I might not actually be losing it...
...but I frequently fall victim to the usual things of :

-walking in to a room and forgetting why
-forgetting what I was saying in the middle of a sentence (and occasionally the middle of a word)
-trying to lock a door that's already locked
-forgetting things the instant it happened

and so forth. I also occasionally either forget to take off my glasses when I go to bed (and then wonder what's digging in to the side of my face) or forget to put them on in the morning and then panic slightly because everything is blurry.

I have been convinced, once, that I was properly going mental, but I'll save that for another post....
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 16:24, Reply)

not me but...
A frenchman called Bretodeau. When he was a boy played marbles with the other boys at school. He managed to win all the marbles, just before it was time to line up to go back into school, he desperately stuffed all the marbles in his jacket pockets (to hide them from the teacher who was apparently a git) but too late the teacher got angry and dragged him by his ear to the front of the line but there were so many marbles his pockets split and all the marbles fell out onto the floor to the cheers of the other boys.

That is when he lost his marbles.

that's 2 on the bingo card ;0)
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 16:24, 2 replies)

Skipton Sheep Sales
An old farmer I knew went to buy some sheep at The Skipton sheep sales. He took his shepherd with him in his Landrover but then forgot to bring the poor guy home again! Not long after that his family decided it would be a good idea to hide his car keys from him.
(Mackeson_drinker, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 16:05, 3 replies)

My friend Tim
in Holland asked for a McBigMac. Is that the sort of thing you're after?
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 15:59, 5 replies)

I went to buy a pair of trousers in the shops.
I wanted to pay by Credit Card, but...he he, you won't believe this...I accidentally paid by Debit Card.

WHAT AM I LIKE!?!?!??!?!??!!
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 15:43, 12 replies)

When I pull into the carpark at work
and realise I meant to go to the shops.
(dyllon nice beaver., Fri 22 Jul 2011, 15:31, 1 reply)

Still haven't decided if my frequent lapses are amusing, or signs of a serious mental disorder
Yesterday I was walking home from work. I was tired and bored and I think I must have just phased out or something, because I started to singing to myself. It was (for some bizarre reason) Army Dreamers by Kate Bush. I was singing really quite loudly and tunelessly, as one might in the shower or something, before I suddenly realised that I had long ago reached the middle of Aberdeen City centre and that people (late night shopping on a Thursday!) were actually crossing the street to avoid me. The embarrassment was excruciating.

Here's another - one of my friend's actually, but I was in the room so it totally counts.

It was during uni at some house party somewhere, and we were all pilled up to the eyeballs. My mate (we'll call him Dave, why not) is standing in middle of the room, chatting bollocks with some bloke and, because of the MDMA, getting along famously. Just at this point, the music stops (I guess the album had finished or somebody had fucked with the mp3 playlist or something) and everybody in the room witnesses this marvellous exchange:

Dave: I should put you in my phone - what's your number?
Some bloke: It's OK, I've already got yours, I'll ring your phone right now and you can just hit save... [he pulls out his mobile and dials]
Dave: Oh shit - a phone call from some random number! [he pulls out his own phone and answers it] Hello? Hello? I can't hear you, I'm at a party...
Everyone in the room: Ha ha ha ha
Dave: Guys, shhh! I'm on the phone! ... Hello? Hello!?

Took him several minutes to figure out what just happened.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 15:30, Reply)

I must be losing it
Bar one post, I'm out of the fail archive. WHAT DID I DO BADGER? Am I not fail enuff? I mean it, I really am upset. This is worse than reading Rory's trolling
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 15:25, Reply)

On the theme of "Don't fuck, you could end up with children" here are some other mental things
The inability to not tap something in a soothing way.
Rocking shopping trolleys to sleep.
Silence being worse than screaming.
No memory of past events.

I think you have to go doo & lally as a safety measure.

Edit: I could have put these in my post a few down, but I'd forgot all about them.
(waxdart hello., Fri 22 Jul 2011, 15:13, 1 reply)

Phone amnesia
My wife once asked me to pass her the phone, to which I calmly ignored her, when she got a little shoutier, I pointed out to her that she was holding it between her ear and shoulder - having a sodding conversation - at the time!!

Oh how we laughed.

And also at the ripe old age of 38 I do have the tendency to walk into rooms without the foggiest recall of why I entered in the first place - and yes, this does include the toilet.
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 15:03, 1 reply)

Those people who forget they've driven into work and go home on the bus,
well, I've done similar. Used to cycle into town with a toddler on the kiddy seat, or more rarely take the bus. Sometimes, seeing a bus arrive at the usual stop for going home I'd rush the kid and shopping onto it, congratulating myself on catching it in good time.

I'd then occasionally notice my pushbike, chained to a post beside the bus stop, receding into the distance. Damn! I'd have to run back later for it. It was always there, intact, when I arrived.

It has only just occurred to me that if I had a toddler with me, and no pushbike, I'd also have a buggy. You'd really think the absence of it would be a hint that I shouldn't be catching the bus. Durr.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 15:00, Reply)

I found my milk
in the cupboard, the day after I last used it.

I don't know why I put it in the cupboard, I don't remember doing it. I'm 35.
(ricky_darkholer is blonde on the inside, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 14:56, 2 replies)

When living in London...

... I returned home from work and swiped my wallet over the brick pillar in the front garden in the hope my oyster card would open the front door.
( bierbelly, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 14:28, 1 reply)

This was somewhere in the early 90's....
I think as a family we all started to collectively lose it. The only one who seemed to be holding it together was the cat, but he too soon succumbed to the madness and by the end of this tumultuous year was developing mysterious bald spots and erratic twitches. Possibly out of some sort of sympathy for my gran, but you can't be sure about these things. The first I realised I might not have a normal mum was when my she turned up to fetch me from school two hours late. Apparently, she had lost her car in the car park at the supermarket and couldn't find it. Once was enough, but after about the third time she finally declared it was "too stressful" to fetch me from school and bought me a bicycle. It was winter then, pissed with rain often and I got soaked most days on the way to school. I was just about dry by the time I needed to make the return journey home. A raincoat was deemed surplus to requirements as I would only "lose it anyway". Thanks mum.

Around this time dad decided it was much nicer to swim naked than with his stylish speedo. No amount of begging or pleading could spare us the site of his random nude swims. It's just about ok when you're watching tv in the afternoon and a naked man wanders past the window. It's unthinkable when your mates are over and you're 13 years old and dad is doing naked bomb drops. The morning swim was always accompanied by his customary piss. This in itself wouldn't be so bad were it not for the fact that the piss would be in the rose garden literally outside my window and would without fail be accompanied by a symphony of anal belching that would scar even the hardest of men. My ears begin to bleed at the mere thought of that cacophony of noise I was subjected to each morning. And the smell! Who could forget the smell of hot piss and farts wafting into your window on a beautiful summers day as the sun glinted through your curtains.

Gran would pop over to visit and on one such day she happily declared she had sold her tv. Apparently there were too many "rainbows" on tv. This you must understand was in the early days of the breakdown of apartheid in South Africa. Dad helpfully translated that rainbows were black people. Gran muttered something about the good old days, took another sip of her Johnny walker and nodded off on the sofa only to be awaken later by the cat licking her foot. Pretty standard stuff really.

My mother was pretty good at striking the fear of God into us. She used to make us sandwiches for school everyday. Heaven help us if her effort wasn't rewarded by us actually eating the dry bread with a pathetic layer of peanut butter. One day my brother came home with his sandwiches and panicked because he realised mom would kill him if she realised he hadn't eaten them. So thinking logically he did the most intelligent thing he could think of. He flushed them down the toilet. Two peanut butter sandwiches and a banana for good measure. Of course the whole system blocked up and a plumber was called. Upon removing them my brother, who was standing nearby, lost all colour from his face and attempted to make an exit. A don't want to describe all the details of what happened next, but suffice to say some time later a meek, crying boy was sitting next to me in the lounge. My brothers crime then led my mother to declare that she was abdicating from all future sandwich making duties as we didn't appreciate her.

Our dog also started to exhibit some worrying signs and had been rather taken by the habit of chasing cars. Specifically trying to bite their tyres. If you left the door open an inch he'd be out in the street attempting to mow down any car that dared drive past our house. Obviously this isn't the safest habit and he somehow managed to be on the losing end of a titanic battle with a old nissan. Suffice to say he lost a lot of blood, but he survived. However, my mom swears it wasn't the 30 stitches the vet put in his neck that saved him, but rather the healing power that she conveyed through her hands when he was a quivering wreck on the road. Unfortunately her healing powers did not work on all animals apparently and our other sick dog (which mom didn't like) didn't survive his doggy liver disorder. Anyway, at least we had one miracle that year.

I, of course, was a model of integrity while my family slowly crumbled around me. I still am.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 14:05, 2 replies)

noun aphasia
It's very annoying when trying to talk about something and not being able to recall what the thing is called. The other words you need to describe it seem to piss off at the same time too.
Couldn't get the word for Sink a few days ago when I was asked about the weekend. People around me get used to it so have to guess.
Thing in the food making place next to the oven, holds dirty dishes.
Do you mean sink.
could be.
I fitted one of those at the weekend.
(waxdart hello., Fri 22 Jul 2011, 13:48, 2 replies)

Rarely reading newspapers these days
...prefering to read stuff on-line, I was at my ex's house picking up my kids; whilst waiting for them to get ready, I sat at the dining table reading her newspaper.
As time got on, I found myself the top of the newspaper to find the current time - where it would usually be on my PC.
(dchurch bah, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 13:28, 2 replies)

I got off the train....
I walked home. As I rounded the corner I realised there was an empty space where my car once stood. For the briefest of moments a rage boiled up inside me as I thought of all the things I would do to the people who stole my car once I found them. Then I remembered I had driven into work that morning. FUCK!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 13:21, Reply)

Woman goes to wrong restaurant on date
www.newvision.co.ug/D/9/500/760346
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 13:18, Reply)

Man loses shoes in Uganda
www.newvision.co.ug/D/9/42/760342

It's in all the papers.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 13:13, 2 replies)

Cat food is rubbish
So, I get home from work last night and open the door to the usual scene...dead fish/bird/mouse on the mat and two cats running towards me so that I can tell them how clever they are and so they can scream at me until I feed them.
Into the kitchen I go and open the sachets of cat food and proceed to empty them not into the cats bowls, no, but straight into the bin.
My mistake was only clear to me when both cats suddenly stopped screaming at me and just stared silently up at me, with a look in their eyes that made me feel pathetic, humiliated and stupid.
(twistypie, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 13:08, 2 replies)

I am made for this QOTW
I went to get a dishwasher tablet out of the cupboard and planted my hand deep into a box of Alpen.
I put the kettle in the cupboard at work.
I put a used teabag back into the box.
I put the milk bottle in the cupboard.
Upon preparing for a camping weekend i went into the airing cupboard to retrieve the tent etc, only to find that i'd put the last trip's rubbish bag in with all the other stuff. So i had a 6 month old festering but oh so neatly sealed cool bag filled with fluffy biscuits and burger packets.
( Victor Meldrew, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 12:15, 2 replies)

Once upon a time I....blah blah blah...
....tapas.....yaddayaddayadda.....Portugaul....*waffle*....Stockport....blahblah....insulin.

Needless to say I had the last laugh.

Cheers.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 11:48, 15 replies)

Cycling to work I always felt like I had forgotten something.
Keys? pat pocket: check
Wallet? pat other pocket: check
Watch? shake left arm: check
Bag? wiggle back a bit: check
Shirt? Pat chest: check

3 of those things I have left home without, one I can't leave home without and the other - why would I need to check that?
(teebie jeebie, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 11:44, 9 replies)

Wrong seat...
Another quick one...

A while ago I went to leave for work, and got into the back seat of my car, it took me waaaaaaaaaayyyy longer than it should have to realize what was wrong.

In my defense the car was parked different to normal and I was tired.
(repooc, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 11:43, 3 replies)

My friend Louise would only hum the tune.
It was really annoying, so I instructed her to do it properly.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 11:40, 5 replies)

Gaming bleed over...
I have been driving down a street more than once, seen the twinkle of the sun off a building or a particularly green tree, and thought to myself "Great graphics" or "Nice lens flare".

For the record, I'm married, and I get regular *nudge* *nudge* *wink* *wink*.

Although that's probably too far fetched for most people on b3ta to believe.
(repooc, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 11:38, 4 replies)

At least twice a month
Using the zapper on my car keys to try and open my front door...
(sheps, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 11:33, 3 replies)

My father will regularly walk purposefully into a room
Stand in the middle of it for a moment, say "No" firmly, and then wander out.

I am slightly disturbed to notice that I have started doing the same thing ...
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 11:16, 8 replies)

I once got the saline solution mixed up with the insulin
And when I say once...
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 11:12, 4 replies)

Thomas Bruce - thieving English bastard, innit..

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 11:11, Reply)