Finish didn't really need me
It was at a school conference, THIMUN, for those know/recognise it. Back when i was 17. Her name was Claire and i had been flirting with her all week, she fancied one of my mates and thought another had the cutes ass she had ever seen. I digress. So the Friday arrives and there is a massive party, teenagers with access to a bar with cheap drink. She wasn't there as her school didn't allowed their students to attend these things. Her hotel was around the corner from my house, so at 1-2am, sparky (the one she fancied) and i wondered around also with the girl sparky had pulled, who was also staying with me. We end up in the Claire room who she shared with two other girls. Sparky dumped other girl and started to flirt with one of the roommates. Girl staying at mine gets directions home at 3am.

So there we are Sparky, Claire, Claire's roommate (the other one buggered off) and myself. We pair off, Sparky in the single with girlie, and me with Claire in the double (well singles pushed together). One things leads to another and I am naked but my socks and Claire is also naked. Keep in mind sparky is dry humping the other girlie, less that 2 feet away.

Claire asks if i wanna have sex and in my moment of clarity... i locate a condom, kept in my wallet, push it into hand and say "Only if you want to". So we kiss some more and i am fingering her. Now not only did i not get any action when it was sooo on a plate, but she also proceed to push my hand away and finish her self off.

So i am laying there, naked (but socks) with a girl finishing off my hard work to my left, and sparky + girl to my right, so close i could have reached a cross and lent a hand. So i twiddled my thumbs and thought about my options, TV, but the remote was on the floor at the end of the bed, or i could have a wank... i opted for nothing. I just laid there and waited tobe kicked out.

Oh and a couple of months later a friend meet up with the group of girls in Dublin, to be informed that i had jizzed on one of the pillows which someone then slept on. I did no such thing.
(StyX is staring at you, yes YOU!!!, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 0:03, Reply)

Know your limits
Aged 15, working on a school production (some wanky pantomime, but I fancied the arse off one of the buff sixth-form stage hands). A bespectacled, stooped, spotty, fat-tongued gimmer called James propositioned me with the seductive line, "As you're not good looking either, how about it?"

Admittedly, I did have ginger hair and some rather impressive orthodontic metalwork adorning my teeth - however, also being in possession of a nice pair of tits and, more importantly, a fucking pulse, I felt I was arguably perhaps out of his league.

I therefore turned down his kind offer to relieve me of my virginity. He managed to compound the insult by being really affronted by my refusal.

Never did get more than a snog off the buff stage hand, however, I did successfully pop my cherry a year later. And James? I expect he finally met his soul mate in one of them "Holy shit! It feels just like a rubber minge!" contraptions and lived happily ever after.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 23:08, Reply)

WTF?!?
Both me and my fiance are virgins (the whole no sex before marriage thing)

He just asked me, in all seriousness, if it was true that women don't have prostate glands.

I kid you not.

He's 20.

I now desperately want to give him a very thorough practical 'hands-on' biology lesson to teach him the difference. He's not coming over though.

Another opportunity squandered...
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 22:14, Reply)

Movie
Lets just say when you pick a movie to wach with a girl, alone, no parents. DONT! pick braindead (damn you Peter Jackson!)
(0010000, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 21:56, Reply)

crappest excuse ever
It was the first year of university when my first near miss happened. I'd just gone to uni straight out of college where I did an I.T GNVQ (several nerdy males staring at PCs all day) and was rather rusty in the art of inter-gender socialising.

I was at the student union bar with some friends when I got chatting to a girl. Next thing you know she's taken me into a corner and whispers into my ear 'want to come back to my place?'.

My heart feels like it's jumped out of my chest at this point; I've waited 19 years for the opportunity and here it is being presented to me on a plate. I was totally oblivious to how these things work at university and had never encountered anything as forward as this. In my mind I was assuming that to pop my cherry I'd at least have some time to work up to 'doing the deed' and prepare for it mentally, a couple of dates or something at least. My next thought was that she must have assumed I knew what I was doing and if I just went back to her house I was pretty sure I would be crap and could never live it down.

All this ran through my head within a split second. I decided to chicken out but I needed to think of a legitimate excuse... the reason being I didn't want to offend her and hopefully I could prepare myself mentally in the near future and take her up on her offer.

What was my killer excuse? "Sorry, I've got the runs". Cue me exit stage right and back to the halls where I instantly regretted a) being such a chickenshit and b) thinking up such a crap excuse.

I did see her around after that and to her credit she managed to make small talk with me on a couple of occasions... but I guess that certain something she saw in me had just dissapeared once she thought I'd turned down a shag for an evening with the porcelain throne.
(bitchman contains mild peril, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 21:56, Reply)

No Regrets
A surprising amount of these (I wonder if that's significant),among others:
1) After much snogging with at time current bf, about to do the deed, he says "Where's your toilet?" I reply, "I don't think I can do this". He says "What, have sex or tell me where your loo is?" "Well, I can tell you where the loo is..."
2) At a garden party at my house, parents away, big crush on older brothers best mate. Said mate is about to leave, he looks at me poignantly & says "I can stay over if you like?". Cue my open-mouthed gawp at the flippantness of this usually shy, retiring bloke. Sensing my shock, he quickly backtracks with "Uh...I didn't...I didn't mean...not in that way obviously....". Of course
3) Not sex virginity: First date. Just left the cinema. He says "So, do you wanna give me head?" My repsonse "I'm sorry, you what now???"
Somehow I attract these men who think I'm a hoe!!! Only lost my virginity last year, still with him, love of my life
mwah Xyph
Ooh another,one of my friends went for a dirty weekend down in Southampton. She was a virgin, he was my brothers dirty man-whore of a flatmate (it was doomed from the beginning). About to do it, she brings it the solitary condom that I gave her in her Xmas card. Condom goes on, la la, it rips on her stupidly large golf-ball sized ring. Hahahahaha.
(Shelob, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 21:26, Reply)

hehe
I'd moved from Suburban Bedfordshire, leaving my friends and church behind.

Arriving in Essex, I'd heard the rumours, but was still naive. I somehow found myself a girlfriend, and somehow managed to arrange an evening babysitting her neighbours kids with her. They were duly dispatched to bed at 8:30, leaving me the entire evening to explore.

I realise now, but she was only PRETENDING to be asleep on the sofa, in order that I could navigate my way about her body. I got as far as her funbags, but chickened out there and then.

Essex taught me a lot. It taught me that girls are fun. It also taught me that you don't need church to have fun. In fact, there's no god in Essex. If there was, he would have disapproved of the years that followed that, and let me know somehow.
(wahey, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 21:05, Reply)

Damn you Bacon Fries
I was in the pub with some friends, enjoying a packet of Bacon Fries. After finishing them, I proceeded to cover my nose and mouth with the bag and breathe in and out, inhaling the bacony goodness. A girl came over and asked if I hyperventilated, because she did. Had I been sober, I would've realised this was her attempting to chat me up. As it was, I laughed at her and told her I just enjoyed sniffing crisp packets.

She went back over to her table and started to cry, presumably because she'd made a fool of herself. What made it worse was that she looked over and for some reason I gave her a thumbs up. She sheepishly gave me one back while fighting back the tears.

Good times.
(terrorbite, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 20:35, Reply)

Everything was going SO well
But she woke up.
(thePontificator, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 19:25, Reply)

First time i had sex, i didn't actually have sex
Just rubbed up against it, got too excited and spluffed.

At the time I thought it was a magical experience, then i did it for real and realised i hadn't actually done it.

Never told my buddy that also did the deed the same night and we'd been high fiving for being two of the first of our peers to cop off.
(bigolslabomeat, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 19:10, Reply)

Penis Sweetheart
in a kind of American Pie moment but long before the movie and a tad darker, i sort of technically lost my virginity when i was eleven to an anatomically perfect vagina i fashioned from wet clay - having got the idea from some device called the "Penis Sweetheart", in the adverts section of a crumpled and bewilderingly sticky porn mag found in a hedge behind the tennis courts.

Despite this effort at preemption, however, seven years later i was proven completely and utterly wrong - thank christ.
( octopus footwear raaa, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 19:05, Reply)

well
i was half naked, smelling of my own vomit, lying on a strange floor with assorted blankets, sleeping mats and pillows on it. i just woke up to some girl trying to get me hard by humping my crotch with hers. i was confused.

also this one time a girl fell asleep on me during a video, and i woke her up. in hindsight i just should have stroked her hair or some shit. she was also feeding me nice things before this and i didn't understand.
(riedacher_bertram, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 18:12, Reply)

2 stories for this one
First one is a much-shortened repost of my one for Greatest Regrets, in which I helped a very close, very attractive female friend with her computer (which was sporked), and she went off for a shower. And came back only in underwear. Being the imbecile I am, not only did I have a girlfriend, I also didn't completely realise what her massaging my shoulders and rubbing herself against me meant. She was (and still is, apparently) a virgin. Although now she is at university and trying the lesbian stick. Not completely homo though, as a drunken text I got last week would suggest.
The next one is about my very good friend Ciaran. I have no qualms about using his name as he only ever comes on QOTW to read the Best Of, so unless you click 'I like this' he'll never read it.
Anyway me and the other godhead in our particular triumvirate started a rumour that he had the biggest penis known to man. Horses wouldn't be able to cope. And at our insistence, (and the agreement of his mother at his 18th birthday party), this rumour became common knowledge.
Now, Ciaran was a good Catholic boy, and no-one but his mother had ever seen his todger, especially not a girl. However, he had his heart set on one particular girl, the delectable Kate (named changed as she is lovely. Ciaran isn't). The entire rumour was started in order to make her fall in love with him, or to simply pique her curiousity so she wants to discover for herself (eye-to-eye, if you will), what he was carrying around in his y-fronts.
Did she? Did she heck. Before the rumour, she was wondering whether or not she liked him; post-rumour she had decided she didn't want to be ripped in half and spurned his advances.
Thanks to our intervention, he now studies a very boring subject at uni and is a major fan of Thunderbirds.
Regard this as my public apology for you remaining a virgin, mate.
( Dave the Mighty, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 17:40, Reply)

Virgins...
.
Everytime you pop a virgins cherry, an angel chokes to death.

My flat in is knee-deep in dead angels. I share my flat with a bloody driving instructor.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 17:32, Reply)

I Saw Jonathan King In HMV
When I was 12. I'll never really know how close it was.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 17:20, Reply)

Emma
I was quiet when I was young. Not shy, but just didn't see the point of saying anything if I didn't have anything worthwhile to say. This is a terrible problem when trying to chat up girls, especially when attempting to talk to Emma for the first time. She had long, blond hair, big blue eyes and a fantastic body (even though we were both about 10 years old, she still had a perfect figure). So we devised a plan, 'we' being myself, Greg, Steve and Brian: I'd phone her up and ask her if she'd like to go and watch a film with me. The four of us set up an amazingly elaborate script which covered all eventualities; every conceivable twist in the conversation was covered - no matter what Emma said, we were confident we'd have a pre-prepared answer. The time came to make the call. I had the several sheets of A4, Greg, Steve and Brian were listening on the extension so that they could hear how things went and could point to the relevant part of the script if I lost control of things, and the most nerve-wracking call of my life began.....

Me: Hi Emma
Emma: Hi Jerry. How're you
Me: Fine thanks. Just wondered if you'd like to go see a film on Friday
Emma: Sure. Shall I come over to your place for about seven o'clock?
Me: That sounds good. See you on Friday.
Emma: Bye


I'm so astounded at how easy it all was that I'm stunned into silence. A silence which is filled by Greg, et al yelling things down the extension like, "You've nailed her", "You're gonna have your hands inside her knickers within a minute" and "She's gonna be sucking you like a whore" together with other unsavoury comments.

Emma: I'm still here you know. I'm never going to speak to you ever again.

And she didn't.
( Fr_Jerry_McGwier looked over both shoulders at, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 17:15, Reply)

A mallet is all well and good if you want a one night stand,
but if you want a meaningful relationship rohypnol is a much more romantic gesture and will guarantee you at least three goes.
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Sun 29 Oct 2006, 15:57, Reply)

pfftt amature
sod rohypnol

use a mallet like everyone else, you posh rich bastards
(KaiserPro captain arse rape, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 15:21, Reply)

I lost my virginity

in the grounds of Trinity
outside the school social
to a girl called Dimity.

Dimity, meaning
"a lightweight, sheer cotton"
the one thing about her
I haven't forgotten.

So thanks for that Dimity
you taught me a lesson
that tastes like cask wine
and sounds like Evanescence.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 14:37, Reply)

the first man I had

I was only sixteen
he was older, much older than I
he taped me The Cure
and called me mature
and said that he'd call, but he lied.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 14:24, Reply)

Punchdrunk with lust..
Ah twas a springtime in the noughties; hanging out at a male aquaintances house with bestie. Get stoned, then get drunk on a pint of finest quality rum. Bestie leaves. Drunkenly sit on manchild's lap. Kissing/fondling ensue. 'Shall we finish this upstairs?' Due to mammoth quantities of sensi & rum consumed, the stud couldn't quite make the cut. We slept [& that was all we did] & with each hour of creeping daylight I became more & more glad I hadn't - one reason being that his girlfriend was in my art class. He avoided me at college & I took the piss with my mates. Twas a mini adventure. The end.
(godbox 3rd best prostitute in London, after mum & sis, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 13:02, Reply)

Cinema Action
So there was this girl, who was half friends with a mate of mine. My friends and his friends all went out for a film and me and her got chatting, only mild stuff like what the movie was like but i ended up with her number. So i get her number and we start texting but after about 1 day the topic turns to sex and stays that way for 2 weeks. it turns out she was a kinky bitch and gagging AND a virgin still. So we arrange to meet again (2 weeks later) and see another movie in a cinema. Course when we got there we made sure it was a shitty cinema and an unpopular movie (was Mr and Mrs Smith or somehting). I give her so much action on the back row, with just my hand, that she nearly shits it up by moaning or something (bloody women). So the film finishes and we go to find a nice field, we get there and start off with the foreplay again (I say we, she just expected a fingering). We get to thinking we should start things off properly but then a light comes on somewhere around and shines on her face.... and what a bloody state it was. However i was still 'in the mood' but because of this vision of F-Uglyness I couldnt get it up for love nor money. So i say, bugger it, lets just go. So we do, I leave with her panties in my pocket and she leaves commando in a mini skirt :D

I still laugh with my other friend about it to this day.
(Golden_guns247, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 9:22, Reply)

schoolies week
My first chance of losing my virginity happened at schoolies week, i'd met a girl in a different apartment just opposite me, and we'd been going out for breakfast after sleeping in the same bed, and playing strip poker..
But one night we were just sitting on the bed and she was looking around. And i failed to see any hint of the thought (which probably happened so many times) and said I am going to meet some other friends.

That was the last time i saw her that week, and because she lived up north, never again.
(almqvist, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 6:48, Reply)

the pros knows
I was 15, nearly 16, and being helped with a cure for virginity by a 26 year-old co-worker. She'd be called a predator nowadays, but I found her to be quite the thing at the time. We went to a local lake to swim, and work up my courage trying to look manly leaping off rocks in the dark. The action tuned up, and we found ourselves embraced next to a low rock shelf in the water with me giving her an amateur's effort. Somewhere before I found my way into the love tunnel, I heard some noise. I looked up and there were two naked, teen guys drinking beer, and two slightly older women slipping off summer dresses. Turns out they had been watching for awhile. Also turns out that these were two young recruits, just out of basic training, and two of our finest local prostitutes out for a lark, with the same idea I had to find a place to get off without springing for a hotel. Good times.
(mybluemake, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 1:36, Reply)

To all ye who are still virgins,
I would like to suggest rohypnol- the self styled "Romance Drug"
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Sat 28 Oct 2006, 23:38, Reply)

Oh, and on another note...
It was New Year's Eve, 2002. I'd still not lost the v-plates and I was getting desperate.

We're in Kingdom, in Sheffield, and I've pulled this young lady after some good groundwork in the pub earlier.

However, me and my friends had been drinking solid from about 11 in the morning, so by midnight, I was not of this earth.

So, when she said 'let's celebrate in the toilets' - who was I to say no?

And so, in the gents, in a cubicle (seemingly we weren't the only ones with the same) idea, she drops her panties, pulls my jeans down and gets to work.

Then...

I look up.

You know the bit in the Bible about epiphanies? Where you have a moment of clarity and realisation that what you're doing might not be completely right? Right then, as she's getting me hard, I had an epiphany, cutting right through the drunken haze, I had that moment of clarity.

She was UGLY. I mean, she had a face like a bag of smashed crabs.

So, I started to make my excuses, which basically conisisted of me pulling my keks up, shoving her out of the way, and legging it out of the toilets, out of the club and straight home (stopping for a kebab on the way home, natch).

So, I didn't get to lose it then, but a week later, I got it on with this chick I'd met before, and we ended up being together for a year and I got a real education in the bedroom.

Result.

Length? I have to strap the bugger down.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sat 28 Oct 2006, 23:32, Reply)

True Story...
Bit of a long one as you have to hear the whole story, it is quite good!

Last summer at the grand old age of 28 and a half (the half isn't really important) I finally got my first girlfriend. She wasn't that attractive but then again I am an ugly bugger so it really didn't matter. We spent a bit of time together getting to know each other and had a little 'fun' and it wasn't going to be too long before we actually did it!! I found out from my mate (who remembered sleeping with her on a drunken night out about three years previously) that she was a bit of a goer!! RESULT!! The little man would finally get some action and she liked it a bit kinky!!

I was due to see her on the weekend as her workshifts didn't allow me to see her for much of that week and on the tuesday I was giving my plums a bit of a scratch and I noticed a lump! Straight up the docs the next day.....the only doc available was a woman!! Great......first person to actually see my little man and knackers was a middle aged GP! Anyways, she didn't like what she felt and saw and an emergency appointment was made at the hospital for an ultrasound! This confirmed every man's worst fears, a possible tumour! No sooner had I got homefrom the hospital following the ultrasound, I had a phonecall from the consultant asking me to go for an emergency appointment the next day to discuss treatment! Worst case scenario again, my left nut had to come off.......This was on the Friday, I was asked to come in on Monday for an orchidectomy (nut removal) on the Tuesday. In light of this news I completely forgot about that weekend's plans.......

Suffice to say, operation went well and I was in no fit state to do anything for quite some time due to the fact that the wound in my groin took an age to heal. I hadn't heard from this girl and it wasn't until my mate came to see me that I actually remembered about her....He asked if we had managed to get it on before the op..........

I rang her and told her about what had happened and that I was getting better and would like to see her again as soon as I was able (bearing in mind this was about 2 weeks after our supposed weekend of doing it). She told me to 'get to fuck' but said that at least i got 11 out of 10 for my excuse as she hadn't heard that one before!!

Denied sex by a cancerous testicle!! What are the chances?

By the way, I am OK now, nearly 30 and still a virgin.....any girls reading this want to pop my cherry?
(jidler changed his name on, Sat 28 Oct 2006, 23:02, Reply)

a bike on the bus route
doesn't quite fit, but its a good story with a happy ending!

as a teenager i used to get two buses home from school. the second route was a little used route by people from my school, but well used by girls from the local all girl comp. it tended to be just me and a small group of girls waiting for the bus.

there was one particular sass pot of a girl who took great pleasure in taunting me, frequently offering herself to me while i went a deep beetroot colour and wished the bus would come.

i used to wonder to myself what would have happened if I had had the balls to turn round and say 'yeah ok right here, right now, lets go!'

anyway, after a while she stopped getting the bus, or so i thought, it turned out tho after talking to one of her little gang that she was off school... having a baby... I guess that answered my question! lol
(the_moodster its hard to be clever and witty in such a small sp, Sat 28 Oct 2006, 22:41, Reply)