Spandex leopard-skin all-in-one, wig, 6 inch heels, cricket box, no pants.
40th Birthday. Midlife crisis. Meh.


(darfbozo, Sat 4 May 2013, 22:00, 11 replies)

nope
I feel that it's that bit in the middle between about 18 and 50, that bit when you're still working your arse off as a subordinate in a godawful job, driving frumpy affordable cars, stuck in boring relationships and watching in horror as your fun friends fall off the radar, having started to breed like bonobos - that's the crisis.

After the menopause, when you finally have time for hard drinking, gardening, sports cars and spending money on yourself, that's the good bit. I can't wait.
(dancebiscuits, Sat 4 May 2013, 21:45, Reply)

All I have to do is look out of the window...
It's coming up to the annual organ donor fest otherwise known as the Isle of Man TT. This means that for 2 whole weeks I'll be no more than 20 feet away from someone who got to 40 and bought a motor bike that's probably too powerful for Guy Martin let alone a management accountant from Guildford. I'm in my 40s now and have never had the desire to do that. Saying that, the EP I recorded with my band (I'm the only member over 25) comes out at the end of June and I'm looking forward to hopefully going to and playing at my first festivals this summer!
(The Inevitable Pelican, Sat 4 May 2013, 18:08, 2 replies)

I celebrated turning 40 with a massive party, had 3 bands playing, 80+ people turned up.
It's 6 years later tomorrow. In that time I've lost my house, every relationship has fucked up, I tried having birthday drinks tonight and got no takers.

Life begins at 40 ? does it arse; it fucking ends.
(TheImmortalJenkins, Sat 4 May 2013, 14:53, 21 replies)

I hit middle age, realised what a fucking tragedy my family was, and walked out on them, never to return.
Yours,

Emvee's dad
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 4 May 2013, 9:24, 6 replies)

HAPPY STAR WARS DAY!

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 4 May 2013, 8:38, 17 replies)

Sometimes the midlife crisis has YOU.
Long ago I made my living as a draftsman, working for various surveying and civil engineering firms. It was not too bad overall, but after about 12 years of it I was getting pretty bored with drawing shit other people designed. Besides, the pay sucked.

Then my mom came into a sizable inheritance. She made me an offer: if she made up for the loss of income, would I want to go back to university? I was 37, as high up in my job as I could go and miserable. Hell yes I wanted to go! So I selected a nearby university with an engineering school and enrolled.

My wife was furious that I should make such a decision without consulting her. I was stunned. What was there to discuss? There were absolutely no down sides to this. What was she bitching about?

That was just the beginning. Within six months she was raging constantly every time I left the house to go do homework at the library, raging every time the kids misbehaved and I was in class and unable to be reached, raging over the fact that I had to buy textbooks, and generally raging. About a year later I moved out. By 2002 the divorce was finalized.

At the age of forty I was starting over from scratch, no house, no furniture, no established home, no partner in my life.

But then I began expanding my social circles and meeting women about my own age and started dating again. Over the better part of a decade I had quite a number of girlfriends, some of them more serious relationships than others. I bought a house, reclaimed some of my furniture from the ex, and dug in. I was working as an engineer, making a decent wage and doing pretty well for myself.

Finally I met the one I married, who's just about as cracked as I am and also makes a pretty decent wage. Now I live in one of the Gulf Cooperation Council countries, have friends from all over the globe as well as some locals, get invited to go out on the desert for sunset barbecues and get to travel to other Middle Eastern countries for long weekends if we so desire.

So some get the mid-life crisis that results in them tearing apart their lives so badly that they have to re-build, but some of us had life do it for us instead.

Not that this way was easy or pleasant to deal with, mind you...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 4 May 2013, 5:53, 46 replies)

I bought a leather jacket, started listening to Kasabian and bought a Thai bride!
Turned out she has a cock, but that's alright, I'm pretty open-minded.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 3 May 2013, 23:31, 5 replies)

That song by Faith No More

(McChinaman banned, Fri 3 May 2013, 21:58, 1 reply)

shed!
I have a therapist. Its all a bit un-British and probably un-manly, but I have a therapist. I've had an awful lot of very unfunny stuff in the last 3 years and theres no need to tell the whole world why I've got a therapist. It will suffice to say that I have at least 35years of cognitive distortions to unpack and the Boy Scout movement has a great deal to answer for... However.... During our last session we finally got to the place where I could get a couple of points where I could take action. The first of these was that I need to get a "shed" ! Mid-life stuff and sheds really do belong together.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Fri 3 May 2013, 21:58, 3 replies)

I can
barely cope with a mid-day crisis let alone a mid-life one.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Fri 3 May 2013, 20:56, Reply)

an affair
ive hit 40 and started an affair with a girl from the gym. not very amusing reading for you lot, but ive nver been happier. havent told the wife yet.
( nikdude, Fri 3 May 2013, 20:01, 11 replies)

when i was younger
loads of my mates had nice sheds but i couldn't afford one so i had to do without.

last week while browsing online i came (almost literally) across my dream shed from when i was in my late teens.

she was a bit rough round the edges but that is to be expected for her age and her previous owner had not been treating her right but she was all original.

my project for the summer is to restore her to her former glory so i can take her to all the classic shed shows and relive those by gone days of shedding.
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Fri 3 May 2013, 19:03, Reply)

Mid Life Crisis
I bought a new Shed.
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Fri 3 May 2013, 18:18, 2 replies)

Crisis? What crisis?
Things I have noticed now that I've passed 40...

I have tinnitus.
I make groaning noises when I get up from a seat, or out of my bed, or out of a car after short journeys as well as long, and it takes me a couple of minutes to walk without a limp.
My dad turned 70, and for the first time I thought "Blimey, he's proper old now".
I feel comfortable wearing a suit jacket with jeans.
I can't go to a trendy hair stylist in Soho any more.
I'll still go to a cocktail bar when the pubs shut, but I won't go to a nightclub and dance.
I don't want to make any more new friends - I have enough now.
My married-with-kids friends use me to escape their humdrum lives by always finding excuses for me not to visit them in their family situation, and the blokes have to build up brownie points to come out on the lash and always want to stay over.
I sometimes avoid bustling trendy bars because they're too busy or noisy or it'll take too long to get a drink, so instead I go to dingy boozers full of old men where I know I can get a seat.
People in their early twenties look really young. I mean really, really young - like they're young teenagers. I also refer to them as "kids".
I don't have FOMO (fear of missing out) any more - I don't look with envy at people queuing up outside nightclubs, or drunkenly trying to pull each other in bars. I say things like "It's their time now..." to myself in my head.

And, do you remember in almost every decent nightspot there's an old geezer leaning up against the bar who looks like he doesn't belong and that he's only there to perve at the young girls? I've come to realise that's now me...

...but even with all of that, I don't feel as old as I thought I would. I still act as though I'm still in my late-twenties/early-thirties.
(donkiddick, Fri 3 May 2013, 17:08, 2 replies)

What mid life crisis
I hit 50 last year and my life has continued as before.

Admittedly since hitting 50 I have got divorced, bought myself a big noisy motorbike, moved into a bachelor pad, got a great girlfriend and am having lots and lots of messy, noisy sex.

Oh hang on. Now I understand what a midlife crisis is!
(Al987, Fri 3 May 2013, 16:32, 2 replies)

I played Zip Zap Rap.
It was devastatin'.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 3 May 2013, 14:59, 3 replies)

I had a flapjack.
Nyom.
( Muns, Fri 3 May 2013, 14:32, 2 replies)

I had a talc fap.
It chafed a bit.
(SonofRojBlake, Fri 3 May 2013, 14:31, Reply)

I dont think it actually is a mid life crisis
I think its just the last burst of childishness before you actually become 'old' and a grown up. Just takes men that long to get there. One last hurrah if you will.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 3 May 2013, 14:18, 2 replies)

I got the taff clap.
Turns out Charlotte Church is riddled with it.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 3 May 2013, 13:59, Reply)

*something about pac-man or something you fucking work it out*

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 3 May 2013, 13:42, 1 reply)

I bought a pat flac.
It's what the greendale postie wears when he's going into a warzone.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 3 May 2013, 13:37, Reply)

I bought a cat flap.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 3 May 2013, 13:27, Reply)

I bought a flat cap.

(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 3 May 2013, 13:25, Reply)

Set-up
Summary of the plot of lord of the rings, carefully disguised to make it sound like something else.

Punchline: Middle Earth Crisis.

Admit here that you can't really be bothered trying too hard.
( Muns, Fri 3 May 2013, 13:04, Reply)

i'm 38
and i act as much of a twat now as i did when i was 18.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 3 May 2013, 12:48, 12 replies)

I was chatting to Yoda the other day (STAR WARS, lol!), and he gave me some advice:
He said that if telling a tall tale and you think you might be found out, you should immediately distract the audience by having sex with some bread.

He pointed to the loaf he used in such situations, and told me

"Mid-lie fuck-ryes, is."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 3 May 2013, 12:43, 2 replies)

ouch
I was working in my lab the other day when one of the more attractive members of the department approached me. She's american and all curves and cleavage "tell me sittingduck me and (another unattainable sexbomb) were chatting about you the other day"
oh yes? threesome here we come?! said my mind
She went on..."and we decided that with your spiked hair and old band T-shirts you haven't changed how you dress since you went to University, are we right?"


ouch :(
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 3 May 2013, 11:10, 27 replies)