dirty and ashamed?
are you wearing it or fucking it?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:23, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

I fucked it earlier.
Now I just feel guilty, tearful and empty.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:24, Reply)

nothing like a good dank.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:26, Reply)

don't worry
i'm sure it's going to call you
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:26, Reply)

It doesn't need to.
It's stuck to my leg.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:26, Reply)

Like a homesick abortion?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:31, Reply)

Hahaha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:35, Reply)

There's phrase I've not heard for about 20 years,

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:40, Reply)

What's red, wrapped in newspaper and smells of vinegar?
Abortion of chips.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:41, Reply)

What's pink and hard in the morning?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:42, Reply)

My cock?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:44, Reply)

I'm pretty sure the correct answer was either
Cot death, or the FT Crossword.

Depending on if someone had heard the joke before or not.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:45, Reply)

The financial times?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:45, Reply)

+crossword
otherwise it doesn't make sense.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:47, Reply)

Me in my lucky pink suit?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:45, Reply)

Gerry Rafferty?

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:46, Reply)

Did you know he played the mini-Moog
on the 'Blockbusters' theme?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:47, Reply)

Whereas Bob Holness played fuck all on Baker Street.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:49, Reply)

He was also the first person to play James Bond
as a voice on the radio
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:49, Reply)

Keith Chegwin
was the first person to play 'pop'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:55, Reply)

at The Phil

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:56, Reply)

Cheggers drinks pop.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:02, Reply)

I hope they were good seats
(wasn't part of this in joke, so apologies if i'm off target)
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:06, Reply)

No, you've Squeezed in fine, there.

(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:08, Reply)

now i'm Tempted to join in
i mean, if it's Cool For Cats
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:17, Reply)

Pink.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:47, Reply)

A white rock.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Under a red light.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:49, Reply)

You bring out the retro in me Boyce!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:41, Reply)

Congratulations Jeff
that got my first officeretch of 2011.
(berk, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:42, Reply)

*BEAMS*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:50, Reply)

oh no you don't need that
clingy is just as bad.

my friend has been forwarding me messages all day from a guy she had a second date with last night. holy shit. on paper he sounds amazing. on text he sounds like a raving mentalist. there will be no third date.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:36, Reply)

Nutters.
I remember one particular one when I got bored of talking to him would facebook chat me the whole time with inane things. Then when I didn't reply he'd say something like "I'm so miserable" or "I want to die".

There was one memorable time when he said "Have you heard the news?!" I panickedly searched the news sites, thinking it was a terrorist attack or something, before replying, "No, what is it?" He replied with "The bird. It's the word"

For fuck's sake, that's not funny, that's just irritating. I don't speak to him any more.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:40, Reply)

It is quite funny.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:41, Reply)

Agreed.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:44, Reply)

Not when you're in a bad mood and you get genuinely worried
And it's from someone really, REALLY irritating who won't leave you alone.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:45, Reply)

also if there is one person that you REALLY want to hear from
getting texts/messages from anyone else makes you want to bite something.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:47, Reply)

The old 'oh. It's YOU again' text.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:49, Reply)

Ha. Many times this.

(berk, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:52, Reply)

then you feel like shit for getting annoyed
because it's only your friend/your brother/the dork you didn't want to hear from ever again
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:55, Reply)

Oh yes. Many times yes.
Especially when for about 2 years you texted every day and then he stops texting so much then altogether and you die a little inside each time you get a text that's not from him...

Erm, yes, carry on.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:56, Reply)

Have you heard the news?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:48, Reply)

That you're a monumental cunt?
Why yes. I believe it was in the Guardian this morning.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:56, Reply)

I love you.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)

Wuv oo too.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:05, Reply)

he was a b3tan, wasn't he?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:45, Reply)

One day, 'Swipe, I'll sit you down and tell you tales that will explain somewhat why I'm like this.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:57, Reply)

when i have finished this couple of months of hell
and you have finished that essay, we can go for many drinks in that 'spoons with the amazing toilets on chancery lane.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:58, Reply)

Sorry, what?
there's a Spoons in Britain with amazing toilets?
(berk, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:00, Reply)

Oh you have no idea. I'll take pictures.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:01, Reply)

I await them with bated breath...

(berk, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)

The ones on google images don't do them justice. I could quite happily live in them.
The whole pub's pretty good, actually. I don't know why I didn't think of a Spoons breakfast post-bash.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:04, Reply)

bated breath you say.
Have you tried Listerine?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:05, Reply)

seriously
they keep winning "best loo in london" award. you wash your hands in a motherfucking fountain, ffs. a FOUNTAIN.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:08, Reply)

GUESS WHERE I'M GOING TONIGHT

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:01, Reply)

Ooooh DO TELL.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:02, Reply)

Oh, sorry, forgot to say, the venue's changed
it's now in Collier's Fucking Wood.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)

Is this a joke?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)

Yes, yes it is.
Why the fuck any of us would go to Collier's Fucking Wood is entirely beyond me. It was a vain attempt to get rid of you.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:05, Reply)

Crow made me go to a pub there once.
Middle of fucking nowhere and all the drinks were brown*


*I now have 'California Dreaming' in my head. Curse my 'word association' brain.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:06, Reply)

I know, if you recall correctly the "Collier's Fucking Wood" quote was from you
spoken at the Chandos, the night I punched you.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:08, Reply)

Ah, was it?
My eyes are dim, my back is bent, my limbs have atrophied.

I cannae remember, mon.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:10, Reply)

How much do you know about Virgil and post-Christian interpretations?

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:11, Reply)

Fuck all I fear. Sorry.
Post-Christian shit is not my bag.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:20, Reply)

Too much to hope for :(

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:33, Reply)

TIMMY MALLET FUCKING YOUR CRANIUM

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:08, Reply)

Mustn't pause, mustn't hesitate, look at Bobby and go "bleurgh!"

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:09, Reply)

What the fuck are you on, No-el?

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:10, Reply)

It hurts me that this is probably well before your time.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:12, Reply)

I am quite young.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:14, Reply)

I think it finished in 1992.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:15, Reply)

Rather like me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:25, Reply)

At least I was alive then

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:34, Reply)

I could legally drink in pubs in 1992.
Got that makes me feel old.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:36, Reply)

Well, at least it was the drinks and not the clientele.

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:13, Reply)

POTD

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:24, Reply)

Those Collier's.
They'd do anything.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:04, Reply)

*would* though

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:04, Reply)

Down in my estimation?
Hell in a handcart?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)

For a piss on Chancery Lane?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)

For a piss UP.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)

To film "ANAL LEGENDS 6 - LAMPITO TAKES 2"

(Bazongaloid, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:04, Reply)

Lord of the 'rings' - the Poo Towers

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:08, Reply)

The Fat and the Furious (Anal Pounding)
Featuring solid brown rims.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:10, Reply)

'Bottom Live'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:11, Reply)

I love this
Just think of all the jokes you can cram in about car modding. Slamming, poke, stretch, boot installs. There's pun potential aplenty.
( Kroney, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:25, Reply)

Will you recreate the Disney classic 'The Black Hole'?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:10, Reply)

It'll be like the Sorcerer's Apprentice
Except instead of anthropomorphic brooms, it's men lining up to do me, and the floor will be awash with come and enema juice instead of mopwater.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:13, Reply)

This is DYNAMITE.
We'll clean up at the Porn Oscars with this one.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:21, Reply)

Judging by the 'size' of some of the actors,
less Dynamite than Dyno-rod...
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:22, Reply)

I hope you'll clean up the floor long before the awards get handed out.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:23, Reply)

I hate the smell of santorum in the evenings.

(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:25, Reply)

How mental?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:40, Reply)

he keeps saying things like
"good morrow beautiful lady" and "random hugz 4 u, LOL".

who doesn't know that makes them sound like a cunt?? reminds me of a guy i met in a bar in november who subsequently and persistently texted me with things like "wahey *waggles eyebrows*" frankly it made me want to vomit up my ovaries.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:44, Reply)

There is something horribly poetic about that last line.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:47, Reply)

horrible is a good word to describe my poetry
i wouldn't write any if my oxford course didn't insist on it. the world is a better place without my poems, believe me.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Do you write them in a little notebook with a picture of a unicorn on it?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:50, Reply)

no
i write them in a penguin pocketbook with "great expectations" on it, which was a present from my lovely friend alistair when he stopped laughing at the idea of me writing poetry.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:51, Reply)

hugz 4 u, LOL
Is a stabbing offence where I come from.

Is this lad 9 years old?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:48, Reply)

That's quite mental
the scary one I acquired did stuff like that. GO AWAY YOU TERRIFYING CUNT.
(berk, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:49, Reply)

I love mental texters.
My old flatmate got nineteen texts in an hour after she said to the lad she was seeing that it was over. One simply said "don't leave me, you are the Jermaine Defoe to my Peter Crouch".
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:51, Reply)

when you know it's going nowhere but they are still being a cunt
there is always a temptation to mess with them a bit, like "but i think i love you" or "my period is 10 days late". but it's usually better to resist and just ignore them.

edit - this is a JOKE, i've never really done this...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:53, Reply)

This is excellent texting.
I shall use this.
(TheColonel, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)

how the fuck does the human race survive.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:19, Reply)

Logically, people must like that kind of stuff.
It hasn't been bred out of the population yet and you'd think that if it was a turn off for everyone, it wouldn't get passed on.
( Kroney, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:22, Reply)

I'm not so sure
I'd have thought, until he learns not to use such arse-clenchingly awful metaphors as the above, that chap's chances of 'passing on his genetic material' are limited.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:24, Reply)

You hear stories like that everywhere, though
it's rife. The chicks fucking love it. Evolution is your proof.
( Kroney, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:26, Reply)

If a bloke used a line like that on me
and then tried to approach me with his spam cannon, I'd rip the fucker off and stuff it in his ear. Chicks do NOT love that kind of thing at all.
(berk, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:28, Reply)

*goes back to drawing board*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:31, Reply)

If all else fails
there's always rohypnol.
( Kroney, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:32, Reply)

Unless...
His use of such faux-poetic tosh is attractive to a certain subset of women, principally those of particularly sub-par mental and possibly physical development. This restricts their breeding patterns until such time as they become a deme sexually isolated from people who do not love that kind of thing and eventually speciate into a subspecies of homo sapiens sapiens, say homo sapiens retroaustralopithecojamescordenii, which we can enslave for the purposes of cheap labour and organ harvesting.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:34, Reply)

there are many many people who ought to be enslaved for those purposes already

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:36, Reply)

I have clicked this hard.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:36, Reply)

This

(berk, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:39, Reply)

nor do they love being called chicks

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:37, Reply)

*waggles eyebrows*

( Kroney, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:38, Reply)

this makes me feel faint with longing
the longing to rip your head off and feed it to starving sharks
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:40, Reply)

Quit pandering
it's embarrassing.
( Kroney, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:48, Reply)

hugz 4 u, LOL

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:40, Reply)

awwwwwww
coming from YOU, though, that just makes me feel all pink and fuzzy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:41, Reply)

Like your minge?

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:43, Reply)

wow that was a crude surprise
coming from you. i mean, i expect that sort of tone-lowering from some quarters, but from you??

besides, there is NOTHING fuzzy about it, ok. it's like... warm peach satin.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:46, Reply)

*throws half-eaten peach in the bin*

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:49, Reply)

*after humping it frenetically*

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:52, Reply)

Wahey! *waggles eyebrows*

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:53, Reply)

argh
stop it, don't make me IGNORE you!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:54, Reply)

But you're the Jermain Defoe to his Peter Crouch.

( Kroney, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:56, Reply)

For all the elegance I might try to instil in my prose
I'm afraid there's no escaping the fact that my humour rests comfortably in the gutter. Perhaps I should have tried to phrase it more wittily.

But still, warm peach satin, you say? Tell me more...
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:52, Reply)

haha
i doubt anyone here wants to hear any more than that!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:53, Reply)

*facepalms*
Do you intentionally try to attract pandergazzes?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:55, Reply)

no, in my head i am just being "funny"
but i can understand how nobody would believe this!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:58, Reply)

Oh, it was perfectly amusing,
just my train of thought halted at the next logical station, at which the platform announcement forecast myriad messages with the subject line "I'd like to hear more."
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 17:02, Reply)

Steady on, old boy

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:49, Reply)

i think you just get immune to it
and eventually end up settling for someone you would have crawled over broken glass to avoid at the age of 21
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:26, Reply)

The man you eventually settle for
is having this post emailed to them by me.
( Kroney, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 16:27, Reply)