not me, a friend
well i say 'friend', more like a twat me and my mates put up with through school. i never witnessed it myself, but this fella used to jar up his shit and keep it under his bed. some people are fucking weird. i still see him from time to time hanging around in pubs on his own, funnily enough.
(3to4sides, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 12:38, Reply)

No pron ... promise
I collect stuffed animals. I've got a squirrel, a marmoset, a ferret and a black rat here in my desk draw at work. But it's not only rodents. I also have a collection of fish, including a herring and two turbots ... oh fuck this ... Here's an extract from my other collection of explicit children's books (Squirrel Nutkins' Deep Throat Fantasy, by Beatrix Potter)):

Squirrel Nutkin was looking for some acorns, but the hard hoar frost was too tough for his little paws to break. He was in danger of dying if he couldn't eat soon. Then he had a thought: why not become a sex worker?

So he brushed his tail and licked his fur into a presentable state, then he stood by the large oak at the centre of the forest and tried to look alluring. In no time, a ferret walked by and said, "How much for hand relief?"

"Ten acorns," said Nutkin.
"Ten? That's expensive. How about if I just do it myself and you watch. I'll give you five."
"Er, OK," said the squirrel. And he watched the rat tug and shuffle frantically until a geyser of rodent jizz arced into the air and settled across Squirrel Nutkins' face. Should he charge extra for that?
"Will you sniff my bum?" asked the ferret.
"For another five."
"OK."

And the ferret bent over so that the squirrel could have a whiff. Then a bizarre evolutionary quirk took place. The pheromones in the ferret's arse sent the squirrel into a rage of passion, causing him to mount the furry rear in a salacious bout of inter-species action.

In no time, they were both sticky with the excretions of their new-found love. A few weeks later, a race of hideous tree-climbing ferrets was spawned.

[Beatrix Potter was briefly imprisoned after writing this story.]
(frankspencer, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 12:23, Reply)

I used to...
..collect various things. I had lots and lots of shells( kind of cheating though cos I bought most of them. Well you're not going to find a conch on a beach in the UK :P )
I also had a collection of postcards, it started with me just saving the ones relatives and friends sent to me, then progressed to my buying postcards as souveniers from holidays, and eventually got to the free postcards they used to hand out at school, with mad pictures that were advertising stuff. I started sticking them on my wall, by the time I stopped collecting, one entire wall of my room was covered in the things, some even overlapped :S
I also had marbles, but they weren't very interesting. Sold them at a car boot sale a while back, made a tenner for them, meh, who cares if I made a loss, another kid will be able to play with them now :)

oh and *ahem* I believe it is polite in these parts to say : "Woo first post :)"
(Celebgil, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 12:19, Reply)

I failed at
......understanding what all the fuss about Frank Spencer is all about.

It's only offensive if you read it.

Bollocks! Wrong QOTW
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 12:05, Reply)

collection
i am unique, therefore any collection of me can consist of one item only!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 11:47, Reply)

Frankspencer is a genius
I've been whacking my crackerjacks to his stories on this board all morning....
... much to the dismay of the other people in the airport!
(LunarJim, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 11:43, Reply)

Piers Taylor
Here's a Top Tip: Read the pages from bottom to top, that way you see who posted the message first. When ever you see Frankspencer, simply move on. OR if it starts with "My engorged member..." or something similar, again move on. Though why you'd want to is beyond me. The guy is cunting well funny!

edit: Except that Charlie post down there...

Back on topic: my mate has a massive lock-up filled to the brim with old and rare consoles and games etc. I don't have anything like that, but I have got the spare key to said lock up :0)
(The Splendid Oaf, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 11:41, Reply)

stusut78..
..Come back! All is forgiven! Or are you frankspencer in disguise?

Personally I feel the board would be a poorer board without the pornographic rambles of Frankspencer, the fantastically random genius of legless' true stories and apeloverage's...unique apeness I suppose.

Can't we all kiss and make up and get down to some filth which would make even the mighty Spencermeister blush? just a thought..

PS James Tiger Woods, can I collect Rachelswipe now please? My collection of Rachel's is suffering immeasurably
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 11:39, Reply)

Not me but...
b3ta seems to be building a collection of people with a low tolerance for anything not strictly to the letter of the question.

Some might find the items on the board from regular posters such as frankspencer, legless, apeloverage et al. amusing. I consider myself among the people who find this stuff amusing.

Who cares if the story isn't true or has been embellished; it's better than reading 4000 identical stories about how you failed your driving test for the 30th time.

If you are that narrow-minded that you feel that even reading their stuff is a waste of the meager brain power that you possess then perhaps your time would be better spent expanding your horizons, rather than posting on a message board.

Me, with my gargantuan collection of (working) brain cells, I can appreciate humour when I see it. and when I don't see it, I don't concern myself with putting down those who made a noble attempt. Keep quiet and move on.

Apologies for a rant, but I don't want a barrage of negativity to spoil my day.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 11:35, Reply)

Collecting bad feelings
My collection from the board is growing and i don't want it to.

Chill, theres room for everyones weirdness.

and lets face it, by coming back here every hour we are very odd indeed.

yay b3ta.

B
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Tue 16 Jan 2007, 11:35, Reply)

My home is a shrine.
I collect everything.
LPs, CDs + singles (Rock & Metal) 800+ (Alphabetised of course.)
DVDS
Books, Comics, back issues of 6 different magazines
Patches for my denim cutoff.
Concert tickets.
Websites.
and lastly, and purely by accident, cables.

I regret nothing. Not length, girth or geekness.
(Big D, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 11:12, Reply)

I collect coins
Not the ceturies-old really valuable coins, just the normal, everyday coins. with the nice pictures on.

I have a 50p with dolphins on
( brooza wonders how long a sig can be and if this will fit, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 11:03, Reply)

I collect photos...
Well, when I say I collect photos, I actually mean I take lots, and I mean LOTS, of photos...

Took about 1080+ last year, well, since June last year...

Damn you SLR and your digital goodness!

Oh what's that my precious? You want to come out and play? I guess I can take just a few... I'm sorry but my camera calls...


I do have a life.





Honest.
( monkeyman, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 11:00, Reply)

FrankSpencer
Going back to the best advice handed out QOTW, why not simply block FrankSpencer, thus regaining the time you would have wasted reading the outpourings of a mind trying to keep its grip on sanity.

Just a thought....

Size, small to medium. Never had a complaint, but then I've never done it
(Neostenine's maker, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 11:00, Reply)

i've got electric light and i've got second sight.
I'm a mega nerd but i seem to hide it well, that is until you enter my flat. Mrs Hendrix is a very patient woman! Anyway, lets see....Jazzman 45's, Funk 45's. Records in general,(4000 last count) Star Wars Figures,(300) Pink Floyd bootleg DVDs,(not nearly enough) DVD's in general (300), passport pictures of almost everyone i know, porn, cigar boxes (after i've smoked them of course), magazines, i have every issue of Hotdog, i got a missing one for Chritmas,and i have boxes of old love letters, photos and other saucy items from the past that i really should get rid of but can't. oh and badges, the older the better. i've got 100's. My favourite one is from the TV SHOW "MAGPIE" it rocks. Now i feel sad.
(Hendrix73, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 10:52, Reply)

Posts
I'm collecting non-QOTW related posts. I'm up to 355 so far.

Yeh, I know - I'm as guilty as the rest of ya!

Size? It's my purple headed love hammer :-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 10:42, Reply)

Errr - Emily?
Why am I getting lumped in with Frank and Apeloverage (not that I mind too much - good company and all that) when what I write are mostly true stories (albeit somewhat exagerated for comedic effect)?

Just curious.

And, to keep on topic, I seem to collect complaints from various B3tans who object to the content of my tales. I was so successful in collecting these that I was once banned from B3ta for being "disrespectful towards women".

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 10:19, Reply)

I collect monkeys

but one downside is that they keep following me around, even when I've just gotten out of the shower.




(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 10:13, Reply)

apeloverage v frankspencer
frankspencer, I have welcomed your stories with open arms, particularly as stusut78 seems to have vanished off the face of the earth and was wont to create similar tales of debauchery for us to goggle at.

apeloverage, why do you assume frankspencer's tales are fashioned merely to titivate one gender / persuasion or t'other? I believe they would make anyone of any persuasion a little bit squirmy in the pants region, and they are funny to boot! And how do you say your name? Is it ape-love-rage or ape-loverage?

[Cunning edit to make answer relevant] And as I am a girl, I collect bags, shoes and knickers.
(Mad McMad, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 9:52, Reply)

apeloverage -v- frankspencer
reminds me a bit of that line in "friends":

"hi, is that the kettle? this is monica. you're black."

anyway, both make me laugh, so no issues collecting up here... cheers!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 9:24, Reply)

I think I know Frank Spencer!!
He used to write the "Readers Stories" in Whitehouse Full Colour Digest back in the 1980s.
I recognise his style. It was the use of the word "Brown Knot" to describe the Rusty Sheriff's Badge which gave him away.
Frank, did you go under the Nom de Plume of Nathaniel Fatbastard around 1988?
Those anecdotes were gripping reading...
Literally!
(LunarJim, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 8:57, Reply)

Baby's dummies.
you know.. the wierd thigns that baby's get to shut them up and help them while teething...

I used to go to uni in Huddersfield.. and ride mountain bikes.... while out oneday I saw a dummy on the floor and picked it up... and another.

Thinking I was doing a service to the community by removing litter - and also creating an amusingly bizzarre collection - I threaded them onto a string along with my trusty MBUK 5mm allen-key, and wore them around my neck.

It wasn't long before I had about 15 of them.. It was getting so that mates would pick them up and pass them on to me.

Oneday in the center of town after a good ride through Fixby Woods, I noticed two huddersfield Mums staring at me in a wierd way... It was then that i realised that i looked like a rather muddy Dolf Lundgrén in "Universal Soldier" with a necklace of baby-dummies instead of his necklace of ears.

Smiling a wan and sheepish smile I pedalled away dropping my slightly freakish collection one bit at a time and thus returning them to thier natural habitat.

*****

I often wonder if a road-sweeper ever stopped to scratch his head as he cleaned up 15 equidistantly spaced baby-dummies from the street...
.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 16 Jan 2007, 8:51, Reply)

Clothes
Oh the shame

I'm a hetrosexual male, yet I have lots of clothes.

Last count over 30 work shirts - I only wear 4 of them, the others I just can't bear to throw out.
Jackets - Only 6 just now. You know: work winter, work spring, casual winter x2, casual spring and an overcoat.
2 wardrobes - I've got 2 segregated clothes sets - casual and work - no cross over is allowed. Oh, and it goes almost without saying that there's the work winter and work summer and casual winter and casual spring.
Shoes - I've lost count now.
Watches - I've currently got 7. I wear 1 and generally ignore the rest.

Length? Well, I can go as long as my wardrobe's full :-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 8:06, Reply)

frank spencer fetish
Presumably, frank goes on his little flights of fantasy because some people out there click on "I like this!" as they have no other source of arousal. Therefore, I suggest that b3ta creates a frankspencer board solely for the purposes of frank and his willing audience (you can throw Legless in there for good measure).

(Plenty of readers would include Apeloverage as a candidate for his own board, but I'm being an honest broker here. Ape! I'm cutting off your dole!)
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 6:47, Reply)

frankspencer

the thing with your stories is, you're obviously a heterosexual male, and your stories are obviously only for heterosexual males; for example -

she: talk dirty to me!
he (thinks: I'll refer to the writings of frankspencer) I got blown by Selma Hayek!
she: wtf?

you see? doesn't work.

heterosexual men arousing heterosexual women = point. homosexual persons arousing homosexual persons of the same gender = point. Your stories = no obvious point.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 6:25, Reply)

I was going to post something funny
but then I decided not to say it* as it was in far too bad taste.





*was not going to say "hookers from ipswich"
( jentulman carnt spel, Mon 15 Jan 2007, 23:01, Reply)

Why.. why... just WHHHHYYYYY????
It's not my collection.. it's the collection of bogies that you find wiped on the toilet cubicle wall or bog roll dispenser... Virtually every place I've worked has them.
I mean who are these people?

Is it just one person at each workplace, or is there a group of phantom bogie wipers! I mean there is toilet roll just THERE for Beelzebubs sake!

What shallow joy do they actually get from it? Are they actually thinking.. 'Great, they'll all see my sticky, crispy, nose detrius. That'll learn em!'

Answers on an e-mail post card to 'Why do people eat their bogies, Crispy and Salty town, YOU'RE JUST WRONGville'.
(Pachen9, Mon 15 Jan 2007, 22:40, Reply)

Erm, frankspencer...
WTF has that reply got to do with the actual question?
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Mon 15 Jan 2007, 22:23, Reply)

And from "Charlie and the Chocolate Tunnel ..."
Charlie went skipping down the street with not a care in the world. He was skipping home to grandad, who was at that moment cooking Charlie's favourite: fried eggs and beans.

Suddenly he was accosted by a prostitute wearing satin hot pants and a too tight bustier that revealed ever line of her bosom. Charlie gulped: he had never met a prostitute before, and this one looked as hot as a jalapeno gusset.

"Hey there little boy," said the Pro. "Wanna do me up the ass?"

"Are you American? Grandad says I'm not to speak to you because you'll invade my country and impose your culture and politics on us."

"Too late, honey. Here, let me see your package .."

And the lady reached down to cup Charlie's nascent member. He hadn't ever been touched like that by a woman (or by a man younger than grandad) and he felt the lightning stike of an erection growing in his loins for the very first time. Suuddenly, the woman's satin-sheathed hips and subtle camel toe got his little scrotum twitching with an unknown excitement.

"How much?" he asked with a gruff voice.

"For you, babe, I think I'll do it for free. Your little tool ain't gonna do me no harm." And she dragged him into the alleyway, where she dropped her pants and brandished her brass knot at his goggling young eyes. Fortunately, he had a tube of KY in his pocket, having mistakenly bought it as toothpaste earlier that morning.

With an unconscious and almost atavistic knowledge, he slicked up his pinkly stiffness and homed in on the welcoming tightness of the woman's anus. How delightful it felt as he slid slowly into the hot, earthy depths! How heavenly the sensation as he pumped at it with pre-teen fury, a breast in each palm and her cheap perfume filling his nostrils. When he came, it was with a bestial roar that marked his early transition into manhood.

"Congratulations!" said the street-walker. "You've won a golden ticket to spend a week in Amsterdam getting blown by Eva Typhon, the world BJ champion!"

"What's a BJ?" asked the confused and somewhat out-of-breath youngster.

"Honey, you've got a lot to learn, she said as she took his still turgid weapon deep in her throat.
(frankspencer, Mon 15 Jan 2007, 21:18, Reply)