So what are you doing with your Monday night?
If it's shit, make something up.

ALT Q: tell me a joke involving some kind of animal. If I haven't heard it before you win my respect.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:07, 95 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I'm going to probably be playing World of Warcraft
inside an active volcano.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:08, Reply)

have you bought the new one?
Is it as awesome as the guy with the deep voice on the ad makes it sound? It's annoying that you have to buy the original Curse of the Lion King one before you can get the new one.

Not that I'm going to do either of those things.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:09, Reply)

I haven't got the new one yet.
I've just got to burning crusade stuff then I've got to go through wrath of the lich king stuff then I'll buy it. So a couple of weeks at least.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:11, Reply)

that's what I meant, wrath of the lynch pin.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:12, Reply)

I'm not defensive about WoW
you should stick to trying to wind me up about BSG
(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:13, Reply)

fine.
y'know that guy that looks like Jesus in the show? When he was hallucinating about that blonde bird 7 x 9 was she a cylar or was she dead or something?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:18, Reply)

She's a cylar and they can't really die they get resurrected and their memories go into a new body.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:21, Reply)

so did her memories go into Jesus?
did that make him a celeron as well? Or like a celeron/human hybrid who, if struck down, would become more powerful than you could possibly imagine?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:27, Reply)

I've just been invited to dinner now
so fuck you I'm not WoWing alone anymore.

It's not at all like that kitty, I think you're misunderstanding a number of concepts in the show.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:30, Reply)

She was sort of dalek type thing
but they are made to be hot, rather than cylindrical and bad tempered.
( Kroney, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:23, Reply)

could she not climb stairs?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:26, Reply)

Only one of her legs worked
so she walked round in circles
(Bazongaloid, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:27, Reply)

I'm off to a pub quiz, supposedly it's gone shit, so we might win!
Alt: What should you do if an elephant comes through your window?
Swim for your life!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:09, Reply)

ewww
I've heard that one. Nil points.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:13, Reply)

Ok then, if that disgusts you, I'll have to go worse
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Suck it's cock.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:19, Reply)

I just involuntarily made an 'eurgh' face.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:28, Reply)

Can we make it worse?
A young son goes to his father one day, and says "Dad, what's a pussy?"

His Dad, whilst taken aback, thinks he should be honest, scoops his son up onto his knee, and says "That's another name for a vagina, son. It's what women have down there"

"Oh, I see" says the son "...what do they look like?"

The father smiles at his son's inquisitive mind, and replies "Well son, they're like the most delicate flower, something so exquisite they look like God himself reached down and created the most perfect thing for a man to appreciate. Well, before sex anyway."

The son, happy with his father's answer, jumps down from his knee, and goes back to play. Before he reaches the door, he turns and says "Dad, if that's what a pus-...vagina looks like before sex, what does it look like afterwards?"

His father's face falls, he turns to his son with a look of sadness, and replies "Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating porridge?"

/long version but I don't care.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:42, Reply)

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other:
"you man the gun and I'll drive"
(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:09, Reply)

new variation on a classic, acceptable

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:13, Reply)

I'm going to be seeing Kunt and the Gang
tomorrow night though, that's more exciting.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:15, Reply)

He performed in the pub I'm teaching in tonight
it was just cringeworthy.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:17, Reply)

Yeah, I'm not looking forward to it that much,
but hey swearing is cool.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:18, Reply)

I stayed for a few minutes but then I just felt sorry for the guy

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:19, Reply)

Dinner with berk
before her presentation tomorrow, then watching Zombieland with friends and some wine.

Alt Q: (a much trimmed joke) An Englishman and a Welshman are both arguing over whose culture is more advanced. After debate ranging from food to football, the Welshman triumphantly declares 'we were the first ones to use sheep's gall-bladders as condoms!' The reply of course is 'we were the first to think of taking them out of the sheep'

It has an animal in it
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:10, Reply)

I got excited and thought that was a date until I saw it was you who wrote it.
I've never heard that joke, points to you!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:14, Reply)

It could be a date
It could be a nork date
(Bazongaloid, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:22, Reply)

I get the feeling
that this is the subject of much wishing
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 17:02, Reply)

Celebrating!
And out-smugging Vipros. My and wife and I are now house-owners, the mortgage is paid off and we've got pennies left over. Huzzah I say, HUZZAH!
Cracking open a cold one shortly.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:11, Reply)

I forgot I didn't like you
and it's just this sort of thing that does it!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:14, Reply)

Well done Porky.
Please send me some left over money.

I'm not poor, I just like money.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:20, Reply)

BLAIREAU?? IS THAT YOU???

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 17:12, Reply)

Helloooo
Congratulations!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 17:13, Reply)

Thank you!
I'm feeling so domesticated that I chopped all the firewood and did the hoovering. Proper wife stuff. The thrill has worn off now.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 17:18, Reply)

Taking Daughter to her friends 13th birthday party. It's fancy dress and being held in a bar which makes her feel very grown up.
I went to a place last week to look at some animals, but when I got there they only had one small dog.

It was a shihtzu.
(Cave Duck, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:11, Reply)

Q) What do you call 4 dogs and a black bird?
Original A) the spice girls
Alt A) A really shit zoo.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:13, Reply)

ha I like that one

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:15, Reply)

you should totally click it then
so I can be top of /talk and /offtopic at the same time as I fucking love that.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:20, Reply)

I like the way you shoehorned that in there
(that's not what she said. That's never what she said)

I'm off to pole now, talk amongst yourselves!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:29, Reply)

heard it but it's funny so partial credit

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:14, Reply)

Finishing another assignment.
Whilst watching Arsenal lose heavily.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:13, Reply)

assignment?
is that a euphamism for stealing?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:16, Reply)

I don't know.
I have no idea what a euphamism is.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:19, Reply)

You should steal a dictionary
and then lend it to Kitty
(Bazongaloid, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:24, Reply)

I don't need no dikshunerry.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:29, Reply)

Going to the pub. (Again.)
Alt: A chap is taking two small dogs for a walk. An old woman stops him on the way and exclaims,
"Oh, what lovely dogs! Are those Jack Russells?"
To which he replies,
"No, they're mine."
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:14, Reply)

haha
I've never heard that
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Good
Because the only other one I can think of right now is a lot longer and a lot dirtier.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:18, Reply)

I like them long and dirty
fnar
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:20, Reply)

Very well.
New in town, Terry is enjoying a quiet pint in his new local when he spots a jar full of £10 notes on the bar.
"Do you really make that much in tips?" He asks the landlord.
"Oh, that's not tips. They're...well, bets, I suppose," the landlord replies.
"Bets on what?"
"You wager a tenner, and you can win the contents of the jar if you can pass three challenges:
1. You must drink a pint of pepper tequila.
2. There's a Rottweiler out the back of the pub with a rotten tooth. Vet won't go near it. You must remove that tooth from the dog.
3. My great aunt's upstairs. She's a very old lady but has never had an orgasm. You must give her one."
Terry is, understandably, appalled by this challenge. And even more appalled by the number of men who have clearly lost £10 trying to rise to such a challenge.

But alcohol removes such inhibitions, and the jar becomes more and more alluring as his glass empties. Draining another pint, he slaps £10 on the table and proffers his pint glass to the landlord.
"Fill 'er up."
The landlord raises an eyebrow, but it's clear from his expression that Terry's not joking. He reaches for the bottle.

Terry drains the pint of pepper tequila, his throat screaming in protest, but his heart set on that huge jar of legal tender. Shuddering as he swallows the last of it, he barks in triumph at the landlord,
"Right! Where's the dog?"
The landlord shows him to the back door of the pub and beckons towards a kennel before shutting the door behind him.

There are shouts. There are screams. There is growling, yapping, frenzied barking, then eventually...silence. Everybody in the pub has fallen deathly quiet, awaiting the outcome of this terrible challenge. After a minute, they hear footsteps. As the steps get closer, they hear the ragged sounds of a man panting and a knock on the door.

The landlord opens the door, and Terry, bloodied and battered but triumphant, staggers back into the bar.
"Right..." he gasps between hoarse breaths, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:32, Reply)

I love this joke

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:36, Reply)

A Yorkshireman goes into the vets.
"Ey up Vitnary, I want me cat neutering"

Vet: " I presume it's a tom"

"Nay I brought it wi' me"
(Cave Duck, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:17, Reply)

I liked this one
but I read 'vitnary' in a New Zealand accent by mistake.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:23, Reply)

Why can't you find painkillers in the jungle?
Because parrots eat 'em all.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:18, Reply)

oh come on, that's from a kids book!

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:22, Reply)

it is?

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:29, Reply)

lugging a load of clothes and the dog over to my parents, washing the clothes there, eating dinner, woo such fun
alt: why do birds fly south?
because it's too far to walk
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:19, Reply)

ahh a classic!
stick the dog in with the clothes, see if you can get him washed
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:23, Reply)

really? I've never heard it
stole it from a joke website :)

she DOES need to be washed, but I'm afraid the washing soap might make her sick x
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:24, Reply)

Our dog used to hate being washed
she looked really miserable when you made her get in the bath.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:30, Reply)

yeah, she hates it, always looks like she's recieved the worst punishment in the world
she rarely licks me, but when she's in the bath she licks all over my hands and arms
think she's sucking up
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:43, Reply)

I used head and shoulders on my dog
she smelled beautiful afterwards.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:30, Reply)

I may just take her out back and hose her down

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:41, Reply)

that's what I did to Al's mum
she fucking loved it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:49, Reply)

Oh, just thought of another:
There was a brummie elephant. His parents had emigrated from Kenya, and as he got older he became curious about his roots. So, he went to the local library and did some digging around to learn about his genealogy. Unsurprisingly there wasn't much information in the libraries of Birmingham, so he decided the best course of action was to go back his parents' country and find out for himself.

After arriving in Kenya, he travelled to the area they had come from. Alas, when he got there all he found was an enormous elephant graveyard. The bones of elephants lay scattered amongst the decaying corpses of those that had recently died.

Already upset and unnerved, the brummie elephant was quite alarmed when the graveyard-keeper - an enormous, aged bull elephant - loomed into view and addressed him.
"Greetings," the keeper said, "have you come here to die?"
The brummie elephant replied,
"No, I come 'ere yesterday."
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:22, Reply)

I love this so much

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:24, Reply)

hanging a door
eating Moroccan chicken
playing Goldeneye
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:22, Reply)

is it the new Wii Goldeneye?
Is it good? I don't know why I'm asking, I couldn't play the first one, it was too hard.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:25, Reply)

to answer both you and AA
it's great.

The only drawback with using the Wiimote is that it's slow to turn completely around.

Other than that, the gameplay is almost exactly the same as the old one with the added benefit of better button layout and waving the nunchuck to hit people with your gun.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:28, Reply)

I'm buying my brother it for Christmas
Thank fuck he asked for it, I would never have known he wanted it.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:44, Reply)

it's good fun
the multiplayer bit is pretty much exactly like the old one, with easier looking up and down. You can lean round corners and stuff which is quite cool.

The controls are really customisable which takes a while, but is well worth doing.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:46, Reply)

The melee thing freaks me out a bit, but it does look alright
Just seems like another game that didn't need changing when it was remade, like T(W)omb Raider
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:48, Reply)

it's hardly been changed at all
there are a few new elements, but it's barely changed, other than making use of the new controllers, which it does well.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:52, Reply)

The real Goldeneye?
Or this fake new version?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:25, Reply)

Another for the Alt
An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like."

An English man gives it a guitar, it plays better than Jimmy Hendrix.
An Irish man points to the piano, it plays better than Elton John.
A Scottish man throws it a set of bagpipes.

The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says "What's wrong, can ye no play it?"

The octopus says "Play it? I'm going to fuck her brains out once I get her pajamas off!!"
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:23, Reply)

this was new, I'll give you that

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:25, Reply)

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:25, Reply)

I'm going to wrap the Christmas pressies I bought today.
Alt:

What do you do if you've got an Islamic dog?
Muzzle-him
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:24, Reply)

I don't get it.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:26, Reply)

Muzzle-him sounds a bit like Muslim.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:29, Reply)

You forgot to say "It's funny because..."

(Bazongaloid, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:32, Reply)

I'm venturing North over my new favourite bridge.
What did the dog say when it fell over on the sandpaper?
RUFF!

/leaves, quickly
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:32, Reply)

What's your favourite bridge?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:41, Reply)

Lambeth
I'm fucking sick of Waterloo Bridge. I do have major love for London Bridge, though.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:42, Reply)

The bridge of sighs?
To rest her eyes in shades of green?

/Fucking love that song
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:46, Reply)

One of the best bands ever.
Tin Soldier is an even better tune.

And if you've never heard their version of You Need Lovin' you should do, then shake your head at the cheek of Led Zeppelin and their Page/Plant songwriting credits...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 17:15, Reply)

Itchycoo Park is the only one I'm aware I know
But I shall give them a go later on
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 17:16, Reply)

Christ, it's the same song, isn't it?
Admittedly theirs bears more resemblance to original Willie Dixon/Muddy Waters recording, but then I've always thought Page's guitar riff was overrated as it is.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 17:24, Reply)

Ilike the one in Italian Restaurant by Billy Joel.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 13 Dec 2010, 17:06, Reply)

Perhaps a bottle of Rosé instead?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 17:14, Reply)

Another Yorksheer tale.
My dad was leading a walk in Yorksheer and came across a farmer holding a sheep up by it's front legs with it's back to him. My dad asked if he was going to be shearing. The farmer told him to "fuck off and get thee own."
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:37, Reply)

Anyway.
Jeff was fucking this collie and a bloke walked past and said "Urgh that's disgusting how low can you get."
The collie said "Sorry."
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:39, Reply)

A man goes into a jewellers in Yorkshire
and explains that he'd like a small gold pendant made in the shape of a dog.

"Aye, shud be fine, that", says the jeweller.

"Can I have it eighteen carat?" asks the man.

"Well, I can do what tha' want, but most folk'd 'av 'im chewin' a bone"


/sorry. That was awful.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 13 Dec 2010, 16:58, Reply)

Pizza, sleep and poker at the 50p/£1 stakes
In roughly that order.


Alt: In a remote pub in India, the landlord had an Elephant that he kept out back and used for moving the barrels. He had a challenge related to the Elephant - anyone who could make the Elephant laugh would win free beer for life.

Years passed, and no-one could make it laugh. The challenge became quite famous, and comedians from all over the world travelled to this far-flung corner of India to try and make the Elephant laugh. None of them succeeded. One day, a stranger wandered into the pub and asked where the Elephant was, so he could take up the challenge. The barman took him outside saying "You'll never do it" before returning to his place at the bar.

Five minutes later, the stranger returned. "Have you given up so quickly?" asked the barman with a sneer. The stranger pointed wordlessly outside, to where the Elephant was laughing like it had just seen Amorous badger slip on a banana skin and fall into a skip.

"How did you do that?!" asked the amazed barman. "That's not all" replied the stranger. He walked outside and was back again in under five minutes. The astounded barman looked outside again, to where the Elephant was sobbing it's heart out on the ground.

"This is incredible" said the barman. "I've seen poets and playwrights, comedians and geniuses try to get a laugh out of that animal, and not one got even a flicker of an eyelid! What's your secret?"

The stranger replied "The first time, I told him I had a bigger cock than he did".

"The second time, I proved it."
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 17:02, Reply)

How long should I spend applying for a good job?
That I'm probably not going to get?
(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 17:08, Reply)

Some of us are still at bloody work
Admittedly because I had a long lunch, and I've another one lined up for tomorrow, and Thursday, so I need the time. But still. :(

Alt Q: How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 18:03, Reply)