i once called a mate named Bert...

.. his mom answered

BM: "Hello?"

Me: "Hi this is Bert, can I speak with Bierbelly, pl... no, hang on, THIS is Bierbelly, can I speak with B..."

too late. it took her 3 minutes until she was able to call him over.

/ not really a misunderstanding, i just realise.
( bierbelly, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 14:05, Reply)

I was squrging down the higgle

and would have liked it with plong but if you don't have any then just wrap it up.
.
(roysin, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 13:13, Reply)

Kithkill...
I had the same thoughts with that advert too. In fact, it took me bloody ages to figure out it was actually sea minerals and not something else entirely.

I was thinking 'Why the fuck would you put THAT in your hair?'
(sporky, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 11:38, Reply)

Misunderstanding instructions
Many years ago at Uni went to visit a friend at his house. First time I had met his wife who had a reputation of being a dragon. I was standing, waitng nervously for him with her in the living room when suddenly she yelled "Sit down." I nearly dropped on to the sofa, at which point she started pissing herself laughing. Turns out she was shouting at their- hitherto unseen- pet dog. She was still a very scary person though! Not recent but it sticks in the mind.

More recently I was on holiday in Canada where I had to learn to stop referring to cigarette ends as fag butts, but I guess that's a pretty common one.
( Lord Gnome, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 11:05, Reply)

Misundestanding of identity
I originally posted this on what the qotw should be - but I may as well put it here since it's valid:

I used to work at the Odeon Cinema in Chester whilst a student. For those not familiar with 'The Walled City' it a fairly tall building with a tower over-looking the town hall and cathedral.

Near the top of this tower section is one of the two projection rooms and has a door leading off to the roof where many a projectionist has a quick cigarrette whilst admiring the view.

One day the projectionist on duty did just that, but it was'nt any ordinary day - it was the day that the daughter of the Duke of Westminster, Lady Tamara Grosvenor married Prince Charles' godson at Chester Cathedral in November 2004. So whilst having a quick fag, he though he'd see if he could spot the Queen and Prince Philip (who attended) as the procession came out.

Unfortunately for him, several armed police thought he was a sniper.

They stormed the cinema, and ran up the stairs leading to the roof, past the managers office, who then joined in the chase - mainly to figure out what the hell was going on. The member of staff who let them in, leading the way shouting "come on, let's get him, you slow bastards!"(thinking the whole thing was hilarious)

When they all reached the top - at gunpoint they demanded that the projectionist tell them what the hell he was doing on the roof (they did'nt believe his story of having a fag) When the manager arrived on the scene, the police asked him to verify that the projectionist worked for him. He said "No, i've never seen him before in my life" The look of sheer panick on the projectionist was a picture. Just as they are about to hand cuff the poor bloke, the manager says (now almost in hysterics) - "No, I have to come clean, he does work here"

Apparently the Police took A LOT of convincing before they would let him go.

I called him Lee Harvey Oswald for weeks after that
(Snootchies, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 10:55, Reply)

Clip Clop Music
A year or so ago I was telling my mates how I had seen this late-night TV adevrt for Christianity, and how it had these 4 lads doing a rap song about God, etc.

"Christian rap, whatever next, eh?" I said.

They heard "equestrian rap" and were pretty amazed...

After we cleard up the misunderstanding we spend hours thinking up daft equestrian rap song titles. There are LOADS.
( Strangey is present at, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 10:49, Reply)

Two Philosophy Related Ones
In our first year at Uni, there were 2 great misunderstood essays written.

For those of you that remember there was an 80s "yoof" show featuring a bloke called Normski. Truly cringey and awful. Anyway, one girl in my class wrote her essay about linguistics and behaviour.

Unfortunately instead of writing about the work of Noam Chomsky, she wrote about "Normski" instead...

Another essay was about CAUSAL relationships i.e cause and effect. Not *casual* relationships. She managed 2500 words on that one. Top effort!
( Strangey is present at, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 10:28, Reply)

EH?!?
So i was playing 5 a side with my mates, and after letting an abismally easy save in, as i was in goal, my team mate shouts profanities at me, "what?" i reply, "jamchip shop", as i thought he had said, thats a weird one, said team mates gets his gob within an inch of my ear "NO, YOU CHAMPIONSHIP PIG FUCKER!!" I am still searching for that jamship shop, imagine that mmm jammy chips!?!

Another time

Question from mum = So are you going out tonight with them from uni or are you stopping in to help your dad with the computer

My reply = Three O clock! and i can't even explain that one.
(rueatingjam, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 10:07, Reply)

hardware
I was in a hardware shop in the late 70s/early 80s, and wanted to buy some fork handles. What followed was a hilarious sequence of misunderstandings.
(duluoz, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 9:50, Reply)

And the word was...
I was talking to a friend the other day, having a discussion about religion. She said "I never realised how much the Catholics and Anglicans dislike each other. I was talking to a lovely girl I know the other day, who is an Anglican, and she said the most terrible thing about Catholics!"

I knew the other girl in question who was indeed an Anglican, and a very well-behaved god-fearing one at that. I couldn't imagine her saying anything unpleasant - "So what did she say?"

"Well I asked her what the big differences were between Anglicanism and Catholicism, and she said they were mostly the same, but the Catholics had more sex with their own family!"

I paused a moment. "The word was INCENSE..."
(tomisaac, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 9:42, Reply)

Church.
My cousin, bless his soul etc. has only been to church once and for good reason. Being uninitiated into the parish fold, he misunderstood proceedings somewhat.

As the collection plate came round to him he noticed several envelopes sat on top. Unbeknownst to him, the regulars had prepared their offerings in advance, and sealed them in envelopes so that nose twitchers wouldn't see how much they were giving.

Having been paying utmost attention to proceedings at the altar, rather than focusing on the plate, my cousin missed the point somewhat and took an envelope before passing it on to his neighbour.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 9:11, Reply)

Who Wears Dins
We spent about 10 years trying to remember an actor my granny had talked about called Colin Lewis.

Turns out she meant Lewis Collins.
(><(((">, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 9:02, Reply)

Dear old Gran.
The Grandma... Often a little misunderstood in her own mind. Once wrote a shopping list for some Nice and Disgusting biscuits.

Laugh? I shat.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 7:51, Reply)

When offering a freind a lollie pop. . .
"no thanks I prefer to suck my own"
(rattus, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 7:06, Reply)

I work in a shop in a small town and often get asked for directions...
A lady comes in and asks where the 'cycling' is.
I didn't quite catch what she said and ask her, 'you mean like a bike shop?"
Turns out she actually asked where the recycling was. I felt so stupid.
(ThoughtsInsideADream, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 6:55, Reply)

Ho hum
A lot of people seem to be misunderstanding the point of these questions: that is, to be answered, without declaring allegiances to who the fuck ever. Everyone is allowed an opinion, just keep it for elsewhere please.

Irony is not lost.
(Lannes, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 6:45, Reply)

In reply to kithkill...
That's happened to me before too. I'll be listening to some ad or talk show and they'll say something that I'll take completely out of context all of a sudden, making me choke in silent laughter. It most often happens with ads though...
(satellite blows, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 5:45, Reply)

yeast!
Many years ago when I was 17 (Okay, last year) some friends and I took a trip to Newcastle as the university was having an open day. Obviously, we didn't step foot in the Uni and hit the local pubs. After necking pints for a couple of hours we decide that some KFC is required. Then the lass at the counter says (extremely strong Geordie accent) "Would you like ice in your drinks?"

Sounded more like she said "Wud yi lyk ees in ye drinks?"

To which my mate James looks up in his strong yorkshire accent and says "What the fuck would I want yeast in my coke for?"

Silence......
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 2:54, Reply)

brilliant sesquipedeviant

autistic kids like all the other kids are so correct, politically topically and every way, v funny story . . . .. ps stu . . . . and the world on here, i am not a racist , but the jokes and terms can be funny, no one is exempt, therein lies the humuor and the saviour, it is important to laugh and take the piss out of ones own species is it not ? so go and suck on my big black, white teenage ass, rapin cock ye high brow english swine.


but back to the point of misunderstanding.... i'll think of some i'm sure but for now a little nap seems most pressing . . . . ps had a dirty big joint of top grade grass with an african oirish gent on wednesday night . . . . not a rascist . . . embed in memory . . . . even let the cunt talk to me . . . . .
(The Cats Twat, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 1:39, Reply)

On holiday in Tenerife...
We'd regularly go for a drink late into the night, usually starting on the wife beater's choice. However, after about five or so of these it became difficult for the barman to understand, so instead of getting "a stella", we were being fed Estrella for much of the night, which is a much, much, rougher beer as my friend's mum will tell you after she spent the whole morning cleaning up my sick.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 1:29, Reply)

Red buttons.
I work with a little autistic darling who has a very unusual concept of how the world works.

After a swim at the beach, I showed him to the changerooms, and settled down beside a friendly, traditionally dressed Hindu grandmother to wait.

As my lad came out, I had a sudden 'Oh no' moment. You know the bindi married Hindu women often wear between their eyes? The round, circular one, that looks like a button?...

Oh yes. He raced up to her, stared at it intently, then pressed it. He was rather annoyed when nothing happened.
(sesquipedeviant, Sat 8 Oct 2005, 0:52, Reply)

A minute ago, right here,
I genuinely read lolwhite's post starting "my mum is a hearing therapist" as "my mum is hearing the rapist" . . .
(The Ghost of Stephen Foster, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 21:31, Reply)

School days
A collection of comments delivered by me (16) to schoolmates:
'Well, come on - it's a bit like Allende and Chile. I mean, it's not the first time the USA has tried to undermine democratic process and install a neo-fascist military dictator.'
'If you don't care about politics then you're useless to society and should lose your right to vote!'
'Actually, I'm a christian and I think it's really good to have something to believe in that's different from getting pissed and getting laid for the next twenty years.'

Collected responses:
'Eh?'
'What?'
'Don't be such a wanker.'

I think I may be a wee bit misunderstood.
(The Mysterious ., Fri 7 Oct 2005, 21:17, Reply)

Where's my timesheets?
I work for this gaff that sells and hires forklifts, and I work in the service department. The engineers come down here from jobs to get parts or another job etc.

Anyhoo, we were needing one of the guys timesheets to enter onto the system, otherwise he wouldn't get paid for "X" amount of days that he hasn't handed them in. As it was month end and we had to get as much invoicing and various paperwork through as possible.

The Service Controller comes up with the idea of phoning one of our lads for his timesheets, and to fax them over, so he rings this guy up.

Cue much muffled hilarity / pant wetting from the rest of the staff when the Service Controller had to explain to the engineer "No mate, it's ok. You will get your timesheets back out the other end of the machine. They won't disappear. Just fax them over mate".

Obviously turns out that said engineer was solidly convinced his timesheets would vinish into thin air, never to be seen again after they have been through the fax machine's "gaping jaws".

Misunderstood? or just plain Luddite-ness?
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 20:38, Reply)

Stusut79
The only misunderstanding seems to have been on the part of those who slate stusut79 - he is trying to be ridiculously surreal, as opposed to pretentiously surreal. Lay your prose on with a shovel, stu!
(Beans goes up to eleven, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 20:15, Reply)

Foodstuffs
Now, having an english accent (yes I'm from the south and sound a bit posh) whould seem like an advantage in New York. And it is - frequent offers of naughtiness and the insistence from my co-workers that I should be working for a phone sex line instead of doing science.

However, it is not so useful when it comes to ordering my daily breakfast (not the only instance of things going awry, but the most immediate to my life).

Every day I order a blueberry bagel, toasted, with butter. Every single day and from the same woman. In the last 3 weeks I have variously received:

poppy seed bagels
wholewheat bagels
everything (onion, poppy and sesame seed) bagel with cream cheese - and yes, the man did say 'blueberry?' as he handed it to me

My own personal fave was: a blueberry muffin, microwaved and then covered in butter. It was the rankest thing i've ever tried. And yet 2 days later I stood next to someone who voluntarily ordered it.

Crazy Yanks.
(kitteny_goodness, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 19:28, Reply)

Bah
The best misunderstanding here this week is the saga of the Grand Stusut79.

Basically: more prose! More hilarious longevity!
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 18:52, Reply)

Not me but my Mum
My Mum is a hearing therapist, which basically means she tests people's hearing and fits their hearing aids.

A few years back a patient turned up for his test with a jar of his own piss. "What did you bring that for?" she asked. His answer?

"Oim 'ere fer moi 'urine test"
(lolwhites, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 18:41, Reply)

I got chilli on my cock
Oh wait, I misunderstood the question. I thought you asked for a statement that has been used so many fucking times that a little bit of me dies each and every time I read it.

It's not big, it's not clever, and I think it's obvious that it's not fucking funny

/end rant
(Flabbergaster laughs at danger (and breaks all the rules), Fri 7 Oct 2005, 18:02, Reply)

mythunderstood?
Venue: Centreparks sub tropical swimming paradise communal toilets and changing rooms.
Incident: Sister in law, with 4 year old needing a wee wee, enters a cubicle to discover a large - bear sized- pooh laying across the top of the toilet seat cover. Sister in law exits hastily and enters new cubicle (free of faeces) and 4 yr old empties bladder. Upon exiting the new cubicle Sister inlaw notices another mother and child quickly enter and exit the cubicle containing the faecal atrocity. In a misguided attempt at paternal comraderie Sister in law taps on shoulder and remarks to the newly appalled mother "I did that!" - meaning (of course) that she had just exited the chamber of pooh horror herself. The woman's look of disgust and choice of new names for the sister in law showed that she truly misunderstood that sentiment.
Judgement: It's still about misunderstanding but with the added benefit of being about pooh too.
( Woolworth Smells of festive spices, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 17:58, Reply)