Badger's Guide To Getting The Most Out Of Your NHS.
1. Don't be a rude ignorant wanker. I've got a consultant wanting to ask a selection of questions about patients z,y and z, the bloke opposite is sitting in a puddle of his own shit, there is someone in the next bay with a blood pressure of 82/40 and a heart rate of 119, this better be good. Also: we know when you're being rude due to pain/feeling crappy and just plain being a cunt.

2. Stop smoking, cut down your booze intake and lose some weight. It's not namby-pamby PC gorn 'elf and safety crypto-facist lefty nannying, it's common sense. Yes you look very cool smoking in your teens and twenties, but trust me, you will look and feel like shit in your fifties.

3. Do you really need to go to A & E? Sometimes it can't be helped, but can your GP or NHS direct deal with it?

4. If you do have to go to A & E and have to wait, then I'm afraid that that's the rub. You've been triaged, you'll be seen as and when your level of Broken warrants. Sometimes the alcoholic tramp next to you NEEDS seeing first, them's the breaks. See also : point 1.

5. Apart from your GP, 90% of doctors you see will be juniors. Yes, they've been to university for 6 years, yes they're pretty clever. They are, nonetheless still learning and may very well make mistakes. A responsible senior nurse or a pharmacist will swiftly them see right, particularly if you air your worries.

6. GP's have a wide but shallow pool of knowledge. If you are not happy with the care you receive or your diagnosis, don't just go home and keep coming back week in, week out whilst bitching about it to your mates, colleagues and the internet. GO AND SEE A DIFFERENT ONE, it's OK to seek a second opinion. See also points 1 and 5.

7. Unless you have a chronic(ie you've had it for years) condition, you almost certainly DO NOT know more than your doctor/nurse/physio/pharmacist. Details however, are always helpful. See also point 1.

8. Pretty much every procedure you undergo will be painful, uncomfortable, undignified or any combination of these things. Air your worries BEFORE the gloves are being put on or MTFU.

9. When you have a nurse/doctor at your bedside ensure that all you need to do/want is done whilst they're there. It may be some time before they are able to get back to you and trust me, EVERYONE hates someone who is constantly on the buzzer. If you have questions for them jot them down so you don't forget.

10. Hospital care has changed a lot in recent times. The emphasis now is one keeping people at home if possible. This means that if you are admitted it is generally Serious Business. Everyone else around you is also likely to be pretty ill. If you have to stay in another night, them's the breaks. See also: point 1.

11. If you know you're coming into hospital bring earplugs, books, an MP3 player, etc. Hospitals are noisy places with lots of exciting things happening but YOU will get very very bored. Also, distraction is an excellent and effective treatment for pain in the right circumstances. And a notepad.

12. Private hospitals are staffed by the same doctors and nurses as work in the NHS hospitals, only they're there on their days off and are knackered. The staffing is generally to the legal minimum. Granted the food is better and you may get a lovely(bug harbouring) carpet in your room.

13. Bring food in. Hospital food is better than it was but it's still not great. When you're trying to feed several hundred ill people, many of whom have complicated dietary needs, it's tricky to do well on a budget of £2/person a day..

14..but don't overload your bedspace with stuff. Clutter breeds bugs and accidents.

15. Don't be fucking stupid. Seriously. That hilarious stunt involving petrol, chainsaws, aerosol cans and a lighter that you're filming for youtube? Don't be fucking stupid.

16. Unless you're an old lady and it's one of the many gay men employed by the NHS on the receiving end(don't ask me why, they're the only ones who are allowed to get away with it), don't flirt with the staff. You are not at all sexy in your present condition and frankly are coming across as a bit creepy/desperate/needy(delete as applicable).

17. DO NOT FIDDLE with lines, drips, cathers, wounds, dressings, etc. You WILL come off second best. See also points 8 and 15.

18. LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ARE ADVISED. In the words of your mum would you take me up the shitter now, we're not saying this for the good of our health, it's for YOURS. See also points 1, 2, 6, 7 and 10.

19. Don't try and cheer the porters up. It won't work.

20. Really, don't be a cunt, I don't swear at you when you sneeringly ask me 'have you switched it off and on again?'. Not to your face anyway.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 10:42, 21 replies)

this should probably win
so more people get to read it and hopefully take it in.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 10:54, closed)

It should win because it's ME.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 10:56, closed)

Myalgic encephalomyelitis?

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:07, closed)

do I get points
for not having to look that up?
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sun 14 Mar 2010, 3:39, closed)

Good post...
and deserves to win entirely on its' own merits.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 16 Mar 2010, 8:20, closed)

This
should be on a poster at the entrance to every A&E in the country.
(minsh, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 10:57, closed)

18. Be righteous and worthy, as it puts you in a great position to point out the faults of others.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:08, closed)

Wait...
Where are the lies? Fuck sake Badger this is QOTW. You could have put SOME fucking effort in.

Also: Clicked like a bitch.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:08, closed)

20. See that REALLY posh fit doctor with the MASSIVE tits?
I totally fucked her.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:09, closed)

While the 2 student nurses who were also models copped off with each other in the corner before having a lesbian spank inferno with PoshDoc.
Then you went home in the retrofitted Honda Accord Ambulance.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:13, closed)

The sirens don't go 'NEE NAR NEE NAR' they go 'I'VE GOT ASPERGER'S IT'S JUST NOT BEEN DIAGNOSED'

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:14, closed)

"My other car is a padded van".

( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:19, closed)

This never happened you fucking liar
driving around in your Hospital Accord.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:24, closed)

H.c.c.c. - spt!

( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:29, closed)

*HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK

sper.............sper sper sper sper*

Don't try and spit on me you flipping hoover, I'm DG. THE DG. I'm like a God in these parts.

*sper*
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:32, closed)

Needs more massive drugs and lies

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:28, closed)

21. I JUST DID THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF THE CD CUPBOARD.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:37, closed)

can I have your jewel cases then?
I bet you're smacked off your tits on Céline Dion right now.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:39, closed)

I tell you what, this Goombay Dance Band is proper buzzy.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:46, closed)

Stop
not being a cunt and get back to what we expect of you. Hint. Sensible advice is not it.

But seriously. My missus is a surgeon and will agree 100% with your post. And add some of her own.

One of the joys of her job is getting reported, roughly once every six months, to the Medical Practitioners Board. The latest was a patient who had proper-fucked their elbow in an accident and was told that they *must* get an operation in the next few days or they'd lose most of the mobility in the limb and would be suffer chronic pain until they died.

Patient legged it saying "This is all so sudden. How can I be expected to make a decision of this magnitude with no warning?"

They came back a month later and were told that their proper-fucked elbow was now totally-fucked and there was nothing that could be done. So they reported the missus.

After months of deliberation missus was found not guilty exonerated.

But this happens all the time. Some fuckwit injures themselves. They're given the full range of options of the risks vs benefits regarding their injury and decide not to be operated on. Then, when things turn to shit, they blame the surgeon for not being forcible enough!

The only reason that surgeons (at least here in Oz) continue to work in the public system is that, thank fuck, the vast majority of the good patients outweigh the bad.

cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:29, closed)

21. I wish Sexface was dead

( Druid, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 13:23, closed)

YES!

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 13:40, closed)

All excellent points.

Especially number 4. I get annoyed with people who kick off in the waiting room because someone who arrived after them gets seen before they do.
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Fri 12 Mar 2010, 13:24, closed)

Good points - well made
click
(justin(e), Fri 12 Mar 2010, 13:31, closed)

Point 4.
The one time I attended A&E with chest pains I was hooked up to an EKG almost immediately. Once the doctor determined that, whatever was causing the pain, it wasn't my heart or respiratory system, I was hoofed back to A&E reception to wait for a break in the flow.

I didn't see anything wrong with that, at all. I wasn't in imminent danger of death, I'd brought a book with me, and the good doctor would get round to seeing me all in good time, after she'd dealt with the more urgent stuff. It all seemed perfectly sensible to me, and why people complain about that aspect of A&E mystifies me.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 13:35, closed)

A decent post from Badger? Fuck me, the world's ending.
If only these were official rules...

Great post *click*
(TheUnthinkingMinority needs some new music to listen to., Fri 12 Mar 2010, 18:10, closed)

you win
i am speechless at the awesomeness. i shall be forwarding this on.
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Sat 13 Mar 2010, 6:42, closed)

Point 19
Is the only one I care about.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sun 14 Mar 2010, 3:36, closed)

Im a nurse
and agree 100% with this.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 14 Mar 2010, 17:41, closed)

Yay, for saying it like it is.
I truly liked your simple message, "Don't be a cunt!". Why has this never been put on a poster and put up in every waiting room in every hospital?

I have been through many A+E and other hospitals and all too often I see some wanker giving it beans because they got pissed and hurt them selves. Given that hospitals have posters up telling us not to be aggressive, I think a simple "Don't be a Cunt!" wins the lot.

Clicky too, but then I try really hard not to be a cunt. Although I may have sworn when that brilliant Physio put my shoulder right with a well placed thumb.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sun 14 Mar 2010, 19:11, closed)

:)
Perhaps in addition:

21. Threatening to leave (by which you are offering to make everyones' lives less busy by not being present) is not a viable negotiating strategy. Instead, you will get the explanation as to why this is not A Good Idea(TM), then have a Self Discharge form given to you saying in effect 'yes, I am willing to take my chances without an intervention which may save my life'.
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 1:47, closed)

21. The Important One
Remember who pays your fucking wages and stop treating us like mentally subnormal children, Stop making excuses for incompetent staff, poor treatment, filthy wards, crap food. Oh, and stop killing 20,000 of us every year through negligence, thanks.
(ubergeekian, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 22:17, closed)