girlfriend meets mum
on the way to meet my mum for the first time my girlfriend was quite worried, i said naaaaaa she is a cool mum and told her loads of stories about her - one being that once she came out of the shower when me and my brother went to visit her and asked us if we had used that "mint source shower jell" we said ummmm yeh and she said i like it it wakes me up in the morning, but it does make my fairy tingley. after my girlfriend heard this story she relaxed and said oh i think i will get on well with her.

when we got to the house we sat down and had a chat etc and there was no conversation at the time so my girlfriend decides to start some and say's Ted was telling me about that time you used that mint shower jell and we all giggled, then she said i liked the part where you said it makes your "Fanny itchy". my girlfriend still cringes to this day and my mum pisses herself when she remembers.

Toodle pips.
(ev1lted ill bring dead hookers, you bring plastic bags, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 11:58, Reply)

"Muvvers"
I remember the day the last of the Kray twins was buried. At the time I was just a work experience kid in a lab and they happened to have the radio on when this was being reported, and I didn't really know much about them.

It was only after I learnt more about the Krays, and the whole East-end Cockney gang culture that I was struck by the sheer idiocy of some of the statements bystanders were coming out with when interviewed. Most notably:
"Oh, I know they did some bad things, but they was good boys really. They was so good to their muvver. They loved their muvver."

I see. So taking good care of your mother is enough to compensate for chaining people up in abandoned warehouses and torturing them with steak knives because you thought they'd snitched on you to Old Bill, or possibly just 'cause you didn't like their face?

Well, assuming that to be true, I love my mother dearly. Pete fucking Doherty had better watch his back...
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Active Sex
Upon finding an unused condom on my desk in my bedroom, my mother asked if I was partaking in “Active Sex”.
I asked what she meant by “Active Sex”. Was inactive sex performed alone?
She retorted “Don’t be so stupid” and stormed off.


It confuses me to this day.
(TheColonel, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 11:33, 8 replies)

Memory loss
Just a teeny observation of my mum now she has just turned 60.

When she wants to address me she goes through the whole family before she gets my name right, sisters, dad and dog included!? I just let her do it, as eventually she does get there by which time I have ususally left the room...

Has anyone elses mum lossed the power of memory in their older age?

Apart from that she is awesome!
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 11:24, 22 replies)

Mum wears the trousers...
My Dad doesn't have DIY skills. Mum however, as the daughter of an old school engineer, does.

To quote my Dad:
"I knew I was in trouble not long after we were married and bought our first house. I came home from work to find her just finishing off where she'd bricked up the kitchen serving hatch, everything seemed normal when I left for work that morning.".


Funny thing is despite being in her early sixties I was glad I had my mum to help me shift furniture when I moved into my house just before Christmas.... I dispatched Dad to the local shop with a shopping list as we didn't want him "offering to help".

Forget your bimbo's, I'm looking for a girlfriend who can do DIY and move a sofa!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 11:15, 2 replies)

My Girlfriends mum
I'd like to take this opportunity to have a rant if I may. Please bear with me.

Deep breath...here goes...

MY GIRLFRIENDS MUM IS A CRAZY BITCH... born and raised by a strict family in South Africa, she pursued a sporting career as a rower. Inevitably, she grew alot of muscle and was quite a 'big girl'. She soon developed anorexia and became quite ill. To this day, this is something she is still PROUD OF!

I firmly believe that if you enter into parenthood, you should be aware of your weaknesses and folies and avoid letting your children make the same mistakes. The tradgedy is, she was so proud of the 'time she was skinny' and has no idea how influential she was to her 3 daughters that each of them have, at some point, suffered with a severe eating disorder. Anorexia, bulimia, bulimarexia, exercise anorexia, their problems read like a comprehensive guide on how not to eat. Even her 12 year old son has an issue with food. She's also been quoted as saying to her children "fat people are vulgar and you shouldnt be friends with them"

What kind of fucked up mothering is that?

Apologies for lack of funnies but FUCK! I HATE that woman!

End.
(Eggstrovert isnt patronising you...honest..., Fri 12 Feb 2010, 10:47, 17 replies)

Lesbi-mum
I was about 7 years old, on holiday in Devon. We took a family trip to a fun fair and somehow my Dad won a prize on a stall. There were giant cuddly toys and model planes and all sorts of goodies and my Dad had just won...a car window sticker...

Now, back in the day, I was short sighted but too ashamed to admit it because I didn't want to wear glasses, so when Dad said I could choose the sticker, I just pointed and said 'that one, second from the left', with no idea what it actually said.

My Dad looked a little surprised, but being a good Dad and not wanting to say no to his adoring son, he got the sticker for me. It was cool, it had bright yellow writing on a black background. I didn't really understand it but I thought it looked great. I couldn't wait to put it in the car. I did so before we'd even left the car park.

And that is why my Mum spent the next seven years driving a pastel blue, metallic Nissan Bluebird that proudly declared her to be a...

...'CB loving beaver spotter'.

I suspect my Dad knew exactly what he was doing...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 10:21, 1 reply)

I cuss your mum

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 9:44, 2 replies)

As the QOTW is about "Mums" as opposed to "My Mum"
Can we either

a) Have a total embargo on "Your Mum" jokes

or

b) Given the level of sophistication and humour for which B3ta is known, here commence a best "Your Mum" jokes competition?

Answers in the replies please ladies and gents
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 9:38, 27 replies)

I remember the first time I heard my mum swear.
I think it was about five years ago and I was absolutely horrified when she did so. I'm 30 by the way. Oh, and, in case you were curious it was with regards to some kids who were throwing stones at my windows and continually cracking them (She described them, in a whisper, as 'bastards').
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 9:29, Reply)

My Mum was an absolute one-off
In good ways and bad ways. Mostly good ways.

When she went into the hospice for the last time, and we knew she only had a day at most left, she waited until we were all there - me, my brother, my sisters, wives, husbands and children - then she whispered (she could hardly speak at this point) for someone to pass her purse to her.

She was very weak, so it took forever for her to open it, but she refused any offers of help, and eventually pulled out some money. And promptly sent my brother and me out to get a couple of bottles of Champagne.

She couldn't have any herself, but she was determined to see herself off with a celebration rather than us sitting around being miserable and crying (which of course we did afterwards anyway).

At one point the doctor came in and we wondered what she was going to think of all these people making merry, sipping Champagne at my Mum's deathbed. Well, Mum insisted she have a glass of Champagne, too, which she did.

it's been almost three years now, but writing this, I realise I'm still capable of shedding the odd tear thinking about it... though I'm smiling, too.
(Capo, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 9:15, 10 replies)

Age of information my arse
This QOTW would be perfect for a friend of mine to try and explain to his Mum what he was doing with the first 33 years of his life. Apparently they drifted apart sometime in his early years. I've never met the woman but he talks about her a lot - never in detail though, only that she was a wonderful woman. Always thought it was weird that he doesn't see her more. The funny thing is that he never wants to dwell on the past, talks a lot about how he wants to better himself and help people, all that hippy bollocks, but nothing about what he was up to before I met him.

I got curious a while ago and Googled him - can't be too careful when it comes to your mates - but can't find a shred of dirt. That, to me, is a bit odd. He's a lovely bloke, and I feel bad being suspicious of him, but it strikes me as fucking bizarre that there's no record of his life til now. He's always banging on about doing good work and all our friends think he's the dog's bollocks. We met while we were both travelling, shared a few yarns around a fire late at night on many an occasion. Good times. He could be a bit more interested in the pussy though. I don't think of myself as homophobic but I can't help wondering why his parties are always such a sausage-fest.

I could do with some feedback, really, which is why I'm bringing this up. I looked up his family history and it's fucking mental. Apparently his Mum doesn't know how she got up the duff with him and TOLD HIS DAD SHE WAS STILL A VIRGIN even when she started showing! No wonder he's messed up, the woman's clearly a pathological liar. J reckons she'll end up being canonized by a bunch of sociopathic mentalists who'll go on to persecute gays and non-believers for 2,000 years. What a twat. Am meeting this government high-up tomorrow, have been offered a decent price to sell him out. What do you reckon?

J. Iscariot
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 9:11, 6 replies)

Portugal
A few years back my mum (and Dad) took me and my brothers to Portugal; it was ace. I wonder when she'll find me?

Maddie.
(kitescreech still here, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 8:07, 1 reply)

My mum made a cake once
Fuck knows how she managed it. All afternoon there had been much clanging and banging and whirring, and that weird rustly sifting noise you get from paper bags filled with sugar and flour. And then the final solid thump of the oven door closing, and her emerging from the kitchen, beaming like a pixie.

Later that day, when the main course had been eaten and the plates carried away, she brought in her construction on a big round plate, and us three hungry sons sat round it, licking lips and generally salivating all over the place. It was a fruit loaf.

My oldest brother, at the age of 20, was given the honour of cutting it. He picked up the knife, steadied himself at the table, and tentatively poked at the crust. It crumbled slightly, but didn't yield. So he pressed harder. And harder. Then started to worm and twist the knife, digging it into the loaf like a screwdriver, but it wouldn't budge; the cake was absolutely solid. Beads of sweat broke out on his face from the strain until eventually there was a snap, the blade pinged off and the handle of the knife came away in his hand. I laughed, my brother swore, my mum's bottom lip trembled and the dog looked on, hungry and bemused.

After the cajoling and gibes, and frustrated retorts from my mother (pun intended), we took the cake outside to destroy it. The family car (albeit a Metro) happily rolled over it, a hammer knocked a corner of it and the dog could do little more damage to it than making it reek of dog drool. It now sits on my brother's garage workbench, 18 years later, with a series of precise holes drilled in. It's a home-made oven-baked screwdriver-holder, just like Mum used to make.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 8:02, 6 replies)

I love my mum to bits.
She lives in a nursing home now as she has dementia but she's still the bestest mum in the world.
She taught me to read before I even went to school.
She used to be naughty in her own way sometimes and pinch plants from peoples gardens.
She even knicked things at jumble sales.
Love you mum.
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 7:22, 14 replies)

I have heard my mother swear on two occasions
And only two. Oddly enough, both times it was the f-bomb, and both times it was a fairly benign situation.

But think of that: Over thirty years I've known the woman, and in that time she's only sworn twice. I have friends who can't get through seven syllables without swearing twice.

Trivial bits aside: My mother does an incredible job teaching developmentally disabled children (autism, cerebral palsy, etc., etc.) and has done for years with very little reward and very little notice. She works twelve hour days, six days a week, because she cares so much about her kids. Every time I think about moaning about my life, I think about what she's done with hers, and I shut right up.

She's a bit reserved, but when the fecal matter hits the rotating blade, she's there for you. I've had to move in with her twice after major, life-altering Bad Stuff had happened, and she didn't even bat an eye, just had the extra bed ready and space in the basement for my stuff.

We don't always see eye-to-eye, but I know that she's got my back like no other, and if I ever wonder what the right thing to do is in a given situation, I can just imagine what she'd do.
(herbivorous, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 6:46, Reply)

Havent spoken to my mother for years
apparently I'm a big disappointment, and dont deserve to be spoken to.

The only stories I have about my mother are ones that contain the words "why cant you be more like [anyone but me]"

Reading your stories makes me wish I had a mother who was prepared to accept me the way I am.
(Freakmandu, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 6:39, 7 replies)

Learning To Drive

My mum took driving lessons until her trembling instructor took a huge drag on a cigarette and advised her that "perhaps driving isn't for you..."

A few minutes prior to this my mum had been tootling down a busy road when a roundabout hove into view.

"OK" says instructor "straight over the roundabout."

So she did. Mounted the kerb of the roundabout, straight through a flower bed and rejoined the road the other side, narrowly missing a bus.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 5:35, 1 reply)

Well
my mum's been and done a lot of things. Taught, run several businesses, had kids and wrote a book. When she first tentatively asked me to read it, I was a little hesitant. What if it was drop dead awful? But bit the bullet and read it.

It was fantastic but that's beside the point. Not only was it damn good, but it displayed a filthy sense of humour that I didn't really know she had. I'd spent the first eighteen years of my life loving my mum, but believing that she was just that- my mother, sedate, Catholic and moral, that to read this book shook up my entire point of view. Vulgar, feminist, lavatorial, shocking. I hardly knew how to look her in the face after reading it, but I was also immensely proud, and more than a little jealous. Everyone talks about writing a book, but she's almost the only person I know who has actually put her 180,000 words on paper
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 4:37, Reply)

My mum the flower thief
Many years ago i used to do some flower arranging.
I had a project on and a particular flower just wasnt available anywhere.
Wandering back from the shops one day with my mum I spied some of those flowers in someones garden.
I stopped to point and say 'I wonder if they would let me have some?'
Barely got the words out of my mouth when my mum had climbed over the fence and was pulling up plants.
Mouth open in shock I yelled "Mum!"
She grinned , threw some of them at me and yelled run.
And I did, closely followed by my giggling mum.
It was years before I dared walk by that house again.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 0:55, Reply)

My mum is awesome
Back when I was about 15, my younger brother was lying on the couch watching telly, so I sneaked up on him and farted on his head, because I was a teenager so it was hilarious. He was not pleased and chased me through the house yelling. My mum stopped us and asked what was going on. He pointed at me and angrily shouted "He farted on MY FACE!"

Mum looked at him, and then replied in a perfect South Park Canadian accent "I say! Terrance! Pull my finger! Aaahahahaha!" He was left dumbfounded and feebly protesting while I doubled over in laughter.

You rock, mum.
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 0:49, 3 replies)

Subway + Cars
SUBWAY:
A couple of years back my mum asked my sister and I what we "wanted for Easter" via text. (I'm 28 and my sister is 21)
We laughed about it, thinking she was messing but my sister ended with eggs regardless. I, however, being a fussy twat don't like chocolate. So my mother ventured into Subway and asked if they did "Gift Vouchers".
Luckily it was quiet in there that day but the idea of a gift voucher for Subway makes me sound like a fast bastard and not someone who tried to choose the healthy (compared to McDonalds) option.

CARS:
2/3 years back my step-dad was in the mood for a new car. My mother went along to moan about paint colour and I tagged along because I love seeing my step-dad haggle and argue with retailers. (He does it ALL the time!)
So, he's inside talking ABS and all that jive with the salesman whilst mumsy and I venture outside to look in the show-cars.
"This one!" says she and points to the car she likes.
We get in a nice shiny blue Mondeo, mum in driver seat, me passenger side. Mum leans over and opens the glove compartment and removes some sort of book.... she opens it up and it's a photo-album. So she starts glancing through it as I notice there's actually a lot of stuff in that glove compartment. I look at the back-seat and there's a child-booster seat and a load of kids toys.
That's right folks, we were in another customers car, rummaging around and being the world's slowest thieves.
"Umm let's go back inside." says I.

Never saw who that car belonged to until it passed on the motorway 20 minutes later. Kid in the backseat and everything.

Thank Christ no-one saw us, for both embarrassment and legal reasons.
(tylrdiablos, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 0:35, Reply)

Mum's style of sex ed
My mum is great, I owe her a great deal with my life so I'm not going to critisise her, except for the thorny issue of sex education.

I was about 12/13, and ill in bed with summer flu. I was sat up watching TV in the evening (most likely Red Dwarf or The Crystal Maze) when mum crept in and threw two books at me. And left without a word.

After digging myself out of the pages, I looked at the books. The first was one of those cringe-inducing 80s style NHS pamphlet entitled "How We Grow Up". The diagrams must have been drawn by some Susan Boyle W.I type that haven't actually seen a penis since their husband had his long johns blown off in World War 2. Pendulous breasts, rainforest vaginas, penises that bend beyond human reckoning, the works! The whole "business" end of the sex eduction bit took up 3 sentences, whilst the rest of the pamphlet was devoted to OMG STDs, unplanned pregnancy and Menstruation pain. Marvellous.

The other book was a called "Peter and Pamela Grow Up". A 1950s USA Pubic Information Film in print, complete with a black and white photo of two "gee, that'd be swell!" style kids in tie and blazer. The whole book manage to skirt the entire act of sex, except for a vague description of two dogs mating. The rest was mainly devoted to grease and spots and B.O and all the other wonderful aspects of adolescence.

These books, obviously acquired for this dreadful day of reckoning, were my mum's awkward attempt at home sex education. Afterwards, we never spoke about the books or their contents, or indeed any of the topics raised. Mum was keeping mum. I still remember the books, and the fact that I'd learned ALL about sex at school (and via a dodgy copy of Basic Instinct on VHS) probably four years before mum decided to "educate" me.

Cheers mum!
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Fri 12 Feb 2010, 0:22, 3 replies)

Yo mammy, boy!
That's what I said....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5CIWJZog3I
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 0:00, Reply)

I wish I was making this up
I came home from school to find her crying her eyes out at the kitchen table, serious and genuine distress here. So I tenderly enquired what had so terribly upset her.

"James!! James is dead!!! It was awful his horse got scared by some IDIOT!!!!! and ran in front of a lorry!!!!!!!!"

After getting her a cup of tea and administering a few "There theres" I suddenly realised that I had no idea who James was and for her to be this upset I should at least have heard of him:

Falco: "Sorry to bring this up but...... who's James?"

Falco's Mum: "You know perfectly well, James from the Archers!!!"

Falco: "Oh for fucks sake" (wanders off to find his mother a long sleeved white canvas blazer)
(Falco, Thu 11 Feb 2010, 23:56, 5 replies)

I took my missus to meet my Mum a couple of years ago.
Mind you, standing in a cemetery on the top of a hill and being blasted by the icy, North Sea wind wasn't exactly the scenario I had in mind.

Still, at least Mum didn't disapprove.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 11 Feb 2010, 23:46, 1 reply)

Fantastic denial
My mum's a traditional Christian. I was on the phone to her one time and she asked why I was glum. I told her my girlfriend was having an affair with her (female) best friend. My mum said "Don't joke about it! You know I don't like you joking about that kind of thing!" meaning "the gays" and that was that.

She still asks me why I won't get back with my ex and fully expects us to get married and make her some grand children.
( CowJam, Thu 11 Feb 2010, 23:37, Reply)

Cult
My mum is a lovely old dear, always kind and thoughtful and lives for her kids and Grandkids.
When I relocated to go to University with my young son, I put him into the local primary, then took him out after a few months after he was getting badly bullied. Then discovered Steiner school, after a recommendation from another student. It was brilliant. Perfect.
It was quite a radical move within the family as none of us had ever experienced 'alternative' education before.
I spoke to my lovely mother about it and tried to explain the philosophy and how great it looked, and how I thought my boy would love it there. I knew she would find the concept difficult.
She looked very concerned, slightly confused, looked me squarely in the face and asked, "But...But...is it not a bit of a cult?"
Being brought up a Christian, I immediately replied, "What? Like the Catholic church?"
I still feel bad for that look on her face.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 11 Feb 2010, 23:29, 1 reply)

Sounds a bit rough
When I was 18 or 19, some friends turned up and asked my mum if I was ready to go out. She called up the stairs for me and whilst I was getting ready, asked my mates what was planned for the evening.
The next thing I knew, she'd come running up the stairs into my room, saying "Are you sure you want to go to this? Sounds a bit rough to me."
I said "It'll be fine Mum, we're only going to a fun pub."
"Oh! Right!" she replied, "I thought they said you were going to a thump up."
(Mr McKenzie Mr McKenzie, Thu 11 Feb 2010, 23:28, Reply)

Surrogate Mothers!
My Mum is a lovely woman, but could not deal with my lifestyle when i was a teenager (shes a catholic). She kicked me out (not very Christian!) but i dont hold it against her. Since moving out i have had several different surrogate mothers all of which have been awesome,
Thanks Mums!!!
( Glovington, Thu 11 Feb 2010, 23:06, Reply)