OK, I've stolen it....
A scientist wants to reduce my body temperature to minus 273 degrees celcius.

My wife says it'll kill me, but I think I'll be 0K.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Does laughing at this joke make me a geek?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 6 May 2009, 17:03, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I am going to Hell
Not Hull, Hell. When I saw the before picture HERE all I could think was "Arseface!" and not in an unkind way. I think Arseface is one of the coolest characters ever.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 6 May 2009, 15:24, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What's your game, then?
If you could only watch one sport ever again, what would it be? My brother would pick Formula One, I've got several mates I know would pick cricket, and a South African who would pick rugby. Personally I like football the best.

How about you?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 6 May 2009, 15:21, 30 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Massive stupidity
Inspired from MrOli's thread below, I saw a comment recently on the Times website on the perils of excessive carbon emissions. The poster lamented the fact that scientists have yet to construct a device which separates carbon dioxide and releases pure oxygen back out into the atmosphere whilst storing the carbon for easy disposal.

What examples of staggering brainlessness have you happened across lately?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 6 May 2009, 15:09, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My friend was raving about his new pillows the other day
And to be fair, they're pretty good - some kind of special foam, very comfy. Might have to invest.

I was already sold on them (In spite of being £30 each - I'll invest heavily in sleep related things) when he slipped in that they were researched and designed by NASA, so you know they're good.

At this point I almost wet myself. Everything, anywhere even slightly "high tech" is sold by mentioning NASA in the same sentence. If NASA invested millions in it, it must be good.

I composed myself and pointed out that the most comfortable place I could think of to sleep would be space - ie zero gravity (Pedants apply here).

What's the most utterly ridiculous advertising claim you've ever come across?
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 6 May 2009, 13:51, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bert MonkeySoft
Who do you want me to bully today?
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Wed 6 May 2009, 13:35, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've made a resolution today...
...to stop whining about QOTWs that aren't to my taste, relevant to my life experiences or just a bit shit like the puns one. See, I'm doing it again :/

I was about to post a whinge in this week's 'turning into my parents' QOTW and then realised: I fucking hate it when folk do this - indeed, I've often be the first with the STFU when another has and now I'm doing it myself. I'm letting my fellow posters down, I'm letting my school down (which if you'd been to my school, you'd know takes some fucking doing) but most of all I'm letting myself down and representing myself as a hypocritical tosser.

So, today I pledge; no more. If I don't like a given QOTW then I'll keep my mouth shut. Retroactive apologies go out to those QOTWs and QOTW choosers whom I've slated in recent weeks. I'm much better now.

To seal this pledge I'll at least try to add something relevant to this week's one, but it'll likely be brief and slightly wank.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Wed 6 May 2009, 13:00, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Based on today's threads
Which do you least want to have to deal with?





( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 6 May 2009, 11:52, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This make me laugh...
Look At This Fuckin Hipster:

www.latfh.com

Know any really cool people?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 6 May 2009, 11:41, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just for Vampyrecat
Happy Winter
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 6 May 2009, 11:29, 33 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I had the best night out in a long time last night.
Went out with some girlfriends to celebrate my best friend's 18th - had tea in a really relaxed "bistro" (was more a pub then anything else), gave her lots of pressies, had stacks of poor quality food and alcohol (I had a Grasshopper - fucking WIN) - meandered slightly (okay more then slightly) drunkenly to the cinemas and watched Wolverine - and fucked off back to said mate's to indulge in a little bit of Stones and lemonade before falling asleep on her couch watching fawlty towers.

Had a hangover this morning, feel tired as hell but fuck it was a good night!

When was your last great night out?
EDIT: gotta love not getting ID'd for alcohol!!
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 6 May 2009, 11:05, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Would crushing ginger in a garlic crusher
be effective?
(TheColonel, Wed 6 May 2009, 10:03, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Jacqui Smith finds time for controversy once again
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8035002.stm

The cost will be £60 each for something very few people actually want.

Isn't it high time she got the boot? Or should we make her read all our email correspondence first?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 6 May 2009, 10:02, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tech Help!
Anyone know if I can make a playlist in Windows Media, use the crossfade facility and save as a single file? (So I can burn a mix to disc and still have the tracks crossfade?)

Failing that, any advice on free software that will do the trick?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 6 May 2009, 9:47, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Filthy foreigners
So Stupid Woman at work has got on a new bandwagon (tricky since she'd already got on her high horse).

In a couple of weeks time she, along with several other parents of kids at her school, will be hosting a group of Chilean exchange students. Now she's worried about them infecting her kids with Swine Flu. Having finally been convinced that we're not all going to die, she's come up with another reason this is terrible: her kids have exams coming up which they might miss if they get flu. She can't understand why the other parents aren't as panicky and xenophobic as she is (although she calls it "concerned").

I pointed out:

Suspected cases of swine flu in the UK: 1
Confirmed cases of swine flu in the UK: 33
Suspected cases of swine flu in Chile: 0
Confirmed cases of swine flu in Chile: 0

which might explain it. If anyone's being subjected to increased risk of Swine Flu it's the Chileans.

What was your last encounter with a Daily Mail reader?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 6 May 2009, 9:44, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Aaaaawwwww!
This morning (before 7.00) I let the cats out and went off to open up the chickens. The cats ran straight into the greenhouse and found a female blackbird (they're brown oddly enough) and began to toy with it as cats are wont to do. I chased the cats away and attempted to retrieve the bird. After some faffing about involving both fur and feathers I managed to pick the tiny bird up in my hand (holding down the wings firmly and with the beak facing away from me). She squawked as did her mate - he was nearby sending off the alarm to the resident avian population. I put her on top of a high fence post (well over 6ft), she shook herself and then.....flew off.

For the next hour or so I had the biggest grin on my face possible.

So, today tell us what has made you smile.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 6 May 2009, 9:36, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I work on a taxi desk
and take up to three hundred calls a shift.

For the past couple of days, I've had a lad calling for prices from Hogwarts, or trying to order pizzas. Yesterday, his female companion told me she'd just had the best sex ever.

While it's going a break from the monotony, I'm running out of comebacks.

So please, loverly Off Topicers, tell me how to deal with these amusing cranks.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 6 May 2009, 9:34, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

OK. Let's try this again. Are you a mutant?
After yesterday's kerfuffle caused by one of my examples that took over the thread like a cancer (and sprouted three separate threads) overshadowed the original thread, I thought I'd make another crack at this question, but this time without the distraction of my mind-bleach inducing example.

So do you have any anatomical quirks - be they hindrances or something you find comes in handy - that make you think your body isn't quite normal?

In my case, I have ears that don't seem to fit standard-issue iPod earphones (they keep falling out unless I spend ages adjusting them, whereas others can manage to fit them comfortably and with ease).

What makes you a freak of Nature?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 6 May 2009, 9:27, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

International No-Diet day
Today (May 6th) is International No-Diet Day. This is a protest against the tyranny of weight obsession that plagues our culture. Just thought I'd let you all know.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 6 May 2009, 9:21, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Today
I will be sat in a meeting I know nothing about taking minutes whilst my boss makes excuses about why she hasn't done anything about anything and probably try and pass the blame on to us.

She is also taking the whole department in with her so there will be no one to answer the phone or deal with anything.

Tell me of your grossy incompetent bosses. Or if you're unemployed you can talk about what you had for lunch.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 6 May 2009, 9:15, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Good Morning b3tans!
I have a request!

Can anyone please help me in finding a decent video editing software. The key thing is that it needs to be able to deal with mp4 files, as well as your standard avi & mpeg, etc.

Any help will be much appreciated!

EDIT: Does not have to be freeware.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 6 May 2009, 9:08, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Anyone going to any festivals this summer?
As it's May, windy and raining, quite obviously festival season has begun. I've just received my tickets for Bloodstock Open Air in august, but are any other B3tans doing any festivals this year?
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Wed 6 May 2009, 8:41, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cro(w)atia, pt. 2
For the two people millions of adoring fans waiting for part 2, I enclose the second day of my trip to Croatia.
(Part 1 is here: www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post415336)
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 5 May 2009, 23:24, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm not that fond..
Of Horses or Kittens.

Is there someone I can see to right this terrible wrong?

Mullered.
(Who likes dogs)
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 5 May 2009, 22:08, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

They're coming to take me away!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnzHtm1jhL4
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Tue 5 May 2009, 21:14, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Buying a house is not stressful
oh no

not at all

Went to see my solicitor today to see how its progressing, as the Mortgage gumfth had been sent out and the house had been checked, we are cooking and eager to move in before the beer festival starts, wheee.

slight problem says the solicitor

Remarkably, the housing association and the sureveyors had such a monumental clusterfuck of incompetance they managed to survey the wrong fucking apartment, genius!!! now the whole thing starts again.

Im still quite calm about the whole thing which is scaring almost everyone around me
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 5 May 2009, 21:08, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Randomness
I'm having a random evening.

After two years of not seeing or having any contact whatsoever with my ex-wife (the 16-day marriage (referenced previously here due to secrets / items unshared etc), not the seven-year one) I saw her again when we were both waiting for the same thing. I didn't try to talk to her for no other reason than that I was tongue tied and didn't know what to say without sounding like a complete and total ass.

So here's the problem / question for the off-topicy community.

She has (objectively) caused me vast amounts of pain (emotional and physical) and loss (material - around GBP34K by a conservative estimate) in the past two years but by the same token seeing her again made me realise that even though I'm on some serious medications (300mg / daily of venlafaxine) and even though I've been working hard to try to forget her - I'm *still* crazy about her and I love her with all of my heart and my soul.

Blast and damn it.

So, mes ami, here's the question courtesy of SurveyMonkey.

Click Here to take survey
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Tue 5 May 2009, 21:07, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Crow in Cro(w)atia
I thought I'd indulge my fucking enormous, bloated ego creative side and write up my lone holiday as a short little retrospective whilst jerking off in the mirror to my own dragged-up, makeup-slathered reflection. I'll try to keep it entertaining. Monday's events are in the reply. If people think it's any good I'll add the other days.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 5 May 2009, 19:27, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm bored and it's been a while since we had a poll.
What do you crave right now?


( girlinthehole, Tue 5 May 2009, 18:43, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I love horses
Tonight I ate horse sashimi (raw horse). 'orrible shite!
(knackerz is skinning up, Tue 5 May 2009, 17:58, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)