Mini person...
Well i'd say the most famous nutter we had living by us was a bloke refered to as the mini man. Not because he was small but because he lived in a mini. thats right a mini, on parking space next to a roundabout.
A freind of mine worked at the local hostel where he would goto shower but mysteriously ALWAYS stank of piss and would only eat if he was in a cupboard and used to drink dolmio sauce straight from the tin.
Recently he upgraded and now lives in ford escort.
Strange thing was i served him a few times in the shop i worked at and he was always very polite and always had the right change.
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 19:34, Reply)

Musical Ken
In Oxford, theres a crazy guy called Musical Ken. He walks around with his stuff in a big orange rubbish bag and sleeps in a graveyard(the one opposite Boswells, for any locals).

The joy of Musical Ken is/was (haven't seen him for a bit) his total lack of musical ability, his ignorance of that fact and his ability to talk total bullshit.

He once approached us at a cashpoint, and said 'Hi, I'm Ken - I'd like to play a song for you guys - what'll it be?'. One of my friends said 'How about 'Let It Be?''. Ken concentrated and pulled his harmonica out, solemnly raising it to his mouth. He breathed in, pressed his lips against the instrument and then blew randomly and tunelessly (and with no small amount of gobbyness) through the harmonica for a few seconds, creating the impression that several cats were being hurt simultaneously. He stopped saying 'Do you know who taught me to play harmonica?'. Obviously we didn't. 'John Lennon - I was at school with 'im. Taught me everything he knew. He also taught me to play the gee-tar'

Musical Ken then said 'This is something Bob Dylan taught me...' He tapped his foot, shook his head in time with the music and counted himself in '4,3,2,1...' before blowing into the harmonica and pushing it randomly from side to side. If it was a chorus of swinging cats before, it was a chorus of swinging cats being swung around over his head this time...

Further questioning revealed that he had co-written 'Cats' by Andrew Lloyd-Webber and had also been at school with Mick Jagger (for whom he had done studio recordings).

We love Musical Ken. He's bonkers. The best thing? When we used to say hello to him when we saw him in the street, he used to say either 'keep on rocking!' or 'you guys are crazy!'.

Bless him.
( Chrysogenated - the Uber-lurker, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 19:31, Reply)

Crazy Scone baker
Crazy Woman on the road just off the high street. She lives in a big house and used to stand outside it chatting to anyone about what she had cooked that day. She offered 2 let us sleep on her lounge floor one day when we were about 14, we delcined. Mate of mine wound her up one day the convo went like this

Woman: today iv baked some apple tart
M8: have you?
Woman: yes and some scones
M8: really?
Woman: yes and some cookies, and some scones
M8: wow thats amazing
Woman: yes and i make some scones and and
m8: and some scones?
Woman: yes yes some scones, and some bread
m8: Any scones?
Woman: o yes dont forget the scones

Went on like that for about twenty minutes
(Songi, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 19:26, Reply)

How do I know all of these?
Am I a nutter collecter? Because I have lived in Winchester, London and Guildford, and have seen most of the people mentioned in those parts of the country....
my favourites have to be:
The puppet guy in Guildford. Once he was seen in the friary shopping centre holding a bulb over his head shouting ' I've had a bright idea'. and another time holding a tyre yelling 'I'm a little tired'

Sinner Winner Man: I too have seen 'don't be a sinner, be a winner' in sunny Oxford street.. However, my fave has to be when I went to see the Manic Street Preachers at Wembley, and he was outside the tube station yelling 'Jesus was the original Manic Street Preacher!'

good grief....

However, originating from the delightful town of Alton, we have more nutters than you can shake a stick at, such as:
The man who wears short shorts all year round because he says he needs to for medical reasons...
The guy who, if anyone in any shops asks him for a loyalty/credit card, goes on for about 20 minutes about plastic being evil and satanic. He also refers to Petrol as 'Satan's Milk' which he wrote all over the petrol pumps at my local sainsbury's
(lard-tastic, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 19:25, Reply)

There was
This fat bloke who used to sit outside the post office with a trolley full of nothing, and had blue jogging bottoms that were fading, and you could see where he had pissed himself, but he was always there outside the post office, you'd think he'd prefer to piss himself in his own home, assuming he had one.
( monkdagola but how do you TURN a phrase?, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 19:22, Reply)

Sadly missed loon
I miss the loon who used to base himself on a roundabout just outside Worthing, always immaculately dressed in Dinner Jacket, Bow Tie et al, and waved at the traffic all day. I seem to remember his push bike being parked on the roundabout.
(Dizzy Bob loves nuts, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 19:21, Reply)

Madrid nuts
when I was hlidaying, I found this really smelly old man who used to hand around with the prostitutes next to McDonalds. Anyhow,he had no trousers on and in their place he had stapled a piece of cloth over his nads, so whenever he needed to piss he just could lift it up and pee in the outside eating place at mcdonalds. Oh and whenever he saw a motorised street cleaner-mobile he used to shout verbal abuse at the operator and throw large items like those flappy bins infront of it so that it couldn't sweep up...
(PensocraticA, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 19:20, Reply)

eeehhhh bighead
i have often been called a bighead by the small, garden gnome like character in the town centre. he can be seen every weekend, always with a grin on his face and rosy cheeks, shouting eeeehhh bighead at anybody who tickles his fancy.
(titwankfuckdick, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 19:17, Reply)

this guy
who plays the fiddle outside a textbook store right off campus. Some of the music students will stand out there *with him* and form a little 3 or 4-person band.

Another guy: too old to be a student and much too dirty to be a teacher. I'm walking through the tunnel and he looks right *at* me, like he knows me, and says, "Sometimes, it doesn't work out the way you want it to." Not funny, just kind of strange.
(fantastic german, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 19:15, Reply)

From somewhere in the depths of my mind
I've just remembered all kinds of nutters in Oxford. The best one is the one who enjoys standing in the middle of the road directing traffic, and once caused a pile-up resulting in closure of Magdalen Bridge for some time.

And I've seen Oxford's show-tune-singing man in places as far-flung as Summertown, where he asked me for his plane fare home to Ireland.
(ionicus, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 19:10, Reply)

Borka
Borka is not this lady's real name. But everyond calls her that.

She lives a few streets down from where I grew up. If you walked by her house on Saturdays, you could see her mowing her lawn wearing nothing but horn-rimmed glasses and lacy lacy underwear. However, as she's fat and at least seventy years old, this is not a good thing to see.

She likes to go places. Her prefered mode of transport is waiting until people stop at intersections, then to climb into the passenger seat and mumble things like "I want to buy groceries" or "I want to see a picture show" or "Take me home!" If you lock the door when you see her coming, she'll wiggle the handle in surprise, give you a dirty look, then move on to the next target.

Bonkers. Absolutly bonkers.
(dragonrose, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 19:03, Reply)

Oh, another one....
Some old chinese lady who walks up and down the road all day with a bike, and deliberatly crosses the road when a car's coming and mutters to herself and appalling manners and stuff.
(not-colette Is that a real poncho or is that a sears poncho?, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 19:01, Reply)

i actually like this one a lot
there's this guy in my town, i don't know his name, but he's a mexican guy, and he's very friendly. he says hello to everyone, and he loves elephants. he is always buying little elephant trinkets from stores, and getting books about elephants from the library.

our town hosts an annual county fair, and a few years ago, a truck carrying some elephants was involved in a minor accident, and elephants walked about the road for a short period of time. this guy happened to see them, and came running back to town, telling everyone, "i saw elephants!" but no one believed him.

i love that guy.
(schnurricane, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 19:00, Reply)

Theres this other lady...
who is mostly sighted in the Milton Keynes market. I dont think she works there, but she likes to wear her flourecent jacket and strut around.
Late at night she rides on her bike, still donning the flourecent jacket, directing people to their taxis. I think she likes the attention.
Hehe, one day she fell off her bike while she had a sanwhich in her hand, right outside my bar. She didnt even sit up, so I went out to check she wasnt dead. She was laying there eating her sandwich. Wierdo.
( Grundlebiscuit, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 19:00, Reply)

Ive got an old bloke called Sam who is a local celebrity
he is actually nuts, so If you dont find disabled people a laughing matter please skip this.
Hes usually walking down the high street in Stony Stratford, Bible in hand, singing rule brittania, or some hymn. When I say sing, I mean shout, in the fact you can hear him coming about 30 odd seconds before you actually see him.
More shockingly, he has been often sighted walking through our picturesque country village with his shrivelled penis hanging out of his flies. This added to the bucketloads of "dribble" down his lapel, adds up to creating a rather disturbing site.
I thought he was dead for a couple of years, but he's just started reappearing recently. Good old sam.
( Grundlebiscuit, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:55, Reply)

Maybe not crazy...
...but rather old and senile. There's a nursing home nearby, and there used to be this old man who would spend the whole day sitting in his wheelchair out in front. No matter what the season, he would be wearing a wool winter hat. My sister and I used to wave at him when we'd go by in the car, and it seemed to make his day.
I think he either died or escaped.
(pk, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:54, Reply)

Over in Scarborough
Friend of mine found a tramp who would chase after a 5p if you rolled one past him. Said friend did so and hid the tramp's flute. Happy days.
(NPC, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:54, Reply)

American policeman...
Oh, and there's this guy who drives around Bognor on an American police motorbike, all kitted out in the police uniform and stuff. And he's obese.
(not-colette Is that a real poncho or is that a sears poncho?, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:52, Reply)

So...
..there's this one guy where I live who is just a tad bit on the crazy side. I don't think he minds either.
Once, when my friend and I were riding the bus, he got on and stood there while his pants just slowly made their way down. My friend and I were speechless, but they were already starting to show his special region and something had to be done. Thankfully, someone had the nerve to say to him "Dude, your pants."
Another time I saw this guy whilst waiting for a bus. It was around the middle of January (which can be really nasty here in Ohio), and he was wearing a Zoro mask. Also, he had with him an accoustic guitar that he had painted (by that, I mean dumped a bucket of paint on) a nasty Pepto-Bismal pink. It was missing a few strings too. That didn't seem to stop him from suddenly strumming (not the right chords) and wailing "I Fought the Law and the Law Won" to all of downtown Akron.
He also comes into the McDonald's that I work at on occasion.
(pk, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:50, Reply)

Strange man on the bus
got on with a giant sack of bird seed. He sat down, then took a dead pidgeon out of the bag and stroked it for 5 minutes before putting it back.

also, he took up two seats cuz he was fat. Oh how i love to point and laugh at people.
(. . . . ., Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:47, Reply)

Once when I was drunk...
... me and my friend Karen were waiting for a taxi and this guy in army camoflauge walked past. So, being the drunken idiots that we are, we called him over. It turned out this man was about 35-40, and about 4years ago had had some kind of operation, but afterwards he'd had an injection in his arm and they sort of over did it a bit... so much that half of his brain slipped to the side. Or so he said... Anyway, he said that one day he just decided to leave home and go hiking everywhere. Apparently he'd started in Chichester, and had hiked all the way to Bognor. The distance is about 20miles. Though I think he was lieing, because I see him all over the bloody place now. weirdo.
(not-colette Is that a real poncho or is that a sears poncho?, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:46, Reply)

Marigold
If you ever took the bus around the ring road in Norwich a few years ago you'll remember Marigold, wearing rubber gloves and directing the traffic. Deranged, but seemed happy.
(Bids How much is that window in the doggy?, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:44, Reply)

there was a guy in guildford that used to sit begging outside burger king with puppets on his feet. fact.
(GoldenFanjita whistle posse blow! horns crew i can't hear you!, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:36, Reply)

I heard
there's this bloke, and if ur naughty he comes to you at night and eats ur brains and smells of old maggot farts...could just be a rumour though.
(Genghis_kahn, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:34, Reply)

Happy Jack
lived alone on West Street in Oakham. You would regularly find him shuffling about town, picking up dog ends and rifling through bins...you know the usual trampy stuff. However, there were a few things that made Jack the best tramp in the area.

He ate wallpaper from inside his house and then proceeded to shat the mush onto the local Chinky's doorstep, and he constantly shouted "LESBIANS" to all and sundry, whilst wanking himself off on the park benches.

Oh and he reeked of fucking piss....but that's to be expected when you don't pull your trousers down before having a slash.
( Scary Mary The D'oh Fairy, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:33, Reply)

Newspaper man
I used to work at King's College in London, in a small offshoot campus on King's Road. There was tall, gangly, smelly blokle who was frequently to be found in the basement toilets of the nearby hall of residence. We used to use their bar after work, and without fail he'd be in the lavs, reading a newspaper selected from his bulging carrier bag of old papers.

One evening some of us saw a jaguar pull up beside him as he shuffled along outside the hall. A *very* posh woman cajoled him into the car and drove off. Wife? Relative? Random fancier of smelly newspaper readers? We never found out.
( foop, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:28, Reply)

trolley molly
an old lady in stafford who has a 90 degree back so she always faces the floor. occasionally walks along backwards with her trolley and tries to steal a shoe from bacons. legend has it she lives in a house full of treasure (no, really, i have no idea where these rumours come from)
(Slurpy The Frog, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:19, Reply)

The Old Lady & me
Not very far away from home lives an old lady who is the official nutter of my village. She spends her days at the front door shouting at people who walk by and throwing her wee outside in the street from a bucket. But no one really gives her much importance. Except me of course.

Once I decided that it was not fair that this demented old piece of wrinkled shit never verbaly assaulted me. So I took action. I started walking past her and stare at her, moving slowly as I passed her by and faster as I moved away. One day I was going through the same ritual and she scolded me, demanding what I was looking at. That was what I was waiting for. I ran up to her mumbling and banging on her door. I shook my head volently and after shouting carefully chosen obscenities I ran off. I didn't notice her reaction much, all I know is that she was waving her hands like there was some giant bee attacking her. I don't know if she told this to anyone but no-one believes her anyway.

A few weeks later I walked infront of her house again but she didn't utter a word. I am now starting to think that I am the village nutter. Oh I was 16 at the time, I'm 20 now.
(Musk ox hygene inspector, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:10, Reply)

hatfield
in hatfield where i live there is this odd bloke that walks round in really small shorts he allways has a backpack on and he has long hair. all he does all day is walk round in his shorts stops and ponders whilst touching his chin very odd if you live in hatfield you will know who i mean.
(fwack bang on it, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:03, Reply)

I love the nutters
theyre a bit like buskers, but you don't have to give them any money for the entertainment.
Anyway, I often walk/cycle/skateboard along the thames path and sometime have the good fortune to run in to the local nutter I've named 'fart knocker'. Fart knocker, a short (five one ish), scruffy old fella who, once among a crowd of tourists makes the loudest fart noise with his mouth. After the noise he curses at the embarrasment he's caused himself..walks on and does it again. beautiful...
( smello, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 18:03, Reply)