...

EDIT: I will get photos!
(webdw, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 15:13, Reply)

There's this old beardy "I-was-in-the-war-you-know" type
called eric who squanders around our estate. If you shout "Argh! The Germans are coming!" He does the "duck-and-cover" thing, and if you say "Eric, you're dribbling" he precedes to take out a tissue and wipes the front of his trousers...

There's also a someone called "The Dog-Shit Woman" who goes round a cleans up dog mess. Hmm..
( Laughing Boy, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 15:12, Reply)

Ex-SAS Nutter
We get a fair few nutters on the commuter lines from Kent to London. My favourite has to be the large-built transvesite, complete with stubble (not that transexuals are normally classed as a nutters) He/she usually sits in first class - and only one guard has attempted to ask for a ticket - aparently this guy/girl went totally loopy and pinned the guard against the side of the compartment - screaming something about his best mate being blown up and how we owed him free travel for him and his mum for life???

Not quite all there really.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 15:10, Reply)

Re: Purple Acky
Yes!
I went to college with a grat many scousers over the years, and from many parts of Merseyside, and I am happy to report that tales of Purple Acky have been told as far afield as wavertree, Crosby, Speke and over the way in Wallasey, so he must indeed be real.
Apparently "he's so black, he's purple", and also very tall...
(doctor sideburns, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 15:10, Reply)

Aberdeen Nut job
There's this abnormally tall hippy woman called Gideon (This could be made up - but everyone knows her as that) who combs the streets of Aberdeen. She looks like Nicholas Lyndhurst with long hair and Robert Plant's dress sense. She has very long arms and is always carrying shopping everwhere she goes. Gids will only ever cause traffic trouble coz she don't look where she's going. Apparently she had her kids taken from her years ago coz she fed them frozen chips. Sad but true ;)
(fudge the return of the man with the cat on his head, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 15:03, Reply)

Celebrity nutter
When I was a youngster going to sixth form in Cambridge, "Fizzling" Syd Barrett formerly of Pink Floyd was a regular sight wandering around in a wide brimmed hat, long coat and unfeasibly large headphones dancing to the tunes in his head (possibly the tunes on his personal stereo). Sadly I have not seen him these last 10 years and if the rumours are true his health is fading fast :(
(dirtyhippy, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:59, Reply)

Crazy old rocker.
There's a crazy old guy in the Uni of Herts metal/rock/alt nights. He always wears the same denim jacket and jeans, and whenever a song he likes is played he starts goose-stepping around the dance-floor like a cider-addled Nazi.

==============

For a while I got nicknamed "Psycho-Magnet" for my un-nerving ability to wind up having conversations with whatever psycho/crazy guy/wierdo/mad tramp that happenend to be near me.
This was noticed when we were in St. Albans, travelling to a larp event. I was leather jeans and a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt when some crazy, drunk, geordie guy with no teeth and wearing a beanie-hat just randomly started talking to me about how he though Limp Bizkit were better than Korn. Cue another weird old tramp a couple of rows back joined in, taking the opposite view. I just did my best to smile and nod and was tempted to get off the bus and simply wait for the next one, until they got off themselves.

==============

The was this old tramp in Chelmsford who was quite famous. I think he got nicknamed "Old John" or something like that. Legend has it that he used to be a famous Chelmsford City footballer, but he spent his last days wandering around Chelmsford carrying a huge back-pack, apparently quite confused, muttering to himself and stinking of piss.
Don't know what happened to him (I moved away about 4 years ago) but I heard a sad rumour that he died.
(minister of heresy, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:58, Reply)

I was brought up in Gateshead
In a small suburb called Dunston which is famous for 2 things 1) a minging tower block called the rocket and 2) Gazza used to live there as a kid, on my street (ravensworth terrace) there was a bloke called Eddie who used to wander round Dunston all day at the most incredible pace, he never ran but he could walk faster then most people living in the northern hemisphere could sprint. Not only could he do a lap of Dunston in about 1 minute due to his high speed walk, he also used to spit every couple of seconds during his wander round the place, add this to the fact he was cockeyed and wore ill fitting 1970's stylee suits and you have a grade A nutter.
(Mr Neil, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:54, Reply)

Berdo?!
I also lived with Berdo, who's catchphrase was "Oh for fucks sake!" (usually screamed)

He used to go into the shower fully dressed. And he ate buckets of microwaved all-bran (which was reflected in his bathroom/bedroom habits).
(DayvidBerdo, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:53, Reply)

Berdo! You Baaarrrrsssttttaaaaarrrddsssss
In the second year of uni in Derby, myself and housemates had the misfortune of a mad man moving into our spare bedroom. We named him Berdo. Here is a list of his TUBL-ness (tongue under bottom lip)...

He was 6'2", 20 stone, had greasy, receeding, messy hair and wore either an alien or white
tiger t-shirt .

He always carried a floral design shopping bag with him.

He would sit in the living room with the curtains closed, the fire on full and Star Trek on video.

His dissertation was about female wrestling.

His bedroom floor was covered in shit and most nights he would scream at his computer.

He was banned from the uni library for masturbating (whilst researching female wrestling) and he was thrown off a bus in Hastings for the same reason.

He was on some sort of medication so wasn't allowed to drink. That didn't stop him from downing vodka at a party we had once. This resulted in him screaming and throwing glasses at people, then hugging them. At the end of the night he sat on a wall outside and pissed himself.

There are many more anecdotes about him but I might digress them at a later date. Insincere apologies for length.
(Fully Goyle what?, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:51, Reply)

Being a student...
i work in a pub, and thee's this guy, he's big, build like a brick shithouse, and blatently a retard. he drinks with his pinky sticking up, and waves camply at the bar staff. one day one of the regulars said hi, introduced himself, and then asked what do you do?, (to the tard)usual quaestions, for a 35 year old i thought, the tards reply was something on the lines of - in the poshest voice you can imagine "and why should i discuss my business with some deranged insane person like you?" to which i couldnt help myself laughing, now we know he's not local, because where i live you know everyone, but he's scary in a funny kind of retarded way (i'd liken him to lenny in of mice and men)
(VashTheStampede http://www.b3ta.com/features/howtopoachanegg/, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:51, Reply)

Andrew Barratt
This is more about a mental kid who turned into a legend.

I totally harmless person but god was he mental!

He would bite down on his middle finger knuckle, singing this made up song that went

"Nee nee nee ne neeeee!"

Also he couldn't figure out how to walk and his mum would follow him around town yelling at him "Heel toe Andrew! Heel toe!"

His parents let him watch 18 cert movies at the age of 10 and he would laugh and pee himself on purpose!

When he was older and hungry he would go into every shop in the high street and yell "Jacket Potato butter and cheese!!" and open and close one of the hands that wasn't in his mouth really fast by his side...if he go nothing he would walk out the store bitting his Knuckle singing "Ne nee nee ne neeee!"

He also used to boast that he poo'd in his pond to us when we were alot older (late teens) and it turned out to be a sink in his back garden and wouldn't go to the field at the back because the predetor lived there.

Oh yeah and he used to giggle (bitting the knuckle of course) saying "Juicy Keenie! JUICY KEENIE!"

And wee himself on purpose...

This not a joke, just a very spakky man.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:48, Reply)

In Didsbury, South Manchester....
... there is this wierd guy who carries an enormous Hare around all the pubs. Its about the size of a toddler- massive and he treats it like a baby!

He seems to use it as a way to get stuck into the birds, so fair play I suppose. My female friends are always impressed. Think I might get an Andrex puppy for the same purpose.

AND

In Chesterfield there was always this old chap who stood there with a mouth organ, kind of breathing and stuttering through it. The noise was horrendous, but he used to justify it by muttering 'Just warming up' in a kind of mumbled pissed voice every ten seconds. I always used to give him some coin as he was great entertainment value! Wonder if he is still there- anyone know?
(dogger collymore, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:42, Reply)

re: the best of luck man
If it's a fairly fat black guy, I think he's caleld Horace.

Having said that, I'm not sure, and if he's not, he goes absolutely fucking mental if you call him that.

used to spend a lot of time in N.Finchley as well
(tone loc, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:41, Reply)

I live in Reading, we have our fair share.
In fact there's fucking loads, but I love 'em. The bearded shouting tramp, who shouts things that are probably meant to be obscene but just sound like RRRRAAAAAAOOOORRRRGGGGG. I saw him walking along the middle of the Oxford Road the other week with a 3 litre diamond white bottle with his keks round his ankles. And the Running Man, a small bearded tramp who runs everywhere while looking at the ground. Both of these guys often have quite nasty injuries, usually on the face. I hope it's from falling over pissed, not some bastard beating them up. I like nutters.
(he who walks, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:39, Reply)

reply to ferret charmer
I know the mole guy you are talking about, his house is just off englefield road in hackney. The house has been on London Tonight with this poor reporter trying vainly to get a word out of him - its just so wierd that he has this completely detached house in the middle of hackney and he decides to dig under the surrounding roads.
(callipygous everytime I kill a hitchhiker, God masturbates, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:38, Reply)

i was walking along in manchester centre with some girl
and someone selling a big issue smacked me over the head with it, before saying "go on, buy one for your girlfriend; it can be an early christmas present!"



it was february.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:36, Reply)

Barking Mad
There is a bloke that walks around my area who always has his hand on his nose like it is fixed there with superglue, he barks a lot as well
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:36, Reply)

The fuitloops of Sunny Tunny Wells
Here in fine middle class Tunbridge Wells we have a wonderful selection of socialy awkward individuals. The most famous of which is 'Naughty Boy Man.' So called because he walks around the town in a top hat singing 'I'm a naughty boy, everything I do is a sin' at the top of his voice. He normally walks around the shopping centre acting completely normal and then randomlys runs into a shop and starts his self-deprecating ditty. Absolute fruitloop.

We also have a tramp known as 'the rinky-dink man' who plays the same tune on his battered old guitar regardless of whether it has six strings, four strings or none at all. Come to think of it he bears a startling resembelance to Alan Moore...

Then of course there's stacking boxes man, mad running mubling girl, tramp who camps in the woods, cross-dressing old man and his buddy who looks like an American civil war vet, camp man who talks to nobody on his mobile (as loudly as possible.)....to name but a few.

Apparently Tunbridge Wells and the surrounding area has the highest incest rate in all of the UK....
(Moonfrog1, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:33, Reply)

2 nutters for the price of one post...
Nutter 1:
My most memorable nutter. Group of 6 of us (3 blokes + associated female partners) walking through Regents Park last summer when in the distance we saw some nutter harrassing people. As we passed he ranted a bit but generally kept to himself until we were about 10 yards from him when he shouted:
"COME ON BOYS, YOU'VE GOT ONE MORE GANGBANG LEFT IN YA!"

Marvellous, I wish I was that mad.

Nutter 2: Dilbert. If I look out of our office window I can see him, he's a bit retarded but harmless enough, spending most of his time in his tracky bottoms, sandals, thick glasses and sticks to petting the local cats. Harmless until he gets the horn, then he drops his kecks, flops out his knob and cracks one off. He usually has a quick look about first to check if anyone is about, but of course can't see us in our 2nd floor office, with our digital camera....
(Scribble, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 14:31, Reply)