aparently i ate rat poison and had to have my stomach pumped when i was about 2
same thing happened when i was born, cept instead of rat poison it was poo, yum
(The Cosmic Boy Zombie (Formerly Pirate Cat), Sun 28 Nov 2004, 15:38, Reply)

It's my metier
Okay. My friends say I look for it. I say I get paid to take the risks. I've been:

-Shot at by East Timorese
-In a 4x4 that flipped 5 times. I had to persuade my driver he was still alive and needed to get out before it caught fire
-In a 4x4 that hung two wheels over a cliff
-Been shark hunting so drunk I couldn't stand
-Fell into a fishpond in my 10-kilo flak jacket
-Flown in a Russian helicopter with drunk pilots and no glass in the windows
-Been in several motorbike accidents, one resulting in temporary blindness
-As I say, I just moved to Baghdad

I also have a wonderful girlfriend waiting for me in my house in Jakarta, so maybe I'll give it a rest. After this mission.
(junglejim, Sun 28 Nov 2004, 15:20, Reply)

Creepy bible-bashers might just know something.
I used to go to college in oxford, and rode the bus home in the evenings with another guy who lived where I did. One evening we were walking to the bus station and this guy was chalking things about the devil on the pavement. WHen we accidentally walked over one he said to us 'Don't die.. remember , don't die!'
We both laighed at it, but that weekend my friend went around a corner too fast in the wet and the curb flipped his car sideways. He said that all he could remember was the guy saying 'Don't die' so he put his hands up against the ceiling just before the car landed on it's roof and the roof caved in. He reckons if it wasn't for the memory of that guy he might have broken his neck..
(Seany boy, Sun 28 Nov 2004, 13:43, Reply)

Shocking
I have had some near misses with electricity. Once the toaster wasn't working in the morning, and being bleary-eyed, I decided to put my finger in to see if the elements were hot. A quick zap and I was charged up for the day, bleariness behind me. Beats coffee.

Also, when I was about 14 I decided to have a listen to find out what electricity sounded like. I got an earphone (small and made to be inserted right inside the ear) from my Dick Smith science set, put in in my ear, and leaned over to the wall outlet. It fell from my ear onto the bedspread, where I decided to leave it, and then I put the wires into the electrical plug. A brief pop and burned hole in the bedspread followed. It took a few years for me to fully appreciate that it might have done some real damage to me. Can't say I'm too much smarter now though.

Not certain that these would have been able to kill me, but they were uncomfortably close.

Also, I was driving to Coffs Harbour one night (6hr trip from Sydney) in pouring rain in my crappy old car, not doing anything too dangerous, just travelling the speed limit of 100km/hr, and following the taillights of the new car in front. I crested over the top of a hill and started aquaplaning (while the other car went on it's merry way). I was out of control fishtailing right then left then right about 4 times before I said "fuck it", waited until it was almost straight and jumped on the brakes. An out of control skid followed, for about 200 metres (slightly downhill), as I drifted from my side of the road through the other side of the road onto the soft shoulder and finally gently taking out a wooden post just before the trees. Thankfully no-one was travelling the other way during this eternity, or I would have been a wet corpse.
(Skippyfillet, Sun 28 Nov 2004, 13:42, Reply)

I had a near death experience
My friend and I decided on the morning after that it would be funny to get drunk on the leftover vodka whilst everyone was crawling out of their beds with stinking hangovers and covered their own dried sick.
It was a warm sunny morning and after using icepops as mixers and eating several blue food coloured pancakes I went to lay down in the garden.

I remember the incredible feeling of being moved or falling to another place. Leaving all physical concepts behind and following to a place of light, emotion and thought. As I was being absorbed into this new existence I heard voices back from where I had come. I had to choose, do I continue on and leave them forever, or follow the voices back? It was a painful decision but it had to be made, I turned from bliss and fought my way back following my friends voices.

I woke up to find the bastards had drawn all over my face.
(eladorn, Sun 28 Nov 2004, 12:05, Reply)

Surfs Up
I was about 10 and surfing while on holiday in Cornwall in some quite big waves while my Mum and Dad were sitting on the beach doing what parents do best (ignoring their children). This huge wave caught me and threw me against the rocks... I seemed to be under water for an age and having been thrown against a rock, I had been winded badly. I really thought I was drowning. I eventually managed to get above the water and made my way up to the beach to sit down next to my Mum.. I told her what had happened and she didn't respond. "I'm DEeeeeead!' I thought "This must be what the afterlife is like.. no one speaking to you!".... she then handed me a cheese sandwich.
(Dad Watches Porn "I like it when it's cold", Sun 28 Nov 2004, 11:50, Reply)

Definate health and safety issue here
When I was three or four, and i do remember this, i was at some swanky house that belonged to a friend of my aunts. This house was so swanky it had a swimming pool, complete with a plastic sheet cover thing to keep leaves and bird crap and small children out. Unfortunately, being an inquisitive child, I was naturally wonderous of this amazing, seemngly solid layer and wondered whether it'd be possible, if i ran really really fast, to get across it to the other side without getting wet. Needless to say, I got hopelessly entangled in the considerably flimsier than expected sheeting and nearly drowned. The only other person around was a distant cousin, aged around 8, who, despite the limitations of her age and of having similar genes to me, managed to pull off a daring rescue.

So thankyou, distant cousin whose name I have forgotten, I am eternally grateful for my life not being tragically cut short by a large plastic sheet
(donksta, Sun 28 Nov 2004, 11:34, Reply)

electric baby
TDub's dad reminded me of this.

Since I was a baby, I can't strictly remember this but it has been recounted to me on many many occasions so that'll have to do.

My Dad was replacing the bulb in a table lamp whilst his 9 month old son (me) sat drooling next to him. Being the DIY genius that he isn't, he had not only left the lamp plugged in & switched on but he'd also managed to break the fitting, so instead of a lamp he'd created some sort of table-top electrodeath device.

Admitting defeat, he wandered off (possibly to hit the oven with a hammer) as soon as his back was turned he heard an enormous bang and spun round to find that his baby had somehow teleported onto the sofa 10 feet from the table and was looking a little puzzled. Of course what had actually happened was that I'd jammed my dribbly fist into the lamp of doom and had been blown across the room accordingly.

Needless to say both my parents find this story hilarious and often tell friends & family about the time their baby was 'almost burned alive!', and how they are 'terrible human beings!' (failing only to use those exact words).
( moonjam, Sun 28 Nov 2004, 11:19, Reply)

Missed me!
A few years ago, I was on my way to a m/cycle rally, bike loaded with camping gear.
A few miles from home, I was following a car through a series of 's' bends, when an approaching car in the middle of a group of other cars decides it would be the ideal time to overtake them.
The car in front of me swerves off the road but still manages to get hit by the overtaker, which manages to pull it's right front wheel off.
This car, by now sliding sideways across the road, approaches me. I slam on the brakes but, being totally loaded, skid and fall over.(Broke my mirror.) The car just managed to stop as it touched my helmet.
The (woman) driver was totally p*ssed (about three times over the limit) and was trying to get the car into gear to get away.
I have some photos taken when they were cutting her out of the car.
(Spill, Sun 28 Nov 2004, 11:00, Reply)

Look up before going for a poo.
Whilst only a wee bairn, was sat on the loo at my mam's house minding my own business, while doing my own business. I spotted a sock in the corner of the bathroom, and being the nice sorta kid I was, decided to take it, there and then and ask my mother where to put it. On my return to the toilet I found that the ceiling had caved in, resulting in mortar, bricks (and strangely huge slabs of concrete) having smashed everything into pieces - dust was everywhere. Apparently, the neighbours in the flat upstairs had very irritating kids who just couldn't stop bouncing up and down, and had eventually worn down their floor!
Hope that counts.
(mwobi, Sun 28 Nov 2004, 8:09, Reply)

tractor vs 3 year old me
first one is when i was three years old, living in the country. we rode a tractor down to the creek, to pick up firewood. i was sitting on the hood of the tractor (which, in retrospect, is one stupid place to put a three year old) and slipped off when my father drove into a ditch.. drove right over my stomach with the big back wheel, somehow missing my ribs and my pelvic bone. went to the doctor and basically nothing was wrong. i didn't even cry, actually, at least until i got to the emergency room and then all the people kind of freaked me out.. heh.. one the way there, my mom was singing nursery rhymes etc to me in an effort to calm me down (probably more for her, as i was not freaking out in the least) and i remember i told her to shut up.. i still apologize to this day, that was kind of rude..
(mr. gone, Sun 28 Nov 2004, 5:04, Reply)

cheers born agains
when i was about 17 i was on my way to the shop to get a pouch of backy from one stop when i turned on my bmx, the end of my road to go onto the 4 way junction which leads to the shop

as i was approaching the junction i notice my born again christian next door neighbours renault espace family car thing cut me up into the kerb, so that when i reached the crossing my low pedal smacked the kerb sending me flying over me handlebars straight into the middle of a 4 way junction at rush hour, car comes flying at me blah blah stops in time, i sit and stare out my window for rest of the evening contemplating my own existance.

cheers neighbours
(har, Sun 28 Nov 2004, 4:36, Reply)

Not me again, but my dad
My dad was an electrician in a big shop. He was installing a huge electrical panel in a factory (with the resultant jigundously high voltage) and was squatting with a 300 lb buss panel in his arms to slide it in. The factory was live, but Dad was safe because the buss panel was turned off. Unbeknownst to him, the panel was faulty and a screw had fallen down the back and had formed a connection. The fucker was live.

When my dad slid this in, 480 volts went thru him. I don't know how many amps were involved, but a loud explosion occured and he hit the other wall. The foreman said the only reason he lived was that:

1. he was squatting and when the charge went thru him, it straightened his legs so violently he pushed himself away from the live panel.

2. he weighed almost 300 lbs himself (this is the morbidly obese guy, remember?) and the inertia of his weight also helped break the connection.

When he got home from work, he showed us the 2 holes in his right hand where the charge has gone in and out and the hole blown in his shoe. My mother about shit her pants when she found she'd almost become a widow with 10 children.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sun 28 Nov 2004, 0:54, Reply)

Near death experiences, I'm good at those
20 year old idiot on a 600cc sportsbike trying to keep up with 40 year old idiot on an 1100cc sportsbike, open country road, 'nuff said
( --=| Daz |=-- has been masturbating over a picture of you since, Sun 28 Nov 2004, 0:42, Reply)

That time......
me mate decided to pull into a bus lane was really shit scary. Doesnt sound too scary does it? The fucking number 35 was in the bus lane at the time!
(dr-kill, Sun 28 Nov 2004, 0:38, Reply)

Not me...
but a band I was working for (Wayne Fontana and the Mindbenders, pop-pickers)

We were doing a corporate gig in a tent, and during soundcheck, the guitarist was moaning that he was getting a 'tingle' off the mike when he put his lips on it. He blamed our gear. I blamed the electricians. They said their gear was OK.

In a flash of inspiration, I decided to check - horror- the artists equipment. Sure enough, the earth wire was loose on the power lead to his amp. There were no cable grips fitted either.
A slight tug wold have brough the earth against the live and bingo- a very short set and no guitarist any more.

As I was fixing his lead, he started getting shirty about the time I was taking. I asked him if he had seen 'The Commitments'. It dawned on him then just how close he had come to playing his 'final encore'. He went quiet after that.
(TwoFourAlpha, Sun 28 Nov 2004, 0:05, Reply)

There is a hole in the roof to this day-
It was bitterly cold, if you can believe that happens in SE Texas, and I had been out deer hunting (man, sound like a redneck here). I had on very thick gloves that made it hard to move my fingers. When I returned to the house, I was walking to the door in the garage. I had the gun in both hands, and inexplicably, I had forgotten to unload it as I aproached the house. In a bizare act of fate, it slipped from my grasp and the butt of the gun made contact with the floor hard enough to discharge the gun. It was parallel to my body, and the bullet passed just an inch or so in front of my face. I almost blew my head off.
(punkmusiklova, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 23:55, Reply)

Boy racers -Again
My first post yey (im no good with photoshop)
Short story.
Walking home from mates, a particularly dangerous part of the journey (a pavement with no railings and a meter away from a ring road the local boy racers use as a track - dumbasses, also dark and not an agreeable part of town) red crapy done up car comes speeding round at least an 100 miles per hour skids almost rams into me full on.

still scared to this day havnt been back to my mates
(weefreemen102, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 22:55, Reply)

Jeep Crash
I was driving down this long stretch of deserted highway when I fell asleep and my jeep wrangler veered off into a ditch that launched me over a fence, flipping me 1 and a half times. I walked away with a chipped ankle bone a gigantic gash on my leg and gasoline soaked clothes.
( smirt, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 21:09, Reply)

Not me, but a friend
One of my friends, lives out in the country, and has quite a large back garden (2 or 3 fields to be precise). He has a quadbike as well.
Naturally, being 16 year olds, we spend quite a lot of time there. On of my other friends and I were over at the guys house, and he was riding the quadbike particularly fast, round and round one of the fields.
Well, it had rained the previous night, and as he approached one of the particularly muddy bits, the quad lost grip. He started spinning round, went through about 90 degrees before one of the wheels hit something.
Despite the fact I was merely watching this from a distance, well out of the danger zone, for me time slowed down. The quad started to flip over, and my friend was thrown out of the seat. The quad continued flipping, and he hit the ground. He lay there dazed for what seemed to be about ten seconds, but couldn't've been, because when he rolled out the way the quad (continuing its original flipping) landed right where is head was. Then it bounced, right over where my friend was now standing, and landed stuck in the mud.
Then the friend whose field and quad it was came over the hill and asked if he missed anything, while I was pissing meself and the other friend was in the middle of the scene looking particularly angry.
It turned out he wasn't angry at the accident, but that he didn't get any sort of near-death experience at all.

Edit; Oh, and there was the time at school we had the meningitis C vaccine. Just as they stuck the needle in, they explained that the vaccine was just some form of the disease that wasn't supposed to be harmful, so your immune system could cope.
I wandered out feeling okay, but hating needles even more than I already did. I walked along the corridor, then started feeling a little woozy. I met a couple of girls from my year, and promptly fainted into their arms.
Needles to say, out of the hundred or so people getting the vaccine, it was me alone who actually caught the disease from the vaccine. Bloody NHS...

Apologies for the length.
(Duke Flipside Bidet to you, sir, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 19:58, Reply)

Feckin' Truck Drivers!!!!
They're bloody dangerous! I should know .. I am one. This is a very long story so I'm not going to tell it. Suffice to say that after having had a pretty busy working week I failed to notice a low bridge sign and drove my 44 tonne articulated lorry into it. The resulting carnage took 6 hours to clear up. Trains were diverted (it was a railway bridge) and I managed to stop an armed robbery too (another VERY long story).

The lorry was smashed to peices, turned on it's side and spread over 1/2 a mile of road (which ended covered up in deisel too) I had to kick the windscreen through to get out and walked away with a grazed ear.

I would like to appologise for all other lorry drivers ... our bosses make us do silly ammounts of work - we're not all twunts.

(That week I spent 127 hours behind the wheel - I wish this was an exageration, but it's not)
(jimmy the hoover, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 19:18, Reply)

ill.
i was a really sick kid. by the time i was 4 i had more febrille seizures then you can count on both hands. not to mention having a fever for the first 4 years of my life.

and last year i managed to get mono, strep, and walking pneumonia all at the same time.

i almost dehydrated/starved to death.

i didn't say it was an interesting story.
(azulvandal, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 18:56, Reply)

Last night
When I had a beer/keyboard interaction. I survived, but the 10-year old keyboard didn't...
( Boras the anachronism, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 18:50, Reply)

Near death by electrocution
Whilst still at school, I was doing the lighting for some crappy charity event or something like it. There was a lot of work to be done on it and as usuall I left it all to the last minute. I came in on the day after being out on the lash untill 3 in the morning the night before, resulting in me being very tired and hungover. I went to change the plug arrangement on the control board, and didn't realise there was no back on the plug, cue 5 seconds of electrocutin and me lying on the floor unable to breath properly
( Randomgazz, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 18:18, Reply)

night driving
I was at camp this summer and was on my day off so i decided to hang out with my girlfriend. She had a friend who lived up by camp so i dropped her off there and returned to camp. I went to eat dinner with them that night and everything was going fine 'til the ride home. i thought i blinked, in reality i feel asleep for 3 seconds. The next thing i know i'm bareling through the woods at 50mph. I think in my panic i hit the gas. Somehow i missed every tree in the forest and ended up on the road again, hiting a ditch and throwing my car up into the air a bit. I totatled the car, and when i saw the path later i realized that had i been inches over in either direction i would hit rocks that could have flipped my car or BIG trunked trees. In the hospital there was another guy who fell asleep at the wheel, only his car fliped, and i dont think he made it.
(Quazie, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 18:05, Reply)

Never trust the girlfriend......
Girlfriend is mowing the lawn and cuts through cable. She comes into the house to tell me this so I go outside to cast my expert eye over the situation.
I shout for her to unplug it at the mains to which she replies 'Okay'. I then decide that the plug can be put back on minus the 4 foot of severed cable. Being highly intelligent and resourceful I use my teeth as a pair of wire strippers and some time later wake up to the smell of burnt flesh whilst laying down in the garden. I always check things are unplugged for myself now.
(bettyswollocks, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 16:42, Reply)

Um...
During an art class in school, i was chosen with othrs to carry some old gcse work from a classroom. I was carrying one wich was a paper mache globe thing with 2 towers made of sharp drinkinbg cans, mounted on some card govered in wax. I was holding it with this boy and just when I thought *oh, better not lose my grip* i lost my grip and dropped it. the boy starts tellingme how stupid i was, looks at me with horror and runs off. I go after him and realise my hole class is either scared shitless or yelling.

Ever seen the xmas episode of Bottom when rick kits his thumb off and its squirting everywhere? Well little did i know that was happening to me (i didnt cut my thumb off, id cut a meatball sized chunk out of where the thum meets the hand), blood pulsating and spraying my red stuff all over the place. I just looked at i8t and went,"oh" cause I hadnt and stil didnt feel a thing.

Anyways, ran to loo which my *male* teacher followes, trying to put pressure on my hand which was now dead white, get phisically dragged (id gon through shock which was really scary)to the first aide room the other side of school where the nurse thinks its a scratch untill i lifed 4 of the 17 (yes i counted) paper towels and it sterted to drip on the floor. NICE! I was thinking *at least i have an excuse to skip french!* but my hand was getting sore.
Went to A&E with mum, got seen to by a guy that had very strong accent/knowing not much english, who put a injection IN THE FUCkING WOUND! which amde me scream and kick, followed by loads of stitched and crap that i showed everyone.

Turns out (id kinda guessed) id seathered the nerve and nipped the side of that blood vessel/artery in your thumb. Any closer in my nad i would have lost more blood and been really in the shit.
Have a nice scar and numbness on one half of the thumb.

I feel sorry for the caretaker who had to mop up all my blood and finding the mishing chunk of my hand!

*sorry for length, its a funny story*
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 16:31, Reply)

Mostly when younger, but...
Born with a collapsed lung, so was in intensive care for a bit.

While I was in my parents bedroom aged about 2, mum caught me pouring a glass of water over a lamp bulb that was amusingly enough, still switched on.

Not long after that, I managed to smash a glass on my high chair and was then caught grinding the pieces into my little table with my fist, remarkably with NO scratches let alone cuts!

And just recently in a trip up past Durham going up towards Newcastle, I aquaplaned into the side of a lorry while going around a bend up a hill on the A1.
(KatanaSharpAsFuckLostMyFingers, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 15:32, Reply)

desperate now
my best friend's dad was merrily playing on the railroad when he was about 10, when suddenly along comes a train around the bend! He jumps from track to track in front of the train as many times as he can, and on his last jump, he comes just short of the track, and he trips and falls. He loses all of his toes, except one.
Coincidentally, I saw a couple of kids jumping around in front of a train recently, when one of them fell. He managed to roll over the track and down into the ditch beside it, just as the train came roaring by, and he just got up and walked off with his friend as if nothing happened. Kids, pfft.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 14:58, Reply)

I just
moved to Baghdad last week
(junglejim, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 14:04, Reply)