So anyway, back when I was a student..
..coming into my final year I spent a few weeks working in theatres.

On the day of this tale I was detailed to work in a partiular theatre on the urology list. The list for the day comprised exclusively circumcisions, mainly in young lads who'd got a phimosis.
Finally the last customer of the morning comes in.
Gentleman in his 60's, rather shy, had needed YEARS of nagging by his wife to get it seen to apparently.

The first stage of the op, once the patient is safely aneasthetised is for the surgeon, or his assistant to 'prepare' the area for surgery. In the case of a circumcision this involves yanking down the tight collar of the world's smallest polo neck and cleaning underneath.

Operating theatres are often warm places, which can, if conditions are right(lots of procedures needing diathermy, fat sweaty cunts working there, etc) make it rather whiffy.
The punter's foreskin came back to reveal that the chap had quite possibly never washed under it his entire adult life, On a first glance it appeared to have been inches deep in knob cheese, but, mercifully at this point there was no smell.
So the surgeon whips out his forceps and gauze and begins cleaning.

Did I mention that it was last case of the morning?
Keen to get out for his urgent appointment with the golf course the surgeon set about prepaing the area with a considerable amount of vim.
The cheese went EVERYWHERE, including into the goggles of his assistant and the scrub nurse, the overhead lights, the patient's ear and as a coup de grace, the aneasthetist's cup of water, which the aformentioned gasman then, not realising, drank.

Worst thing about the whole affair?

Agitating the layers caused the previously docile penile fromage to release its fragrance.

Like cheap mozzarella.

Gone off.

And then eaten and sicked up by a French dog.

Vile stuff.
Since then, I've seen gangrenous wounds filled with maggots, 80%+ burns, people who've been so constipated they throw up shit and YM but this is still, 15 years on, the nastiest thing I've encountered.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 20:54, 62 replies)

Oh for fuck's sake AB, why?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 20:58, closed)

Because these cunts need to know what proper work vileness is.
Not 'some bloke dun a poo at work'.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 21:00, closed)

I expect you've got fucking loads of stories about some proper grim stuff.
Worst I've ever encountered was a bloke with a gangrenous hand.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 21:02, closed)

I was going to tell my favourite geriatric poo story but I'm not sure I can be arsed.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 22:43, closed)

I can't begin to tell you how upset I am that I'm a cunt who’s horrified by the odd ‘work turd’ and don’t have a job that involves getting splattered geriatric knob cheese.
(ringofyre, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 10:56, closed)

I'm gutted that my job mostly involves arranging pixels in imaginative ways on the internet
and not getting covered in someone else's rancid smegma
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 11:44, closed)

I too, am pleased that I'm not an anaethestist.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 13:22, closed)

Your faith must be a great comfort
in these troubled times.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:20, closed)

Haha, like a thick fuck like you would ever qualify to be an anaesthetist anyway

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:31, closed)

^upset at still having an adolescent job in his forties^

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:00, closed)

Says the man whose job sounds like basically a glorified version of colouring in.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:21, closed)

Well, I say 'man'...

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:28, closed)

That's the interesting thing about colouring in
Every moron thinks they can do it, and they can - badly. To do it properly requires effort, patience and skill and people who can consistently do it well make a good living from it. I've done it occasionally and it's not half as much fun as it sounds.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 10:01, closed)

And that kids, is why he's well-regarded in the modelling community.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 10:18, closed)

Not upset, oh no

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 10:20, closed)

Just make sure to push your glasses back up your nose after typing all that.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 10:22, closed)

He stays in the lines and everything

(McChinaman banned, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 11:20, closed)

The fact that you have to justify it like that speaks volumes about how worthless a job it is.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 11:31, closed)

Worth is in the eye of the beholder
I'd probably enjoy comic books less if they were all monochrome line-art
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 11:52, closed)

Quite so. But any beholder who thinks colouring in is as worthwhile as nursing is a worthless fucking bell end.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 12:07, closed)

Not upset, TTT-ing ^^^^^^

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 18:43, closed)

i'm glad you've held on to your dignity, here.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 18:50, closed)

Alright Brigadier.

(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 12:35, closed)

Very well, thanks for asking
5 lobsters in the pots this afternoon!
(ringofyre, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 15:48, closed)

is ringo trialling some sort of ignore 3.0?
i presume it only works if you put someone on ignore, then whine about having someone on ignore, then log out to see if they are remotely bothered, then log back in to complain about them not complaining about your complaint.

what a complicated way of saying 'nobody likes me on the internet or real life'. poor old ringo.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 13:21, closed)

TTT: the next level.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 13:23, closed)

It's because he's a twat.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 13:32, closed)

i can't wait for him to come online and do his daily vanity search.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 18:54, closed)

it would be such a shame if someone were to put <a href="r*ngofyre r*ngo s*ckpuppet"></a> into the body of all their posts and totally bollox up that vanity search, wouldn't it

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 22:59, closed)

lol at the water bit

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 21:08, closed)

That's horrible. Have a click.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 21:09, closed)

This kids, is how it is done.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 21:13, closed)

I too would like to click "I like this" for this story.
Sadly I can't as I have AB on ignore.

Maybe if he spent more time writing stories like this rather than posting snide and sarcastic replies and creepily collating links I could take him off ignore and be able to reward him accordingly.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 9:20, closed)

He must be devastated to have missed out on receiving a click from you. Truly heartbroken.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 9:51, closed)

QUICK! MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU!

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 13:32, closed)

QUICK! MAKE IT ALL ABOUT ME!

(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 18:45, closed)

Oh fuck
:(
( Major Turd for tonight only, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 21:11, closed)

Arghhh

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 21:33, closed)

Reminds me of this woeful tale
The Dagobah Story
(McChinaman banned, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 21:38, closed)

Sometimes "I like this" doesn't quite seem right...

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 10 Sep 2013, 21:55, closed)

Nom nom nom nom nom!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 22:18, closed)

Further proof, were it needed, that the Jews have the right idea.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 22:24, closed)

Take control of finance and the media and use the negroes as muscle?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 22:38, closed)

Silly, that's the lizard people.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 9:05, closed)

Which ones have the silly hats and sideways foofoos?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 9:42, closed)

Do I look like an anthropologist?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 10:15, closed)

No

(McChinaman banned, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 18:24, closed)

Thanks. I didn't have a mirror handy.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 20:28, closed)

I remember thinking "eurgh" the first time I read this.
My opinion has not changed. Eurgh. Click. Eurgh.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 9:52, closed)

O_o
People so constipated they throw up shit???
( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 9:56, closed)

Yep Faecal vomiting

(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 10:39, closed)

pearoast?
I've read this story before (like, years) but with slightly different wording and I can't remember where...

Not to say it hasn't happened to more than one person.
(squigbobble existed, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 10:51, closed)

Yup.

( Pig Bodine., Wed 11 Sep 2013, 11:04, closed)

As a former biochemist, I can confirm
that compounds such as terpenes can have a very powerful aroma, and dick terpenes gone down in history.
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 15:02, closed)

because he was the dandy highwayman?

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 15:10, closed)

Yeah great now I'm reading that post to the tune of Stand and Deliver. For fuck's sake.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 15:14, closed)

Don't worry if people take the piss.
Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 19:05, closed)

YOU CUNT

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 20:35, closed)

christ, i can't hear a thing in here.
so turn off the jukebox, and do us all a favour.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 20:53, closed)

Charming!
Prince Charming
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 21:35, closed)

ADAM FUCKING ANT

(McChinaman banned, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 11:19, closed)

FOR FUCK'S SAKE

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 11:32, closed)