When I was about 10
I first got on the internet and as you do when you are young and stupid and know nothing about the internet, you don't really know about spam. I received a spam mail telling me I got a free memebership thingy. "Yay! I wonder what for?" I thought, clicking the link before reading what the hell it was. There were photos of naked ladies. At that point I realised that it was true what they said about the internet.
(I have a face also had a sig on, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 16:38, Reply)

my oldman; train driver
perk of the job is to pick up mags left lying on the trains on their return late at night/in the drivers tea room, cue fantastic stack of popular mechanics-how to grow marijuana, make your car fly etc. but stacks of 'parade' in amongst that he seemed not to notice...
but my first porn: the old man driving, mum in front, me in back, bored as ever, when a woman on the side of the road-wearing a skirt- climbed aboard a 'mans bike' cue the old man driving into the curb, mum smacking him round the head and me with my first understanding of 'upskirt'
intense psychologically formative moments = worth the length
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 16:28, Reply)

Help me!
Now she's doing things that would make your eyes water!
(LunarJim, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 16:24, Reply)

I tell you what....
...I'm enjoying some homemade porn in my head right now involving me and a girl 2 offices up the corridor.

Gotta go, she ready for some more...
(LunarJim, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 16:22, Reply)

my local newsagent
Sells magazines which are buried in lead-lined bunkers two kilometres below the Earth's surface. You get a voucher and then you have to drive to get them. Hot stuff!

EDIT: How about a new system whereby the QOTW gets changed as soon as it reaches 8 or 10 pages. Thereafter, it just stars to drag and go off subject.
(frankspencer, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 15:45, Reply)

PJM - WTF?
Ok I also have reached the age where bike mags keep me ammused for longer than Razzle* but MBR is hardly the best of the bunch. Get a copy of dirt or singletrack.

*Truely weapons grade filth from the interweb has made razzle seem far too tame.
(lankymike, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 15:41, Reply)

If you're right Disasterprone
Baghdad must have some of the most extreme mags in the world on it's top shelves.

Well it's a thought, innit?
(LunarJim, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 15:21, Reply)

Has anyone else ever noticed
that the amount and quality of porn stocked in shops allows you to identify the social quality of the neighbourhood without going outside?

Rough area = loads of good hardcore bongo mags.
Nice area = FHM if you're lucky.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 30 Jan 2007, 15:17, Reply)

frankspencer
don't you mean "whore and piece"?

sorry...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 15:04, Reply)

lit clit
The pages of my copy of 'War and Peace' are stuck together.
(frankspencer, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 15:00, Reply)

A Sophisticated Hormonally charged boy.
As I got a tad older, my tastes changed somewhat, unlike most teenage boys, I always found the mind far more erotic. My brother was old enough to buy jazz mags and i was a spotty kid, so i used to creep into his room when he was out and steal all the story pages.
A sophisticated perv indeed.

I still prefer literature to the visual even now.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 14:58, Reply)

middle eastern ladies
i suppose you could imagine that under their full head to toe cover they might *just* be without firearms.

oooooooh.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Tue 30 Jan 2007, 14:20, Reply)

Joan Collins...
...in that low-grade cinematic tour de farce, The Bitch.

I must've been about 12 at the time, staying at my Nan's with my brother, and staying up late without my Nan's knowledge. We sat there in the wee hours transfixed as we watched Ms Collins pseudo-shag her way through all but one or two of the male cast. It was shite in both terms of movie quality and filth factor, but with a black and white TV, no VCR (this was my Nan's in the early eighties, remember) and as yet no idea of decent pron, we made do with what we had.

It was the first time I associated stiffies with doing rudies - I really didn't have a clue as a kid, did I? :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 14:18, Reply)

my friend grew up in the West Bank
he has a fetish for women without machine guns.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 14:01, Reply)

MORE BUSH
I was walking in the woods with a few adolescent chums in the hope that we would find some porn under a bush. Very soon, we glimpsed some flesh tones through the leaves of a bush. Imagine our surprise when we pulled aside the branches to discover an actual silicone enhanced blonde jouncing on the ebony club of a hefty black man.

Improbably, we had stumbled upon a Californian porn team filming on location in south Sheffield. As we gazed in amazement at the real-life action taking place before our very eyes, the director (who was in camouflage gear) yelled "cut!" and we were told to get lost.

My quick-thinking mate asked if they had a council permit to be filming on the land, and an agreement was reached whereby we could all have a go with the blonde.

Then I opened my eyes to discover that my mother had dashed a glass of Ribena in my face with a hissed "Dirty little bastard!"
(frankspencer, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 13:54, Reply)

I used to spend Technical Drawing lessons....
... looking up Ginny King's skirt... I had a perfect view from behind my drawing board.
When she found out she slapped me.
I tell you, ungrateful cow, she should've been flattered someone thought it was worth looking up.

Girls - black pants, always a winner.
(LunarJim, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 13:49, Reply)

Well, discounting lingerie catalogues and such things...
Me and a mate went to Amsterdam when we were 13 and bought some porn books.
They turned out to be extremely hardcore. In fact, my first introduction to pornography included skullfucking and double anal.

Of course, we couldn't manage to wait until we got back, and had a read of them on the bus on the way back to the camp site. I spluffed my pants on the bus just looking at it.

We both had to go to our seperate tents when we got back as, strangely enough, we both needed to have a lie down.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Tue 30 Jan 2007, 13:28, Reply)

The FBI will be round in a minute...
Going through adolesence as the computer age took hold was an ideal opportunity to enter the world of erotic imagery, especially as me and most of my mates were much more computer literate than our parents, meaning we could easily hide our e-stashes deep within the family PC without it ever been found. However, a friend of mine didn't get a PC at home until he was in his early twenties, but either way decided he'd like to sample the best a 56k pipe could serve up when his parents popped out for the day.

The story goes that he opened Google, typed 'sex' into the search bar and pressed Return, only to wimp out milliseconds later and unplug the PC at the socket.

Skip forward a few days and his parents found what he'd done through good old AutoComplete. He had no choice but to own up and nervously laughed it off, but his Dad became genuinely concerned that the FBI (not Scotland Yard or MI5, the FBI) would be knocking on the door of their South Yorkshire home imminently to discuss the householder's recent web acivity. To this day the PC has never been used again...
(titusyouclown, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 13:01, Reply)

and
i told everyone i knew. that was the plea ignored "don't tell anyone". The hell i won't. This is liquid gold.

there were a lot of aviators worn for a while.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Tue 30 Jan 2007, 12:47, Reply)

Pr0n Police
When i got burgled at Uni (no, you filthy minded ones) i had the honour of ringing round my housemates whom had just gone home for easter.

They were all pretty annoyed, but accepting and appreciative of the call. Except Rocky. (now Dr Rock - Dr of Bioloogical Sciences).

Rocky shat himself and asked if i could burgle the mags from under his mattress. I was expecting the worst kind of filth.

Whilst the police finger printed in his room, i had to go in and remove a pile of Asian babes with machine guns and a massive pile of WPC Naughty mild bondage in uniform mags.

Both very tame in a sexual sense. What amazed me is that asian babes do really hang out in the desert with Aviator sunglasses, a couple of bandoliers of bullets and machine guns.

I always thought this was an urban myth magazine title, but no - it is real.

Maybe cheaper to buy "Guns n ammo" and any Asian mag and cut and glue until happy.

I think the babes were a cover up. Guns got him hot. guns and uniforms.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Tue 30 Jan 2007, 12:44, Reply)

black triangles of goodness - not quite qotw
i remember going to the swimming baths with my mum when i was 4 years old. because of my age i had to use the ladies' changing facilities and can just remember seeing more naked women then i'd ever seen. but the memory that stays with me was the amount of black triangles dancing around.
(kaom, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 12:33, Reply)

Porn related
not strictly the QOTW but worth sharing

a while back ('98) I was staying in a shared house with 2 others(another guy and girl) it was a tiny 3 bed terrace, but it was cheap and the double lounge had a snooker table. The recently divorced landlord was friendly enough and came around to collect the rent in person with his girlfriend every Friday

one drunken evening Bob finds a plastic bag whilst rumminging around the bottom kitchen cupboards. In it are snap shots of landlord's girlfriend posing in her underwear, some letters and a small camcorder cassette.

fast forward 1 hour and there's me, Steph and Bob all crouched over the snooker table with the cassette unscrewed and in bits... trying to spool it onto a normal sized cassette to watch on the video. (some first attempts by Bob now means we've wrecked the original casing..so we have passed the point of no return and we agree just to bin th e lot afterwards in the hope the landlord forgot he ever left this stuff behind

Imagine our surprise then, when after what was far too long a time for 3 slightly drunk, reasonably sane people to dismantle a camcorder tape to spool onto a normal cassette, to press play and discover that it was the landlord's wedding video

bollox (as Pope Benedict XVI would say)
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 12:14, Reply)

Where are the lady-bits?
If you are going to try and steal a jazz mag from a newsagents, make sure you look at the one that you've nabbed.....thought I got Club, but upon further inspection had actually managed to thieve some kind of porn story book...with no fucking pictures!

Imagine my annoyance (at 12 yrs old) reading "her moist quim waited for his quivering member".....ey? I wanted to see some ladybits!
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 12:08, Reply)

Off to A-Level college in England...
...went my friend Stephen.

So well done him, he'd moved away from home to go have drunken partying shenanigans for a couple of years while getting some qualifications.

Then he heard that while he was away his parents would be moving house. He passed this news on to me in a letter that went along these lines:

"OMG djtp you've got to help me! Remember that jazz mag I've got under my bed, my parents will find it when they pack up all my stuff. Here's my back door key, here's a list of 100% safe times to get into the house. I'll give you £5 if you take care of this for me. Aaaargh."

So I did what any friend would. Told all our mutual friends about it, showed them the key and the letter. But ah yes, I'm not totally heartless and could see the problem my mate was in. I caught the bus to his village and happened to see a cute girl from school who I hadn't yet told the story to. Gaining points with her by humiliating my mate was interrupted when I noticed that his dad was on the bus.

"Ah, djtp. What brings you out here?"

(think fast, think fast, say something, anything)

"Erm, to see you actually."

"Oh yes?"

(fuck, think of something slightly less stupid)

"I, err, I mean. Stephen has one of my golf clubs. I was wondering if I could get it back."

Result. This was in fact true and I was (under supervision) led to a room where I retrieved my club.

The conclusion to this story is less funny. I went back another day and knocked on both front and back doors long and hard before carefully entering and leaving the premises undetected with one used jazz mag, deposited in the nearest bin.

Word of this did get back to his little sister and I had to put on my best lying face and completely deny ever being in her house. I never did get my £5 but I still have the letter and key for future prosperity ;)
( djtrialprice, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 11:57, Reply)

Capt Haddock
It sounds like an average night out in Colchester to me.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 30 Jan 2007, 11:52, Reply)

Japanese Street Bukkake
According to a guy here who lived in Japan for 7 years, they do this thing where they set up "Bukkake Flashmobs".

Apparently out of nowhere a gang of guys run up with a willing female recipient, and they all ejaculate on her, and run off, leaving her kneeling at a street corner covered in plasm.

Now THAT'S good eatin'.
(LunarJim, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 11:46, Reply)

My Uncles
Me, my sisters and cousins used to go to my grandparents during the school holidays.

My two youngest uncles lived at home til their mid twenties but lived with gfs or stayed out partying with friends and were hardly home. Their rooms were kept as if they still lived there but we would sleep in their beds when staying over. Being an old fashioned house, built in the 20s(?) the rooms had air vents which looked like an open bank slot (if that helps)high up on the wall and one day after trying to block them up to stop too much air coming in, discovered a porn mag which I promptly showed to my cousin. We spent a long time poring over them to figure out what these positions were.

My gran also found the hidden treasure under one of the mattresses which covered the base of the bed and burnt them on a bonfire to teach him a lesson, it took us four trips to get all the mags, bar the few we kept back for said uncle.
(Brumdee, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 11:40, Reply)

Fu Manchu
Steve H and I, on a Tuesday Afternoon (our school was weird, Tues & Thurs afternoons off, but in on Sat morning ?!) at his house.
He gleefully shows me his dad's stash of pron, including a Penthouse with a picture 'story' of Fu Manchu - lots of stockings, mild bondage and such. Anyone know where I can get it ??? (slavers unprettily)
ITS ALL HIS FAULT !!!!!
(The real vlad the impala, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 11:39, Reply)