I never once complained about the QOTW by making a post about the QOTW.
That would be asinine.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 23:01, 5 replies)

Never once did I
call my grandmother a motherfucker when I got yelled at.

It was my cousin.

I just told him to do it.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 22:58, Reply)

i never got stuck up a tree when i was pissed
i certainly didn't fall out of the tree, snagging my knickers on a branch on the way down.
i didn't get a painful, though very brief, wedgie before said knickers ripped, plummeting me to the ground bare-arsed and winded.
i didn't even go back the next day, to find my tattered snacks still clinging to the offending limb.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:49, 6 replies)

I have never put a cable tie around the handle of a Febreze spray (the Aerosol ones)
Pulled it tight then tossed it into the office of a co-worker.

And thus Maffers did not usher in the new era of inter-office warfare to the people of B3ta.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 19:56, 11 replies)

I AM A FUCKING HERO.
Or I would be if this happened
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

A long time ago I was in the pub, meeting up with my ex-wife/supermodel's dad and new wife. God, she was such a fucking WHORE BITCH, first thing she did was undress me with her eyes, next thing was to buy me a drink. I'd already had six cans of spesh by then so I asked the FUCKING WHOREBAG to get me a triple scotch.

Fuck me, they were arseholes. They bought me more drinks and asked me back to their house, by now FUCKING WHORE BITCH was sucking me off with her eyes and it was really fucking annoying, with barely contained rage I accepted.

I'm not going to tell you what happened next but lets just say the FUCKING DICKHEAD FATHER got all shirty and that. After I'd pulled my trousers back up he asked me to "please leave."

As I stood outside on the lawn, swaying, red-faced and screaming YOUFUCKINGSHITWHORECUNT, I swore I would have my revenge.

AND I DID.

Through many improbable and un-specified means I gained entry to their house and played a few light-hearted japes on them. JUST TO SHOW THEM WHO THE FUCK THE BOSS IS!!111!1!1!!!!

1) I bitch-punched a goat to death in their basement and hung its intestines like FUCKING BUNTING.

2) Made copies of their keys and posted them to every address in the WORLD, so any fucker could come round and do what they liked.

3) I shat in their boiler 384 times. HAVE FUN WASHING YOUR HANDS BITCHES.

4) Rigged their shower so it would spray blue dye over them. I admit, I may have watched Private Benjamin a few times. GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THAT YOU NONCE?!?!?

5) Put cobras in all the radiators, hungry cobras with FUCKINGWHORECUNT sprayed on them with cobra blood. Have fun regulating your heating now! LOLOLOLOLOLOL ROFL.

6) Repeatedly fired an Elephant gun at the mains water system, so it would leak and no-one would know why.

7) Placed paintpots filled with acid above every door in the house, leaving the doors slightly ajar. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT YOU CUNTS.

8) Squashed kebabs into every light fitting in the house. Filled every wall cavity with Kebabs, fuck I even shoved kebabs up their eldest daughter while she was asleep.

9) Took all the taps out the house and replaced them with knobs I tore off children's corpses in the local morgue. SO EVERYONE IN THAT HOUSE IS A NECRO-NONCE.

10) Fill every lock in the house with fire ants. Real fucking angry fire ants. I told those fire ants that THEFUCKINGBITCHWHORE hated ants and always called ants GAYS.

and the one that clinched the deal...

11) Re-programmed a sky satellite to only spew out low grade Albanian porn to the house before firing A DEATH LASER at them.

as it turned out they were SO FUCKING STUPID they didn't even realise what happened. THEFUCKINGWHOREBAG cried every night, and the FUCKING DICKHEAD FATHER had a massive heart attack, brought on by cobra venom.

THAT'LL FUCKING TEACH HIM TO TELL ME TO GET OUT OF HIS HOUSE FOR TRYING TO GIVE HIS FUCKINGBITCHWHORE WIFE WHAT SHE SO CLEARLY WANTED!!111!!111!!11!!!!!

if you think I am a cunt then click "I like this"

I'M NOT A CUNT THOUGH CAUSE THIS WAS A WHILE AGO AND I WENT ON A ROLLERCOASTER AT ALTON TOWERS AND HAVE GROWN 1 INCH SINCE THEN.

FUCK YOU ALL YOU CUNTS.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 19:20, 113 replies)

when I make pasta sauce for dinner party friends, I definitely don't peel the olives in my mouth and spit them into the sauce
even though this method is by far the quickest way of turning whole olives into chopped olives
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 18:50, 10 replies)

i didnt make any money from this
some one should do a t shirt with this thread on it \/
www.b3ta.com/questions/notme/post1355700#answers-post-1356758
along with the phrase
i survived the great b3ta thread rush although i came out with no self respect and no friends although my defense took a beating
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 18:14, Reply)

I definitely did NOT
Tell the gag about the vasectomy, the careless nurse and the pickled onions in a bar full of people in Evesham, in 1982.

It also transpires that the bar didn't go completely quiet, nor that the pub manager's non-existent difficulty walking was not caused by him not having had a vasectomy the day before
(BoredWitless, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 17:45, Reply)

All these negative statements,
don't make this week's qotw answers hard to read, at all. Oh, no.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 17:21, 1 reply)

Work Christmas Party
I did not go and comfort the secretary when she and her husband had a blazing row and he stormed out.

I certainly did not snog her in full view of everyone and we did not get a taxi back to my place for naughties.

Finally her husband was not waiting outside for me when I left work the next day.
( Vambo, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 17:11, Reply)

I didn't
Smoke weed in my bedroom and then blame it on my best friend when my parents smelt it in the air. I didn't claim that he had just climbed out the window when they turned up and smelt it. I didn't keep that secret until I was in my early 30's when he was going out with my sister. I definitely didn't still try to keep the reason they didn't like him a secret that day.

But most importantly, I didn't ever give anyone on B3ta a hard time for telling a crap story based on the plot of an episode of a famous TV show.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 16:16, Reply)

I stole a travel towel from a one armed man.
Don't judge me, there's more of me to dry.
(kidcamel is due to call your mum at, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 15:46, Reply)

I did not
have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.

--Bill Clinton
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 15:39, 10 replies)

Mum,
I normally hate when people just say "'nuff said'" but in this case, Nuff Said.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 15:14, 12 replies)

I'm not gay like my friends think, and I am not in denial. Its pronounced Daniel.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 15:12, 1 reply)

When I was 13
I accidently hit a 3 year old child in the face with a cricket bat as hard as I could playing cricket on the beach, I really wish that had never happened, There was blood everywhere and I later found out I had broken his nose when I phoned the hospital. I felt so guilty even though it was an accident, but the worst part is that his dad was huge so when he came to tell me off I ran away...
( Glovington, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 14:36, 5 replies)

Lofty attitude
I most certainly did not sneakily investigate the attic of my brand-new student flat, which had been finished one week previously and still smelt of paint. This sneaky non-investigation did not then result in my slipping and almost putting my foot through the ceiling, leaving a thoroughly non-visible dent that caused the Senior Accommodation Officer to not complain about the shoddy worksmanship when he didn't inspect the flat the following day. No. Not at all.
( .Yeti., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 13:11, Reply)

venison in a red wine sauce
I didn't stay, at the expense of a theatre scenery company, in a swanky hotel after a regular 72 hour 'get in' and have an evening meal of venison, in a red wine sauce, with a full bottle of red wine all to myself, cos the miserable geezers with me only drank half a pint of bitter, with a whiskey chaser, otherwise known as a hoff.
I just about managed to eat and drink my evening through, when just after my last gulp of wine, my plate was suddenly refilled. Straight from my stomach. Yes, I'd managed to spew the meal back up, and onto the plate, with a little more jus than it had before.
The waitress was ever so impressed, and complained to my chums that I'd had too much to drink. Mono, bless him, he was deaf in one ear, and has since passed away, said it was not due to my excesses, but down to the chefs dodgy cooking.
We were not banned from that hotel ever again.
(lordy lordy, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 12:38, 1 reply)

It definitely was not me who
did a toxic guff in the darkroom where I worked the morning after a night drinking guiness, and it defintely WAS the smell of stagnant water in the tank we were moving.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 12:13, Reply)

Killer sex
I did not, as a very young, very stupid Kila, have a torrid affair with a man twice my age, and said man was not a known dealer of some substances requiring behaviour commonly known as “packing heat,” and I did not, as said very young and stupid Kila, drama queen and decide that it was a brilliant idea to make him jealous by chumming up to an acquaintance at a party until I was quite drunk, and let this said other man drive me home in my car.

And I did not shag said man in my flatmate’s satin- sheeted bed. And I certainly did not awake early with said “other man” to older man pounding on front door threatening to break it down. And I did not open door, beg older man to come into my otherwise empty bedroom as some sort of proof that no shagging had taken place.

And then, I did not, in horror, realize that “packing heat” was not just a category of behaviour but actual behaviour, of said older man. And I did not grab and lock said heat in my trunk, which is definitely not a euphemism for sex, so that I could then drive the other man home.

And I did not pretend everything was fine, for weeks, until I finally broke down and told a mutual friend that “other man” would have gotten shot that morning and THAT was why I was not going to see him again.

And I did not stupidly decide that that the real reason I wasn’t going to see other man again was that he was so awful in bed that it was not worth the bother!
( kila is reading clocks upside-down as usual, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 12:12, Reply)

Sorry to my mates mum
Was staying at a mates house once...his mum was out

While there I definitely didn't shag the obese girl who was there...it definitely wasn't in his mums bed, and after not coming on her quilt I most certainly didn't hide my pool of man juice with one of those fancy decorative cushions before wiping my balls on his mums pillow...

Sorry
(welshy1982, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 11:27, Reply)

It didn't happen.
I'm not on holidays in my parents in law. On top of this I didn't have a spluff cream (Wet dream) last night. Subsequently I did not hide spluff pj's in the bin outside to save my red face. Thrifty mother in law (who has no english), then didn't find said unsaid pyjamas and declare them to be too good to throw out.

She has not washed them and decided they're a great fit and has caused me great secret embarassment and my wife great mirth.

Also after not seeing the Inbetweeners movie and hearing feed the pony I did not overuse this comment in the presence of my wife who retaliated with "feed my mothers pony" not leaving me with two uncomfortable images to process.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 11:25, Reply)

My dope stash
I used to hide it, as a teenager, in a Golden Virginia tin on top of the wardrobe in my bedroom. One day I opened the tin with the intention of rolling a joint and, to my horror, found it empty.

Someone had lifted my stash but it's not exactly the thing you can confront your parents with!

Years later my niece, who was 8 years old at the time of the disappearance, admitted to me she had found my dope and taken it away to 'save me' from myself. She took it to her house and hid it in her bedroom. Where it was subsequently found by her mother (my sister.)

She took the rap for it.

Bless her!
( Slippery Jim Seeking a psychotic lady for fun & sex & crime., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 8:34, 3 replies)

Welshy1982 just reminded me.
I didn't have a wank on a transatlantic flight. I didn't do it sat in my seat under the blanket. I didn't use the butter from my dinner as lube, and I certainly didn't drop my cummy napkin onto the tray of stewardess as she came around collecting rubbish.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 6:18, 7 replies)

I never have, and indeed never will wipe my cock on the curtains.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 6:12, 4 replies)

Bit of a wierd one
I never used to bring spiders inside the house( and i wasn't under the impression they would eat wasps) despite my mother being aracnophobic.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 2:04, Reply)

Too much blood.
I woke up late and shaved too fast. I cut my lip. Well, did that sideways slice with the Mach 3 move that hurts worse than childbirth. Undeterred, I rammed Andrex onto the new pulsing lip-slit and sucked down some Cheerios which were nevertheless lubricated by enough escaping blood to taste like oaty menstrual grommets.

In a hurry I rode me trusty Yam 600 to work at high speed, and arrived twenty minutes late. I took off my helmet and a thrill of disgust ran round the staring office. The blood from my chimp-fingered shaving had continued to flow during the ride. Speeds in excess of 90 mph and open lid vents had caused the gushing blood to smear around my clock like a dirty protest from someone with burst haemorrhoids.

Quick as a sharp nine-pin tack I said I'd had my visor up and had been hit square in the mush by a piece of metal flung up from the road by a lorry in front of me.

I got commiserated with and immediately sent home on a wave of goodwill because of my lie. I spent the day on a sofa watching a box set of Peep Show and probing the finally-forming scab with my tongue. Soothing Cookie Dough ice cream may have been involved too, whilst peering at the episode with the burnt dog.

I lied on the day but can't lie to you now. This occurred. And it taught me that self-harm, even if inflicted accidentally, is always the right choice.
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 1:10, 7 replies)

Train travel...
I didnt have a wank on the train between Cardiff and Shrewsbury...

I didnt do that 3 times in one journey
(welshy1982, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 1:04, 3 replies)

Server Room Fart
As a database admin, I have to add and amend views on the SQL server from time to time.

Normally I do this remotely on the server, but on one occasion the remote desktop was down. I went into the server room which happens to be blessed with it's own air con system.

After adding a new view I took advantage of the air con to download a filthy smelling fart that went on and on.

Fart completed I exited and locked the door.

I had barely sat down at my desk when an IT Assistant arrived and entered the server room.

He recoiled out of the door as if he had been punched in face! Much swearing about a smelly fucking bastard etc.

Me? I just sat there quietly sniggering!

No it was not me....
( Vambo, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 23:24, Reply)