You know you're getting old
when you're too slow to post your reply to the latest question of the week
(born sleepy, Fri 5 Nov 2004, 15:44, Reply)

the wife and i still have the condom...
... we were too horny to use last december. the wee nipper will be 2 months tomorrow.

good thing to use when he misbehaves later..."if only..."
( bierbelly, Thu 4 Nov 2004, 22:32, Reply)

robot cock
my mate owns the infamous fully operational hydraulic penis used by the beastie boys on their tour of the uk back when they were really controversial, in 1988 or something.
its about 16 foot long and he bought it from adam yauch for 1 quid ages ago. sadly, he still can't afford to ship it over from america, so it resides in adam yauch's lock-up somewhere.

i, on the other hand, am the owner of an infamously small, semi-operational tiny penis, which i keep in my pants.
(pb4ugo2bed, Thu 4 Nov 2004, 11:00, Reply)

Beat this....
I managed to 'acquire' the brake cable from Dodi and Princess Di's limo. Apparently the car got wrecked shortly afterwards, so lucky I got it when I did......
(Desolation Angel, Thu 4 Nov 2004, 15:01, Reply)

I found out what it was in the morning.....
I woke up, STILL drunk in the early hours of the afternoon, and found thatI was cuddling a small and strange electrical device. It rather looked like a spinning top, but kinda transparent, and with a set of connectors on the bottom.

I still have it.

My housemates and I used to toddle around Huddersfield on the way back from our favourite pub, and "nominate" beer trophies for each other (which we had to aquire on teh way home). So accustomd to this habit we were, that we used to carry little adjustable spanners with us.

I have fond memories of watching one of us tackle a traffic bollard repeatedly trying to detatch it from the ground.... unaware that a paddy-waggon was watching him. Hilarious.

Anyway....

One of the Gusset-Sniffing Crotch-Monkeys had taken advantage of my beer-fuelled Bravado, and said I had to get a light-sensor from the top of a street lamp... And I'd done it.

I didn't remember getting the sod, so asked them o show me where I got it.. daylight, no lights on, and they pointed out one in particular... come night time, it was the only light that was unlit. Do you KNOW how high those bastards ARE??? Jeeez... I'd have been squished good and propper if I'd have fallen off.. there's a 2 meter horizontal bit at the top that I must have climbed along. and it's a fekking MILE away from the ground.

Irresponsible Cnuts.

No apologies for length at all.... I could have DIED so you're gonna bloody Listen to me rant about it.
Still got the winning trophy didn't I !!

hmm.... rather long innit?
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 4 Nov 2004, 20:50, Reply)

In a tiny plastic coffin...
I have a lock of hair from Grotbags wig.
(I am the Nuns, Thu 4 Nov 2004, 9:01, Reply)

Freaking out my mother
I have a ticket for a trip up the World Trade Center dated 9:04 PM September 10th 2001. This after an email to my mum that morning saying: 'We're going up the world trade center either this evening or early tomorrow morning'. Needless to say i got drunk and didn't email to let her know we'd already been up.....
(kitteny_goodness, Thu 4 Nov 2004, 15:44, Reply)

little ben
A friend of mine, errr John, half-inched Big Ben from Fred's weather map in Liverpool's Albert Dock and installed it in his front room.

During a later (unrelated) home visit from the local constabulary, one of the officers chuckled at it remarking it looked like something you might find on Fred's weather map.

Unless of course thieves had taken it first.

Light-hearted relief from the serious business of being arrested for drug-trafficking....
(chives, Thu 4 Nov 2004, 13:27, Reply)

I rifle through graves
looking for parts to build and reanimate a human being, so I have Thora Hird's spleen.
( dotmund .co.uk, Thu 4 Nov 2004, 11:45, Reply)

Obscure memorarararabilia
- A human hip bone found outside of a convicted serial Killer's House. This guy was bringing hookers home, killing them, performing acts of necrophilia and then he would just toss the bodies on the floor of the house. He did this for years and years, until he got caught. About a year or two later, I was jogging in the area and looked down to see a strange white rock rolling along with me, being pushed by a strong November Wind. I pocketed it, forgot about it. Then I did . . .ummm...I mean, DATED a geologist and I was showing him my rock collection. He took the rock to his lab for study. The result? A human female hipbone. Found in front of a serial killer's house. I had a pagan friend of mine bless it and say a prayer over it before I put it back into my rock collection. Do I need professional help, do ya think?
(Igneous, Fri 5 Nov 2004, 13:57, Reply)

Video games of the stars...
This is a sad admission...

Keith Chegwin is a family friend, who came to me for advice on what video game console to buy to play flight sims. This being the early 90s, I advised him to buy a Sega Megadrive.

Anyway, when he got bored of it, I bought it off him. So I own Cheggers old Megadrive!

Have some of that!
(SirPsycho, Fri 5 Nov 2004, 10:42, Reply)

Hmmm.. A few things spring to mind..
For example, my extensive collection of celebrity nipple hair. I tie them end to end, and use them to floss my butt cheeks. I've got about a metre and a half of peter andre's alone. Don't ask how I got it.

two space hoppers up my top and a night of agony in a putney nightclub
(PsychoApeMan Riding a white pig to the edge of Lapland, Thu 4 Nov 2004, 19:15, Reply)

Rawk!
I have an [insert boring pub-related item] I nicked from the [musical instrument] player from [obscure punk/grunge band] when they played a gig in the [pub name] in [middle england suburb].

The person [died/faded into obscurity] about [some random period of time] ago.
(alfwine buggerbridge, Wed 10 Nov 2004, 1:19, Reply)

I saw Ted Hughes (famous author & Sylvia Plath's husband)
doing a book signing of "The Iron Man" at a children's book fair when I was about 11. I went up to him and the following conversation took place:

Me: (presenting Ted with the book) Would you sign my book please?
Ted: No.
Me: Why not?
Ted: It's "Where's Wally".

It was then that I realised he was only signing copies of his book, not just any book. Bastard. So I have a copy of Where's Wally almost signed by someone who didn't write it.
( krang, Sun 7 Nov 2004, 11:31, Reply)

i
have some aids that i got from freddie mercury before he died
( NAWS Whats all this then, Sat 6 Nov 2004, 21:58, Reply)

Kevin Keegan
In around 1996ish I was on a train coming home from London KX to Darlington, listening to something on my Walkman. The ticket inspector came round, and as he clipped my ticket, he asked if the walkman had a radio. I said it did, and he told me that Kevin Keegan was in 1st class, and wondered if anyone had a radio so he could hear some footie result (it was England v Italy I think). I was all, yeah, right... until I humoured him and walked back up to 1st class.. There was Kevin Keegan, my childhood hero, sitting with Gary Speed (whoever). My GOD! I remember saying "i have a radio would you like to borrow my radio" like a gibbering nutter, and he was really nice and polite, a lovely bloke. Anyhoo, the headphones were the in-ear type, and when I went back to get my walkman, and after he'd signed a seat ticket thingy for me, and after I realised what a short-arse he is, I also realised that I had some of his earwax stuck to my headphones.

Yes. I own some of Kevin Keegan's earwax.
(dominocat opinions only valid until, Sat 6 Nov 2004, 11:20, Reply)

Adamski's stilts.
Adamski used to live down my road. When he moved out, his parents had a garage sale, and I bought adamski's home made stilts for 10p.
(subplop, Fri 5 Nov 2004, 11:32, Reply)

Erm...
I have a piece of the suicide bomb that blew up the HSBC building in Istanbul on Nov 20, 2003. I found it after I had spent two days clearing all the glass up from my semi-destroyed dwelling in which my family came very close to death. It's a sharp and nasty piece of aluminium cooking pot the ammonium nitrate bombs were stored in and is digustingly deformed by the heat blast. I found it on my balcony as I live a stone's throw away from the blast site. May also have passed through someone, possibly the woman in the car whom I saw with half a head or the decapitated dead innocent civilian I passed while running frantically home from work.

Not really a collection but kept to remimd me of the fcuked upness of US foreign policy.

What with Bush being re-elected you never know I may be able to add to my collection. Twunt yanks.

/edit.. on a lighter note I have Bob the Fat Bastard's zippo lighter, Roadie (with a stomach like an arse) for the Macc Lads... if anyone remembers them. He dropped it and I half inched it at their concert in Buckley many moons ago...
(smell the cheese, Thu 4 Nov 2004, 11:37, Reply)

A small dead child...
...before i got to him, he was quite the family favourite. I used to watch him get home from school. He'd walk home along the windy towpath, and i would casually stroll along behind him,fumbling with myself in my jacket pockets. He'd arrive home, and tell his parents about his day. Through the window i could see the glee on their faces as he announced another aced exam, or showed them another good report. Some days hed walk home with friends. I'd go home desolate those cold evenings, and have to console myself hiding in the bushes outside his bedroom window.

Eventually, when i felt this relationship was starting to fall apart (he'd changed his route home), I jumped and threw a black bin liner over his head, hoisted it over my shoulder and took him to the quarry. It only took a few minutes, but now hes always there for me, just beyond the click of the basement lock.
(lifelikeandposeable, Wed 10 Nov 2004, 17:31, Reply)

I have a little black dress...
...with Bill Clinton's spunk on it.
(Monica Lewinski, Tue 9 Nov 2004, 14:20, Reply)

It has to be a toss up
in the crap memorabilia between two particularly shite things.
Firstly I have a copy of the Pokemon:Mewtwo Strikes Back comic part one which is signed by the voice actors of Ash,Brock and Misty. That's pretty lame I know.
Secondly I have a tic tac that was spat out of Rik Mayall's mouth during a Bottom live show (lost teeth=tic tacs) It's on the side somewhere. That's much better because partially salivated on mints rule,especially tic tacs. That and I can get the DNA from it and make a new Rik Mayall. Plus if I ever accidentally eat it it'll be ok,cause it's only 2 calories.
(sadsack, Sat 6 Nov 2004, 8:57, Reply)

Tommy Cooper
I used to work with a guy who was studying part-time to be a mortician.

He had a beautifully mounted lock of Tommy Cooper's hair - culled from his cold, dead body by my morbid co-worker during the autopsy as a memento of the great man..

*shudders*
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Fri 5 Nov 2004, 15:15, Reply)

The lovely Kylie...
Unimpressed as I am with fame, I nevertheless purchased, off a bloke in a pub, a turd that came from the anus of the delightful Kylie Minogue. You can tell it's genuine because it has rainbow glitter on it.

I will never brush my teeth again.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 5 Nov 2004, 3:26, Reply)

Got a few I can think of
I have a signed postcard from Ewan Macintyre (or however its spelled), the large fellow that plays Keith in The Office, as he came to our students union a few weeks back. By the time it came for me to meet him I was absolutely hammered and called him "Fatty fatty toad boy" in the style of David Brent (or more probably the style of Rab C Nesbitt the amount I'd had to drink), and he signed my postcard and said "There ya go, now fuck off.", which I found quite funny.

I have a little scrap of paper signed by all of The Offspring from when I met them at Reading Festival this year, and when I was taking a picture of a few of my mates with them I looked at the girl stood next to me and said "God, they've not aged well have they?" - turned out to be their PR girl!

Also best drunken steal has to be the set of temporary traffic lights sat in my bedroom back home, had to make two trips to steal the bastards, one for the light bit and the other for the stand, but luckily it was only about 150m from my house. My mother demanded I got rid of them before I came to Uni, but I didn't and when I went home a few weeks later they were still there, I asked her why she hadn't got rid of them, she said because they were too heavy and she was afraid of being caught carring some traffic lights around in the middle of the night, especially as shes the treasurer for our local church!
(Jon Norris, Thu 4 Nov 2004, 21:19, Reply)

i've got some spare Drogna
that were made for The Adventure Game, but were never used on screen.
( brianftang www.brianftang.co.uk, Thu 4 Nov 2004, 15:28, Reply)

I'm from Glasgow and...
I've got Billy Connolly's sense of humour circa 1980.

"BUM!"

"JOBBIE!!"

"WILLY!!!"

See? Told you.
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Wed 10 Nov 2004, 9:37, Reply)

I still have
some vestiges of sanity, but you have to look damn hard to find them.
(G W Bush, The White House, Tue 9 Nov 2004, 20:15, Reply)

I have Christopher Reeves
puncture repair kit
( munkt0n, Sat 6 Nov 2004, 11:27, Reply)

Wet Wet Wet Lager
Little bro used to do their press. The Wet's management comissioned serveral thousand cans of 'Wet Beer' to be sold through Tescos. At the last minute it was decided that, as the average fan was (at that time) too young to drink, the whole lot should be dumped. My xmas pressie that year was a can of the dreadful grog. Pictures:





Went out of date April 98 - I have held onto it for far too long. I have a Xmas card from Ozzie somewhere too. Oh and another one from Let Loose. Hmmm.
(darfbozo, Sat 6 Nov 2004, 1:31, Reply)

Rather sad actually...
I used to be able to brag that

"This is the hand that shook the hand of Gary Glitter"

after he played at Hull town hall when I was in college. It was all cold and clammy (Gazza's hand that is).

I shudder to think where it went before it got to me...

I don't talk about it much nowadays.
(Marked Man, Fri 5 Nov 2004, 19:40, Reply)