It might look like
a witty, amusing and pithy reply to the qotw, but it certainly isn't.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 7:39, Reply)

"No honey, my glasses fell down her blouse."
"No dear, they are not on my face."
"No dear, you are clearly seeing things, stick your hand down her shirt, get my glasses, put them on, then tell me I'm still wearing them."
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 6:10, Reply)

I was talking up this ugly girl with big breasteses.
And my friends saw me, I told them she was my sister's friend and was being polite.


Deep down inside I knew they knew otherwise, really good friends there.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 6:08, Reply)

It LOOKS tiny
But really it's huge, it's just the light I swear.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 6:05, 2 replies)

Slight pearoast
I was but a young copyboy, the editor's PA was a glamazon body builder type, quite hot in that "capable of fucking you to death, probably literally" superwoman way.
She'd been at the gym (as usual) and had strained a muscle and asked for me to help stretch it.
Who was I to say no?
So we're in his office (he was out, supposedly for hours), she was up against the wall, I was facing her with her leg in my hands, her skirt was hitched up and I was pushing her foot up over her head to stretch the muscle.
And in he walked.
He took one look, said nothing, walked out again.
( difficultchild, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 4:59, 2 replies)

My wife and I went camping a few weeks ago.
We were in a local park that has a campground in it, and had set up our camper in a very nice site. It was starting to get cold at that point, so it was our last trip of the season.

We had a number of friends that we had social obligations to, so we had the inspiration of inviting them all out to the campsite to sit around a fire and eat chili and have a social evening. I had brought some beer and wine, and had a load of candles that I was going to set out to illuminate our campsite. For shades I had a load of old wine bottles that I had cut the bottoms off of, and set them all around- on the table, along the path to the road so people could find the bathroom, and a couple around the camper as well.

The night went very nicely, very cool without being truly cold and a roaring fire to keep the cold at bay, and the chili was perfect for the occasion. Everyone stayed until about 9:30, then left before the park curfew as they were supposed to do.

The following morning at about 8 I woke up when someone knocked hard on our door. I sat up, confused. "Yeah?"

"Park ranger. I need to talk to you."

I pulled on my clothes and stepped outside to see a very angry looking man in a uniform. "Hi, what's wrong?"

He glared at me. "The park regulations are that any alcohol that you have is to be kept in your trailer and not be visible. I could arrest you right now."

I was rather taken aback. Looking around I saw an empty wine bottle and a small bottle of vodka sitting out, but the beer bottles had been put back in their case and were not visible. All that was really on the table were some dirty plates and the end of a loaf of bread and the ladle for the chili. Why was he so mad? I wasn't going to argue, though. "Okay, no problem, I'll clean up the table. Sorry, I wasn't aware of the rule- I thought alcohol was allowed."

He gestured around. "Any kid could come by on a bike and grab a bottle when you're not looking. It has to be secured in your car or your camper."

"Oh. Okay, I'll take care of it."

"Good. I'll be back in a little bit." And he stalked off to his truck.

Ten minutes later I had everything sorted and most of it packed back into the car as we were going to be leaving in a few hours anyway. I told my wife what happened as we cleaned up, and she was puzzled as well over the ranger getting so mad over one wine bottle and the end of a small bottle of vodka with maybe two ounces left in it. He could see that I was clearly not hung over, so what was his problem?

Then I realized how the candle shades must have looked by daylight as he saw about a dozen wine bottles parked all over the campsite...

Whoops.
( Wanderer, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 3:04, Reply)

I was traveling with my daughter.
My daughter is 17 now, but at the time was 16. She had spent the summer with her aunt in another state, working. When she went there I had her older brother ride with her in her car, as I didn't want an inexperienced driver to be going for long stretches of highway on her own, then had him ride home with me. But coming back he wasn't available and neither was anyone else I could line up for that weekend, so I had her follow me closely so I could monitor her.

We got a few hours into the trip when she called me and told me she was getting really tired and sleepy, so I agreed that we could stop overnight. I found a very cheap motel along the interstate and we pulled in at about 7pm.

I signed us in at the registration desk, asking for one room with two beds. The woman behind the counter did so without comment, but was giving me a rather disapproving look as she did so. I was a bit puzzled by this, but really couldn't be bothered to wonder too much about it. As she rather frostily took our info and programmed a couple of key cards I was looking up at the board listing rates, and noticed something. "Hey, kids under 18 can stay for free?"

"Yes," she replied guardedly.

I turned to my daughter. "Show her your license, kid."

The woman looked over the license and instantly her manner thawed greatly and she became quite friendly as she adjusted the price of the room for me, saving about $20. I thanked her and we took our bags to our room, and my daughter got out her pajamas as I went out to get us some food and some beer for me, and when I returned she was snuggled into a bed watching TV.

It wasn't until later that it occurred to me that the woman at the desk had assumed that she wasn't my daughter and was probably on the verge of calling the police.
( Wanderer, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 2:37, 2 replies)

Bring out the gimp
A few weeks ago the police showed up at a party at my place, due to a noise complaint from a neighbour. Being ostensibly responsible for the goings-on, I went outside to talk to the officer. I explained that we were having a party, he politely asked if we could try to keep the noise down a little, and I agreed. It was only after he left that I remembered that I was dressed up, and since the party was Tarantino themed, I was dressed as Butch from Pulp Fiction - after his car crash. Added to this, when he first showed up, the only people standing around outside either weren't in costume, or had copped out and dressed as "Reservoir Dogs" (e.g. just in suits), giving the impression that it wasn't a theme party at all.

So, from the cop's point of view, he would have arrived at some normal-seeming party to deliver a warning for a noise complaint, and had a guy with what appeared to be a freshly broken nose and a face and shirt drenched with sticky, congealing blood calmly walk up, apologise for the noise and assure him that yes, we would turn down the bass and keep the doors shut.

To his credit, he didn't even bat an eye. I guess he'd probably seen enough real broken noses to tell the difference. I was a little miffed, though, as I like to think that my fake blood is pretty realistic.
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 2:24, Reply)

I was tackling a tricky dungeon just now, when the mother-in-law called.
I was completely derailed, and I could tell she thought she'd interrupted some intimate bedroom moment or similar (especially because of the grunts and anguished cries in the background).

Thing is, as I know she'd was probably watching that Panorama documentary on games addiction this evening, I was too embarrassed to admit what I was actually doing.
( Bootsthealchemist is barred from the Masterchef Facebook page, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 1:08, Reply)

Odd sense of humor
You know what its like when you get a group of lads together and they
all try to out gay each other to show off there masculinty ....

What you don't?

Well at work we had that lovely joke of when anybody bent down near
you (to put a glass on a shelf for example) You'd say "whilst your
down there" and then pull down your fly .Que much amusement and merryment by all.

Well on one of these occasions i uttered the line and my work mate
decided it would be a great idea to make the head movement near my
crotch cue me with a big smile and making jokes about how crap he is
at the act .

Then we heard a cough behind us , turns out three other members of
staff ,several customers and the boss where standing there with shock and
awe.

Oh we look back on that day and laugh ..... well at least they do ...
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 0:28, 1 reply)

This question literally just made me have a flashback
I was getting head from my girlfriend in her bed, when her older brother walked in...
The only thing I could do was smile and wave, which only made things worse...
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 0:11, 6 replies)

Video game geek
Ok, so I'm a games geek. A couple of years ago, I was playing a game called "Dead Space". Dead Space is a survival horror game in which dead bodies are re-animated as horrible zombie creatures. The re-animation only works if the body has limbs intact. As a result, I got into the habit of dissmembering any corpses I came across.

About 2/3 of the way in is a huge room of corpses. I worked my way around the room removing limbs from the unfortunate former crew of the space ship. Then I heard a voice behind me. "Mong?" It was my mother. "Is this all you do in this game?" I tried to explain but from the look on my mum's face, she was judging me, and beliving the daily express was right about games.
(Mong goose, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 23:55, 3 replies)

Came home from work to find...
My Mum had popped round and was in the process of reading a delivery note for a parcel that had just been delivered... With my name on it...

Oh the shame! It was full of assorted sex toys. Not the cheeky Anne Summers type toys, proper hardcore perverse stuff.
(Vinnie Strokes Got bummed on, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 23:25, 5 replies)

14 posts in
and it's like the question's already mutated to 'it is what it looks like'. Or rather, 'People seem to have a knack for walking in at just the wrong time'. Does no-one fucking read things properly these days?

Poor chthonic must be wishing he hadn't bothered.
( gingerfreak Why? Why not., Thu 9 Dec 2010, 23:15, 5 replies)

I wish I'd taken the wedding ring off

( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 23:07, Reply)

Cross dressing
In my second year university, I walked back home from a lecture and decided to see how a house mate was I knocked, and entered without waiting for a reply as he was playing music rather loud and his girlfriend was in France.

Entering the room I saw my house mate and his band mate. His band mate looked rather different from normal, he was wearing a blonde wig, a dress and a pair of fake breasts, which my house mate was helping him fasten.


They both looked at me with a mixture of panic and embarasment. My face must have been the very picture of shock and confusion. It took several seconds for us to realise it was nothing seedy, and we were all getting dressed up in silly costumes for a murder mystery party that weekend.
(Mong goose, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 23:05, Reply)

Oh god, and a video
Of me fellating a banana at my sister's wedding. Don't ask!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 9 Dec 2010, 22:44, 5 replies)

I believe that there exists evidence
Of me publicly (and consentually) molesting the cousin of one of my friends in a nightclub...who later revealed that she was in fact fifteen!!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 9 Dec 2010, 22:42, 11 replies)

"What do you want me to take off?"
I asked. "Everything," she breathed back, and then left me in darkness. My heart leapt at the chance. We were just getting into the constant-nudity stage of relationships that comes somewhere after you've just discovered that the both of you have genitals and the mutual fun found in playing with them. I tore my clothes off with reckless abandon, tearing the top button from my shirt in the process. From start to finish, I went from clothed to stark-bollock naked in about three seconds.

In the dark, beneath my covers, I waited for her return. And she came, a minute gone or more, and through the dark I felt her glee at my newfound nudity. Under the covers she crept and her hands ran over me, all over me. If I'd been hard before she came in at just the thought of being naked with her, my cock was so hard now not even diamond would stand a chance of cutting it. I was itching for her to touch it and barely half an inch away from humping her leg - I blamed the thrusting on her hands tickling me. If she felt a bit of the steel flashlight rub itself along her thigh, so be it.

All of a sudden she climbed on top of me. Excitement flared throughout me. A bit of spunk dribbled out of my throbbing bulbous bell-end. If the lights were on my face would've been redder than the swollen, disease-ridden pussy of the hooker that hung down by my local late Friday and Saturday nights.

Down she went below the covers and ...

... started kissing my chest and stomach. That was it. That was all she wanted to do and it's all she was going to do. She asked as she went down. All the excitement gone, off went my hopes for a spontaneous blowjob, and with the revelation all the go went out of my penis and it shrunk like the air being let out of a balloon.

At that moment, my sister walked in with the phone pressed against her head and flipped the light on. It was my mum, who was on the phone for me for whatever reason - something inane, I forget now, because at the time my mind was more concerned with the fact that 1) I was naked, all my clothes splayed out across the floor for my sister - herself a teenager and well aware of the goings-on of couples - to see, 2) my girlfriend was now crouched under the covers and decided she would NOT come out; rather that it would be best to just stay put and complete the illusion, and 3) my sister decided that instead of walking out and pretending she had seen nothing, proceeded to stand there and tell my mum down the phone, "He's getting nooky! Urgh, he's getting nooky!"

I protested that I wasn't, that she should leave, but no, nothing of the sort. She reiterated the nooky sentiment to mum then thrust the phone at me and left, my cock more flaccid than it's ever been in my life and my girlfriend FINALLY deciding to get out from under the fucking covers from kissing my stomach and not giving me the blowjob everyone in my family was soon to be under the assumption I was receiving.

My sister asked my about it some time later. "It wasn't what it looked like," I explained. "She was kissing my stomach." "Yeah right," my sister scoffed, and that was that.

I wish it was what it looked like. At that point, if I had just been walked in on being given my first blowjob, I would've fucking shouted it to my sister, mother and the world. She wouldn't've even had to have walked in on me.

Length? Started off strong but praise ends there.
(ratthingbazzterd, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 22:38, 4 replies)

Did once get caught...
...by my then girlfriend's mum with my tongue sticking out of my mouth.

Admittedly it was deep inside her daughter's nether regions at the time. She exited swiftly (the mother that is) and it was never spoken of again.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 9 Dec 2010, 22:23, 9 replies)

"Oh, Hi Mum"
"Yes, yes, I promised to tap her on the head when I'm about to finish. Ooh, yes, cup of tea would be lovely, thanks."
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 22:21, Reply)

Not what it looks like
The story below. I thought he'd written 'pooped' downstairs.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 22:19, Reply)

I have been the seer rather than the seen on too many occasions.
Witnessing one mate using an Addis kitchen bin for leverage while he rattled around inside one notoriously unhinged young lady. On another occasion I awoke to find my head inches away from another friends pasty white arse doing fifteen to the dozen. Once seen can never be unseen.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 9 Dec 2010, 22:18, Reply)

Not seen, but heard
In my house in my second year at uni I had the noisiest bed known to humankind. It was directly above the lounge. One night I'd been fucking my GF at the time and we popped downstairs to get some drink and I popped my head around the lounge door. The lounge was full of gobsmacked faces- apparently going at it for half an hour was impressive.

Amateurs.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 22:16, 11 replies)

I promised I. ..
Nope, I'm not even going down that route
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 22:12, Reply)

Well, in last weeks question
I made a comment about downloading dwarf amputee beastiality porn over P2P... in all honesty, I'd rather people not know I use P2P.

You know, copyright issues and the like...
(Turtlenuts, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 22:10, 3 replies)

Your mum.
Sorry.
(Span Wang Is in the house, shame it's on fire, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 22:06, Reply)

Third ?

Err, first ?
(Bitter and Twisted, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 22:06, 1 reply)