I've never even heard of The Quantity Theory of Insanity.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 21:23, 3 replies)

I know nothing about Deborah Orr's husband.

( Larry Death Anger Pain Fear Aggression, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 21:02, 4 replies)

I used to know a guy who, although quite a nice chap...
...had no sense of personal space.

Chatting to him at a party once, I found myself backing away as he stood closer and closer to me. Once I reached the wall I was trapped; he actually stood so close to me I didn't have room to drink from the glass I was holding. It amazed me at the time (and it still does now) how little people pay attention to stuff around them O_o
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 18:15, 7 replies)

orange fruit gums
are the only acceptable route between citrus and berry flavours.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 18:05, 6 replies)

Stopping dead in the street should be an offence.
- Cyclists who try to excuse jumping red lights and riding on pavements by saying some people drive cars badly - seriously - you look like petulant children huffing "They started it!"

- Parents of young children who use childish terminology in conversation with adults becos vey iz so vewwy fond of dere ikkew babby.

- People who laugh at their own jokes

- And today, I overheard someone say "challenge" in the same way one would normally say "problem", as in, "Well, you see, the challenge is that my 'phone won't register ... "

- People who put their bags on the seat next to them on public transport.

- People who misinterpret QOTW subjects and simply list things that piss them off, and think that being self-referential is clever and makes it funny enough for them to get away with it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 17:47, 5 replies)

Buses
Buses have seats. Lots of them. Sometimes (well a lot of the time) they are full, but there are plenty of places to stand.

So why do you have to stand in the exit?

Honestly, the driver isn't going to leave with you still on the bus - they've got mirrors and cctv to see who wants to leave. They're trained. It's their job.

All you are doing is making it immensely harder for everyone to get off. Arses.
( chthonic, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 17:05, 10 replies)

Australian nightmares.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 16:35, 1 reply)

ladies of my office and their various 'diets'
atkins, paleo, pranist, etc. a different one every week.

all the while drinking a bottle of white each night and wondering why they dont 'see the weight come off'.

one of them was eating 12 boiled eggs a day and nothing else. the 'lundgren' diet? wtf. she would quite happily polish off a packet of dr kargs thingies. she thought they were like ryvita until someone pointed out that a packet had 1000 calories in it.

meh
(magictorch, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 16:31, 4 replies)

People who.....
.....stand in front of Mrs Groover at gigs. She's only small, but hey have to have their big sweaty bods right in front of her. Honourable exception being the two big students at a Brendan Benson gig who formed a phalanx in front so that she could see. Nice lads. The rest can go and fornicate elsewhere with themselves.
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 29 Nov 2012, 16:23, 6 replies)

Snowy's post reminded me of a former work colleague....
She was the type of girl that would, despite sticking to various diet plans, generally treat herself a week full of lunches that would consist of a large portion of chips, mountain of cheese and half bottle of mayo as a treat for doing well at her last weigh in.

She was a big girl with delusions about her size. She seemed to think that she was a stones weight-loss away from having Victoria Beckhams figure, when in reality she was about a stones weight-gain away from looking like Beth Ditto.

For some reason she would often insist on wearing fishnet tights. the lack of self-awareness was down to the fact that her legs looked like someone trying to force a partially rotted pig carcass through a chain link fence as a result.
( Muns, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 16:21, 8 replies)

Dead people
can be incommunicative, a lot of the time.
(username failed moderation, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 16:18, Reply)

FFS I wasn't serious.
I only put this into 'suggestions' to take the piss out of Emvee.

#nsa


Cheers.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 15:54, 14 replies)

Fat people
in leggings
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 15:53, 7 replies)

I have often found the mentally ill and the mentally insufficient to be woefully lacking in self-awareness.

(Elephant Balderdash attempting to bottle the absurd, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 15:52, 6 replies)

People on planes
who refuse to help my kids pick their toys up when they've rolled under their seats.
(username failed moderation, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 15:45, 1 reply)

nose pickers
sitting on benches in the park or, even worse, sitting at a table in a cafe or restaurant while you're trying to eat, with their fingers jammed up to the second knuckle inside their own nasal cavities, mining for a nugget of purest green, oblivious to the retching sounds of disgusted diners around them.
cut it out, you filthy bastards, or at least give us a wave when you get to the bridge.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 15:25, 27 replies)

Many years ago when I was a lazy uni student, I fell into the habit of doing a bucket bong each morning and passing the day pleasantly stoned
On one particular day I went to get take-away sushi for lunch. The restaurant was in a food court in a nearby multi-storey shopping centre. As I approached the counter I noticed standing in front of it was a man in a tuxedo and a woman seated on a bar stool next to him wearing a black cocktail dress. They were a very beautiful couple, and seemed quite happy as they both had big smiles. I stood next to them and tried to get the attention of the japanese owner to take my order. He was standing off to the side and instead of coming to me started signaling me to come to him with a look of fear in his face. Ignoring his odd behaviour, I yelled out that I'd like the nigiri special, and he gave me a funny look but started to prepare it, which in hindsight showed a certain business acumen. I looked at the couple beside me who were now staring at me, and gave them a friendly smile. There was something strange about them I couldn't quite put my finger on, something too perfect and not quite real. I waited until the owner put together my sushi and took my money and handed me the bag. It was only then that I turned around and noticed the film crew, standing around in a semi-circle all waiting for me to finish, with cameras, sound technicians, and two really bright studio lights focused on the couple. Totally oblivious I'd walked through and onto an active advertising shoot and ordered sushi. And the owner had sold it to me
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 15:16, 1 reply)

Born again Tories
Especially those from poorer backgrounds.

'I came from a modest background and I've worked hard to get what I've got. I don't see why I should have to pay all this tax'.

I have several friends who wholly supported the raising of University tuition fees despite the fact it means none of us would actually be able to go to University if we were 18 again today, and they wouldn't have the well-paid jobs they now have as a result. They don't seem to grasp why I think this is hypocritical.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 15:14, 22 replies)

People who are too wrapped up in themselves so much that..
...they don't notice if other pedestrians are pushing pushchairs, shopping trollies, etc.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 14:48, 10 replies)

In my job I have one-to-one weekly meetings with everyone in the office
They come to me, we have a serious discussion, they take notes and we reschedule for next week. The company pays, and some of the employees have been having these sessions for years.

And every week, when I get round to one individual, I get a lump in my throat and a queasy feeling on the back of my tongue. My fingernails will itch and it will take a Herculean effort for me to concentrate on maintaining eye contact with the client.

Because every week without fail, he will be sporting a zit on his face. And not just a little whitehead, but a monstrous, oily, pus-filled bubo, so round and firm that it looks like it could erupt at any moment.

This yellowy beast will be nestling in the crease of his nose, or dangling from his poorly-shaven chin, or lurking on his neck like a parasite carried around by an unwitting host. Once, it nuzzled against the edge of his lip, right in the corner of the mouth, and as the guy spoke small specks of spittle collected there, until it looked like his zit was drinking, lapping away at the saliva.

It's properly revolting and it's obvious the guy manages to wake up, get clean and dressed, and leave the house without once looking in the mirror to check for pustulent growths.

So we will spend an hour together; me, him and the zit, with my gaze desperately skittering around the room until drawn inevitably to the greasy mound.

That is, until he picks it in front of me, and wipes it on his trousers.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 14:20, 7 replies)

Drawing the line
Back in my late teens and early 20s I used to earn a bit of extra money by working part time in a popular local bar.

Given the popularity there were always a lot of young ladies to flirt with and then meet up with in one of the clubs after work and hopefully get to know a little better.

One evening I met an attractive* young lady and we ended up going back to her place for a coffee. On arrival at her flat I started to notice a peculiar odour. I had noticed this faintly at the club but had paid no attention as it was back in the days before the smoking ban when it was difficult to pick up the exact nature and source of smells. We had then walked home so I thought the smell must have been from somewhere else.

As we reached her bedroom it began to get more and more pungent. However I tried to ignore it as we snogged and the rush of hormones created due to the impending sex made the sensible part of my brain switch off.

As her clothes were loosened and discarded however, the sensible part of my brain began kicking back in, whispering to me, whispering what the source of the odour was, so I decided to inspect a little closer.

Never in all my born days have I smelt anything quite like this particular growler. It was as if an otter had vomitted in her pants. I remained calm however and managed to extricate myself from the situation by pretending to reach for protectino and then apologising that I didn't have any left, I couldn't pop down the 24 hour garage as I had an early start at work the next day and it would spoil the mood, but we could meet up again the next week.

3 weeks later a co-worker at the bar went back there and had the joy of catching chlamydia, which goes some way to explaining the horrendous stench emanating from that particular lady garden.

It's not often a guy will turn down sex, but my fortitude on that evening is not something to be sniffed at, pardon the pun.

*she was a 4 pinter.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 14:16, 22 replies)

New parents
Seem blissfully unaware of others, especially when pushing their new brood through city centres in a three wheeled tank.

Cunts.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 14:08, 16 replies)

I'm a bully, and really cool, and also very funny.
And not to mention witty!

I come up with some right zingers, I can tell you!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 14:04, 7 replies)

I had no idea talking about my shed caused so much upset.


Because I was put on the naughty step.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 14:02, Reply)

Cheers.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 14:00, 30 replies)

I think I've mentioned this before
but I was once told off by my ex girlfriend, when I was a 22 year old graduate working full time in a shitty retail job to pay my rent while I looked for something better.

Apparently she couldn't understand why I was working in a minimum wage job and not doing something with my life. I must be incredibly lazy, otherwise I'd have a nice flat and stuff like her. Why didn't I get a proper job?

All a bit harsh, but maybe understandable, until you take into account that:

1) She didn't have a job
2) Her Dad had bought her flat for her
3) Her boyfriend paid all the bills
4) She owed me £20 at the time

To rub it in, on the 'proper job' bit, her Mum was an alternative therapist.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 13:47, 9 replies)

i wanted to be last!
boo hoo!
(fivetide, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 13:35, Reply)